Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Red flag or just a bad time?

144 replies

Foodlovelyfood33 · 03/07/2021 20:30

Been on 4 dates with a guy. I like him, we get on well, find him attractive. But he told me on our 3rd date that he was arrested and found innocent for attempted rape. He said he wanted to be honest. I am not too sure how I feel about it.

He said he went on a few dates with a woman a few years ago. He went back to hers and they started kissing and watching a movie. She was getting really drunk and he said he didn’t want to have sex with her that drunk. Said she flipped got nasty, called her friend and said he was horrible and he then left in a taxi. 2 days later she reported him to the police and said she thinks he sexually assaulted her as she can’t remember. He said the 2 days between she kept texting him saying he rejected her and missed best night of his life and then saying she can’t remember.

It went through a 6 month investigation - he said delayed as forensics took ages. He couldn’t work and was on medication lost friends etc. It was dropped as police said her story didn’t add up and seemed revengeful no evidence to suggest anything happened.

He hasn’t dated much since as he said took him ages to trust people again. I have nothing to base the story on. Is it true or not? Just he was arrested and found innocent on sexual assault and his description.

Based on out interactions i wouldnt think so, but I don’t know him. He has always waited for me to make the first move. So would you continue? Can’t get this out my head.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 03/07/2021 21:35

@girlmom21

I'd be suspicious of why the investigation took so long if he had messages saying he'd rejected her etc and she couldn't even remember whether he'd assaulted her or not. The police wouldn't entertain it if it was that straight forward.

I'd say there's definitely some parts of the story he's not being honest about and wouldn't choose to continue to see someone like that.

the Police are in no hurry to clear anyones name during investigations.. History shows us this ..

Some people wait years ..

gindreams · 03/07/2021 21:41

I mean I don't think you can just ring up and ask for information and they will give it to you for Claire's law it's very specified what they can and can't release

Original poster

Foodlovelyfood33 · 03/07/2021 21:47

Thanks. I don’t know about my gut. I am always slow to open up to guys. So far nothing rings out he us lying. He says it didn’t go to court. Took so long as backlog in police.

OP posts:

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 03/07/2021 21:49

My ex raped and sexually assaulted me. He was arrested but it went no further. I know for a fact (because he said it in front of me in court) that he lies, like crazy lies, about it. He has told everyone not only that I made it up, he has been found innocent etc but a completely different and entirely implausible story I am supposed to have told the police (wildly different from what I did tell them - no way he could have misunderstood). Many people believe him. He is very persuasive and comes across as a nice guy. When we got together he told me a whole spiel about his ex being an alcoholic and that was why she had got an injunction against him she had told loads of lies, he had fought the injunction and it had been dropped etc.

Personally I would be very wary of his story. Why would forensics have been needed if he had these texts. It doesn't add up, is it really worth the risk?

Crimeismymiddlename · 03/07/2021 22:09

I would be wary. He could be pre-empting the real story, and I don’t give much credit to the investigation being dropped considering only 4% of reported cases go to court, A lot lot of posters are saying they know women who lied, but I bet every single women reading this has ether been sexually assaulted or is close to a women who has, this narrative that the women lied for revenge because he was not going to sleep with her sounds mad-why would she go to all the trouble. If you are still wanting to see him maybe scout around for someone who has more of an idea of the actual story. A lot of rapists are nice and don’t give off a creepy vibe, it’s one of the reasons women are not believed because they are ‘good blokes’ not creepy weirdos.

QueenBee52 · 03/07/2021 22:13

Personally I would be very wary of his story. Why would forensics have been needed if he had these texts. It doesn't add up, is it really worth the risk?

Im sorry to read what happened to you, truly awful.

Forensics are always taken in these investigations. 🌸

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 03/07/2021 22:21

They aren't. They weren't in my case because I hadn't reported immediately. It doesn't sound like this was reported immediately either.

Awalkintime · 03/07/2021 22:22

Forensics were not taken in mine either. Mine wasn't reported immediately.

QueenBee52 · 03/07/2021 22:24

@BewareTheBeardedDragon

They aren't. They weren't in my case because I hadn't reported immediately. It doesn't sound like this was reported immediately either.

in that case then yes that would be rather difficult..

hopefully people who find themselves in this position find the courage to report sooner rather than later to salvage precious evidence.. sadly like yourself, that's not always possible 🌸

Ohhyeahright · 03/07/2021 22:49

Any way of checking whether he’s on any kind of register?

ShiteningMcQueen · 04/07/2021 04:55

I had a friend in a similar situation. Red flags all over the place to anyone with the remotest bit of common sense:
him telling her "my ex just bruised easily"
"my sentence was only for a few months because she lied in court"
"Yes it was ABH but I was defending myself"
"Psycho ex with a grudge"
"She made the marks on her neck herself"
...and other similar chestnuts.

