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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think guests shouldn't go into your bedroom?

226 replies

PixieAndTheToad · 03/07/2021 08:29

Some of my relatives just visited for the first time since before Covid and as usual I closed the upstairs bedroom doors. This time I decided to lock my bedroom door as well.
Within a few minutes of arriving my sister came down from upstairs complaining that the bedroom door was locked and that she wanted to look inside. I told her that I didn't want people going in there, but she just continued to repeat that she wanted to look inside and that she didn't understand why I would stop her. I tried to explain that this was my bedroom and this is a private space, but she just responded like she was entitled to go in there.

My family aren't great with boundaries anyway, which is why I locked it. But I feel like I shouldn't have to, surely if there are closed doors at someone else's house you don't go into that room and have a look about?

She seems to think guests have a right to hangout in whichever room they feel like and that I was unreasonable to not let her in. So I thought I'd take the question to mumsnet.

AIBU to think guests should keep to the communal areas and not look around in other people's bedrooms?

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 03/07/2021 17:01

I'm very private and would be seriously pissed off if a guest went upstairs, let alone in my bedroom. We've a downstairs loo so there's no reason to go up there other than nosiness.

VerticalHorizon · 03/07/2021 17:04

@Blossomtoes

Some people don't like being walked in on (even by partners) when they're on the loo. Others don't mind. Same with having a bath etc

Because that’s exactly the same as someone seeing an empty room.

No, it's not exactly the same, but the principle is the same - it's respecting someone's boundaries, and if their bedroom is their sanctuary, you respect it. When you are in someone else's home... it's ALL their sanctuary until you are told otherwise, and you respect it.
Notaroadrunner · 03/07/2021 17:04

YANBU. Unless I needed the hairdryer and dsis told me to go in to get it, or she was in her bedroom and I knocked on the door, I'd never go into their bedroom and wouldnt appreciate them going into mine without reason.

lboogy · 03/07/2021 17:05

Radom strangers or people you're not close to shouldn't be in your bedroom. But my sister and mum have free reign. I'd never lock the door around them

VerticalHorizon · 03/07/2021 17:09

@Notaroadrunner

YANBU. Unless I needed the hairdryer and dsis told me to go in to get it, or she was in her bedroom and I knocked on the door, I'd never go into their bedroom and wouldnt appreciate them going into mine without reason.
Exactly, you've implied consent if you say 'oh, you can borrow my hairdrier, it's in the bedroom, top drawer' - and even then, you only expect them to access the top drawer. You've not said 'and have a look in any other drawer you fancy'.

You simply expect them to enter, retrieve the item and come back out. You're not being precious about them seeing things in the bedroom, but at the same time you don't expect them to be doing a forensic investigation of it either.

Babygotblueyes · 03/07/2021 17:24

YANBU. Once had a boyfriends mother come for a visit, not only went into our bedroom but into our closed wardrobe, found the dry washing I had not ironed yet, and presented me with a beautifully pressed pile when I got home. She genuinely could not understand why I was annoyed. Bf did, but just said it was what she always did and I was unreasonable not to accept it.

felulageller · 03/07/2021 18:21

Wow your sisters behaviour is ridiculous! Who does that!?

VerticalHorizon · 03/07/2021 19:08

🎼 Sisters are routing through it themselves!!!

miltonj · 03/07/2021 19:16

I shut the door when the bedrooms a mess. Other than that people can look in if they want I don't mind at all.

FinallyHere · 03/07/2021 19:59

DH can't abide anyone in his private space, it doesn't make any odds to me so we go with his feeling: bedrooms are out of bounds to visitors.

We have not yet had to lock the bedroom doors, as OP has had to do. So far our visitors have respected any closed doors. As you do.

FinallyHere · 03/07/2021 20:00

Meant to say it's not about mess, it's about private space, certainly for DH. There again, he licks the bathroom door and doesn't quite believe that I would open the door. Sigh.

Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 20:02

Of course they should not go into your bedroom unless you say, "Leave your coat in my bedroom", or "Have a look round". I would never do that. Why did they go in your room, did they open the wrong door or are they just nosy?

