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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Please be kind

150 replies

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:05

Morning

First up I'd like to ask that you're kind in the comments as I really don't have the emotional capacity for nastiness, I just simply want to know if i am being unreasonable, as this situation has really hurt me.

It was my husbands birthday 3 weeks ago and we are on the verge of divorce. I am very short on money this month and for his present from our son I used the last of my money to buy us all tickets to visit the zoo.

I said to my husband we need to leave by 1pm to make our time slot and I must have said this around 4-5 times. My husband was looking after our son in the monring while I worked and then he put our son down for his nap.

While our son napped instead of getting ready to go for our day out my husband just sat on the sofa for a good 1.5 hours as he was 'tired'. I said to him we need to leave soon can you please get ready etc.

It then came the time we needed to leave and myself and my son were ready to go and my husband hadn't even got in the shower and he refused to leave until he had showered. I said to him he's just sat down while our son napped for 1.5 hours and done nothing and now we need to leave he wants to shower and make us late and my husband said to me I can't even allow him 15 minutes to shower.

That isn't the case at all. We had a time slot to make and I said to him so many times we need to leave at a certain time and he just sat around doing nothing, and then for him to turn around and say he knew this would happen and he wouldn't be able to shower and to turn it back on me as if I'm the bad person.

I got really really upset and ended up taking my son to my friends house and crying all afternoon. I just felt so unappreciated as I had used the last of my money and planned everything out with restaurants etc.

My husband was out drinking all day the day before so he was probably hungover in regards to why he was tired.

Please be kind I'd just like an outsiders view on this.

Thanks.

Lucy.

OP posts:

moovinon · 02/07/2021 09:26

What an absolute prick.

I'm upset for you!

I haven't really got anything productive to say, but what a total nob.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/07/2021 09:27

It sounds like he behaved really badly. I would definitely be divorcing him in your shoes.

I think you should have just gone with your son when he was not ready though. Don’t let him ruin your day!

My exh was a lot like this, and tbh I can only now see how it’s sensible not to give them the power to ruin your day. If he didn’t feel like something on the day, he’d just drag his feet and not get ready for it.

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:28

@namechange30455

Why did you book a family day out with a bloke you know you want to divorce?

I'm not being flippant, but can you really articulate why? I can't imagine buying my DP that kind of present when we'd basically already split up?

To try and do something nice for us as a family to try and make things work. It was only something for a few hours in an afternoon and he said he was looking forward to it with our son. Even if we did divorce I would like to try and co parent with him nicely for the sake of our son

OP posts:

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:29

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It sounds like he behaved really badly. I would definitely be divorcing him in your shoes.

I think you should have just gone with your son when he was not ready though. Don’t let him ruin your day!

He turned it around on me and said I ruined the day because I wouldn't let him shower and I got angry

OP posts:

Neondisco · 02/07/2021 09:33

I feel trying to get something sweet and thoughtful from your son for them to do together was a nice gesture in a divorce or pre divorce relationship.

Obviously if you're divorcing or considering it then there's other stuff going on. Is this type of avoidant and selfish behaviour common from him?

Palavah · 02/07/2021 09:34

Co parenting doesn't necessarily mean you'll do lots of outings together as a 3. In fact I'd consider that unusual.

He didn't behave especially well but I agree that he probably didn't really want to do a family afternoon out at the zoo for his birthday present (irrelevant which day it was on).

Focus on what's right for you and your son now.

AlternativePerspective · 02/07/2021 09:38

OP, you said you wanted to ma,e a memory of you all together. Is it possible that you are projecting your sadness over the fact this marriage is not working on to the situation because if you can make a memory as a family then that is potentially something you can all look back on? I’m not wording it well, but essentially you want to feel like the family you’re not, iyswim?

Separating from someone you planned to spend the rest of your life with is hard, even if it’s what you want. And sometimes we do look back at how things were, and we hope back to how things could have been, and it strikes me this trip was something you wanted because it would show that you are a family after all.

I’m sorry that the trip was ruined for you. Look at this as a realisation that this is never going to be the situation you want it to be, and when you’re feeling strong enough, then crack on with the divorce.

It’s still possible to co parent without having to do things as a family, but things are going to change going forward, and what’s important now is how you rebuild your own life together with your DS. His relationship with his DS is one he has to be responsible for going forward.

FlowerArranger · 02/07/2021 09:38

@newmummylucy.... I can see your point and why you are upset, but why on earth did you not go to the zoo without him? How did your son feel about you crying all afternoon instead of the promised visit to the zoo? I feel that, in this particular type of situation, you really need to focus on your child''s needs rather than your own.

DifferentHair · 02/07/2021 09:39

you're going to love being single OP.

giletrouge · 02/07/2021 09:40

You poor love you sound at the end of your tether!
He's a pain in the arse. I think you should really stop thinking that you're going to get any cooperation from him on anything. It's just causing you pain. I'm sorry but this is what divorce is like; he does not want to make anything easy for you or nice. The sooner you accept this and look after yourself the better for your mental and emotional health. You've got enough going on. Honestly I'd be doing nothing for him at this stage. You'll find it a relief.
I may have missed this, but are you still living together? (Apologies if I missed it.)

