To think guests shouldn't go into your bedroom?

[PixieAndTheToad]

Some of my relatives just visited for the first time since before Covid and as usual I closed the upstairs bedroom doors. This time I decided to lock my bedroom door as well.
Within a few minutes of arriving my sister came down from upstairs complaining that the bedroom door was locked and that she wanted to look inside. I told her that I didn't want people going in there, but she just continued to repeat that she wanted to look inside and that she didn't understand why I would stop her. I tried to explain that this was my bedroom and this is a private space, but she just responded like she was entitled to go in there.

My family aren't great with boundaries anyway, which is why I locked it. But I feel like I shouldn't have to, surely if there are closed doors at someone else's house you don't go into that room and have a look about?

She seems to think guests have a right to hangout in whichever room they feel like and that I was unreasonable to not let her in. So I thought I'd take the question to mumsnet.

AIBU to think guests should keep to the communal areas and not look around in other people's bedrooms?

Unlock the bedroom door and put some some handcuffs and a vibrator on the bed with some feather! Bet they don’t look again! 😂

In all seriousness tell them it’s private!

Your sister is a weirdo.

A bedroom is a very private area. You simply don't go into one without invitation or permission. Common decency I would have thought.

I used to do the same and lock doors before certain family visited. Quite a few would 'borrow' things that would never be seen again. Now we are NC. They wouldn't get past the front gate if they turned up now.

I think it's weird you've locked the bedroom -- I wouldn't mind guests looking around, I don't have anything to hide.

I also think it's really weird that your sister mentioned it to you and complained. Surely if I encountered a locked door in someone else's house I'd just accept they didn't want me to go in. It would make me wonder what weirdness they were hiding in there, though.

Why on earth would she want to go into your room? You were quite right to lock it. My mum stays over with us a lot. She doesn’t like going into our bedroom, so to avoid her having to do this, we moved the laundry basket into the hall, and bought an extra hairdryer so she didn’t have to come into our room to borrow mine

And my mum is a known nosey Parker!!

@LemonRoses

NormanStangerson No need for rudeness, is there? I understand perfectly what she said. I think locking bedroom doors is very odd behaviour. I don’t think most people even have locks on bedroom doors. Who needs a boundary about someone seeing their quilt cover?

This really depends on how interesting your sex life is.

I must be the only person who wouldn't want people in my bedroom because of the mess!

My family aren't great with boundaries anyway, which is why I locked it
It sounds like the OP’s been fighting for privacy their whole life. And the fight continues.

Exactly this. I couldn’t imagine the desire to “see someone’s quilt” or poke around every room like a scabby rat.

I remember going along to babysit with a friend from school. After the couple left she proceeded to look through everything, it was awful.

I have been to a couple of people’s house where they have offered a full tour. I certainly don’t and always shut bedroom doors if we have visitors and also DH office door as it’s such a tip.

After reading Bill Bryson on the subject of houses: he explains how the degree of acquaintanceship affects how we use other people's houses.
Entrance halls are public property, with lounges/ living rooms being reserved for those we know well. Bedrooms gradually became private spaces where guests didn't enter. That has persisted until today, with the majority of people accepting the unspoken 'privacy rules.'
So, your sister is being intrusive if she expects to be invited into a private space.

I usually hide the clean unironed washing in my bedroom so no I wouldn’t allow people in.

I agree with the majority, you don't go into other peoples bedrooms. You only go upstairs in someone else's home if there isn't a downstairs loo. It is bonkers to be in a position to have to lock your private spaces, but well done @PixieAndTheToad for doing what you need to do to maintain your boundaries, however extreme they might appear to those who don't have such cf family members.

Very odd - I always keep doors closed as cats are not allowed in bedrooms
Most visitors wouldn’t need to go upstairs unless staying over

It's very weird to lock your bedroom and feel like you have anything to hide

BUT

she is beyond rude herself. Regular guests should never go upstairs (unlike guests staying overnight), but siblings are normally close enough they can see each other's bedrooms.

