AIBU? Please be kind

blahblahblah321 · 02/07/2021 09:08

Lucy, if anyone tells you you're the unreasonable one - then they are being unreasonable!

Sorry, but your "D"H was being a prick. When you say you're on the verge of divorce, what do you mean? You have already discussed it or that you are waiting for a date for one of you to move out? If you are wanting to do it, do it! You deserve better x

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:10

We have discussed it, if you see through my previous threads you'll see why...but I currently have a family member on end of life care so I don't really have the mental capacity at the moment to divorce, look after a toddler and have a dying family member to look after

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Riv · 02/07/2021 09:10

You are not being unreasonable. You told him when to be ready. He knew about the time slot. He had plenty of time to get ready. He clearly didn’t care.
No wonder he’s soon to be ex.
So sorry he didn’t care about your thoughtful gift.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/07/2021 09:10

Your husband is a dick. Divorcing him sounds a very sensible plan.

Dillydollydingdong · 02/07/2021 09:12

This outsider's view is that probably he didn't actually want to go to the zoo at all. You bought tickets thinking that it would be nice for you all to spend some time together, but he seems to have thought of it as a chore. Did you discuss with him beforehand what he'd like as a present? It looks as though he was putting it off, and putting it off.

Youdiditanyway · 02/07/2021 09:12

YANBU, divorce is the sensible thing to do.

romdowa · 02/07/2021 09:12

Your husband sounds like an asshole. He purposely started the argument to give him the perfect excuse not to go. Divorce really sounds like the best thing here.

GoodHairDay86 · 02/07/2021 09:13

I think yanbu overall, but did he want to go to the zoo? If my partner got me that I wouldn't be too pleased to be honest, especially if hungover. I get you're upset but its his birthday and he should be able to sit on his arse if he wants

dreamingbohemian · 02/07/2021 09:14

He sounds like a real jerk.

If he was hungover and tired, and you're on the verge of divorce, a family day out was maybe not a great idea. He might not have seen zoo tickets as a present for him. But he should have just told you he didn't want to go rather than stalling and being a jerk.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/07/2021 09:14

Yanbu. You tried to do something nice and he shat on it.

smudgemylife · 02/07/2021 09:14

You're not unreasonable he was acting poorly, but did you ask if he wanted to go to the zoo on his birthday?

If you're in the process of getting a divorce I couldnt imagine anything worse than a day of forced fun, nor would the zoo be a treat for me (totally get your husband may be different!!). Neither would I be buying my soon to be ex a birthday gift with little money.

I think you were cutting off your nose to spite your face by going to cry at your friends instead of taking yourself off to the zoo for the day though.

I think you should put this into the 'why I'm divorcing' pile and refocus on the bigger things to come. Try not to give it a second thought, it's his birthday he spoilt.

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:15

Just to clarify It wasn't his birthday on the day we were going. It was days later...and I got it for him as a gift from our son as a way for us to make a memory together, it isn't far from our house and it was only an afternoon slot so it wouldn't have been a whole big day event...

Him and my son are always talking about the zoo etc (well him to my son) so I thought it would be nice for us all

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blahblahblah321 · 02/07/2021 09:16

@Dillydollydingdong

This outsider's view is that probably he didn't actually want to go to the zoo at all. You bought tickets thinking that it would be nice for you all to spend some time together, but he seems to have thought of it as a chore. Did you discuss with him beforehand what he'd like as a present? It looks as though he was putting it off, and putting it off.

I wonder this too, but then why not just say that? Instead of blaming OP? I hate playing games!!

peachescariad · 02/07/2021 09:16

I can see why you're divorcing him.....good riddance....YANBU far from it.
He sounds like a complete dickhead, while you sound lovely. I hope you and your son make it to the zoo very soon

Aprilx · 02/07/2021 09:17

I am really struggling to understand why, if you are down to the last of your money, you thought spending it on a trip to the zoo would be a good idea.

