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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Please be kind

150 replies

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:05

Morning

First up I'd like to ask that you're kind in the comments as I really don't have the emotional capacity for nastiness, I just simply want to know if i am being unreasonable, as this situation has really hurt me.

It was my husbands birthday 3 weeks ago and we are on the verge of divorce. I am very short on money this month and for his present from our son I used the last of my money to buy us all tickets to visit the zoo.

I said to my husband we need to leave by 1pm to make our time slot and I must have said this around 4-5 times. My husband was looking after our son in the monring while I worked and then he put our son down for his nap.

While our son napped instead of getting ready to go for our day out my husband just sat on the sofa for a good 1.5 hours as he was 'tired'. I said to him we need to leave soon can you please get ready etc.

It then came the time we needed to leave and myself and my son were ready to go and my husband hadn't even got in the shower and he refused to leave until he had showered. I said to him he's just sat down while our son napped for 1.5 hours and done nothing and now we need to leave he wants to shower and make us late and my husband said to me I can't even allow him 15 minutes to shower.

That isn't the case at all. We had a time slot to make and I said to him so many times we need to leave at a certain time and he just sat around doing nothing, and then for him to turn around and say he knew this would happen and he wouldn't be able to shower and to turn it back on me as if I'm the bad person.

I got really really upset and ended up taking my son to my friends house and crying all afternoon. I just felt so unappreciated as I had used the last of my money and planned everything out with restaurants etc.

My husband was out drinking all day the day before so he was probably hungover in regards to why he was tired.

Please be kind I'd just like an outsiders view on this.

Thanks.

Lucy.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 02/07/2021 11:09

So, did your son not get to go to the zoo at all? I hope you can reuse the tickets?

NowEvenBetter · 02/07/2021 11:09

Um..in a previous thread you said your abusive husband almost killed your baby, police and social services involved. That’s quite enough memories made, ffs. Can the kid live elsewhere, where he’ll be safe? The bloody zoo is really the least of the issues.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/07/2021 11:10

Try to put it behind you.

If you both know the plan is to divorce and you are in limbo at the moment there is no value in trying to instigate or play happy families when one or both don't want it.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 11:10

@Howshouldibehave

So, did your son not get to go to the zoo at all? I hope you can reuse the tickets?
Yes we reused the tickets and I took my son on a different day.
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2021 11:11

Lucy, your husband is being an arsehole. And I’m so sorry about your mum.

Next time, go to the zoo without him. Stop trying so hard to please someone who doesn’t seem to care about returning the favour.

Howshouldibehave · 02/07/2021 11:11

@NowEvenBetter

Um..in a previous thread you said your abusive husband almost killed your baby, police and social services involved. That’s quite enough memories made, ffs. Can the kid live elsewhere, where he’ll be safe? The bloody zoo is really the least of the issues.
OMG, really?!
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2021 11:11

@NowEvenBetter

Um..in a previous thread you said your abusive husband almost killed your baby, police and social services involved. That’s quite enough memories made, ffs. Can the kid live elsewhere, where he’ll be safe? The bloody zoo is really the least of the issues.
I hope this isn’t true. Sad
Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 11:13

@NowEvenBetter

Um..in a previous thread you said your abusive husband almost killed your baby, police and social services involved. That’s quite enough memories made, ffs. Can the kid live elsewhere, where he’ll be safe? The bloody zoo is really the least of the issues.
Good Lord

Op quite simply you are failing your son.
Stop failing him.
Not too late.
The entire set up, including you tbh sounds far far from ideal for your poor son

Original poster
newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 11:14

How am I not ideal for my son?

OP posts:
Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 11:14

This happened three weeks ago and you are still stewing about it and presumably gone life horribly tense

Ffs

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/07/2021 11:15

I agree with all the posters above who've said that this was deliberate sabotage from someone who wanted all the control AND a chance to make you the Bad Guy.

Been there, done that and I can say from bitter experience that trying to do nice things together in a dying relationship is never a good idea. I know you want to make things better but honestly, just leave him to it until you can leave him for good.

