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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect free childcare from friend

130 replies

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 06:52

Since I had my baby last year my very good friend hasn’t really shown much of an interest. She met the baby and gave a little gift but hasn’t offered any help or support. That’s fair enough, it was my choice to have a baby and I don’t want to burden others.

However, last night I met up with her and found that she has been going above and beyond to support another friend who had a baby in recent months… cleaning their house, cooking them meals, babysitting. The one time she visited my baby, I prepared us lunch, she didn’t offer to bring anything. They have made her an unofficial godmother to the baby so I expect this is a factor, but there is another friend that she also seems to help out a lot more.

This past year has been very difficult as I live abroad away from my family and have had zero support except from DH who is working. Because of covid restrictions my family haven’t been able to visit. I’ve felt very lonely and really could’ve done with my friend around, not necessarily to look after my baby, but to just be there for me.

I am asking all sorts of questions, like maybe she doesn’t like my baby? He’s not the sweet, serene babe in arms type… more like a dynamic pocket rocket. So funny but rather intense with his emotions !

Perhaps it’s also about asking for help. I told her I was having a hard time but never outright asked her to come help me as that’s not my way.

Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 08:09

@NoProbLlamaa

YABU but I do understand.

I had my baby around the same time as another friend of my BF. My BF travelled to her every single week, to cook, clean, help and generally be company to the other mother.

Being a new mum can be lonely, I felt incredibly alone and let down by her (still do), we aren’t such good friends these days.

@NoProbLlamaa So sorry you had a hard time. Did you ever speak to her about the situation ?
OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 02/07/2021 08:09

Could you just say hey you don't seem as interested in me and my baby as your other mates, have we done something wrong?

butterpuffed · 02/07/2021 08:14

What's with the nasty pile on here.

Maybe OP didn't express herself very well when she started the thread ~ it's obvious she's a bit lonely , away from her family and could do with some company, preferably her friend .

OP, tell her you're feeling isolated and would love to see her for a catchup and a chat Flowers

Northernparent68 · 02/07/2021 08:16

It sounds like your friend is being exploited by her work friends, be glad you’re not as bad as them.

Sally872 · 02/07/2021 08:17

Maybe the other mum has been saying she is struggling so now friend wants to help?

You have openly discussed that they are taking advantage so she may expect you don't want help.

Lastly does she say "how are you?" That's your in for emotional support if you need it. Flowers

Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 08:18

@Whatafustercluck

Going by the title of your post yabu. However, reading the actual content of your post I'm going to go against the grain a bit. I think support from friends when you're a new mum is really important. I don't necessarily mean childcare or cleaning or whatever, but definitely being there, listening, offering advice, generally being 'present' to support someone who might be finding it hard, for whatever reason. A good (work) friend of mine, who I haven't seen since the beginning of the pandemic (she lives 80 miles from me) sent me some chocolates yesterday for no other reason than to say 'I'm thinking about you because you've been having a bit of a tough time'. Her kindness meant the world to me and I'd like to think I'd do the same for others.

Does your friend check in on you op? See how you're doing? Listen and offer advice? Those are the things I think you should focus on. But yanbu to expect more from a friend who is close enough to have been your bridesmaid. Maybe she's just not as good a friend as you think. Or maybe you just need to be honest with her about how you're feeling.

@Whatafustercluck Yes I agree, someone earlier said that new mums don’t need help. Of course they do, your world is all topsy turvy, it’s a shock to the system! Small kindnesses mean the world.

I can understand single friends not checking in so much as when you don’t have a child you’re oblivious (I know I was when the first of my friends had a baby- I have since apologised for not being there as I should)

Some are saying I shouldn’t expect my friend to do the same for me as she is for others. I don’t, but I do expect a little support and don’t think that’s unreasonable in a friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 08:21

@Emmacb82 @butterpuffed
Yes I am regretting that title now, getting a bit of hate!

OP posts:
Frownette · 02/07/2021 08:22

But where is your partner in all this?

HoppingPavlova · 02/07/2021 08:24

What’s the other baby like? It could be a bit like people who have kids and some are fine whereas the others are nightmares but their parents see them as ‘spirited’, ‘self-confident’, ‘a born entertainer/leader’, ‘strong and sassy’. In short people are generally happy to visit friends where the kids are the former but would rather stick forks in their head than visit friends where their kids are the latter.

Livelovebehappy · 02/07/2021 08:25

Self entitled expectations for childcare from grandparents, are now extending to friends it seems.

Creamcustards · 02/07/2021 08:29

But there’s been a pandemic? Have you had rules about who you can visit, where you live? Maybe she had to choose one friend?

Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 08:29

@Frownette DH is working full-time but very supportive. However I’m alone all day every day with no family nearby and no access to baby groups.

