Page 4 | Red flag or just a bad time?

Foodlovelyfood33 · 2021-07-03T19:30:08+00:00

Been on 4 dates with a guy. I like him, we get on well, find him attractive. But he told me on our 3rd date that he was arrested and found innocent for attempted rape. He said he wanted to be honest. I am not too sure how I feel about it. He said he went on a few dates with a woman a few years ago. He went back to hers and they started kissing and watching a movie. She was getting really drunk and he said he didn’t want to have sex with her that drunk. Said she flipped got nasty, called her friend and said he was horrible and he then left in a taxi. 2 days later she reported him to the police and said she thinks he sexually assaulted her as she can’t remember. He said the 2 days between she kept texting him saying he rejected her and missed best night of his life and then saying she can’t remember. It went through a 6 month investigation - he said delayed as forensics took ages. He couldn’t work and was on medication lost friends etc. It was dropped as police said her story didn’t add up and seemed revengeful no evidence to suggest anything happened. He hasn’t dated much since as he said took him ages to trust people again. I have nothing to base the story on. Is it true or not? Just he was arrested and found innocent on sexual assault and his description. Based on out interactions i wouldnt think so, but I don’t know him. He has always waited for me to make the first move. So would you continue? Can’t get this out my head.

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 09:42

vivainsomnia If he says nothing he runs the risk of her learning 'the truth' from other people before he has labelled the ex. This happens way too often. Honest men don't have to tell people they are honest.

Naunet · 04/07/2021 09:46

Well as you say ‘men rape’ so she is taking the same risk no matter who she dates?

How lovely of you to be so cavalier with someone else’s safety.

mollypuss1 · 04/07/2021 09:46

@Awalkintime

vivainsomnia If he says nothing he runs the risk of her learning 'the truth' from other people before he has labelled the ex. This happens way too often. Honest men don't have to tell people they are honest.

Or he runs the risk that someone says something to her in the future and she asks why he didn’t tell her at the start and then she doubts his honesty as he kept it from her?

There is no right or wrong way of him handling this.

mollypuss1 · 04/07/2021 09:50

@Naunet

Well as you say ‘men rape’ so she is taking the same risk no matter who she dates?

How lovely of you to be so cavalier with someone else’s safety.

I’m not being cavalier with anyone else’s safety. I haven’t actually commented my opinion on whether she should continue the relationship or not as I don’t feel I am in a position to make a judgement not knowing the whole story.

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 09:54

mollypuss1
But he is lying in his story anyway so his honesty is immediately being doubted when he said he was found innocent. This is a lie because no one is found innocent and he said his case didn't go to court so therefore there hasn't even been a verdict.

So his lie immediately casts doubt on the rest of the story.

Naunet · 04/07/2021 09:55

I’m not being cavalier with anyone else’s safety. I haven’t actually commented my opinion on whether she should continue the relationship or not as I don’t feel I am in a position to make a judgement not knowing the whole story

Of course you are! Even though statistically, the chances are much higher that he’s lying than not, you said you think it’s sad that this man might miss out on dating because a woman lied. So OP should what, risk her safety and give him a chance, because him potentially being misjudged is the bigger, sadder issue?
I’ll say it again, women are not crash test dummies, and we do not owe it to men to risk our safety to make them happy.

NameChangedforAnonymity · 04/07/2021 09:57

I would try and check out the story in your position- but no matter the outcome, if you aren't satisfied, leave.

I've name changed for this post to say the below story though. My partner has been to court and been found not guilty and acquitted of something- NOT RAPE or sexual assault or anything to do with children, that could have landed him on the sex offenders register. He told me on our second date and we talked it through. I would never have gone any further if there was any cloud over his innocence and if I could not have checked it out. People do lie. In DPs case he pissed off the wrong pyscho male with henchwomen, not an ex (he's never slagged off any exs to me).

