to think "I'll wait for them to ask" is bad parenting?

[SesameOrangutan]

There's a thread I've just seen where a parent has said they're contemplating asking their DC whether they want something that they really should've had a long time ago but that they don't want to offer it to them because they want the DC to come to them and ask for it of their own volition.
I've had friends with this too - like a friend whose DD had hairy legs and she was waiting for her daughter to bring it up and ask about hair removal instead of her mentioning it. A lot of children/teens really smell bad but their parents are waiting for them to bring up wearing deodorant (which they won't until it's too late because they won't know they smell until someone else points it out).
When I was a child/teen, we grew up without much money and I never felt like I could ask for anything. DM seemed completely oblivious that things I needed weren't being provided for and, because she had a temper, I never felt comfortable asking for anything or bringing anything up myself. DM would never, ever see my childhood that way and genuinely believes we had a very close relationship. My wages from my part-time job went directly into her account. I never had sanitary products because I couldn't ask my mum for them so I used toilet roll instead (which doesn't work btw), I used to shave my legs/armpits at friends houses in their bathrooms when I asked to use the toilet, I didn't eat breakfast or lunch (my mum ate at work and it didn't seem to occur to her that there was nothing at home for breakfast/lunch).
I wonder how many well meaning parents are putting all the responsibility on their children to ask for basic things that they need - and how many children are too scared, embarrassed or naive to ask for it. AIBU to think that a major part of being a parent is pro-actively providing for your child or asking about their needs instead of always sitting and waiting for instructions from a child on what they need?

I think the best thing to do is just make your general life, available for them to see. If I'm wearing a pad, I change it in front of my daughter. She watches me put deodorant on and I explain that it makes me smell nice when I get hot but she doesn't need it because she isn't an adult yet. Just talk about things around children, constantly, and they will understand and learn from you.

@rhowton

I think the best thing to do is just make your general life, available for them to see. If I'm wearing a pad, I change it in front of my daughter. She watches me put deodorant on and I explain that it makes me smell nice when I get hot but she doesn't need it because she isn't an adult yet. Just talk about things around children, constantly, and they will understand and learn from you.

I agree with this. I was very embarrassed when I started my period and didn't go to my mum for over a year (spent a lot of time washing out pants) so I just make a point to be open about my period with my DD from early on, so it's normal to her.

Your DM was neglectful. I’m sure she would have given you that stuff if you’d asked but an adequate parent would not wait for the child to ask for food or sanitary protection. Children don’t always know what they need or don’t know how to ask. In general though, if you have an open relationship with your kids and they usually ask you for stuff, you don’t have to worry too much.

I won’t even introduce the idea of removing body hair. I don’t remove it myself and I think it’s oppressive, in the same way as high heels and make-up. But if it’s something that is more normal in your household it’s fine to bring it up.

I do think some of this stuff is optional though and probably shouldn’t be encouraged routinely. Actually no one needs toner and a lot of people don’t need deodorant as long as they wash daily. It’s the patriarchy/capitalist machine trying to make us despise our natural bodies and pay money to ‘fix’ them.

Looking back, I know she'd have made all of these things available to me if I'd brought it up - but at the time I was so, so, so scared of bringing it up. We're close now and DM thinks we always were, she honestly believes that - so I really do worry about the children of women like my DM who honestly, truthfully, completely and totally believe that their DC will approach them when their DC's perspective is very different.

It absolutely is bad, bad parenting not to realise your teenage daughter needs sanitary protection, deodorant and food - FOOD, FFS! - and despite this thread pretty much overwhelmingly showing you otherwise it sounds like you’re still taking the blame on yourself, not your mother. You were neglected. Your mother was neglectful. She sounds very selfish, actually, if she can’t even see the truth about your relationship in the past. Probably you have never brought it up because you’re still afraid of making her angry and you (unconsciously) blame yourself in some way.

In your particular case, you felt you couldn’t ask not out of average teenage embarrassment but because your mother had a nasty temper and money was tight. I’m sure there still are parents like yours around, sadly. But most parents do better, and as loads of people have said on this thread, they pay particular attention to the children who can’t or don’t ask - precisely to prevent any embarrassment.

I don’t know if you’ve got children, OP, or what age they are now, but you’ll be a better parent to them as teens than your mother was to you and perhaps at some point you’ll be able to reflect on this stuff with your mum in a helpful way. We all are very sensitive to the things we felt were unjust or bad in our own lives and - if we’re good parents - we try to fix them so our children don’t go through the same.

You completely lost me with the hairy legs.
I will never suggest to my girls they should shave their body hair.
If they want to though, fine.

Op, I am glad you have a good relationship with your mum now..

But if you mum never had sanitary towels in, food available etc but she genuinely believes she did, that suggests quite severe denial or severe mental health problems.

She ate at work, but genuinely thought you wouldn't want to eat until the evening? She had her wages paid into her own account, but didn't think you would need to money for personal things she wasn't providing?

She knew you didn't have access to money? But also had no idea a teenage girl would need sanitary towels? And she never thought 'why hasn't dd mentioned it?'

It sounds like your relationship with your mother is very complicated and I think both of you are covering over the real issues, to have a good relationship now.

I get what you are saying and some parents may think they are providing everything a child needs but they aren't. But most people are good parents. They know if their kids will ask. And parent accordingly.

My dd is less likely to ask for something, than ds. So I parent them accordingly.

But if they got up and there was no soap, or food, or tooth paste both of them would be moaning at me. They will moan if its not the right Ham, or brand of soap etc, so they would definitely moan if there wasn't anything. They also add food to the shopping list as they think of it.

I didn't have the best childhood, so get that things that happen to you, make you think a certain way. But not everyone is your mum.

But if they got up and there was no soap, or food, or tooth paste both of them would be moaning at me. They will moan if its not the right Ham, or brand of soap etc, so they would definitely moan if there wasn't anything. They also add food to the shopping list as they think of it.

I think that's the big difference. I wouldn't have dared to moan to my mother that there was no soap, let alone not the right brand of ham. So I guess if your DC can/do there's less worry about being proactive in making sure they have things/you check things with them.

Yanbu completely agree with you OP. I had a similar experience and got jobs at a young age to get what I needed including school lunches. I also agree hair removal is in the same category, i felt really uncomfortable with my hairy legs and I would have loved my mum to have a conversation about it with me. No pressure just options if you want them.

Depends what the thing is:
Health and hygeine related, e.g. deodorant sanitary pads: parent takes the initiative and buy them
Beauty related, e.g. hair removal, wearing make-up: wait for child to bring it up

I think that's the big difference. I wouldn't have dared to moan to my mother that there was no soap, let alone not the right brand of ham. So I guess if your DC can/do there's less worry about being proactive in making sure they have things/you check things with them.

100% agree. That's why I think it can't be labelled as bad parenting. It's one of those things that's works in some houses. Wouldn't in others. And lots of people know their kids are less likely to ask so make sure things are provided.

I may be wrong, but I suspect in most houses where kids really feel they can't speak up and things aren't provided have a lot of problems that have led to that situation.

I just don't think it can be a blanket 'this is good/bad parenting'

I would assume my girls would ask or take my spare shaver if they needed one. They have no issue asking for things and I will happily buy them any essential items. Non essential items are different, I may ask them to mow the lawn so that items are earned.