Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect free childcare from friend

130 replies

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 06:52

Since I had my baby last year my very good friend hasn’t really shown much of an interest. She met the baby and gave a little gift but hasn’t offered any help or support. That’s fair enough, it was my choice to have a baby and I don’t want to burden others.

However, last night I met up with her and found that she has been going above and beyond to support another friend who had a baby in recent months… cleaning their house, cooking them meals, babysitting. The one time she visited my baby, I prepared us lunch, she didn’t offer to bring anything. They have made her an unofficial godmother to the baby so I expect this is a factor, but there is another friend that she also seems to help out a lot more.

This past year has been very difficult as I live abroad away from my family and have had zero support except from DH who is working. Because of covid restrictions my family haven’t been able to visit. I’ve felt very lonely and really could’ve done with my friend around, not necessarily to look after my baby, but to just be there for me.

I am asking all sorts of questions, like maybe she doesn’t like my baby? He’s not the sweet, serene babe in arms type… more like a dynamic pocket rocket. So funny but rather intense with his emotions !

Perhaps it’s also about asking for help. I told her I was having a hard time but never outright asked her to come help me as that’s not my way.

Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

OP posts:
TheArtfulCodger · 02/07/2021 07:12

I'm sorry you're feeling neglected by your friend and that she seems to be helping others while you feel you need help too as you have no family around. Perhaps to her you appear to be coping well and she feels her other friend is struggling.

Can you get out more to baby groups etc and meet other mums? I don't think your friend feels as close to you as you would like, so maybe focus your attention elsewhere for friendship.

JustLyra · 02/07/2021 07:14

Her relationship with her other friends is none of your business.

Given that it sounds like they’re pushy and rude then why is your annoyance not that they’re taking advantage of her good nature, but that you’re not getting the same help?

Sounds like she needs new friends all round.

redcarbluecar · 02/07/2021 07:14

If you want her to do you a favour, or visit, I think it’s best to directly ask. She may not realise you could do with a bit of help or support. Other friends sound a bit much though.

Souther · 02/07/2021 07:15

[quote hungryunicorn]@CupOfTPlease They’re not mutual friends, they’re her work friends.

She’s my close friend: she was my bridesmaid.[/quote]
I guess that's the difference.

If you're saying shes being exploited by others, surely as an actual friend you wouldn't do the same?

Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:19

@YouLikeTheBadOnesToo Yes other friends are out of order to use her like this. I did tell her to put her foot down.

OP posts:
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 02/07/2021 07:20

Friendships wax and wane and have different elements to them. Maybe you’re not as close now or she feels closer to her other friend? Maybe you’re the one she goes to for support and sees you as not needing help if you don’t ask?

arethereanyleftatall · 02/07/2021 07:21

You're looking at this the wrong way.

It isn't normal to give a friend free childcare. So, what she's doing for her other friend is either exceptionally nice, or they are exploiting her good nature. Maybe the current support required should be going the other way - from you to her, to help her say no if she needs to?

DotsandCo · 02/07/2021 07:22

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:23

@DeathStare I would expect to be treated fairly by a best friend, yes. None of the OTT stuff like the cleaning and cooking, but asking me how it’s going with the baby and making time for a visit.

I have spent a lot of time supporting her when she was very low after her break up. I think it’s reasonable to expect some reciprocity in a friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:24

@arethereanyleftatall Have spoken to her about them taking advantage. She said she realises but is so happy to be godmother and loves the baby.

OP posts:
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 02/07/2021 07:24

Hahaha. Some reciprocity. Not her skivvying for you.

DeathStare · 02/07/2021 07:25

Be careful OP. Your comments about her other friends sound really rude and judgemental. Has she a totally told you that she finds them so pushy she can't say no? Has she said she feels used? Has she asked for your help dealing with them?

If not you really need to back off and stop comparing what she does with them and what she does with you. You have no idea whether she's being used or whether shes happy to help, and it comes across as quite jealous and controlling.

If on the other hand your friend actually has said she feels put upon and used, then why are you focusing on her not doing much for you? That's really inappropriate

KillingMeDeftly · 02/07/2021 07:27

Is this a reverse?

cookiecreampie · 02/07/2021 07:27

I wouldn't worry about her being taken advantage of, if she doesn't want to do it, she could say no. Maybe she's closer with these other friends than she is to you. I know how you feel though as I've been on the receiving end of friends pulling back after babies, but you just have to let it go.

Prospering · 02/07/2021 07:28

Hang on, is it one other friend or several she’s babysitting and cleaning for? First you said one, but now you’re saying ‘they’.

I don’t think you can legislate for other people’s friendships. I admit I find it bizarre that your response to discovering your friend is — from what you say — being exploited by another friend was primarily jealousy she’s not offered to be equally exploited by you.

lorca · 02/07/2021 07:28

Well it sounds like your BF has been exploited/blackmailed/co-erced into help with her co-worker. Sad

If they are holding the 'unofficial Godmother' as a carrot over her, maybe you could do the same? An 'unofficial Godmother' is just a set of words, hot air. Even an 'Official Godmother' doesn't do much? If you think you could get 'free childcare/dinners/help from her by introducing her as Unofficial Godmother?

Snoken · 02/07/2021 07:28

I suspect you having a pocket rocket baby is making her not wanting to spend that much time with you. It's exhausting to be around, especially when you are not the parent with the emotional bond.

Her other friends exploit her in your words, and you basically want to do the same. Although you have back tracked on that in your later posts. I wonder if she feels that she has any real friends who just doesn't want to use her as free labour.

Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:28

@TheArtfulCodger Thank you for your response. Unfortunately baby groups don’t really exist here, it’s quite isolating. I have managed to meet some other mums though . We don’t see each other very often but now that covid restrictions are lifted I hope to meet up more often.

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 02/07/2021 07:29

Trying not to sound harsh here, but you need to take a good look at yourself and your expectations of others. Firm up your own self-confidence so you don't get rattled by perceived slights, and try to keep your entitlement in check.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 02/07/2021 07:31

So you want to use her too. Nice friend you are OP.

CupOfTPlease · 02/07/2021 07:32

Okay, she might be your close friend as she was your bridesmaid but are you her close friend?

KateTheEighth · 02/07/2021 07:33

YABVU

Who she spends time with is nothing to do with you

Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 07:33

@EishetChayil Not rude, direct and constructive. Will take heed Wink

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 02/07/2021 07:33

I can see why you are hurt by it OP. Do you think that your friend could be reluctant to offer help/support as you are telling her that she could be taken advantage of? Has the other friend with the baby, got a partner too?

wjg65ka · 02/07/2021 07:34

I wouldn't expect anything from anyone I think you're being unreasonable. I can see why you'd be upset but cmon it's you're child sort your own childcare

Swipe left for the next trending thread