Pinot4evs · 02/07/2021 11:15

@NotSoLongGoodbye

OP in the kindest possible way, I've found your posts a bit contradictory. You say you are on the verge of divorce but then want your husband to spend the day with you? I really really don't see how this was ever going to work. Certainly, buy zoo tickets for your son and husband but don't go yourself.

I'm afraid that if you are going to get divorced there won't 'memory making times' with the three of you together. Yes, you can be civil to your husband and make things as pleasant as possible for your DS but once you are divorced you will have no relationship with your ex-husband other than around the welfare of your son. If you want to try and make the marriage work both of you have to commit to this / work at it.

I agree with this, you sound quite muddled as to what you want, which is hardly surprising given what you’re going through with your mum.
Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 11:15

@newmummylucy

How am I not ideal for my son?
Excuse me?

You are his protector and yet you remain with a someone who almost killed your son

Howshouldibehave · 02/07/2021 11:16

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/4274502-dividing-home

Sorry, OP-I wanted to see what the previous poster meant. It sounds like he’s been abusing you since you were pregnant but you’re still there?

Seriously, a birthday family trip to the zoo with a man you have court cases against and want to get 50% of the house from was never going to end well.

Get out now. Ring women’s refuge?

Original poster
newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 11:17

You don't know the situation to be commenting on it. It is also irrelevant to this thread!

I protect my son very well Thankyou. You don't know the full story. For obvious reasons I don't share the entirety of my life on Mumsnet so you don't get the full picture.

OP posts:
Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 11:18

I’ll bow out

Your poor child. I hope your family remain on social services radar

LunaLula83 · 02/07/2021 11:19

Aw hun you should have gone without him. Stuff him. Make your own beautiful family memories with you and your son x

Original poster
newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 11:19

@Scaredycat87

I’ll bow out

Your poor child. I hope your family remain on social services radar

Thanks 🙂
OP posts:
Pinot4evs · 02/07/2021 11:20

You don't know the situation to be commenting on it. It is also irrelevant to this thread!

Well that’s not true is it, why would you want to make memories with a man who claim is a violent child abuser? Put your son first for once.

chaosrabbitland · 02/07/2021 11:24

@NowEvenBetter

Um..in a previous thread you said your abusive husband almost killed your baby, police and social services involved. That’s quite enough memories made, ffs. Can the kid live elsewhere, where he’ll be safe? The bloody zoo is really the least of the issues.
iv just read her previous post and shes scared , its hard for her , shes probably worried about how her husband is going to blow up at her and start threatening this and demanding that if she tells him she wants a divorce , hes more or less stated how much access he wants re their son , shes used to being bullied it seems and of course its easy for her to crumble at the thought of the hostility womens aid and giving social services a call are the best options i think to start with . the fact he was arrested and they were involved will go heavily in her favour regarding his contact with son , and her mother is dying as well shes got that on her plate to cope with , some people are fragile and can only take so much , thats why shes asked us to be kind
Original poster
newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 11:26

Thankyou for summing it up so well @chaosrabbitland

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 02/07/2021 11:26

I understand why you don't have the energy to throw your family into chaos by spraying while you are watching someone you love die. I do think that you stick him being a dick about all of this in your list if reasons to strengthen your resolve to dissolve the marriage the very moment you have the emotional energy to call it a day. In the meantime, start putting firmer boundaries about what you expect from him (fuck all) and how much you should care about what he thinks of you (fuck all) and aim for distant but civilised, like you are tolerating a mildly annoying poltergeist about the house.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 11:27

When I took my son away to my parents house to escape the abuse and to care for my mother last time he said he should have called the police and I took his son away from him

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 02/07/2021 11:27

Spraying = separating

EarringsandLipstick · 02/07/2021 11:29

I fully get not making (or being able to make) key decisions when dealing with your mum's terminal illness.
However, I do feel massively concerned that there was an incident where your DS could have died (your words) that's somehow been dropped by the courts, and yet you are still there & interacting with him.

I was in an abusive marriage and I stayed too long. But if there was a physical threat to my DC I would have been gone. In fact, the emotional damage that was occurring & affecting them is what prompted me to separate ultimately.