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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

252 replies

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 19:41

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

OP posts:
Biker47 · 03/07/2021 12:25

@Pixie1771

So he was earning 3.5k a month and you let him live rent free?? And he still owes you 11k Never heard anything like it. While you were letting him live rent free he could have paid off the 11k? Seriously this is terrible....unfortunately its you that has made him like it. Stop it now.
He was living abroad when he was working as a pilot, so I don't think he was living in OP's rental house then, from what I understand anyways.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/07/2021 12:28

He can do what he wants with the money but he sounds spoiled because you keep paying for everything for a grown man.

Why on earth did you give a 25 year old 11,000 for a fucking sports car? How to make a young man entitled. He needs to learn a few life lessons. I would start charging rent asap - fine to maybe make it cheaper if his income is a bit lower at the moment but giving him a completely free ride is preventing him learning how to budget according to his income.

Mrstamborineman · 03/07/2021 12:39

Start charging rent immediately spoilt brat.
However tbf and not disrespect you are enabling him.
Who loans adult child £11 towards a car
Charges no rent then child flushes money down the drain.
Stop being a door mat.

Original poster
2389Champ · 03/07/2021 15:08

Just to clarify:

The original sports car was £28k - he paid £17k and we provided £11k top up, to be repaid when he sold the car he owned overseas. This was arranged in February 2020. His airline stopped flying, and paying his salary in March 2020. Because of the worldwide lockdown, he was stuck overseas until July paying rent on an apartment there with no income. Tbf, he didn’t ask for any help then and continued to use any savings supporting himself.

As it was clear the aviation industry wasn’t going to recover in the foreseeable future, he sold his overseas car at a loss and came back to the U.K. in late July and at my suggestion, moved into our second property. He then applied for any work at all and got the supermarket job.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 03/07/2021 15:31

Is he still looking for alternative work or is he waiting for the world to open up again? Someone with his background could get somewhere else with a good career progression option.

Original poster
2389Champ · 03/07/2021 15:35

@Billybagpuss

Is he still looking for alternative work or is he waiting for the world to open up again? Someone with his background could get somewhere else with a good career progression option.
He IS actively looking for alternative employment and would consider a career change too. That’s one good thing!
OP posts:
Sssloou · 03/07/2021 15:38

It doesn’t really matter about the ins and outs of the car ... if he had borrowed 50p or £50K .... take the money out of it for now - he was incredibly disrespectful and insulting to you.

Do you feel able to have a conversation with him to focus on how his words and actions made you feel?

billy1966 · 03/07/2021 15:39

OP,

He is denying his reality.

You have bankrolled a career for him and unfortunately he has had a change in circumstances.

You are still going to have to parent him.

If you don't his spoiled little brat behaviour will continue and he will turn into an entitled waster.

You should be insisting on the 11,000 be returned asap and tell him he needs to start paying rent.

Do you want him to be a functioning adult who deals with stuff realistically or do you want him to be a spoiled waster?

Do you want him to mature into a man that will be a good husband and father or a spoiled selfish waster that has been reared by his parents that he can borrow and live off others.

Your husband is a weak selfish man not to care about what is best for your son.

Your son is depending on you to be the only parent who cares enough to give him the clear tough love he needs for his future.

You will bitterly regret it if you don't.
Flowers

beingajen2 · 03/07/2021 16:20

I feel like the money thing is slightly separate. If the loan goes unpaid, you can work it out in the long run possibly by not contributing to future deposits or weddings ( like you have/will with his sister). As the loan was so open, it is hard to enforce, and these are truly extraordinary times. You've also been truly generous on hi return, but really have only done what you offered, so hard to hold that over his head.

HOWEVER, calling you manipulative is completely unacceptable. It has only been said/written to hurt you deeply. Your 20s is a time when you start to take on more of a caring role for your parents emotionally. I would just say that your behaviour to date has been only supportive in his circumstances, and not at all judgemental of his situation, but that you are truly hurt, surprised and disappointed in his reaction and language toward you as his parent. And that it is not fair to ask for opinions and then punish people for their considered answers. I'd then give him a little space for a while until he's calmed down a bit.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/07/2021 16:31

Having read the context of your generosity, I can understand why you leant him £11k - a short term loan while he sold a car, pre-pandemic - and I would certainly offer an adult child, in unexpectedly dire straits and returning from abroad, the use of a property rent-free while he got on his feet.

But once he received his £35k redundancy money, I would expect the offer of repayment and rent.

Whether I accepted it or not would depend on a number of things, but I'd expect the offer.

The fact that it didn't even occur to him, that he decided to upgrade his car instead, is quite shocking, as is his criticism of you when you gave him your opinion upon request.

I expect his gf told him to repay you and he told her that you wouldn't mind him buying a car, that you wouldn't want the money back or any rent. When that didn't happen, he behaved very badly indeed.

Have you responded to his message yet?

