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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Please be kind

150 replies

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:05

Morning

First up I'd like to ask that you're kind in the comments as I really don't have the emotional capacity for nastiness, I just simply want to know if i am being unreasonable, as this situation has really hurt me.

It was my husbands birthday 3 weeks ago and we are on the verge of divorce. I am very short on money this month and for his present from our son I used the last of my money to buy us all tickets to visit the zoo.

I said to my husband we need to leave by 1pm to make our time slot and I must have said this around 4-5 times. My husband was looking after our son in the monring while I worked and then he put our son down for his nap.

While our son napped instead of getting ready to go for our day out my husband just sat on the sofa for a good 1.5 hours as he was 'tired'. I said to him we need to leave soon can you please get ready etc.

It then came the time we needed to leave and myself and my son were ready to go and my husband hadn't even got in the shower and he refused to leave until he had showered. I said to him he's just sat down while our son napped for 1.5 hours and done nothing and now we need to leave he wants to shower and make us late and my husband said to me I can't even allow him 15 minutes to shower.

That isn't the case at all. We had a time slot to make and I said to him so many times we need to leave at a certain time and he just sat around doing nothing, and then for him to turn around and say he knew this would happen and he wouldn't be able to shower and to turn it back on me as if I'm the bad person.

I got really really upset and ended up taking my son to my friends house and crying all afternoon. I just felt so unappreciated as I had used the last of my money and planned everything out with restaurants etc.

My husband was out drinking all day the day before so he was probably hungover in regards to why he was tired.

Please be kind I'd just like an outsiders view on this.

Thanks.

Lucy.

OP posts:

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 02/07/2021 11:30

YANBU at all. You tried to do something nice, and it was clearly a gift he would normally enjoy, but he shat on it.

Even if he was tired, he could have dragged himself up and showered earlier - he's a grown man, not a baby.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/07/2021 11:30

@newmummylucy

When I took my son away to my parents house to escape the abuse and to care for my mother last time he said he should have called the police and I took his son away from him

So what? Let him call the police (doubt he will) and deal with it then.

Start with making sure you & DS are safe.

Can social services offer advice? You have involvement with them?

Honey12346 · 02/07/2021 11:31

Dump the fucker!!!!!

godmum56 · 02/07/2021 11:33

@FourTeaFallOut

I understand why you don't have the energy to throw your family into chaos by spraying while you are watching someone you love die. I do think that you stick him being a dick about all of this in your list if reasons to strengthen your resolve to dissolve the marriage the very moment you have the emotional energy to call it a day. In the meantime, start putting firmer boundaries about what you expect from him (fuck all) and how much you should care about what he thinks of you (fuck all) and aim for distant but civilised, like you are tolerating a mildly annoying poltergeist about the house.

well yanbu but probably not sensible. Making nice memories is a lovely aspiration but not sure how reasonable it was to expect a happy outcome. I agree that better to aim for the mildly annoying poltergeist thing. I hope you can get out soon.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 02/07/2021 11:36

This reminds me of my exDH. It was our anniversary and I arranged a babysitter so we could go to the cinema. I wanted to see a particular film (main stream, big budget type film everyone had seen) He wanted to pick the film and insisted we see something else. We tossed a coin, I won. He delayed so much that we missed the start, got annoyed because they were out of nacho dip then went in a mood with me for three days because there was a fight scene. He was suddenly offended by this and said I should have warned him.

Howshouldibehave · 02/07/2021 11:37

Don’t plan any more #makingmemories with a man you’ve called the police on-it simply won’t end well.

Your problem isn’t about a trip to the zoo, it’s about separating from your husband and keeping your child safe.

Can you go and stay with your mum?

Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 11:39

Apparently the very serious case against her husband was dropped because of covid.

I call bull shit on that.

A “very serious” (your words) child abuse case is not dropped due to covid

Minezatea · 02/07/2021 11:39

I'm struggling to believe that this was not a passive aggressive attempt to upset you TBH. He was behaving like a petulant child. I expect he does not really want to divorce, or if he does he wants to entirely blame you for the relationship breakdown. The sooner you are out of this relationship the better. YANBU

Patapouf · 02/07/2021 11:42

I think this incident was just symptomatic of a bigger problem with your DH.
I do think you were a bit unreasonable, it was his birthday and you nagged him.

Fcuk38 · 02/07/2021 11:45

Did you know he was going out the night before drinking? As if you did I personally wouldn’t have bothered getting him a day out the next day. I always did the family thing first then he went out the next day with his mates. You should have just gone to the zoo by yourself though if he was acting dicky about it all.

PerpendicularVincent · 02/07/2021 11:46

I've read your previous posts as you suggested and I honestly think that this incident is the least of your worries.

Your son almost died in your husband's care and he's also abusive towards you. For the sake of your son and yourself, I would leave - are you able to stay with your mum?

EarringsandLipstick · 02/07/2021 11:46

I do think you were a bit unreasonable, it was his birthday and you nagged him.

