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Original poster

Red flag or just a bad time?

144 replies

Foodlovelyfood33 · 03/07/2021 20:30

Been on 4 dates with a guy. I like him, we get on well, find him attractive. But he told me on our 3rd date that he was arrested and found innocent for attempted rape. He said he wanted to be honest. I am not too sure how I feel about it.

He said he went on a few dates with a woman a few years ago. He went back to hers and they started kissing and watching a movie. She was getting really drunk and he said he didn’t want to have sex with her that drunk. Said she flipped got nasty, called her friend and said he was horrible and he then left in a taxi. 2 days later she reported him to the police and said she thinks he sexually assaulted her as she can’t remember. He said the 2 days between she kept texting him saying he rejected her and missed best night of his life and then saying she can’t remember.

It went through a 6 month investigation - he said delayed as forensics took ages. He couldn’t work and was on medication lost friends etc. It was dropped as police said her story didn’t add up and seemed revengeful no evidence to suggest anything happened.

He hasn’t dated much since as he said took him ages to trust people again. I have nothing to base the story on. Is it true or not? Just he was arrested and found innocent on sexual assault and his description.

Based on out interactions i wouldnt think so, but I don’t know him. He has always waited for me to make the first move. So would you continue? Can’t get this out my head.

OP posts:
pigeonpies · 04/07/2021 10:55

@Awalkintime where is that cited from please

Naunet · 04/07/2021 10:57

[quote Awalkintime]Show me where the balance is? Because all I see is Poor Men. I don’t see any concern for women in your post. That’s not balance.

So many are taken in by the lying women stories.

twitter.com/drjesstaylor/status/1389148528182693889[/quote]
Absolutely this.

Women will happily put themselves through invasive internal examinations, having their phone removed, being called a liar, all to ruin some poor innocent man who rejected her. 🙄

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 04/07/2021 10:58

Tricky one. Did he say he was ‘found innocent’? Does he recognise he was just not found guilty?

If it’s all true that’s really devastating for him but if you’re not sure if you trust him I don’t see how you can continue. I don’t think there is a right answer. You’ll just have to do what feels right for you, your safety and your sanity.

mollypuss1 · 04/07/2021 11:01

@Naunet

All I was saying is there are two sides to every story and some women DO lie, there’s been enough anecdotal stories on this thread alone to highlight that. The OP doesn’t know if he is or isn’t lying and neither do any of us, hence why I haven’t passed comment either way on whether she should continue the relationship or not. Please stop claiming that I am telling the OP to risk her safety when I have done nothing of the sort. I am simply taking a more balanced view of the situation than you

Show me where the balance is? Because all I see is Poor Men. I don’t see any concern for women in your post. That’s not balance.

Look, the priority here is OP, not the man, not if he’s hard done by or not, so yes, I find the women focusing on poor him, utterly absurd. Her safety is the biggest issue, not his innocence. Comments that focus on him maybe being truthful, of course are indirectly suggesting OP should give him a chance, whether you mean to or not.

I’m not going to engage with you anymore. You clearly have an agenda and I’m not going to play along anymore.
Naunet · 04/07/2021 11:04

I’m not going to engage with you anymore. You clearly have an agenda and I’m not going to play along anymore

Yes I do, my agenda is women’s safety. What a terrible person I am. 🙄

kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 11:06

Follow your guts and be as careful as you normally would with any other date.

I'd also ignore any poster who has "never met someone doing xyz so it can not be true or ever happen" Hmm.

pigeonpies · 04/07/2021 11:09

@Awalkintime

Thanks but I'm not paying to see this report and the free download doesn't work

It does say 99.7% but only of woman in their 'sample' which is an unknown number ( unless you have the report and know the number of woman sampled?)

Not minimising violence against woman at all but 99.7% seems incredibly high and if that's true then really none of us should trust a man ever again ( including your fathers and husbands)

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 11:14

Yes I have the report - it was 22,419 women who took part - the largest study of its kind.

It also said that boyfriends, husbands, fathers, male relatives etc were the main perpetrators.

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 11:16

Some of the findings on her blog and facebook page if you want to look at the information for free.

pigeonpies · 04/07/2021 11:18

@Awalkintime thanks

Yeah that doesn't surprise me

Naunet · 04/07/2021 11:19

@Awalkintime

Yes I have the report - it was 22,419 women who took part - the largest study of its kind.

It also said that boyfriends, husbands, fathers, male relatives etc were the main perpetrators.

God that’s horrific.

This is why I find so many women on the thread suggesting he be given a chance, so upsetting. Not only do the police, CPS and courts not take rape and sexual violence seriously, to the point that it’s practically only illegal as in lip service, but women here are also minimising the risk and focus instead on him and how he might be innocent.

Does anyone take rape seriously these days?!

pigeonpies · 04/07/2021 11:21

@Awalkintime

Shocking as that figure is, it's not 97.7% of all women. It's 22,351 out of that particular study

The average population of women in the UK is approx 34 million

Fieldsofstars · 04/07/2021 11:31

Such a red flag.
Guilty or not you’ll never know op, you weren’t there.
Why would you even continue with this?

ClareBlue · 04/07/2021 11:43

@Awalkintime

mollypuss1 But he is lying in his story anyway so his honesty is immediately being doubted when he said he was found innocent. This is a lie because no one is found innocent and he said his case didn't go to court so therefore there hasn't even been a verdict.