I did a Claire's Law application on my friend's behalf on the man because she was blinded by the fact that he was great in bed and she hadn't had a shag in a long time.

The police went round a day or two later to speak to her with more details of his many previous convictions for violence and sexual assault. Essentially, the advice was to leave.

Friend stayed with him because he was "very well hung"...until she too needed one day to call the police herself.

So whilst in your situation OP he might be preempting the truth coming out or reframing the past in his favour, I'd always be wary of a situation like yours. Claire's Law is there to protect you so please use it. If it turns out he's not a concern then all's well, but it's an odd tale for him to tell so early on in dating life.

DeathStare · 04/07/2021 06:59

Please bear in mind that the vast majority of rape cases don't go to Court. This does not mean they are "innocent". However I suspect the majority of these men walk around saying they've been found to be innocent.

The statistics are not on his side. Statistically the majority of men who say what he says will be lying. Personally I wouldn't take the chance.

Frownette · 04/07/2021 07:14

Psychologically it's put doubt in your mind OP so may be best to gently withdraw

amylou8 · 04/07/2021 07:20

My partner told me something similar when we first got together. The difference was that we'd been friends for over a decade, I already knew and trusted him. I did not then, or now some years later, doubt him. It's very positive he's been honest with you from the start. Would you have been likely to have found out of he hadn't?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/07/2021 07:26

I'd be gradually moving back from this man.

Few rapists will tell you they are a rapist... They will often have a well worn story they tell.

Some of the most violent sex offenders I've come across seem very pleasant... And wouod be able to keep this facade up for months.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/07/2021 07:27

I would also di a Claire's law application. The police will/should be able to tell you if you're at risk.

BashandWhizz · 04/07/2021 07:32

It'd be a no for me. You'll be forever wondering

Drivingmeupthewall · 04/07/2021 07:34

I’d rather suspect he’s tried to fill your head with his version of events.
Also people aren’t found innocent. And as so few rape cases even make it to court, let alone end in conviction, I don’t think that constitutes him being innocent.
He may well be, but as there’s so many men in this planet, I’d probably move on from this one.

spotcheck · 04/07/2021 07:34

Leaving aside the rape/not rape problem, I'd wonder about his judgement generally, and whether he made a habit of going home with women after only a couple of dates. I wouldn't entertain a man who did that

I disagree

There was a thread with an OP who met a man at a hotel with the purpose of having sex. Everyone said it was the best idea ever.

How is going home with someone after a few dates indicative of poor judgement?

0None0 · 04/07/2021 07:39

@Hillaria

Agree with PP. There are billions of men to choose from. I wouldn't choose one with anything potentially dodgy of this nature.

This could be a completely innocent man

Mrstamborineman · 04/07/2021 07:43

He could be innocent ... do you want ot take the chance.
Nah from me. You have too much to lose in order to give him the benefit of the doubt.

0None0 · 04/07/2021 07:45

@Mrstamborineman

He could be innocent ... do you want ot take the chance. Nah from me. You have too much to lose in order to give him the benefit of the doubt.

So you are saying a man who has had a false allegation made against him can never ever contemplate having a relationship or family ?

Do you have sons?

Sinner10 · 04/07/2021 07:56

@Awalkintime

Most accusations are true it is very rare for an accusation to be malicious. To put it into perspective 1% of all reported rapes result in a conviction so 99% are walking away. You are more likely to get a male raped by a male than a female making a false claim.

I reported a rape and had a confession and the person who raped me didn't even get arrested. That kind of puts it into perspective when those with solid evidence are not even getting an arrest. The CPS have an agenda which means that only those that are almost conclusive will be investigated so that to me says a lot that those with a confession can't get an arrest and in light of the CPS shit agenda, he was arrested. Hmmm?

Also you can't be found innocent, only not guilty which is not the same thing. It didn't go to court so he wasn't found innocent at all. The case was dropped and this can be for many reasons including that the victim felt unable to carry on with the case.

I don’t agree with that, my sister reported a rape that happened months before. There was very little evidence and no confession but it was investigated, he pleaded guilty just as the trial was about to start.

TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 07:56

@0None0

So you are saying a man who has had a false allegation made against him can never ever contemplate having a relationship or family

It's not an always/never situation. A man who has had a false allegation about him needs to be in a relationship with somebody who trusts what he says 100% and the person he is with needs to be sure enough of him to not need to ask strangers on a forum, and to not feel that this issue is stuck in their head.

OP wouldn't have posted if she instinctively trusted this man, and if she doesn't instinctively trust him, she shouldn't have a relationship with him.

jellybeans4 · 04/07/2021 08:01

Foundations why do you keep popping up on threads to say a red flag is a feeling? Its not true. A red flag is the behaviour of the other person.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6