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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think "I'll wait for them to ask" is bad parenting?

136 replies

SesameOrangutan · 02/07/2021 17:08

There's a thread I've just seen where a parent has said they're contemplating asking their DC whether they want something that they really should've had a long time ago but that they don't want to offer it to them because they want the DC to come to them and ask for it of their own volition.
I've had friends with this too - like a friend whose DD had hairy legs and she was waiting for her daughter to bring it up and ask about hair removal instead of her mentioning it. A lot of children/teens really smell bad but their parents are waiting for them to bring up wearing deodorant (which they won't until it's too late because they won't know they smell until someone else points it out).
When I was a child/teen, we grew up without much money and I never felt like I could ask for anything. DM seemed completely oblivious that things I needed weren't being provided for and, because she had a temper, I never felt comfortable asking for anything or bringing anything up myself. DM would never, ever see my childhood that way and genuinely believes we had a very close relationship. My wages from my part-time job went directly into her account. I never had sanitary products because I couldn't ask my mum for them so I used toilet roll instead (which doesn't work btw), I used to shave my legs/armpits at friends houses in their bathrooms when I asked to use the toilet, I didn't eat breakfast or lunch (my mum ate at work and it didn't seem to occur to her that there was nothing at home for breakfast/lunch).
I wonder how many well meaning parents are putting all the responsibility on their children to ask for basic things that they need - and how many children are too scared, embarrassed or naive to ask for it. AIBU to think that a major part of being a parent is pro-actively providing for your child or asking about their needs instead of always sitting and waiting for instructions from a child on what they need?

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 02/07/2021 17:10

Wow I would defo say the other way around. Bringing things like hair removal up with your teens/Pre teens is setting them up for a life of hair removal and thinking it's not normal. They have plenty of time for that. Wait till they want to defo not bad parenting

Dogoodfeelgood · 02/07/2021 17:11

I totally agree, it’s our job as parents to guide and support teens into happy healthy adults, I would certainly give my daughter advice (without pressure) so she understands her options - especially with rewards to hygiene etc.

TeenMinusTests · 02/07/2021 17:12

AIBU to think that a major part of being a parent is pro-actively providing for your child or asking about their needs instead of always sitting and waiting for instructions from a child on what they need?

YANBU.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 02/07/2021 17:12

It depends on what the issue is. If your teen smells then yes obviously you should discuss showering daily and wearing deoderant. I think other stuff depends on the child will they feel too shy to bring it up themselves? Will they feel pressured if you bring it up? Is it really necessary?

AnUnoriginalUsername · 02/07/2021 17:15

I completely agree. If you don't feel comfortable having a conversation about something with your kid dont you think they feel less comfortable having that conversation with you?

UpSlyDown · 02/07/2021 17:16

I agree with you OP 100%. Especially things like sanitary products etc. My mum was a doctor and was great- had a frank honest open conversation about periods when I started and made sure we always had pads/tampons in the house so I never had to ask for them (i would have felt comfortable asking her for them anyway but was nice to never be caught short etc). I hope to be the same for my children. Surely things like shaving legs is part of the puberty chats you’d have which would start when they are really quite young?

lazylinguist · 02/07/2021 17:16

YANBU. Although it partly depends what the thing is. I brought up hair removal with dd, but in a very straightforward 'Let me know if you ever want to do this, but absolutely don't feel that I'm encouraging you to or that it's something you need to do" kind of way. She's now about to turn 16 and has no desire to remove hair.

MakkaPakkas · 02/07/2021 17:16

Providing food, clothes & basic hygiene things, yes - that should be done proactively.
Promoting norms around hair removal - less so. I'd wait for my kid to bring it up. One has, one hasn't & they are following their own approaches.

Mrsfrumble · 02/07/2021 17:16

I think hair removal is in a different category to deodorant and sanpro. The latter two are a hygiene issue, but a teen / preteen may genuinely not be bothered by body hair and shouldn’t feel pressured into removing it.

SesameOrangutan · 02/07/2021 17:17

@Looneytune253

Wow I would defo say the other way around. Bringing things like hair removal up with your teens/Pre teens is setting them up for a life of hair removal and thinking it's not normal. They have plenty of time for that. Wait till they want to defo not bad parenting
You can raise it without dictating what must happen or what you think they should do. It's a choice you're facilitating so they can choose for themselves. By not bringing it up, you're pretty much forcing them one way. In the same way that I highly doubt anyone would say that bringing up contraception options with a teen is setting them up for a life on the pill - it's not, you're just giving them options and the opportunity to voice what they want.
OP posts:
Poppydoppy18 · 02/07/2021 17:18

If it’s hygiene related, like showering/deodorant and sanitary products, I’d just bring it up.
Not shaving though, I’m glad it’s getting more and more ‘normal’ again for women to have a bit of hair on their legs and armpits.

TedMullins · 02/07/2021 17:19

YANBU that parents should provide food, sanitary wear and have a gentle word with a smelly teenager, but YABU to equate shaving legs with all that. It's unnecessary, it's a stupid sexist societal standard and I wouldn't be encouraging my kids (if I had them) to do it. That is one thing I'd not mention, and if they decided to shave of their own volition then so be it.

NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 02/07/2021 17:20

I had a mother very like yours. I was also the smelly girl with hardly any lunch money, no deodorant or sanitary ware. I used to use my dad's razor and deodorant if I could get to it and the same with my mum's tampax. We didn't have much money so I think my parents shared a can of deodorant. I didn't even have a bra until age 16 my auntie insisted. I had to keep my jumper on at school.
I've decided with my daughter, not to wait until asked but discuss as and when. I'd have loved to have the right stuff just appear in my room so I'm planning that.

