AIBU? Please be kind

[newmummylucy]

Morning

First up I'd like to ask that you're kind in the comments as I really don't have the emotional capacity for nastiness, I just simply want to know if i am being unreasonable, as this situation has really hurt me.

It was my husbands birthday 3 weeks ago and we are on the verge of divorce. I am very short on money this month and for his present from our son I used the last of my money to buy us all tickets to visit the zoo.

I said to my husband we need to leave by 1pm to make our time slot and I must have said this around 4-5 times. My husband was looking after our son in the monring while I worked and then he put our son down for his nap.

While our son napped instead of getting ready to go for our day out my husband just sat on the sofa for a good 1.5 hours as he was 'tired'. I said to him we need to leave soon can you please get ready etc.

It then came the time we needed to leave and myself and my son were ready to go and my husband hadn't even got in the shower and he refused to leave until he had showered. I said to him he's just sat down while our son napped for 1.5 hours and done nothing and now we need to leave he wants to shower and make us late and my husband said to me I can't even allow him 15 minutes to shower.

That isn't the case at all. We had a time slot to make and I said to him so many times we need to leave at a certain time and he just sat around doing nothing, and then for him to turn around and say he knew this would happen and he wouldn't be able to shower and to turn it back on me as if I'm the bad person.

I got really really upset and ended up taking my son to my friends house and crying all afternoon. I just felt so unappreciated as I had used the last of my money and planned everything out with restaurants etc.

My husband was out drinking all day the day before so he was probably hungover in regards to why he was tired.

Please be kind I'd just like an outsiders view on this.

Thanks.

Lucy.

@OldTinHat

YANBU. He is a prick. If someone got me a present as thoughtful as yours, I'd be over the moon. As you're looking at divorce it may have been the last opportunity to go out as a family.

My exh decided to stay up all night and got no sleep when we were supposed to be going to a zoo with my then 3 month old DS. It was to meet up with his family. I was livid that he'd risk driving 2hrs with a tiny son with no sleep. I left him at home and went with my DS.

I'm so sorry about your relative but when you have the head space run for the hills. You and your lo deserve better treatment.

It is my mum who is dying and only has a matter of months left. This as well as a rocky marriage/on the verge of divorce is a lot for me to handle.

Your mum?? Oh I'm so very, very sorry. You must be in turmoil.

Forget him for now. Concentrate on spending time with your mum and looking after your lo. Anything else can go hang.

so sorry about your Mum OP

So sorry about your mum OP, no surprise you feel emotional at the moment. Take care of yourself

YANBU and I can see why you want to divorce! He sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate prick who puts drinking with his mates over spending time with his DS and making a bit of fucking effort. Personally, I'd have taken DS to the zoo without him if he couldn't get his arse in gear and I'd spent the last of my money on tickets, but that's just me!

YADNBU!! Sounds like he is sulking about not getting a physical gift and this was your emotional 'punishment' :( You should've gone without him x

Ffs - previous posters saying 'oh but what if he never wanted to go to the zoo'

I don't personally like the zoo, or the children's science museum, or the playground, or a bloody wiggles concert. But I lace up my shoes and enjoy it with my children because that's what parents do. They enjoy their children's enjoyment. They do stuff for the sake of the family. And that family time is the pay off- not the activity itself.

She planned a zoo trip so they could have a nice day as a family. He was a complete muppet about it.

Unless he's a strident vegan who opposes the captivity of animals or something, it's hardly a thoughtless gift on OP's part.

OP, being single will be fabulous. Being in a respectful relationship will be fabulous.

I'm so sorry about your Mum. You must feel so overwhelmed. When you're ready, a happier easier life awaits you.

I bet nothing is ever his fault is it? It's always somehow your fault no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do. Do what you need to do to get through this time with your mum and then divorce him. You sound lovely and thoughtful and far too good for him.

And I'm really sorry about your mum.

@Tal45

I bet nothing is ever his fault is it? It's always somehow your fault no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do. Do what you need to do to get through this time with your mum and then divorce him. You sound lovely and thoughtful and far too good for him.

Yep. Nothing is ever his fault no Mayer how big or small!

I think YABU, sorry. It wasn't a gift for him, it was an outing to the zoo. A family outing when his family unit is about to break up. It was his special day, and all he wanted was to shake off his hangover on the sofa! He is probably also a bit depressed. You made it all about you.

Sorry about your mum .

Stop trying to second-guess your STBXH. He doesn't matter to you any more. Stop trying to make memories. That's not the way memories work - as you have found, it's easier to make a really shit memory than a nice one.

Focus on yourself, your mum and your DC. You may eventually reach a point where you can co-parent in a civil fashion, but you can't force it.

@ohthatbloodycat

I think YABU, sorry. It wasn't a gift for him, it was an outing to the zoo. A family outing when his family unit is about to break up. It was his special day, and all he wanted was to shake off his hangover on the sofa! He is probably also a bit depressed. You made it all about you.

