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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Please be kind

150 replies

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:05

Morning

First up I'd like to ask that you're kind in the comments as I really don't have the emotional capacity for nastiness, I just simply want to know if i am being unreasonable, as this situation has really hurt me.

It was my husbands birthday 3 weeks ago and we are on the verge of divorce. I am very short on money this month and for his present from our son I used the last of my money to buy us all tickets to visit the zoo.

I said to my husband we need to leave by 1pm to make our time slot and I must have said this around 4-5 times. My husband was looking after our son in the monring while I worked and then he put our son down for his nap.

While our son napped instead of getting ready to go for our day out my husband just sat on the sofa for a good 1.5 hours as he was 'tired'. I said to him we need to leave soon can you please get ready etc.

It then came the time we needed to leave and myself and my son were ready to go and my husband hadn't even got in the shower and he refused to leave until he had showered. I said to him he's just sat down while our son napped for 1.5 hours and done nothing and now we need to leave he wants to shower and make us late and my husband said to me I can't even allow him 15 minutes to shower.

That isn't the case at all. We had a time slot to make and I said to him so many times we need to leave at a certain time and he just sat around doing nothing, and then for him to turn around and say he knew this would happen and he wouldn't be able to shower and to turn it back on me as if I'm the bad person.

I got really really upset and ended up taking my son to my friends house and crying all afternoon. I just felt so unappreciated as I had used the last of my money and planned everything out with restaurants etc.

My husband was out drinking all day the day before so he was probably hungover in regards to why he was tired.

Please be kind I'd just like an outsiders view on this.

Thanks.

Lucy.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 02/07/2021 10:37

For all those saying perhaps he didnt want to go.Then he could have calmly told OP

I would imagine he didn’t do that because throwing a trip to the zoo (which was a final birthday present from his child before his parents separate) back in your face, would probably ended up being anything but calm.

He doesn’t want you to split up with him, so is not toeing the line.

I’m not defending him at all, I can see why you want to split up with him and think that’s for the best. But I suggest you make it as painless as possible, by avoiding arranging trips out with him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/07/2021 10:39

I think you tried to do a nice thing, but ‘making memories’ with a man you are on the verge of divorcing was probably not going to end well

Agree with this.

What really gets me in all of this Is he says he wants it to work and he can see us having a future and he doesn't want a divorce, but then he behaves the total opposite

Always pay attention to peoples actions not words. I think you're flogging a dead horse hear sadly.

randomkey123 · 02/07/2021 10:41

In the kindest way, take off your rose coloured glasses and start looking at him for the man he is - and not the man that you desperately want him to be.

Stop putting off the inevitable, and move on with your life.

He simply doesn't care. And won't, no matter how much you want him to Flowers

SirVixofVixHall · 02/07/2021 10:43

YANBU
He sounds like he enjoys making you upset.
I am so sorry about your Mum. I have been through it and I know how hard it is. Flowers

Mandalay246 · 02/07/2021 10:44

YANBU. You tried to make a nice memory for the family and he ruined it with his behaviour. However, I would have taken DS to the zoo myself and let him miss out. Ignore the posters who are critical of your gifts, some people seem incapable of being kind and seem to get a kick out of thinking they know the answer to everything, when in fact they know nothing.

saleorbouy · 02/07/2021 10:46

Regardless of the day you had planned and he didn't appreciate it sounds as though your relationship is done.
If you can't communicate, be kind, honest and remain civil to each other when discussing differences of opinion then is curtains really.
Is the stress of your family members medical situation compounding marital issues or were they obvious before this happened.
Hope everything works out for you.

BastardMonkfish · 02/07/2021 10:48

YANBU. I think it was cruel of him to wriggle out of going since your son was presumably looking forward to it. Poor wee lad deserves to live in a happy home and not be disappointed by a hungover dad.

Souther · 02/07/2021 10:48

YANBU.

3Britnee · 02/07/2021 10:49

The only thing you are unreasonable for is going to your friend's house. You should have gone to the zoo and had a lovely time without him.

PrettyLittleFlies · 02/07/2021 10:50

I think don't plan any events or outings together. There's a reason why it's called separation. It's no good for any of you. You're all having a difficult time and playing happy families just makes it more stressful. But yes of course he was an arse, bring on the divorce.

