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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect free childcare from friend

130 replies

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 06:52

Since I had my baby last year my very good friend hasn’t really shown much of an interest. She met the baby and gave a little gift but hasn’t offered any help or support. That’s fair enough, it was my choice to have a baby and I don’t want to burden others.

However, last night I met up with her and found that she has been going above and beyond to support another friend who had a baby in recent months… cleaning their house, cooking them meals, babysitting. The one time she visited my baby, I prepared us lunch, she didn’t offer to bring anything. They have made her an unofficial godmother to the baby so I expect this is a factor, but there is another friend that she also seems to help out a lot more.

This past year has been very difficult as I live abroad away from my family and have had zero support except from DH who is working. Because of covid restrictions my family haven’t been able to visit. I’ve felt very lonely and really could’ve done with my friend around, not necessarily to look after my baby, but to just be there for me.

I am asking all sorts of questions, like maybe she doesn’t like my baby? He’s not the sweet, serene babe in arms type… more like a dynamic pocket rocket. So funny but rather intense with his emotions !

Perhaps it’s also about asking for help. I told her I was having a hard time but never outright asked her to come help me as that’s not my way.

Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/07/2021 06:53

I find it utterly bizarre you’d expect a friend to look after your baby or your house, you had a baby you’re not dying. Not sure why she’s doing it for your other friends either- v strange.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 02/07/2021 06:54

You are being extremely unreasonable.

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 02/07/2021 06:54

If you need help around the house or with your child, you need to pay for professional help. A nanny, cleaner, mothers help etc

Friends aren’t there for free childcare. Nor do they have to make your dinner.

PurpleyBlue · 02/07/2021 06:56

You are being incredibly unreasonable. Maybe she doesn't like you as much as the others.

Nonmaquillee · 02/07/2021 06:58

Eh?! You can’t EXPECT childcare from anyone in this world apart from your child’s partner. Nobody owes you anything.

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:01

@Wewillbebuyingnumber11 I do agree with you, and would never ask my friend to clean my house or make me dinner. But a supportive visit from time to time would be nice.

I’m just a bit miffed at the disproportionate response from her.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 02/07/2021 07:01

YABU
Are you really saying that if she helps one friend with a new baby she has to do the same for all her friends?
By that rule if I give one colleague a lift to work, I should drive them all to work. Madness.
There maybe many reasons why she helps the other friends but these are none of your business. Shes not obliged to help any of you. And blaming your baby is just weird.

Is there a drip-feed coming that this isn't a friend but your DM/MIL, and that her "other friends" are actually your sisters/SILs?

User112 · 02/07/2021 07:02

If you want company, invite her over for tea/coffee? Expect only company though.

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:02

Maybe so, although we do get on very well. She was my bridesmaid and I have recently supported her through a very difficult break up.

OP posts:
LoveMyBlanket · 02/07/2021 07:02

The title of your thread is exceptionally unreasonable. If you truly think you are entitled to “expect free childcare” from your friend then that’s fairly contemptible.

However, I don’t think you are unreasonable for feeling a bit slighted that the friend seems to be so much more caring and helpful and interested in the other friend than you - there does seem to be a stark difference. Is she just better friends with the other person? Known her much longer/closer bond etc? Do you have the kind of relationship where you would help eachother out/have deep supportive conversations before having a baby?

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:03

@Nonmaquillee Maybe so, although we do get on very well. She was my bridesmaid and I have recently supported her through a very difficult break up.

OP posts:
CupOfTPlease · 02/07/2021 07:03

You're being incredibly entitled.
She doesn't owe you anything. You can't also expect free childcare from your friends...

Is she that close to you or just a friend that isn't that close?

She sounds closer to the others especially being given the unofficial title of godmother to one of the other children. You also found this out from her. So I assume they're not your friends that's why you didn't find out from them.

I have a suspicion you're not that close as she is to others but because you found out she helped with other close friends baby you atomically assume she owes you something.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 02/07/2021 07:04

That's really not something friends would do as a matter of course. If I knew a friend was struggling I would try an support her but it wouldn't occur to me to take her baby or do heavy duty housework. I might sort the dishes or make her a cup of tea or something, peg out her washing but it sounds like you expect more and need to pay for a professional cleaner or a nanny if you do.

hawkehurstgang · 02/07/2021 07:04

YABU to expect free childcare from a friend, yes.

OverByYer · 02/07/2021 07:05

Yabu to expect free childcare.
YANBU to feel sleighted but maybe the other friend with a baby isn’t coping as well as you are?

CupOfTPlease · 02/07/2021 07:05

Automatically*

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:06

@LoveMyBlanket Yes admit title was really to draw attention. I don’t expect free childcare from her, but the other friends do!

The main difference is that these other friends are pushy. They outright asked her to do all these tasks for them, using the godmother card as leverage. I have spoken to her about it before as they seem to exploit her good nature. They just got married and had my friend rushed off her feet helping out with catering.

OP posts:
riotlady · 02/07/2021 07:06

Sounds like there might be something going on with the other friend you’re not privy to? But no I don’t think it’s really fair of you to be annoyed- she’s visited and brought a present which is perfectly normal for friends!

My best friend and I do a lot for each other but she didn’t clean my house after I’d had a baby and I wouldn’t expect her to!

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 02/07/2021 07:07

But she does not owe you anything?

She does not have to dus out help fairly between friends? That is not how life works

I have Babysat a lot for some friends and not for others, I had my reasons. Your friend will have her reasons too.

Just enjoy her company and stop mentally totting up what she “owes” you

Sorry you are having a hard time, and it sounds tough, I had a baby abroad alone and it was hard. But your friend does not owe you childcare (or presents)

KaptainKaveman · 02/07/2021 07:07

Pay for the help.

colincarrot · 02/07/2021 07:07

I wonder what your friends thread title would be?

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 02/07/2021 07:09

[quote hungryunicorn]@LoveMyBlanket Yes admit title was really to draw attention. I don’t expect free childcare from her, but the other friends do!

The main difference is that these other friends are pushy. They outright asked her to do all these tasks for them, using the godmother card as leverage. I have spoken to her about it before as they seem to exploit her good nature. They just got married and had my friend rushed off her feet helping out with catering.[/quote]
This sounds like her other friends are basically blackmailing/bullying her into acting as their dogsbody. I wouldn’t be upset that she’s not doing the same for you, I’d be glad I wasn’t the kind of person to take advantage of a ‘friend’.

kezziethegingercat · 02/07/2021 07:10

If she's been through a difficult breakup she's probably not in the right state of mind to be looking after someone's baby nor should she be expected to. Maybe just arrange a few more get togethers so she can get to know your baby. Maybe the other mums she is helping asked her or are not coping as well as she thinks you are?

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:11

@CupOfTPlease They’re not mutual friends, they’re her work friends.

She’s my close friend: she was my bridesmaid.

OP posts:
Stormyequine · 02/07/2021 07:12

If the other friends are pushy then there is your answer. The issue is with them, although your friend is daft to pander to them. If you need support from her it sounds like you need to ask.

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