To expect free childcare from friend

[hungryunicorn]

Since I had my baby last year my very good friend hasn’t really shown much of an interest. She met the baby and gave a little gift but hasn’t offered any help or support. That’s fair enough, it was my choice to have a baby and I don’t want to burden others.

However, last night I met up with her and found that she has been going above and beyond to support another friend who had a baby in recent months… cleaning their house, cooking them meals, babysitting. The one time she visited my baby, I prepared us lunch, she didn’t offer to bring anything. They have made her an unofficial godmother to the baby so I expect this is a factor, but there is another friend that she also seems to help out a lot more.

This past year has been very difficult as I live abroad away from my family and have had zero support except from DH who is working. Because of covid restrictions my family haven’t been able to visit. I’ve felt very lonely and really could’ve done with my friend around, not necessarily to look after my baby, but to just be there for me.

I am asking all sorts of questions, like maybe she doesn’t like my baby? He’s not the sweet, serene babe in arms type… more like a dynamic pocket rocket. So funny but rather intense with his emotions !

Perhaps it’s also about asking for help. I told her I was having a hard time but never outright asked her to come help me as that’s not my way.

Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

The main difference is that these other friends are pushy. They outright asked her to do all these tasks for them, using the godmother card as leverage. I have spoken to her about it before as they seem to exploit her good nature. They just got married and had my friend rushed off her feet helping out with catering.

You have described the other friends as exploitative, yet in your OP you are bemoaning the fact that she doesn’t help you too. Why would you want to put a further burden on her?

You can have different relationships with different people - for whatever reason she feels she should/wants to help her other friend. Long term if you value her as a friend and try and let this go. You might need to take control yourself and make the effort to invite her around, ask to go out with her, either for a few hours in the day with your DB or one evening.

Firstly, work friends can be close friends. As well and every friendship is different.

But I am in a similar situation to you. My best friend, always seems to be doing things for 2 friends in particular. She just spent a fortune she didn't really have, helping one get ready for their wedding. She is still recovering financially.

And shebdoes loads of free child care (daily) for another. My kids are older and she has on occasion, helped me out.

But I don't expect more from her on that basis. I know and she knows they are taking the piss. She just finds it hard to say no to them.

They see her more than me because they always want something. Me and her do things for eachother and she knows I am not the friend that is only keeping in touch because I want something from her.

One has already started pulling away, because she doesn't need the childcare from July.

Our friendship is based on mutual caring for eachother. And yes there's times I do more for her. Or her more for me.

Our friendship is based on mutual care for eachother. I would rather be that friend, that the sort that everyone knows are taking advantage.

@Prospering It’s one couple. There is another couple she helps but they are much more respectful and have also supported her during her hard times.

I don’t want to exploit her but yes, I did feel hurt that she hasn’t offered any form of help, including emotional support. I don’t think that’s unreasonable to expect from a friendship.

I have told her it’s hard but I have not spelled it out so maybe she thought I’ve been coping OK.

[quote hungryunicorn]@LoveMyBlanket Yes admit title was really to draw attention. I don’t expect free childcare from her, but the other friends do!

The main difference is that these other friends are pushy. They outright asked her to do all these tasks for them, using the godmother card as leverage. I have spoken to her about it before as they seem to exploit her good nature. They just got married and had my friend rushed off her feet helping out with catering.[/quote]
But you seem a bit more bothered that you have not managed to exploit her than that others have though. Certainly your OP was about her not doing things for you rather than others taking advantage.

I have literally never heard of anyone cleaning somebody else’s house because they had a baby. Also none of my friends have needed my “support” after having had a baby themselves.

You don't really know what the other friends' situations are. They might need the help a lot more than you do, for reasons they've chosen to keep private. If they're just exploiting her, of course that's wrong of them. But if you recognize the problem with that arrangement, it doesn't make sense to think she should be doing the same for you, because that would also be you exploiting her.

And yes, it's possible she just doesn't like being around your baby. Babies aren't everyone's cup of tea, and some are much easier on the eardrums than others. Since it's not her child, this doesn't need to be a problem unless you choose to make it one.

So are you looking for free childcare (as in your title) or just more time from your friend?

Have you told her you are really struggling and asked her to come and visit or expected her to deduce it by telepathy?
When she has visited what have you actually done or talked about?

Its been a tough year for new mothers with all the normal services and self help get togethers shut down but a couple of my young relatives have found local zoom groups/chat groups to recreate some of the support they would have gained from in person groups. Have you looked for anything like that?

@Aprilx my original post ‘I’ve felt very lonely and really could’ve done with my friend around, not necessarily to look after my baby, but to just be there for me.’

I’m not looking for her to do stuff for me, but to be there emotionally and take an interest in how I’m getting on with the baby.

