AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

[2389Champ]

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

You need to think about the future Op - your future. You've given him massive amounts of money and support. Hang on to your money from now on, and ask him to repay the £11k. You are compromising your own financial security in retirement.

I would be asking for the 11k back, then telling him you need him to start paying rent he needs a reality check

The thing about cars is that they are such a bad deal from a financial point of view. Lose value instantly.

So to me, they are only a necessity to get from A to B & I resent if I have to use a big chunk of my money to buy one.

I appreciate that some people are really into them & everyone has different priorities for what they spend their money on.

But in this case it comes across as very self-entitled to basically want to treat himself when he owes you money & does not know when he will be back on his feet again. If he had no car & getting one would improve his job prospects it would be a different matter.

God he’s landed with his bum in the butter!

Good for him taking any job while he waits out the covid situation. However maybe instead of buying a new flashy car he should invest in retraining.

He has terrible priorities and needs to make some mistakes or have some kind of hardship to help him.

Tell him your going to start asking for rent. Initially a small amount but keep increasing it. To a market rate?

Or ask for a loan repayment and set up a plan.

He has pushed too far and needs help to make that 180 turn now.

You're a lovely Mum OP, and have made generous decisions for both your children that have
really helped them. It's great that you've been able to do this and I'm sure your son really does appreciate what his parents have done for him.

I'm not excusing his hurtful comments - but he's 25, an age when many still don't see the bigger picture, and he has been through a difficult time during Covid. His world has completely changed, he will have very ambivalent feelings about being dependent on his parents after starting out on a great career path and feeling his future was bright and that he was his own man.

Of course, his reaction is all about these difficult feelings. He wanted you to mitigate the guilt he felt about buying this dream car- and when Mummy didn't play the game, he has reacted in an immature way. He's 'punishing' you because he knows you're right - and it's very easy to project difficult feelings onto his Mum. You are supposed to contain these feelings for him - that's what he really wants.

I would try not to wrap everything else up in this: the loan and rent are really separate to this. Probably the best response is to say that his comments were not kind or helpful, but that you know things have been difficult and you are always here if he wants to have a chat.

I bet that fairly soon he'll apologise and will come to his own realisation about the best way to spend (or save) this money. It's just a blip and one you'll all hopefully laugh about in years to come

You've spoiled him and he has repaid you by slapping you in the face. personally I'd withdraw his free home at once and not help him anymore with money.
He is turning into an unpleasant person which is what happens when they don't have to be independent. I've learned this with my own son.
It will be a tough few years but he will respect you for it.
At the moment he clearly does not respect you at all and still thinks he can get his own way by having tantrums.

@2389Champ
This is very true.

He was absolutely gutted, having achieved the dream and then to have it taken away and I’m sure the car purchase is a quick fix to make himself feel better about a shit situation.

I’ve possibly painted a very negative picture of him, he generally is a really great son. He was accepted into flight school, worked hard and qualified at a very early age but it’s quite possible that it was also a too much, too soon situation. He walked straight into a job where he was on huge bucks from the word go, so he’s never worked his way up the ladder and this has been a massive reality check. He’s lived an almost artificial life for the past 6 years and come down to Earth with a massive bump.

Its not been a reality check though. Because his life is artifical now.

He earned £4500 pm and didn't have the debt, this was for 6 years. Where are his savings? He hasn't bought a house, so it's not in a property and had to borrow 11k for a car.

This year would have been a lot easier, IF he had been saving the last 6 years.

And it sounds like he was fairly desperate for this money to come though. So he wasn't working in a supermarket, as something to do or so that he didn't have to eat into his savings as much.

In the real world, he would have woken up and be, being sensible with this money.

As people in the airline industry, go he was on a great position to see this through. Most people work in that industry are faring far worse.

At what point is he living in the real world? Because he isn't now. If he was that money would be being saved to help with bill, he would be paying debt off to you or using it to fill gaps, where his wage isn't enough.

OP I’m intrigued about your husband- he seems to have a rather wet attitude and wants to continue to enable your son’s entitled behaviour and not pull him up on how rude he has been to you.

Looking back at your posts I see that you say that “I” paid for most things, not “we”- you own the fake, your inheritance paid for the pilot training, you fronted up the £11k for the sports car. Is that right, that all this financial support is coming/has come from you alone yet your husband is keen for you to stay quiet and keep stumping up the cash. Does it occur to you perhaps that he might have got some of his attitude from his father?

Pretty disappointing really that your DH was not straight over to tear him off a strip about texting you in the way he did, and the hurt it has caused.

The flat, not the fake!

It doesn’t help that DH never likes confrontation and has told me we shouldn’t fall out with him over the money.

Your DH attitude is weak and unhelpful to both you and your son.

“Confrontation” is not a scary or dirty word - it’s just being open, honest, exploring and being assertive looking for a constructive way forward. Otherwise resentment and contempt builds.

I agree not to fall out over money (at this point) - but a clear open discussion about respectful ways of behaving and treating each other needs to be had urgently.

He needs to know that his insults to you are unacceptable.

If he can’t grasp this and turn this around - then that’s when you want to pull back really hard on the money stuff.

The non confrontation style has likely allowed you to end up here. Was it ever discussed when the loan was to be repaid - was it your expectation that the redundancy would start the pay back. Be clear and open otherwise no one knows where they stand.

Starts with basic kindness and respect.

You need to know if your DS has this for you both before you decide what happens next. Separate out these two things.