OP posts:
Talk2thehand · 02/07/2021 08:29

I get it, but think of it this way... How much energy is being wasted being upset over the lack of support from your friend? There was one point recently where I was more upset about the lack of support from my friend's than the actual miscarriages themselves. Until I realised that they aren't mind-readers and they also can't support me all the time. AND that they are thinking of me even if they don't call every week. Your options are 1) have a non confrontational chat with her and tell her you're not coping but don't mention her lack of support. 2) work yourself up about this and stress yourself out further. 3) focus on finding other friendships with other new mums that give you more value right now. 4) confront her and risk damaging the friendship and being even more upset than you are now

But you have to accept that she may never help you as much as her other friends, BUT that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Good luck xx

JudgeJ · 02/07/2021 08:31

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

If you need help around the house or with your child, you need to pay for professional help. A nanny, cleaner, mothers help etc

Friends aren’t there for free childcare. Nor do they have to make your dinner.

For goodness sake, one baby and she wants lots of help! They're not such hard work, only if you make it so!
Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 08:31

@HoppingPavlova I can’t speak for the other baby as I haven’t met her. She’s younger than my ‘spirited sassy’ baby Wink

OP posts:
CastawayQueen · 02/07/2021 08:31

Title aside the main issue here is that your ‘close friend’ (who was your bridesmaid ) prioritises work friends more.
I’d be having a chat with her about where you stand in the friendships stakes. She might feel obliged because there might be repercussions for not helping work friends. Or as you said they are pushy and if you asked directly she wouldn’t say no.

*but then again I’m very blunt and call people out, If I don’t like their answer I drop them as friends. People are unreliable anand fickle minded anyway

SpnBaby1967 · 02/07/2021 08:32

Parenting is hard, especially in those early years. But I'm afraid you cant expect help from anyone other than your husband/partner. That's not how parenting works.

I can understand your feelings towards the disparity of what she does to one friend but not you, but that's her choice and it's perfectly fine for her to choose that.

If you're struggling speak to your husband, maybe you could get a babysitter for a bit.

Maggiesfarm · 02/07/2021 08:34

I wouldn't say you were unreasonable but it is possible her other friend, whom she helped, was in more need than you, or appeared to be. You may come across as being OK, organised, etc. It doesn't mean she has less regard for you.

Move on, op. I'm sorry you were hurt but unfortunately that is life. Hurts are not alway intentional.

NHSisFailingMe · 02/07/2021 08:34

I think most responses are influenced by title thread.

I suspect she feels you are coping. If your communication her is as confusing as your thread title she probably has no idea. Don't compare yourself and the other woman either. All relationships are unique.

I hope you rediscover your relationship with her

Chickychickydodah · 02/07/2021 08:36

Sorry but it sounds like she’s not your close friend

lazylump72 · 02/07/2021 08:37

Your friend is under no obligation to do anything for you or anyone else, I would draw from what you write that she has a much closer relationship with others than she has with you and that is ok too. I would suggest this has nothing to do with any babies at all,

Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 08:43

Some of you have mentioned how friendships can have a different dynamic depending on those involved.

I am beginning to realise that my friend’s lack of interest in my baby is perhaps not such a bad thing. When we see each other we go out for a meal or drinks and we always have a great time. Actually, what a welcome break it is to have a conversation outside the baby bubble. This in itself is emotional support Smile

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 02/07/2021 08:45

My sisters best friend had a baby with a nut case. She knew he wasn’t going to be a great dad - had 3 other kids that he never sees so says it all really…Sister told her it would end in tears but no no, she wanted a baby and so had one one.

Fast forward 3 years and her little boy is a real handful, she’s split up from that nutcase and of course he’s not stepped up to the mark so she’s a single pregnant with little support, though her dad is very very hands on and helpful so she has got him.

She’s now met someone else and basically wants someone to look after her DS so she can stay over at his. She’s had rants to my sister saying she can’t believe that no one offers to stay at her house over night and babysit, because ‘everyone knows how much she’s struggling….’

My sister has her own health issues, a child with ASD and lives on the opposite side of Manchester so it could take my sister up to an hour to get to her friends house.

Now I’m sorry but I think she’s taking the absolute piss expecting anyone to sleep over and get to with her DS at 5.30 whilst she’s out staying at her boyfriends house. You’ve got kids, so either he’ll have to stay at yours or tough. Different if it was work or an emergency.

My point is she genuinely believes that her friends should be stepping up to help out. I’m sorry but I’d not ask anyone to look after my DC’s except in situations such as work.

earminted · 02/07/2021 08:50

Your poor friend OP. Sounds like she needs to cut herself up and give you all a piece.

I've never heard of anything like this before.

Youdiditanyway · 02/07/2021 08:52

Gosh. I have 5 DC and very little support because we don’t live close to family and my DH works full time. I just get on with it, I definitely don’t expect my friends to come over and cook and clean for me! You’re being ridiculous.