I think your husband just didn’t want to go, had he ever expressed any interest in the trip?

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:18

I didn't mind spending the money as I was due to be paid days later...and yes he does like the zoo, it wasn't on his actual birthday that I had booked to go it was days later

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SmellThat · 02/07/2021 09:18

It's really sad that he messed up a lovely family day out. I'd be really disappointed that he didn't make an effort for your child regardless of it being his birthday or not
He's a dick

siblingrevelryagain · 02/07/2021 09:18

You deserve better. You deserve someone who communicates like a grown up, even if the zoo wasn’t his thing.

You also deserve someone who is mindful of the stress, sadness and grief you’re going through and, rather than adding to it with dickish behaviour, supports and helps you.

In a relationship where you aren’t looked after or fulfilled, divorce is not to be feared x

doyouneedtowean · 02/07/2021 09:19

He behaved badly, but did you ask if he wanted to go to the zoo for his birthday or just think it would be nice yourself?

It sounds like you looked at it from the POV of it being something you’d love and assume he would too, but it seems you just made his birthday into a stressful chore and didn’t get him something he’d actually like.

Sunshinesusan41 · 02/07/2021 09:19

I hope you're ok. You sound like you're under a lot of pressure at the moment.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. You bought him a gift albeit something for you all to enjoy and he couldn't even get off his arse to get ready. My impression is that he just didn't want to go. But he could have said that to you instead of arsing around and trying to make out you were the one in the wrong.

You could have taken your son and enjoyed it without your dh but you're definitely not being unreasonable for feeling how you do. Seems quite toxic so the sooner you separate the better it'll be for you all.

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:20

@doyouneedtowean we went to his favourite restaurant on his birthday and had a toddler free date. This was a gift from our son that was for days later, not on his actual birthday

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Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:21

In the days leading up to the zoo he said he was really excited to show our son the animals and he was looking forward to it

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Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:22

@newmummylucy

Morning

First up I'd like to ask that you're kind in the comments as I really don't have the emotional capacity for nastiness, I just simply want to know if i am being unreasonable, as this situation has really hurt me.

It was my husbands birthday 3 weeks ago and we are on the verge of divorce. I am very short on money this month and for his present from our son I used the last of my money to buy us all tickets to visit the zoo.

I said to my husband we need to leave by 1pm to make our time slot and I must have said this around 4-5 times. My husband was looking after our son in the monring while I worked and then he put our son down for his nap.

While our son napped instead of getting ready to go for our day out my husband just sat on the sofa for a good 1.5 hours as he was 'tired'. I said to him we need to leave soon can you please get ready etc.

It then came the time we needed to leave and myself and my son were ready to go and my husband hadn't even got in the shower and he refused to leave until he had showered. I said to him he's just sat down while our son napped for 1.5 hours and done nothing and now we need to leave he wants to shower and make us late and my husband said to me I can't even allow him 15 minutes to shower.

That isn't the case at all. We had a time slot to make and I said to him so many times we need to leave at a certain time and he just sat around doing nothing, and then for him to turn around and say he knew this would happen and he wouldn't be able to shower and to turn it back on me as if I'm the bad person.

I got really really upset and ended up taking my son to my friends house and crying all afternoon. I just felt so unappreciated as I had used the last of my money and planned everything out with restaurants etc.

My husband was out drinking all day the day before so he was probably hungover in regards to why he was tired.

Please be kind I'd just like an outsiders view on this.

Thanks.

Lucy.

It was not planned on his actual birthday guys!! It was a trip to be taken days later

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namechange30455 · 02/07/2021 09:26

Why did you book a family day out with a bloke you know you want to divorce?

I'm not being flippant, but can you really articulate why? I can't imagine buying my DP that kind of present when we'd basically already split up?

the80sweregreat · 02/07/2021 09:26

I'd crack on with that divorce , Lucy, and put this on the experiences you have in life category.
Once your free of him you won't have to nag him to do anything anymore. Happy days