I don't know about the man you're seeing but wrongful accusation (if he was wrongly accused) can be really damaging going forward - you do need to talk to him about it if you decide to date him. DP has debt from legal expenses and has been left with PTSD- two things that affect our lives. His family was traumatised, he lost a career path, he is fearful, he has nightmares. He is frightened of the police. He has a medical record that excludes him from things. We both worry about what these people- who faced no charges or punishment, could still do. I love him, I took it in my stride and I'd never change a thing if it meant I'd never have met him- but if I could wave a wand and take away his damage and hurt for a happier life for him, I would.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 04/07/2021 09:57

This is a hard one to be honest. Having suffered that myself i know that seemingly lovely men can be capable of the most awful things. However i also know two women that I would say are more than capable of doing this to a man out of spite. Both have a made false domestic violence allegations already ( both openly admitted it wasn't true to friends). So there are definitely false allegations made! I would do as pp have suggested and do a claires law, also I think your gut instinct is a very good judge.

ObviousNameChage · 04/07/2021 10:02

After only 4 dates , is it really worth it? Did he ... didn't he? Looking for signs and red flags. Being suspicious and doubting him or yourself?

Treezan82 · 04/07/2021 10:05

Agree with PPs, he wasn't found innocent at all, the case was dropped. The vast majority of rape and sexual assault cases are dropped - the rape or sexual assault still very much happened. I would not continue with him on this basis.

ThePlantsitter · 04/07/2021 10:05

I suppose I would want to know what 'sexual assault' meant because if he didn't have sex with her what forensic evidence would there be? And he said he didn't want to have sex with her. However I'm no expert on forensic evidence maybe others can explain that.

The trouble is though once you start picking at things at that level there's no trust - and there wouldn't be would there; you've been on 4 dates. I'm sure it's awful to be falsely accused of rape but that doesn't mean you have to give him a chance as the right thing to do. The decision should only be based on how you feel and what you think and whether or not you want to take it further. One thing's for sure, I wouldn't be going back to his any time soon.

mollypuss1 · 04/07/2021 10:13

@Naunet

I’m not being cavalier with anyone else’s safety. I haven’t actually commented my opinion on whether she should continue the relationship or not as I don’t feel I am in a position to make a judgement not knowing the whole story

Of course you are! Even though statistically, the chances are much higher that he’s lying than not, you said you think it’s sad that this man might miss out on dating because a woman lied. So OP should what, risk her safety and give him a chance, because him potentially being misjudged is the bigger, sadder issue?
I’ll say it again, women are not crash test dummies, and we do not owe it to men to risk our safety to make them happy.

Sorry, where did I say any of that?

Naunet · 04/07/2021 10:17

Your post @mollypuss1

The bar doesn’t need raised if he’s telling the truth

If he is telling the truth then using your logic this man will never have a relationship again because this woman lied

RealBecca · 04/07/2021 10:18

Claires Law.

I would also tell him you want to give him the benefit of the doubt but you need to see the texts from her.

Ask yourself if there is any way you would delete those messages if you had been accused. I wouldn't. And if the case was dropped he would have got his phone back.

millytilly34 · 04/07/2021 10:30

@ThePlantsitter

I suppose I would want to know what 'sexual assault' meant because if he didn't have sex with her what forensic evidence would there be? And he said he didn't want to have sex with her. However I'm no expert on forensic evidence maybe others can explain that.

The trouble is though once you start picking at things at that level there's no trust - and there wouldn't be would there; you've been on 4 dates. I'm sure it's awful to be falsely accused of rape but that doesn't mean you have to give him a chance as the right thing to do. The decision should only be based on how you feel and what you think and whether or not you want to take it further. One thing's for sure, I wouldn't be going back to his any time soon.

Hi, I'm no expert but the forensic evidence is just whatever clothes the victim has on and there is a massive waiting list for these items to be checked, I was involved in a friends case where the clothes came back completely clear but it had taken 8 months to check my friends mobile phone and clothes! I don't know why it takes so long but the detective told us it was normal for it to take that long! X

mollypuss1 · 04/07/2021 10:30

@Naunet

Your post *@mollypuss1*

The bar doesn’t need raised if he’s telling the truth

If he is telling the truth then using your logic this man will never have a relationship again because this woman lied

And you projected that to mean I was telling OP to risk her safety and give him a chance? That’s a hell of a leap!