You either haven't bothered to RTFT or at least OP's posts, or aren't very bright 🧐

It wasn't his birthday. It was another day and this was a gift from his DS. (Which following OP's updates sounds a bit batshit but still..)

She didn't nag him unless assuming a grown man can get himself ready for a known arrangement that was booked counts as 'nagging' 🙄

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 11:53

Right I'm going to leave this thread here. Thankyou everyone.

And to everyone asking me wtf I am doing and why am I still here? I don't know. With my mother being about to die and my marriage breaking down I am struggling. When I find the strength to leave I will, and believe me I will not be looking back.

OP posts:

Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 11:56

Please stop leaving your husband alone with your son.
At least do that

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 11:57

@Scaredycat87

Please stop leaving your husband alone with your son. At least do that

@Scaredycat87 Since that incident, I don't ever leave my husband alone with my son.

OP posts:

Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 12:03

Or even alone with him.
Ever

EarringsandLipstick · 02/07/2021 12:07

With my mother being about to die and my marriage breaking down I am struggling.

It must be terrible. I'm so sorry.

But your son is at risk from his father. The situation was serious enough to warrant a court case & SS involvement. (I can't understand how the case was dropped).

Even if you don't leave your DS alone with his father, there's a risk.

For me, your mother's illness would be a catalyst. Leave & take your son with you, to be with your DM.

I am not minimising how hard this is but feel very concerned for your child.

chaosrabbitland · 02/07/2021 12:13

@newmummylucy

Right I'm going to leave this thread here. Thankyou everyone.

you are still there because you havent got the strength to leave , but you have said yourself you will . the time will come lucy . my thoughts and blessings are with you , iv been through it myself , you and your son will be ok and get to where you need to be

frazzledasarock · 02/07/2021 12:24

I know OP you said you were leaving the thread.

However, please contact women's aid and social services.

Get every single authority you can on side and escape from your H with their help.

If you have social services on side and they have reports about your H being unsafe for your son, it builds a better case for you to be able to protect your son and courts will listen if your H goes for un-supervised contact with your son, CAFCASS will see the social services reports and be on your side.
Which is very very important in safeguarding your son in the future should your H go for contact through the courts.

frazzledasarock · 02/07/2021 12:27

When you leave, get a non-mol and a prohibited steps order against you can safely keep your son with you. My solicitor filed my PSO with the local police the passport agency so ex could not remove my children form my care without my permission and if he tried he would get arrested.

This is very important.

PhilSwagielka · 02/07/2021 12:28

Does he always do this sort of thing? I'm reminded of the husband in The Way Up to Heaven by Roald Dahl who made a huge point of taking forever to do anything, in no small part because he knew his wife hated being late and it was a way of exerting his power over her. I don't see why he could have taken a shower, it's not THAT tiring. It just smacks of control freakery.

Notebooksarefabulous · 02/07/2021 12:45

Totally unreasonable of him.
My question (sorry if this has already been answered) - why go out to a restaurant, toddler free date.......... if you are getting divorced?

Given his relutance to get ready Id have gone to the zoo without him tbh.

JanuaryJonez · 02/07/2021 12:49

I'm so sorry OP that you've got to the stage where you actually think he's right.

Of course he's in the wrong - one day this will all seem like a bad dream and he will be a distant memory hopefully

Dbank · 02/07/2021 12:55

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Reading between the lines (dangerous) I don't think DH was really that interested in going to the zoo, or spending time together as a family.

Divorce is rarely fun, but it does give everyone a chance to move on. I hope one day he looks back and wishes he could go to the zoo as a family.

All the best for the future.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2021 13:16

YANBU and he is an arsehole who you will be well shot of.

But, and I mean this kindly, I think you are missing the big picture here, which is that you are over-sentimentalising something which you probably shouldn't have been doing in the first place, and getting far too wrapped up in the politics of your marriage.

Seeking to "make memories" with someone you are about to separate from sounds like a pretty unhealthy approach: it sounds as if you are either making some last throw of the dice to keep him or as if you are acting out guilt about the impact on your son of divorce. I may have got these wrong, but whatever your motive was, you're looking at it the wrong way. If you're moving on with your life you should be detaching from this guy as far as possible, rather than creating further scenarios which are going to be an emotional trigger for one or both of you.

It was fairly predictable, knowing what he's like and what the dynamic is between you, that would feel resentful of you wanting you all to go to the zoo as a family in the current circumstances it must have felt very fake and forced. In that scenario I would likely have felt quite grumpy too. Not to say he wasn't being a twat, but I think you were being unrealistic and a little controlling - planning it.

I think you need to take a bit of a step back, disengage yourself from this dynamic and focus on what you and your children need to move forwards. Stop expecting him to step up because he won't and stop yourself getting disappointed.

Focus your energies on your life post divorce, rather than replaying the toxic dynamic of your marriage. You know you need to leave, stop beating yourself -- and him - up about it.

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