Wow this is really bad. She’s free to help put her other friends as much as she wishes, she’s already said to you she’s happy to do it, so let it go it’s none of your business

And no you can’t expect her to help you, be it child care or cleaning your house simply because she may help put someone else.

If you’re struggling and need help then sit down with your partner and work out how to do that.

You need to think about how good a friend you are to her, OP. If the others expecting her help are pushy about it, you’re currently probably on a pedestal in her eyes - that wonderful friend who doesn’t put upon her!

@C8H10N4O2 Admit title was to draw attention and aimed at the couple who are expecting childcare from my friend. No I wouldn’t expect her to look after my baby.

I have explained that it’s hard and that I’m lonely but I haven’t made a direct plea.

I haven’t used Zoom to chat to new mums but have met up with a couple of mums in my local area who I met online.

Going by the title of your post yabu. However, reading the actual content of your post I'm going to go against the grain a bit. I think support from friends when you're a new mum is really important. I don't necessarily mean childcare or cleaning or whatever, but definitely being there, listening, offering advice, generally being 'present' to support someone who might be finding it hard, for whatever reason. A good (work) friend of mine, who I haven't seen since the beginning of the pandemic (she lives 80 miles from me) sent me some chocolates yesterday for no other reason than to say 'I'm thinking about you because you've been having a bit of a tough time'. Her kindness meant the world to me and I'd like to think I'd do the same for others.

Does your friend check in on you op? See how you're doing? Listen and offer advice? Those are the things I think you should focus on. But yanbu to expect more from a friend who is close enough to have been your bridesmaid. Maybe she's just not as good a friend as you think. Or maybe you just need to be honest with her about how you're feeling.

@Mayaspecialist Thank you for sharing, you sound like a great friend.

I will try not to take it to heart and continue my friendship as before.

OP: AIBU?
Replies: Yes you are
OP: no I'm not and actually what I want isn't what I said I wanted in my original post

YABU but I do understand.

I had my baby around the same time as another friend of my BF. My BF travelled to her every single week, to cook, clean, help and generally be company to the other mother.

Being a new mum can be lonely, I felt incredibly alone and let down by her (still do), we aren’t such good friends these days.

@DeathStare my original post ‘I’ve felt very lonely and really could’ve done with my friend around, not necessarily to look after my baby, but to just be there for me.’

[quote hungryunicorn]@YouLikeTheBadOnesToo Yes other friends are out of order to use her like this. I did tell her to put her foot down.[/quote]
But you're complaining that she's not doing the same for you.

Hire a cleaner and childcare and let your friend be a friend and not unpaid staff.

YABU

@hungryunicorn your original post is titled "AIBU to expect free childcare from friend". You later backtracked and said that wasn't what you wanted and was just to seek attention, but in your original post, so you can't blame people responding as if you meant what you asked.

Your original post lists the practical help your friend has given other friends but not you. It doesn't list the emotional support she had given them not you. So you can't blame people for thinking it was the practical support that you want from her. You even mention that she didn't offer to bring lunch when she came to see you!

For your own sanity you need to stop obsessing over this. Personally I've helped one friend by cleaning her house and staying with her when she can't cope, but I've got other very close friend's whose children I rarely see. Sometimes you get closer to different people at different times or have a closer bond with different children... And that is perfectly fine. I had a very difficult situation with recurrent miscarriage and some of my friends didn't really support me in the way I hoped and I had to let it go. In the end I know they care about me and wish me well even if they don't check in all the time. That is worth more to me than falling out over confronting them because of perceived slights. Once you change your mindset and focus on other friendships you will be a lot happier

@Houseofvelour I’m complaining that she’s not supporting me as a friend.
I have never said she should clean my house or cook for me. That’s what she’s doing for the other friends.

[quote hungryunicorn]@DeathStare my original post ‘I’ve felt very lonely and really could’ve done with my friend around, not necessarily to look after my baby, but to just be there for me.’[/quote]
I think this is the part you should focussed on. Mentioning cleaning and your title has got people's backs up. I actually have read your post differently and think it is the emotional support you really are looking for. It is fine to need/want that from a friend and you sound a bit lonely. Maybe your friend could introduce you to her other friends with children too. Maybe invite your friend round more often and be honest about the fact that you're feeling a bit lonely? If she isn't interested then you will know soon enough.

How much is your partner helping?

So you want her to stop doing stuff for other people so she is free to do stuff for you...?

Poor "friend"!

I think you should have chosen a different title as you will get a lot of backs up reading that when that’s not really your issue.

It is lonely having a baby, especially with no support. But I think you’ve said it yourself, the key is to ask for support and help. It doesn’t always come naturally to people to sweep in and take over your baby when you need a break. People need to be asked. Perhaps her other friend has had other issues going on that you don’t know about and that’s why she’s had so much help. Best not to compare with others as it just makes you feel worse. Have an honest conversation with her, explain how hard you’re finding things and go from there.