ComDummings · 02/07/2021 17:20

I totally agree. It’s lazy. Children often won’t ask for things. If a parent is uncomfortable and avoiding bringing something up then you can almost guarantee the child feels exactly the same. I read on a Facebook group a parent hadn’t discussed periods with their daughter. She started at 9 and had no idea what it was. How terrifying must that have been for that child just because the parents were waiting due to their own discomfort. Awful parenting.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2021 17:22

@Mrsfrumble

I think hair removal is in a different category to deodorant and sanpro. The latter two are a hygiene issue, but a teen / preteen may genuinely not be bothered by body hair and shouldn’t feel pressured into removing it.
I agree with this, really.

I probably would discuss hair removal in a “people often remove hair, it’s OK if you do or don’t want to” sense. They’ve grown up seeing my armpit hair and other hairy bits in greater or lesser extents of growth anyway. I wouldn’t necessarily encourage it in the way you seem to be suggesting.

I’m really sorry for your teen years, sounds really tough.

I actually don’t recall my mum talking about hair removal to us. There was Immac and disposable razors around, though.

Poppydoppy18 · 02/07/2021 17:22

@SesameOrangutan that’s 2 very different things though. Contraception is necessary to not become a teen mom (which most teens don’t want I’m assuming?)
Hair removal is purely for looks so unless it bothers them, no need to bring it up.

Ponoka7 · 02/07/2021 17:24

You had an abusive childhood, that doesn't reflect what posters relationships are like with their children. You can't bring something up without putting the idea in their heads. Hair removal only becomes a need when the teen asks about it, or for razors etc. Hair removal is optional. Unless you want a baby, or can abstain from sex, contraception isn't.
You've never experienced a nurturing Mother/daughter relationship and are projecting.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 17:24

RAISING hair removal with your daughter is horrible parenting! You're basically projecting your own issues on your child!

Hygiene, sanitary wear, no, you shouldn't wait, girls need to know about periods and be reassured they have everything they need around 8? They can start any time from 9 to 14, so better be prepared.

Sex and conception, it depends on age. I wouldn't raise it with little ones, but there's a stage when they need to know and you can start giving them book and discuss.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 02/07/2021 17:26

Couldn't agree more, even about the body hair issue.

I had really hairy legs as a child, and I never asked my mum if I could shave because I felt like I couldn't. I'm not sure why but I think I internalised my mum's message that I should be happy with them and not care what other people thought, so I never talked to her about it because I didn't want to disappoint her.

Eventually I just shaved them using my dad's razor, and my mum was upset that I didn't talk to her. She should have brought it up.

ComDummings · 02/07/2021 17:26

I think talking about hair removal is fine. Just within the puberty chat - body hair increases etc, some people shave their underarms and legs but it’s a personal preference, everyone is different etc. It doesn’t have to be raised as in ‘oh your legs are getting hairy, shall we buy you a razor?’

SesameOrangutan · 02/07/2021 17:27

[quote Poppydoppy18]@SesameOrangutan that’s 2 very different things though. Contraception is necessary to not become a teen mom (which most teens don’t want I’m assuming?)
Hair removal is purely for looks so unless it bothers them, no need to bring it up.[/quote]
Yes but sex is not necessary, just as hair removal is not necessary. It's up to each individual person whether to remove hair and whether to have sex. By telling someone about different contraceptive options you're not encouraging them to use them or encouraging them to have sex. Similarly, by telling someone about different hair removal options and offering to make them available, you're not encouraging them to remove their hair.
I understand that no one has to remove hair but the majority of women still do and most women feel more comfortable that way - how does a parent know what their child feels most comfortable with without asking? (Also, same goes for boys and hair removal - I know many boys who were ashamed of their facial hair but couldn't mention it to parents or were told by their parents they were too young to remove it).

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2021 17:27

I think the thing with optional stuff like hair removal is that if you have good, open communication with your teen, and are happy to chat periods and birth control and spot treatments and deodorant and would never withhold those things, then it’s fine to assume they will ask you if they need/want it. And you know your own children, too. If you’re a good parent you know if Teen A would die rather than ask, or if Teen B is very self-conscious, or whatever, and so you modify your approach to the individual.

I don’t think it’s a one size fits all issue.

Turquoisesol · 02/07/2021 17:29

I would agree with this. Some teens would be too embarrassed to ask and suffer in silence while potentially being teased

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2021 17:29

And teenagers now have the internet at their fingertips and YouTube and TikTok and all the rest for information. So it’s not like you need to discuss hair removal in the same way you need to discuss contraception.

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 17:30

I have voted yabu.

Because leg shaving is a personal thing. I won't guide my dd to shave her legs if she does want to. She is 17 and doesn't.

It has been mentioned when shevwas younger and I told her I sometimes do and sometimes don't and its up to her, so it's been talked alot

But also, I do think you have a point regarding something. Dd has always had sanitary towels etc available. She has always known where the spare packs are and told she doesn't need to ask.

The problem here you are taking something normal parents may have said and then taken it to the extreme because of your own childhood.

I would guess most of the parents who are saying this do have plenty of food available (for example) and their kids aren't scred to ask either.
Its one of those things that in a normal household with decent parents is fine. In a household where the parents are neglectful, it's awful.