Your family have form for ignoring closed doors, so you knew that even if your bedroom door was closed, someone would still go in there - hence you locked it. But that didn't stop them - they had the bare-faced cheek not to even try to hide the fact that they'd tried to get in there, and asked you why you'd locked the door!!!

YANBU.

With close friends if someone has a new house or has completed some sort of renovation I would say at some point there is usually an offer to be shown around. Partly it is an indication that people should feel at home, so you are letting them know where things are and allowing them to “get their bearings”.

With a renovation, it will likely have been a topic of conversation amongst friends for a long time so seeing the finished project is the payoff (and often people are interested as they may be considering doing something similar in their own homes).

In our house the only loo is upstairs, so we don’t have any issue with people going up there. Normally if people come round the bedrooms are fairly tidy and bedroom doors are left open (otherwise I think the house would seem unwelcoming up there). I wouldn’t expect guests to just wander in to bedrooms, but would have no problem with them standing by the door if they want a look. We’ve often had people ask what colour we’ve used on the walls in different bedrooms so they’ve clearly had a look on their way to or from the loo.

Clearly there’s historic issues here with your family overriding your boundaries so no in this situation YANBU and your sister is being very rude.

But I am baffled by this perception of the bedroom as a sacred private space. I’ve recently decorated my bedroom so I do invite guests in to have a look! I wouldn’t go poking around in someone else’s room uninvited but I probably would ask for a tour if I’d never seen their house before. What can I say, I’m nosey.

A few folk saying its only on mumxnet that people snoop in bedrooms? My mum is a terrible snoop, she reads cards on the mantlepiece, any letters lying around the kitchen, even folded up inside envelopes, goes into our bedroom, no idea why. Its so intrusive and she acts all hurt if we ask her not to.

Its not that we're hiding anything important, but I'm just not that keen on people seeing my literal dirty laundry in the hamper or bra's slung over a chair. YADNBU

I have done tours as both the guide and the guest but only when either seeing someone's brand new house or going to stay for a few days, and even then when staying for a few days the upstairs portion of the tour was usually more about showing me where the bathroom was and indicating which bedrooms were which rather than actually going in to them.

I would never expect to hang out in someone's bedroom if they're not living in a houseshare and I would never go in to someone's room for a nose around.

@Nesbo

With close friends if someone has a new house or has completed some sort of renovation I would say at some point there is usually an offer to be shown around. Partly it is an indication that people should feel at home, so you are letting them know where things are and allowing them to “get their bearings”.

With a renovation, it will likely have been a topic of conversation amongst friends for a long time so seeing the finished project is the payoff (and often people are interested as they may be considering doing something similar in their own homes).

In our house the only loo is upstairs, so we don’t have any issue with people going up there. Normally if people come round the bedrooms are fairly tidy and bedroom doors are left open (otherwise I think the house would seem unwelcoming up there). I wouldn’t expect guests to just wander in to bedrooms, but would have no problem with them standing by the door if they want a look. We’ve often had people ask what colour we’ve used on the walls in different bedrooms so they’ve clearly had a look on their way to or from the loo.

This seems like a very normal attitude to me. I’ve never met anyone IRL so protective of their bedrooms. But I spent my twenties in house shares hanging out in housemates’ bedrooms and it’s only now in our 30s people are starting to get their own places, and usually when they do they’re proud to show them off. I guess it’s probably partly a demographic thing too.

@Macncheeseballs

Locking your bedroom door is weird

I think the fact the sister knew it was locked is weird. So she saw a closed door and tried to open it, it didn't budge so tried again. She knew it which room it was and had no reason to go in and then demands to be let in anyway.

Anyone seeing this as strange has never had their boundaries invaded.

It's not random guests though it's your sister. I'm not condoning her behaviour but why do you need to lock the door when your sister visits?

@cushioncovers

It's not random guests though it's your sister. I'm not condoning her behaviour but why do you need to lock the door when your sister visits?

Presumably historical reasons where the sister/family members have over-stepped and upset OP. She says in her opening post that My family aren't great with boundaries anyway, which is why I locked it.