All I was saying is there are two sides to every story and some women DO lie, there’s been enough anecdotal stories on this thread alone to highlight that. The OP doesn’t know if he is or isn’t lying and neither do any of us, hence why I haven’t passed comment either way on whether she should continue the relationship or not. Please stop claiming that I am telling the OP to risk her safety when I have done nothing of the sort. I am simply taking a more balanced view of the situation than you.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 04/07/2021 10:34

Well what if it was the other way round? Would you hope someone would stay if you were not convicted of a suspected but not proven crime? He’s told you early enough as he must have feels for you. Your call.

Naunet · 04/07/2021 10:35

All I was saying is there are two sides to every story and some women DO lie, there’s been enough anecdotal stories on this thread alone to highlight that. The OP doesn’t know if he is or isn’t lying and neither do any of us, hence why I haven’t passed comment either way on whether she should continue the relationship or not. Please stop claiming that I am telling the OP to risk her safety when I have done nothing of the sort. I am simply taking a more balanced view of the situation than you

Show me where the balance is? Because all I see is Poor Men. I don’t see any concern for women in your post. That’s not balance.

Look, the priority here is OP, not the man, not if he’s hard done by or not, so yes, I find the women focusing on poor him, utterly absurd. Her safety is the biggest issue, not his innocence. Comments that focus on him maybe being truthful, of course are indirectly suggesting OP should give him a chance, whether you mean to or not.

pigeonpies · 04/07/2021 10:39

@Naunet

You're incorrect. Statistically your more likely NOT to get raped or sexually assaulted in your life. Which means statistically there's more chance he's telling the truth than not

There's a huge movement at the moment, highlighting the dangers woman face daily ( one which I fully support) but most woman will not be sexually assaulted during their lifetime.

This really has not bearing on how the OP feels about this man though, read the advice, take it on board/don't take it on board.... if you feel comfortable and like you can trust this man then keep dating him. If not then move on. You're under no obligation to keep seeing him.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 04/07/2021 10:40

I have a family member who did this to a guy. He walked her home because she was drunk, saw her into her house and left.

The next day she reported him to the police.

It was only because a neighbour's cctv picked up the doorstep interaction that he was believed - literally seeing her through the door, waiting a moment until he heard the door lock and then leaving.

It does happen. Absolutely nobody can say whether your date was guilty or not. Obviously, he has been honest and it is awful that he has to declare such an awful thing if he is innocent. This thread alone shows how many women would find the accusation alone to be proof of guilt. I think I would proceed with extreme caution.

Naunet · 04/07/2021 10:48

@Naunet

You're incorrect. Statistically your more likely NOT to get raped or sexually assaulted in your life. Which means statistically there's more chance he's telling the truth than not

I think you’ve misunderstood my point. Statistically there is far more chance that he’s lying than not. You’re aware that only 1% of rapes end in conviction, right? False accusations are far more rare than guilty men going free.

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 10:52

Show me where the balance is? Because all I see is Poor Men. I don’t see any concern for women in your post. That’s not balance.

So many are taken in by the lying women stories.

twitter.com/drjesstaylor/status/1389148528182693889

billy1966 · 04/07/2021 10:53

@Annabellerina

If she was texting him saying he rejected her in the couple of days before she reported him, wouldn't that have been clear cut evidence? Yet it took 6 months? I don't believe him.

This.

I don't believe the police are looking to waste their time.

If their were clear texts from her I can't imagine it would take 6 months for the charges to be dropped.

He was NEVER found innocent if the charges were dropped.

Did he actually say he was found innocent?
Because if he did, that is a clear lie.

Charges being dropped are just that and often due to insufficient evidence but make no statement of innocence OR guilt.

Ring 101 and check.

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 10:54

pigeonpies
The most recent study says 99.3% of women have been subjected to sexual violence.

pigeonpies · 04/07/2021 10:55

@Naunet yes sorry that is true. My misunderstanding