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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

252 replies

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 19:41

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

OP posts:
Original poster
2389Champ · 03/07/2021 17:46

[quote BertiesShoes]@2389Champ

You have been asked a few times, by myself and others, what has happened to his pilot salary, which, as he earned £4.5k/mth for 6 yrs, would have come to a substantial amount.

Why won’t you answer that question?[/quote]
Sorry, I missed these.

I’m afraid he just lived the high life. He had quite hefty rent overseas but admits he just ate out a lot, bought what he wanted and socialised a lot when he wasn’t on duty. We did try and encourage him to invest in a property in the U.K. as a base, but he was very much live in the moment. No excuses but I was pretty similar in my early twenties!

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 03/07/2021 17:52

But also @2389Champ whilst he may not have been wise with his money no one really foresaw the pandemic coming and he was in a pretty secure position and had no reason to believe the income stream would stop.

MrsToothyBitch · 03/07/2021 17:56

I appreciate that Covid hit him hard and I am pleased for you that he has apologised and is sorting out the 11k- sounds like he has already had a much needed shock and learnt a much needed lesson.

I'd still charge rent though, either from now or starting as soon as he's landed a better job if you're feeling really kind and want to allow him a chance to recoup some cash. You've been really, really good to him but as Covid has hopefully taught him- nasty stuff can and does happen. I think it really is time to stop protecting him from financial reality. If he doesn't experience, he can't learn. I'm not saying don't offer advice or let him go totally under, just let him deal with the same reality as many other 25yos trying to stay afloat.

Based on his current financial common sense and experience- if you and your DH died tomorrow, how long do you think he'd make an inheritance last and what would it go on?

LadyEloise · 03/07/2021 17:58

Well done 2389.
A great life lesson for him - Don't p*ss off a benefactor.
Hopefully he will not act so entitled and rude again. Which will bode well in his relationship too as his gf doesn't appear to be selfish and grabby.

Original poster
2389Champ · 03/07/2021 17:58

@Billybagpuss

But also *@2389Champ* whilst he may not have been wise with his money no one really foresaw the pandemic coming and he was in a pretty secure position and had no reason to believe the income stream would stop.
That’s exactly what happened - to him and many others. He was living the dream, guaranteed a great salary, had a future with great prospects. Within 6 weeks he was literally grounded with no pay in a foreign country unable to return for 5 months.
OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/07/2021 18:00

Well done OP.

You no doubt love your son, but you will be very upset if your generosity fuels a huge sense of entitlement and expectation from him that will prevent him maturing into the man you want him to be.

Would he even consider this car if he was paying his way?

Wanting an even flashier car when you are working in a supermarket unable to pay rent is unrealistic and self indulgent.

He needs to be encouraged to be realistic.

Juststopasking · 03/07/2021 18:15

It makes me sick that so many people struggle to get anywhere in life because of a lack of opportunities and money. And yet here we have a very privileged man who has been handed his dreams on a silver platter, and still relies heavily on mum and dad and yet he throws it back in your face. You and his dad have created a greedy, entitled little git.

Mayaspecialist · 03/07/2021 18:24

Obviously no one could have forseen a pandemic.

But airlines go out of business all the time. or pilots have a health issue that rears its head and stops them flying. Or an accident.

Unfortunately, it seems by funding his career and not making him work for it, he wasn't mature enough to plan things out.

But he can turn it around now. Only if you stop picking up all the pieces for him.

EveryoneIsThere · 03/07/2021 18:28

That sounds like a good result. He apologised and is going to pay you back. It was obnoxious behaviour but as it was out of character then I’d let it go. Maybe you can have a chat about it when you next see him. I wouldn’t be writing him off as some sort of loser like some posters. He’s worked hard and adapted to losing his high flying job. (Literally high flying). As PPs have said there was no way he could have anticipated the pandemic.

I’m not sure I would be a scathing as some posters about him being so flash with his cash. He is young and should have an excellent career in font of him. He will have plenty of time to save assuming the pandemic doesn’t mess things up,too much.

willstarttomorrow · 03/07/2021 18:31

I think you are a very supportive parent and your son really does not realise how lucky he is. The pandemic has been really cruel, particularly to people working in aviation. However how many have family who can offer the level of support you have? He is incredibly privileged and needs a reality check. He has a huge buffer from his redundancy- he may not see it that way- but couples both working full time these days on average wages would see that money as life changing if they did not have to pay rent/mortgage. He should buy a reliable runaround he can afford to maintain like the rest of us when life throws a curve ball. He is not the first person who life has dealt a nasty and unexpected blow and he will not be the last.

marble11 · 03/07/2021 18:48

Why does someone earning £4500 a month and living rent free need Mummy to lend them 11k towards a car?

Bythemillpond · 03/07/2021 18:53

Because at the time they were earning £4.5k they weren’t in the country. Only recently got back because of Covid and has been living off savings in a foreign country for the past 18 months.

Mayaspecialist · 03/07/2021 19:02

He hasn't been living off savings for the past 18 months.

His savings ran out quite quickly. That's why he has a job and lives rent free.

Mamamamasaurus · 03/07/2021 19:09

He needs to grow the fuck up. He's spoiled and entitled. He should be paying back the 11k he owes you and starting to pay some bloody rent.

Sod a new car - live within your means. His current means don't extend to a 3L car.

Stop carrying him.

paniniswapx3 · 03/07/2021 20:01

Well done Op - I think that's a good result. I don't imagine he's nearly as bad or as selfish as people here are saying & he's obviously done well and worked hard (with your support). He's learnt a harsh life lesson and hopefully this will stand him in good stead in the future. I wish him well and hope he gets the opportunity to return to being a pilot.

SpringCrocus · 03/07/2021 20:06

So he arrived back in the UK in July 2020, and has been living rent free since then? Is that correct?

SpringCrocus · 03/07/2021 20:09

I see it is.
Wow, he's even more of an entitled man child than I thought

QueenBee52 · 03/07/2021 20:24

Im glad you asked for the £11K back.. and shocked him back to cold hard reality 🌸

Standrewsschool · 03/07/2021 21:14

Well done on asking for the money back - it’s given him a reality check

Use627 · 03/07/2021 21:22

Spoilt brat! He has it too easy, that's why he has this vile attitude

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/07/2021 22:21

I think you've handled this really well op, and it sounds like a good result if you've had an apology and he's repaying the loan.

More importantly, you've asserted yourself and he's learnt a number of important life lessons - mainly to save for a rainy day, and not to piss of the people who are supporting you.

You say he's normally a decent sort, so I hope he does learn from it.

Mandalay246 · 04/07/2021 02:52

Well done OP! I think he may have just learnt a valuable lesson and for that alone I think you've done the right thing.

Iloveacurry · 04/07/2021 20:46

Well done op.

Realistically he should be selling the original car and get a more sensible one, plus paying you back the 11k.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/07/2021 06:43

I’m glad he got the wake up call. Now to address the rent so he starts paying his way. If you don’t, he will be living there a very long time. And if he lives there rent free for 10 years or more, he could claim adverse possession of the house and win.

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 05/07/2021 06:50

Well done OP.

It's fine to help out your kids financially, even as adults, but you always need to be thinking about how it's affecting them. Make sure you are actually helping them to get back on their feet, and not just throwing money into a blackhole with nothing to show for it.