To not really care I’ll be 60 when my youngest is 18

[Pinkco]

Why is this relevant?

Will be 42 when I have my last child and people have said the above in incredulous tones.

What am I missing?

I had my first at 41.5
It’s perfectly normal in my circle.

I hated having patents who were older than everyone else's. It just made me feel even more different. My dad had actually taught my friend's dad at school. Embarrassing.

The world has moved on. I was 39 when I had DS. All my friends had their children between 37 and 45. We'd become friends as young professionals and only one of us had met their partner before 30. Almost all of DS's friends' parents are in their late fifties. Some of the fathers are second marriages so are much older.

@FuzzyPuffling

I hated having patents who were older than everyone else's. It just made me feel even more different. My dad had actually taught my friend's dad at school. Embarrassing.

Why is age embarrassing?

Congratulations OP, I hope you are enjoying pregnancy. I was pregnant at 40, it was all plain sailing and I gave birth to the easiest child who ever lived. Due to a health scare I had a hysterectomy shortly afterwards and got menopause out of the way. I can't see the future but I am fit and healthy and love being a mum. I also am missing the problem with being 60 when she's eighteen.

Friends of mine with older parents are all very vocal about wanting their children while they are young, they are gutted their parents who are now elderly are too frail to be grandparents in an active way, feel too young when their parents become I'll or die etc.

At 38 I don't think I could do it again, I would be knackered and love my easy life with my teen dds, but I feel certain things would have been easier having kids older.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Mick Jagger makes my flesh crawl🤮

You're not alone. I've never seen the attraction though I love the Stones and have seen them live, it was very exciting.

How did we get on to Jagger?

Oh yes it was me; he has eight children, the youngest born when he was in his seventies. Apparently he is an extremely good dad (& grandad and greatgrandfather). Obviously he gives some people satisfaction. There's no accounting for taste.

Pretty much the same here when youngest is 18 I will be 58. When my eldest turned 18 I was 43 reckon I will probably be in a better financial position as the mortgage will be paid off by then and have more energy and time so to me its no concern.

What age you are is going to be one of the less prominent factors in defining what your life and your children’s lives and experiences will actually be like. I’d say you and your children will be massively more affected by things like where you live, how much money you have, what your relationship with their other parent is like, the health of all family members, and just what all your personalities are, than the fact that when they’re 18 you’re 60 while their friend’s mum is 55. I just can’t see it being relevant (other than the fact that some women won’t have been fortunate enough to be able to conceive at 42.) I’ve had my kids in my twenties and there are lots of upsides to it, but my parents were slightly older when they had me and are now retired and available to give me loads of help with childcare, whereas if my eldest daughter has children at the same age I did those children will be adults by the time I’m retired. And this is all assuming no one involved gets cancer or hit by a bus.

Can't see any issue?

You can get complete slobs in their 20s and people running ultra marathons in their 60s.

Depends what you want to be.

Will be 46 when ds turns 18 and 56 when my youngest turns 18.

I was travelling the world in my 20's. Each to their own. I could as easily have traveled the world in my 40's or fifties.

Some people seem to judge absolutely everything

As as others have said, it’s utterly shit when you have to worry about your parents’ age related health issues in your relative youth. My fathers (approaching) death weighed heavily on me and my sibling for almost all of our teens and certainly all of our twenties. My DH and my friends still have both their parents in their late 40’s and 50’s when life is more settled for most of them.

Even if you are running ultra marathons aged 42, you are still likely to be bringing that closer and throwing it into the mix of your children trying to establish themselves as adults.

I completely understand that sometimes we don’t get a choice but if we do, this isn’t one I’d make.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

It's a personal thing. For me, it would be 40 but I was lucky enough to have a child at 34. If I was still childless at 40, I may well have continued not having a second child beyond 40 isn't for me

How can you possibly know how you would have behaved in the actual situation? This is only a prediction.

I’m sure many people THINK like that. But then life happens. And you can’t always plan your timings perfectly.

I don't get your point. Of course I don't know what I would have done in the actual situation. Would I have barrelled on into my late 40s to have my first or would I have accepted kids weren't in life's plan for me? I don't know. But I had a child in my 30s and, personally, I wouldn't want to try for another past 40.

@Snowisfallinghere

If you want the honest answer, personally I think YABU. I'm 31, my mum is in her 50s, my grandparents are in their 70s, and I still had great-grandparents until I was in my early-20s. I love it this way, and I think it's sad to cut the time children have with their parents and grandparents so short. I know a few young adults whose parents had them in their 40s, and they all wish their parents were younger. So from the kids point of view, I think it sucks to have parents 40+ years older than them.

These type of comments never make sense to me because : a) we can't always choose when to have children b) people who regret they didn't have younger parents would not have been born if their parents did not have them when they did - later in life. So another option would have been not to exist at all. c) perfect familes are very rare or even don't exist at all. We do the best (hopefully) with what we've got

I think it is indicative of each of us thinking of things in the context of our own lives.

I had my two in my early thirties. So basically my 30s and 40s are mainly about raising them. And that is great. I’m loving it. But I am a bit looking forward to my 50s when I will have two adult children and so dh and I will have a lot of freedom again.

So to me having an 18 year old at 60 would mean that I would lose that.

But - presumably - you didn’t spend your 30th birthday sober with your head down the loo (maybe drunk with your head down the loo!) and so your “two decades of child rearing” are your 40s and 50s. So - effectively you made the same choice as me but at a different time,

Of course some people have lots of children or big gaps and so are raising kids for much longer but presumably that works for them too.

Lots of people seem quite happy to leave their children with grandparents to avoid nursery fees so they can't think 60s-70s is past it. My grandma was my primary carer in all my school holidays until I was 18 and she was widowed too. She did more than my mum did tbh as I was at school most of the day with her.

Had my last child at 42

I am now 63 and its never been a problem

@Pinkco
I dont know I wish I did. If old age was guaranteed then right up to the menopause but then again there are some people that should never be parents regardless of age ( but that’s a different discussion) I have never said older people shouldn’t be parents I just think that the older you are the more thought should be given to the fact you may die when your children are young and how that would affect their lives.

My only concern actually is grandchildren which I know is pretty selfish. If my youngest waited till they were nearly 40 to have children then I would be 80 and that does seem old. I will hope secretly that they have them a little earlier so I can be around to see them grow up.

Don't know about others but I feel better physically post menopause.
Years running up to that were quite difficult with really heavy periods etc. I mean really heavy.

Now I don't have that to worry about.

@FuzzyPuffling

I hated having patents who were older than everyone else's. It just made me feel even more different. My dad had actually taught my friend's dad at school. Embarrassing.

What an awful thing to say, that you were embarrassed by your father's age .

Obviously he gives some people satisfaction

He can’t get any though!

Also, it may be a strange thought but with the pandemic any one could die at any age and it might be argued younger parents are more at risk as they haven't been double jabbed?

Make sense?

What an awful thing to say, that you were embarrassed by your father's age

Why is it awful to be truthful?

So will I, I also don’t care!