RosieTheHat · 02/07/2021 09:43

I am finding it hard to relate to a lot of the responses on here. A lot of stealth victim blaming going on. OP is having a hard enough time!

OP planned a nice day out with the family (divorce in the pipeline or not) and her selfish, ignorant husband acted like a spoiled brat instead of just coming out and saying he didn't want to go. Hangover or not, if he didn't want to go - just say so FFS.

Lucy - he was being a dick and no YANBU

Bottleup · 02/07/2021 09:44

Without wishing to sound harsh, one way of looking at this is that his birthday presents were an afternoon at the zoo with you and and meal out with you. Both nice things for you but not necessarily what he wanted, especially if you aren't getting on. Something for him might have been a better bet.

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:45

@Bottleup

I'm not entirely sure how you can tell me a nice meal at HIS favourite restaurant and at his request was for me and not him.

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 02/07/2021 09:48

Yanbu op.🌈

Gladiolys · 02/07/2021 09:48

He’s an ungrateful prick, OP. You were trying to do something really nice and he was a lazy, inconsiderate arsehole about it.

I think you will find once you are divorced that your life is much happier without a sulky twat ruining things all the time. I wish you all the best for the future.

Howshouldibehave · 02/07/2021 09:48

I think you tried to do a nice thing, but ‘making memories’ with a man you are on the verge of divorcing was probably not going to end well.

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2021 09:53

I don’t think you should waste any more of your money on a man you’re going to divorce trying to make any kind of memory

Take the steps you need so you can divorce him

LopsidedWombat · 02/07/2021 09:54

Sorry you have so much on your plate, even under less difficult circumstances I would find his behaviour unreasonable. As you say, it wasn't on his actual birthday, he had previously been excited about it and it was just the afternoon not a full day. It wasn't like you sprung it on him from nowhere. He should have made the effort for your son's sake but obviously drank too much in spite of being fully aware of the zoo plans the following day. He had plenty of time to get himself ready and I am sure he is well aware of that fact in spite of trying to blame you!

If you're on the verge of divorce there is obviously a lot of back story and he may or may not have form for this sort of thing but either way you are not being unreasonable at all imo, you tried to do a nice thing and he spoilt it by being thoughtless and unorganised which is infuriating at the best of times but must have felt like being kicked while down what with the other stuff you have going on.

Rockitrosie · 02/07/2021 09:54

Your “d”h is a selfish prick. Ignore all the other victim-blaming responses.

He had ample time to get ready but couldn’t be arsed because he was hungover. It sounds like he isn’t that bothered about making you happy but instead does whatever the hell he pleases and then gaslights you to make it your fault. Having a shower just before you’re about to go out is unreasonable behaviour. My own dh often does this, waits until the absolute last minute to get ready while the rest of us hang around waiting, often making us late. It causes huge rows sometimes. But because he is great in other ways I let it go (after going mad about it).
It’s up to you to decide whether the good outweighs the bad. In my case his good points far outweigh the annoying ones!

RedRocketGirl · 02/07/2021 09:56

@newmummylucy YANBU your idea was really thoughtful. Your husband is an utter arse and he's clearly shown you what his priorities are.

kissmelittleass · 02/07/2021 09:56

You were right he was being an awkward prick

ChainJane · 02/07/2021 09:57

I get the impression he would have caused a problem whatever gift you got him or trip out you'd booked. I guess he's on the same page as you that the relationship is drawing to a close? He's probably looking for opportunities to be difficult.

You're better off without him I think.

Original poster

newmummylucy · 02/07/2021 09:59

What really gets me in all of this Is he says he wants it to work and he can see us having a future and he doesn't want a divorce, but then he behaves the total opposite!

OP posts:

OldTinHat · 02/07/2021 10:01

YANBU. He is a prick. If someone got me a present as thoughtful as yours, I'd be over the moon. As you're looking at divorce it may have been the last opportunity to go out as a family.

My exh decided to stay up all night and got no sleep when we were supposed to be going to a zoo with my then 3 month old DS. It was to meet up with his family. I was livid that he'd risk driving 2hrs with a tiny son with no sleep. I left him at home and went with my DS.

I'm so sorry about your relative but when you have the head space run for the hills. You and your lo deserve better treatment.

vivainsomnia · 02/07/2021 10:03

It depends on the situation. 15mns to shower could have meant missing out on 10mns of the hours slot, if indeed, you couldn't make it on time by rushing a bit more.

It sounds like he had a hangover and therefore a bit slow. It's frustrating that he indeed couldn't get ready before, but missing out on 15 minutes of the whole afternoon is not the end of the world and maybe didn't justify how upset and annoyed you got?

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