Small children might do it, it's an adventure to explore and they haven't yet learned about boundaries; adults definitely should know better.

However most people don't mind their mums doing it, mums tend to clean and tidy when they visit anyway.

Mandalay246 · 03/07/2021 20:51

I have tradesmen in when I'm out at times - and I really couldn't care less if they went into my bedroom. I agree that people's wishes should be respected, but for the life of me can't understand why going into a bedroom is such a sin Confused

RicherThanYew · 03/07/2021 20:59

One woman (who I wasn't friends with tbh but she was a friend of a friend) was smoking outside a pub that I live near when I was taking boxes into my new house when she saw me. She came over and said "Omg Jan, I love seeing new houses, can I have a look?" I hadn't seen her in years by this point and she walked in my house and gave herself a tour (including the bedrooms and upstairs loo Hmm ) then walked out without a goodbye. It's fucking weird snoopy behaviour.

VerticalHorizon · 03/07/2021 21:00

There again, he licks the bathroom door

It's no wonder he doesn't want to be disturbed. That would take a bit of explaining.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/07/2021 21:42

@VerticalHorizon

There again, he licks the bathroom door

It's no wonder he doesn't want to be disturbed. That would take a bit of explaining.

I knew you'd pick up on this! You do make me chuckle 😂
IncyWincyGrownUp · 03/07/2021 22:43

My current room doesn’t have a door, but I’d still not expect people to go into it. If it did have a door, it would be closed and I’d expect people to respect that.

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2021 09:04

I have tradesmen in when I'm out at times - and I really couldn't care less if they went into my bedroom. I agree that people's wishes should be respected, but for the life of me can't understand why going into a bedroom is such a sin confused

Seriously? Presumably you've read the posts here about people having their privacy disrespected, it's not that difficult to work out that it bothers some people a lot.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 04/07/2021 09:06

YANBU. I know people nosy enough to peek into someone's bedroom when they're upstairs going to the bathroom. I don't know anyone brazen enough to demand it's unlocked.

DeathStare · 04/07/2021 09:13

@Lilypansy

After reading Bill Bryson on the subject of houses: he explains how the degree of acquaintanceship affects how we use other people's houses. Entrance halls are public property, with lounges/ living rooms being reserved for those we know well. Bedrooms gradually became private spaces where guests didn't enter. That has persisted until today, with the majority of people accepting the unspoken 'privacy rules.' So, your sister is being intrusive if she expects to be invited into a private space.
Which book was that in? I've read loads of his but not read that. I'd love to read it, sounds really interesting
theresaguyiknow · 04/07/2021 09:16

I wouldn't care if someone looked in my bedroom. Weird of you to care

IMNOTSHOUTING · 04/07/2021 09:36

@theresaguyiknow

I wouldn't care if someone looked in my bedroom. Weird of you to care
I see this a lot on Mumsnet. I feel a certain way so you are unreasonable for not feeling the same way. Surely you're capable of some level of empathy? If you read the thread you'll see lots of people consider their bedroom a private space, it's not weird or unusual. Some people don't and that's fine too but even if they personally don't mind people looking in their bedrooms they should be able to respect that it is generally considered a private space.
Blossomtoes · 04/07/2021 09:47

So don’t post if you don’t agree with the OP @IMNOTSHOUTING? Doesn’t that kind of defeat the entire point of a chat forum?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 04/07/2021 09:53

@Blossomtoes

NO. Reread what I said. You've said you personally don't mind people rooting around in your bedroom. That's fine. However you then went on to say it's weird that OP does mind. Tha's clearly a massive failing on empathy on your part. Lots of people do mind so whether you mind or not is irrelevant. Why not try and develop some level of empathy or theory of mind and understand that others may feel differently to you and respect their feelings,

FastFood · 04/07/2021 09:57

I wouldn't care at all if someone got in my room.
Maybe not the postman, but anyone I invited in my flat can go to the bedrooms.
And of course, my sister more than everyone. She can even get in my bed.