I agree he is being entitled and it is also worth discussing with him that it is not just the upgrade of the car, that in itself will be higher tax, higher insurance and higher running costs. His current job does not allow him to afford all that so he is basically just spending his pay out which is supposed to cover his rent and bills until he finds work again. He needs to learn to budget on current salary including rent and see what is left.
However, at the end of the day, he can do whatever he likes with that money, but you need to decide whether, if he chooses to live like a pilot, he should be paying you closer to the proper going rental amounts and whether your£11,000 should be returned. I think I might be asking for a payment plan for that one.

Not trying to excuse him, he’s normally a great guy
Unless he is told no, it seems.

I would absolutely ask for the £11k back and then say everything else is up to him. And add free rent ends on X date.

I'd be charging him 'rent' - it may stop once that rent had totalled the £11 grand though

You don’t need to “fall out over money” in your DH’s words. You just need to be sure he knows a) it was an extremely hurtful accusation with no basis in truth and b) you have not forgiven the £11,000 as a gift, it is still owed as a debt and therefore spending money on a new car is an insensitive and unwise financial decision.

Good luck. You sound lovely so I’m sure it won’t last long, but expect huffy defensiveness in the short term!

@HaveringWavering

OP I’m intrigued about your husband- he seems to have a rather wet attitude and wants to continue to enable your son’s entitled behaviour and not pull him up on how rude he has been to you.

Looking back at your posts I see that you say that “I” paid for most things, not “we”- you own the fake, your inheritance paid for the pilot training, you fronted up the £11k for the sports car. Is that right, that all this financial support is coming/has come from you alone yet your husband is keen for you to stay quiet and keep stumping up the cash. Does it occur to you perhaps that he might have got some of his attitude from his father?

Pretty disappointing really that your DH was not straight over to tear him off a strip about texting you in the way he did, and the hurt it has caused.

Sorry, that’s me slipping between pronouns! It should read ‘we’ throughout. Our money is joint, so we’ve both enabled him.

DH has always avoided confrontation. I’ve tried talking it through with him this morning about what I’m going to say in my phone call to son but he’s all for just letting it go and what’s done is done. It may well be, but a line needs to be drawn in the sand now about the future.

Ironically, both our mothers were very wealthy when they were alive, but gave us absolutely no financial help whatsoever. We made our own way until we inherited. That was fine p and their choice, so I guess we have overcompensated the other way and tried to ensure our kids benefit as much as possible.

He is being completely unreasonable, not you.

When he pays back the 11k he borrowed, and when he is paying rent on the roof over his head, then he can consider buying himself a nicer, newer car.

He needs to grow up.

Hes been given lots of opportunities nh you that most don't get handed by their parents.

Imagine, living rent free in your own gaff, then complaining that you've manipulated him into not buying a newer car.

Moving on, please charge him rent. Maybe not market rent, but rent

So he was earning 3.5k a month and you let him live rent free??
And he still owes you 11k
Never heard anything like it. While you were letting him live rent free he could have paid off the 11k?
Seriously this is terrible....unfortunately its you that has made him like it. Stop it now.

At the very least he needs a verbal kick up the arse for speaking to his mother like that. It's totally unacceptable. My mum loves us loads but if I or my siblings spoke to her like that, our backsides wouldn't touch the floor!

I know you love him loads and feel sad for him, but what you've got to remember is that one day he will be a husband and father - if he never learns responsibility (and appreciation, good manners) or how to be a fully functioning adult, he will make a very poor one. That's not what you want for him - you want him to have a good marriage and be a good dad one day. You aren't helping him if you let this slide. Time for a very blunt discussion imo

He shouldn't be upgrading his car whilst he owes you money. You should of said that. Or he shouldn't have asked your opinion.

That must have hurt, OP. It's not unreasonable to tell him how it hurt and give him a reality check that providing objectively sensible advice when invited to isn't being manipulative, interfering and controlling. If you want to help keep things genlte to not rock the boat, you might ask him to suggest what being interfering, manipulative and controlling might look like in the real world to help him understand the difference.

Good luck.

I’ve possibly painted a very negative picture of him, he generally is a really great son. He was accepted into flight school, worked hard and qualified at a very early age but it’s quite possible that it was also a too much, too soon situation. He walked straight into a job where he was on huge bucks from the word go, so he’s never worked his way up the ladder and this has been a massive reality check. He’s lived an almost artificial life for the past 6 years and come down to Earth with a massive bump

I think you need to be realistic. There are loads of people who could be accepted into flight school and could work hard and qualify as a pilot. But they don’t have the money to do this so have to go away and earn it.
The only reason your Ds could qualify at a young age is because you paid for him.

What happens in 4 years time when the newer sports car is a bit old and dated and he could possibly be working for a lesser salary. Where is the money for the newer model car coming from?

What a horrible thing to say. He asked for your opinion and you gave it. That's very straightforward and the opposite of manipulative. Not many people would think wasting money they may struggle to earn back for the foreseeable on something they don't need, is sensible. If air travel doesnt pick up for a while and he ends up doing something else, he has basically thrown away a deposit on a house. Or was he planning on living rent free at yours for ever.

To be honest even if he hadn't asked for an opinion, I think when you sre subsidising his living costs and he owes you 11k, you do get to have a say if he blows a load of money on something stupid

Realistically is he likely to ever get back to earning the same money or working in his previous job. He's going to look a bit silly working in a supermarket with a hugely expensive car outside. I once worked with a man who earned 28k and drove a Ferrari. He was treated with the utmost suspicion.

He didn’t want your advice, he wanted your validation. He knows he owes you the money and he’s benefiting from living rent free and that he can’t really go splashing the cash but he reeeeally wants the can and he wants you to give him your blessing so that he doesn’t feel guilty.

Whilst it’s a shit situation for him and it’s totally not his fault and it’s good that he’s taken on a job to tide him over, he needs to realise that he can’t have everything he wants.