So his lie immediately casts doubt on the rest of the story.

Not sure if this really is a lie. Plenty of people who have been investigated for a crime and it didn't end in a Court case would say they were found inocent. It is of course not correct, but I wouldn't say they are lying. Investigation is just that. Courts don't even prove inocence, just guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

This is a really tough one because we would all like to think that if we were accused of a crime we didn't do then the end of an investigation was the end of it, but accusations of sex crimes are different and not proceeding after investigation is much much more likely to be down to factors other than if a crime was really committed.
So unfortunately lack of proceeding with a Court case is not the same in these cases as with other allegations and you can not make the same conclusions.
As with all interpersonal relationships, your instinct and gut feelings should never be ignored. No excuses for any behaviour you feel isn't right, no trying to explain or rationalize anything that you think is not right and no justify your decisions.
If you feel you want out then just do it.
You can back this up with practical things like Clair's Law, meeting people in his social group etc. Taking it slowly etc.
If this is all too much hassle after 4 dates then walk away. I think I would, but never knowingly been in the situation.

itsaccrualworld · 04/07/2021 11:45

It's not on the same scale, but I know two men who were falsely accused of sexual harassment, and they were absolutely devastated. In one of the cases, the woman involved was young and immature and made an allegation out of spite. In the other, there was a strong motivation of sabotage.

Women do lie.

Most women wouldn't cry wolf, because they are decent humans who know that crying wolf makes it so much harder for women who have actually been wronged to get the support and belief they need. But some do.

I would listen to my gut here. If I was in the last bit concerned, I'd definitely end it there. Any unsafe situation I've ever been in has been when I've ignored my gut and given someone a benefit of the doubt they didn't deserve. Women's intuition is a powerful, powerful tool. We pick up on so many body signals and movements without even realising it and subconsciously process it into a warning to keep ourselves safe. Always trust it if it's telling you to walk away.

I'd also want to do my due diligence if my gut wasn't telling me to flee. I'd want his full name and I'd want to meet female friends early on.

Brefugee · 04/07/2021 11:50

he wasn't found innocent, though, as pp have said.

This would be a very good time to talk about consent and boundaries and then trust your gut instinct.

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 11:50

Naunet It really is, one of the findings was that 51% of women have woken up to being sexually assaulted or raped and when that was published so many people said it wasn't rape if you were asleep, including women. It is horrific. Her work throws up all kinds of shocking data but she also does a lot on rape myths which is evident from this thread.

pigeonpies
Very true I'm assuming you know how sampling and data works? It isn't going to be largely dissimilar nationally which is how samples are applied. Other reports I have read previously all report a similar statistic.
I don't know a woman who hasn't been subject to sexual assault or rape and almost all women can say the same. It has become the norm so much that most people see it as part of life hence the name of the study.

Do you really believe this sample was just the victims and everyone else isn't?

ReluctantNomad29 · 04/07/2021 11:54

I just don't believe that there are all these perfectly innocent men out there who have been falsely accused by spiteful women seeking revenge for being turned down or whatever. If that were the case why didn't the "falsely accused" men press charges? The lying women would be done for perverting the course of justice.
I know if I were to be falsely accused of anything, let alone such a serious crime, I wouldn't just let it go and would be seeking justice, and to clear my name.
I'm not saying women never lie but statistically it's far more common for them to be telling the truth and for the case to be dropped, and for the men to go around saying they've been falsely accused.

ReluctantNomad29 · 04/07/2021 11:58

Also, how do people on this thread claiming to know someone who was falsely accused know for sure that it was false? Presumably you weren't there and only have the man's word for it. Just because they present as a nice and trustworthy person doesn't mean they're telling the truth.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 04/07/2021 12:03

@Foodlovelyfood33 What's the bigger picture? For example, his job. Is it one that needs an enhanced DBS or is he working below his qualifications? An example would be someone with a professional qualification working in a low paid job. Have you met friends or family? Have you done a search for him online?

Brefugee · 04/07/2021 12:08

Shocking as that figure is, it's not 97.7% of all women. It's 22,351 out of that particular study
The average population of women in the UK is approx 34 million

you know how statistical analysis and sampling works, right? that's a massive study

Thenshewasgone · 04/07/2021 12:22

Aware this may not be the case, but I had same situation, ex was accused of rape before I knew him, charges dropped etc. Gave him a chance. He went on to rape me continuously, was violent, locked me in the house, phone taken away, internet turned off, and much much more. Police helped me leave, currently in waiting to see if CPS will charge and take him to court. As a result of police investigations someone else has come forward about him also.
So I would never ever ever ever ever ignore my gut or take a mans word for it again. The damage he has caused my life and my mental health.. I can’t even explain. I get through the days knowing each day passed is one day closer to me dying. That’s how bad it is.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 04/07/2021 12:59

@ReluctantNomad29

Also, how do people on this thread claiming to know someone who was falsely accused know for sure that it was false? Presumably you weren't there and only have the man's word for it. Just because they present as a nice and trustworthy person doesn't mean they're telling the truth.
In my case, the woman falsely accusing someone was a family member. She admitted it once cctv proved it to be a lie.
BertramLacey · 04/07/2021 13:32

You're incorrect. Statistically your more likely NOT to get raped or sexually assaulted in your life. Which means statistically there's more chance he's telling the truth than not

That shows such a poor understanding of how stats work I'm not really sure where to start.