Dutch1e · 02/07/2021 10:51

You gave him the best gift of all... a chance to be a complete fuckwit and upset you. I'm delighted it will be the last Flowers

frazzledasarock · 02/07/2021 10:52

I’d have gone without him, and invited friend along instead.

Can’t think why you’re on the brink of divorcing such a gem🙄

TastyTicklemore · 02/07/2021 10:55

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. That's such a rubbish situation to face on top of this.

As soon as you can: get out and live your life in the light; don't stay and rot with someone who does not have your best interests and happiness as a priority.

Amdone123 · 02/07/2021 10:56

So sorry to hear about your mum. As a pp said, just concentrate on her for now.
You sound lovely to me ; strong, kind, thoughtful.
He's an immature prick and once you divorce him, your life will be so much easier.

DeathStare · 02/07/2021 10:59

@newmummylucy

What really gets me in all of this Is he says he wants it to work and he can see us having a future and he doesn't want a divorce, but then he behaves the total opposite!
Then what he wants is for him to continue doing what he is doing and for you to put up with that and make it work. He's showing you that through his actions.
AryaStarkWolf · 02/07/2021 11:02

You're not being unreasonable at all. I see why you're on the verge of divorce

mellicauli · 02/07/2021 11:03

You sound like a genuinely lovely person and you did nothing wrong but the messages you are giving are a bit mixed.

Spending your last money on a treat for your husband who you are about to divorce is a bit confusing.

And annoying though it is, you could have just given him 15 minutes even though you were likely to be a bit late . You could have gone ahead and had a nice day.

The message he gave you of making you believe he wanted to go to the zoo but then not bothering to get ready is equally mixed.

My feeling is that if you don't want to divorce, you need to approach situations with a view to maximum tolerance and minimize conflict, even if it is warranted. You need to get his agreement to try to do the same.

If you do want to divorce, you need to just get on and do it, regardless of what else is happening in your life.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 02/07/2021 11:03

YANBU in the slightest. That was entirely on him. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, so can't say who is the unreasonable one on a regular basis however the zoo incident...yeah, his fault.

friendlycat · 02/07/2021 11:03

Try and move on from it. You've got a lot on your plate at the moment and I'm very sorry about your Mum as that's very hard to deal with.

You tried, it didn't work out, he was being completely stupid but it's done with now. You have bigger issues to worry about going forward.

I wish you well.

BungleandGeorge · 02/07/2021 11:06

Yes I’d have been irritated too, but couldn’t you have just left 15 minutes later? It wouldn’t have made much difference to a zoo trip. I’m not sure your response was proportionate but obviously that’s understandable with the stress you’re under

NotSoLongGoodbye · 02/07/2021 11:07

OP in the kindest possible way, I've found your posts a bit contradictory. You say you are on the verge of divorce but then want your husband to spend the day with you? I really really don't see how this was ever going to work. Certainly, buy zoo tickets for your son and husband but don't go yourself.

I'm afraid that if you are going to get divorced there won't 'memory making times' with the three of you together. Yes, you can be civil to your husband and make things as pleasant as possible for your DS but once you are divorced you will have no relationship with your ex-husband other than around the welfare of your son. If you want to try and make the marriage work both of you have to commit to this / work at it.

Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 11:07

Given you’re on the verge of divorce
Booking this kind of thing without consulting him first - was not being at all sensible.

Wellpark · 02/07/2021 11:07

He's a rude arsehole and he should be lifting you up and supporting you not dragging you down. If he was my son I'd be ashamed of how I'd brought him up!

Maggiesfarm · 02/07/2021 11:07

You were not unreasonable, he was.
Honestly a card and a simple gift from your son would have sufficed. Obviously husband was hungover and maybe he just doesn't fancy something like a zoo visit.

I'm sorry you wasted your money, in your place I would have gone with my son but you were, understandably, too upset.

There's no point crying over spilt milk, op.You made a very generous gesture but it's all over now. Onwards and upwards!

junipertree2 · 02/07/2021 11:08

Sounds like a nasty selfish bastard with a drink problem. Are you broke because he is spending so much on booze? Sorry, scanty info, but this is how addicts behave. He doesn't want to spend time with you or your son. He's number one.

Hope you are happier in your new life OP. And hopefully financially better off.