Threewheeler1 · 03/07/2021 16:43

Crikey.
He might need to be learning that life's about living within your means.
Sounds like you've already given him an amazing headstart OP and he's been incredibly ungrateful & hurtful in return.
Think I'd be scaling back any help I gave him until he showed he could make financially responsible decisions.
He lives rent free in his own home at a young age and that's thanks to you. Not the experience of most people at his age!

Newmumatlast · 03/07/2021 16:53

Yanbu. I would personally tell him its clear from his attitude that I've been too lenient on him and he has no clue how much I've helped and is clearly too sheltered from reality. Given he is in 11k debt to you, that should have been his immediate priority to pay and not spending out more unnecessarily. I would therefore call in that debt now as it won't make him destitute given he has an income and lives in your second property, and he owes it and agreed to pay it to you. Now he has funds he should. I would also be inclined to start charging him at least a nominal rental rum - say £250 pcm. Its a whole lot less than market rent and he needs to grow up and get used to paying. He has had it easy. If you dont want to charge rent at the very least I would say unless he pays the 11k within 14 days he will either have to start paying rent or find somewhere else to live. I'm sorry but he's ungrateful and irresponsible

BertiesShoes · 03/07/2021 17:00

@2389Champ

You have been asked a few times, by myself and others, what has happened to his pilot salary, which, as he earned £4.5k/mth for 6 yrs, would have come to a substantial amount.

Why won’t you answer that question?

MondayYogurt · 03/07/2021 17:05

Does he know how much you both inherited from your mothers?

1FootInTheRave · 03/07/2021 17:12

He is an entitled, spoilt little twat.

I'd be devastated if one of mine had this attitude.

pinkyredrose · 03/07/2021 17:16

normally a great guy and very caring Hmm

When things go his way anyway.

Why did you lend him 11k when he was earning such a high amount?

altiara · 03/07/2021 17:17

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice”

Son, you owe me £11k and I’m losing £xx a month for you to live rent free. If you want to choose to spend your money like an adult please transfer me my 11k plus monthly rent of x.
I would probably have to tie my hands and mouth up before I suggested he pay back flight school fees. The words he used are very hurtful and I’d be shutting the bank of mum and dad effective immediately.

chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 17:22

OK, given that he is usually decent and you can obviously afford to support him, I am going to take money out of this all together.

He should not treat you the way he has, it was disrespectful and rude. If you now agree on this, you are accepting that behaviour. He owes you a massive apology, if nothing else.

Original poster
2389Champ · 03/07/2021 17:25

@fourminutestosavetheworld

Having read the context of your generosity, I can understand why you leant him £11k - a short term loan while he sold a car, pre-pandemic - and I would certainly offer an adult child, in unexpectedly dire straits and returning from abroad, the use of a property rent-free while he got on his feet.

But once he received his £35k redundancy money, I would expect the offer of repayment and rent.

Whether I accepted it or not would depend on a number of things, but I'd expect the offer.

The fact that it didn't even occur to him, that he decided to upgrade his car instead, is quite shocking, as is his criticism of you when you gave him your opinion upon request.

I expect his gf told him to repay you and he told her that you wouldn't mind him buying a car, that you wouldn't want the money back or any rent. When that didn't happen, he behaved very badly indeed.

Have you responded to his message yet?

I’ve just spoken to him and told him to transfer the £11000 to me as it’s only fair he repays the outstanding loan before he PX the car and that if I was a bank or a loan company, that would be the standard procedure. He was pretty shocked and said if he does that, he can’t afford the new car… You cut your cloth etc.

I told him his message to me was also unacceptable and he did apologise and acknowledged my advice “came from a good place”

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 03/07/2021 17:27

Message back
I apologise - so to remove any thoughts of my control over you and your money I think we should aim for a fresh start and draw the line under things. So I suggest you should pay me back what you owe for the car and start paying a market rent for the house and I won’t comment on your finances. Love you mum xx

chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 17:28

Well done OP. Hopefully he will think a little bit about how he treats you going forward x

Original poster
2389Champ · 03/07/2021 17:33

Sorry! Pressed button too soon.

You are right. Had he not decided to upgrade his car, the repayment of money wouldn’t have been an issue, nor the rent. I helped him out in time of need and still would, it’s the principle that he felt a sense of entitlement just to purchase a ludicrously expensive vehicle and to tell me it’s his money to do what he wants with when it wasn’t quite ‘all HIS money’ If that makes sense? :s

Having spoken to his gf, I think that’s EXACTLY what happened!

OP posts:
Pugdoglife · 03/07/2021 17:34

He definitely needs to pay back the £11k from his £35k.
If he can then use his wages to pay you rent and repayments on the newer more expensive car then fair enough. But he can't expect you to help him fund such a lifestyle.
I would also think putting away the rest of his £35k for the future (e.g. house deposit) would be a better idea.

Notaroadrunner · 03/07/2021 17:35

Good for you. He needed a wake up call. Hopefully now he'll have more respect for you and all your generosity to date. Let him make his own way now and learn the value of money, instead of throwing it away on an expensive car.

Leeds2 · 03/07/2021 17:43

Good for you. And make sure he does pay the money back. Don't just let it slide.

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