FFS! RTFT!!!!!!!

He's a faffer. He sounds like he needs to be told when to start getting ready. Just don't plan to do anything which includes him in future.

your husband just didnt care enough to make the effort to go , he knew he had the day out ,but still went out drinking a lot the day before like an 18 year old instead of a grown up parent . you have said your on the verge of divorce and once you are ready move it from the verge to over the cliff and do it . hes doing you no good at all from the sounds of it

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I wouldn't try and understand his motives etc. It's loud and clear. Focus your energy on your mother then steel yourself for a divorce.

Your partner is selfish pure and simple. You and your DH deserve better

He's a complete prick. Next time just get him a box of Maltesers from your son and leave it at that.

You're not going to be able to create any happy memories with this guy now, OP. Don't put yourself through it in trying to.

This is a deliberate tactic with abusive men.
He knows that it will upset and provoke you.
He delays getting ready and then creates an argument and its your fault -the blame game.
It will always be your fault, never his.
What type of man deliberately ruins a family day out?
Stop doing nice things, he will use it as an excuse to create an argument, blame you.
For all those saying perhaps he didnt want to go.
Then he could have calmly told OP

Lucy I completely understand this situation. Other posters are wrong to suggest it's that he just didn't want to go to the zoo. That would have been fine & he could have said so.

In fact, he deliberately tried to sabotage the day. I have had a lot of experience with this. It's about control.

It seems straightforward to say, why didn't you just do x or y (eg go to the zoo yourself).

In reality, he deliberately acted obstructively , wouldn't have a shower (but wouldn't go without one) and then made it your fault. He also knew it would upset you, and this sadly, was his aim.

I'm so sorry about your mum. For now, do what you can to protect yourself. When you are able, make plans to leave.

I promise you'll be happier. 💐

@DifferentHair

Ffs - previous posters saying 'oh but what if he never wanted to go to the zoo'

I don't personally like the zoo, or the children's science museum, or the playground, or a bloody wiggles concert. But I lace up my shoes and enjoy it with my children because that's what parents do. They enjoy their children's enjoyment. They do stuff for the sake of the family. And that family time is the pay off- not the activity itself.

She planned a zoo trip so they could have a nice day as a family. He was a complete muppet about it.

Unless he's a strident vegan who opposes the captivity of animals or something, it's hardly a thoughtless gift on OP's part.

OP, being single will be fabulous. Being in a respectful relationship will be fabulous.

I'm so sorry about your Mum. You must feel so overwhelmed. When you're ready, a happier easier life awaits you.

i do agree with this so much , my mum hates hot sun and beaches , but every single holiday to cornwall and devon when i was a kid was spent on the beaches mainly , because of course kids love the beach and so did my dad . for 2 weeks my poor mum sat on her beach towel for hours watching me and my dad exploring rock pools and swimming in the sea , she told me years later thats what you do as a parent , make sacrifies for your children and do what they love to do . now as a parent myself i often remind myself of what she told me , how everything we did as a family was fun , how she liked to see me being happy , its a benchmark i keep in mind regarding my dd . which is why its farcial this husband couldnt manage a planned afternoon at a zoo without having a bloody shower first !

The only unreasonable part is that you didn't go to the zoo without him, and the cost of the tickets has been a waste of money.

He turned it around on me and said I ruined the day because I wouldn't let him shower and I got angry

Typical gaslighting behaviour. I'm sorry that you are having such a horrible time. Be kind to yourself and try not to give head space to your unsupportive, selfish and thoughtless "husband"

I* don't personally like the zoo, or the children's science museum, or the playground, or a bloody wiggles concert. But I lace up my shoes and enjoy it with my children because that's what parents do. They enjoy their children's enjoyment. They do stuff for the sake of the family. And that family time is the pay off- not the activity itself.*

Spot on DifficultHair

Mangled 'bolding' on app. I hate when the app does this 😑

A) I would really not want a trip to the zoo as a birthday present.

B) you should never spend the last of your money on gifts no matter who they’re for.

C) this is all irrelevant as the man is an abuser. In all of your threads you’ve been told the same.

You need to see a solicitor and get divorced. You may not be entitled to a thing but you’d be free.

You’ve been married a very short time, you were pregnant very fast, he’s a high earner. To ME it sounds like he love bombed you, trapped you with a baby and now enjoys abusing you.

And I have to say (and there probably is judgement here) that if you don’t trust him after the incident when your child was young then you shouldn’t be with him.

Accidents happen. That doesn’t sound like that’s what this is.

And what do you mean the case was stopped due to covid? I know there have been massive delays but would social services drop a case where they are concerned about a child?

YANBU

I can see why you are divorcing him! He is selfish and unappreciative n and childishly refuses to take responsibility for his own behaviour but blames you instead.

Life can only get better OP!