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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect free childcare from friend

130 replies

hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 06:52

Since I had my baby last year my very good friend hasn’t really shown much of an interest. She met the baby and gave a little gift but hasn’t offered any help or support. That’s fair enough, it was my choice to have a baby and I don’t want to burden others.

However, last night I met up with her and found that she has been going above and beyond to support another friend who had a baby in recent months… cleaning their house, cooking them meals, babysitting. The one time she visited my baby, I prepared us lunch, she didn’t offer to bring anything. They have made her an unofficial godmother to the baby so I expect this is a factor, but there is another friend that she also seems to help out a lot more.

This past year has been very difficult as I live abroad away from my family and have had zero support except from DH who is working. Because of covid restrictions my family haven’t been able to visit. I’ve felt very lonely and really could’ve done with my friend around, not necessarily to look after my baby, but to just be there for me.

I am asking all sorts of questions, like maybe she doesn’t like my baby? He’s not the sweet, serene babe in arms type… more like a dynamic pocket rocket. So funny but rather intense with his emotions !

Perhaps it’s also about asking for help. I told her I was having a hard time but never outright asked her to come help me as that’s not my way.

Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/07/2021 08:53

Your thread title is completely not what you're talking about, OP. Did you purposely write it to get a lot of traffic? Pointless if that was the reason because it's likely that your title will have got backs up - and all you really wanted was reassurance from your friend and a bit of support.

You're not unreasonable to have wanted that, you're struggling and you've told her. She has the time and headspace for others but not for you. I would ask her about that.

YAB completely unreasonable to write such meaningless attention-seeking thread title though. Don't do it again! Grin

IdblowJonSnow · 02/07/2021 08:54

Yanbu to feel miffed about the disproportionate responses towards her other friends.

I guess you could ask her for help? If it's cleaning you want I'd just pay for that if you can?

Is your DH pulling his weight when not working?

SpeakingFranglais · 02/07/2021 08:56

I have spoken to her about it before as they seem to exploit her good nature.

and yet you feel resentful that you can't exploit it too?

UpSlyDown · 02/07/2021 09:02

OP I hate to break it to you but your ‘spirited sassy’ baby probably just looks like hard work to your friends. It’s unusual for a friend to be so invested (I have wonderful friends but they never came and cleaned my house/cooked huge meals/babysat my small baby). Your other friend may be struggling, May be inviting her loads, may have a chilled dream baby that just sleeps and gurgles at her godmother. I’m sure your son is gorgeous but my friend who’s baby had ‘loads of personality’ was tbh a pain in the arse!

3scape · 02/07/2021 09:05

I'm not a religious person but I thought the whole point of godparent was to be usefully involved in a child's life? She doesn't sound invested enough in you or your child for that role.

NewlyGranny · 02/07/2021 09:07

Bridesmaid at your wedding was not an induction for being your handmaid for life

Stuckhere2021 · 02/07/2021 09:09

I could be way off track here but you say you live abroad - have you migrated somewhere? How long have you known this friend compared with how long she has known the others? I lived abroad for three years and made “close friends “ who were from the country but I found the friends they had grown up with top trumped me every time. She was closer to me than I was to her, if that makes sense? As I say, I could be wrong but just wondering about the dynamics.

TableFlowerss · 02/07/2021 09:11

@3scape

I'm not a religious person but I thought the whole point of godparent was to be usefully involved in a child's life? She doesn't sound invested enough in you or your child for that role.
Not this day and age in the UK. It’s more of a token gesture. --bribe to make someone feel good in the hope they help out more as they’re flattered --
AmyDudley · 02/07/2021 09:13

Ignoring all the stuff about house cleaning,free childcare etc. The actual issue here is that you are a lonely new mum. It's fine to feel like that, lots of people do, especially in these difficult times.
Rather than worrying about how this friend behaves with other people, have a think about what you can do to improve your situation.

I would contact the friend and ask her of she want to come over for a coffee, or go for a walk with you, and while she's with you let her sound of about things as well as telling her about your struggles - so she doesn't feel you are just having her over to talk about baby stuff, but are interested in her life too. But be proactive in phoning her for a chat or asking her over, don't wait for her to offer.

I appreciate it must be very hard with no baby groups going on, but you say you have met some mums online - I would cultivate these friendships - ask if a couple of them would like to go for a walk with you, or meet up for a coffee (depending on rules where you are obv.)
Don't worry too much about house cleaning etc. - keep the room you are in most often with the baby tidyish, and elsewhere just concentrate on essentials - laundry and cooking area.

No one expects you to have a pristine house when you've got a small baby.
Hopefully things will start opening up again before too long and you will meet lots of new people - just hang on in until then.

KarmaViolet · 02/07/2021 09:21

I think you have learned something today OP.

And that something is that nobody reads the actual OP if there's a good goady question in the title.

YANBU to feel sad that she has only visited you once in a year. She may not want to impose, you need to tell her you want to see her. As things open up again can you meet for coffee somewhere child-friendly?

Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 09:26

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Yes thread title was a mistake, consider my wrist slapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryunicorn · 02/07/2021 09:28

@AmyDudley

Ignoring all the stuff about house cleaning,free childcare etc. The actual issue here is that you are a lonely new mum. It's fine to feel like that, lots of people do, especially in these difficult times. Rather than worrying about how this friend behaves with other people, have a think about what you can do to improve your situation.

I would contact the friend and ask her of she want to come over for a coffee, or go for a walk with you, and while she's with you let her sound of about things as well as telling her about your struggles - so she doesn't feel you are just having her over to talk about baby stuff, but are interested in her life too. But be proactive in phoning her for a chat or asking her over, don't wait for her to offer.

I appreciate it must be very hard with no baby groups going on, but you say you have met some mums online - I would cultivate these friendships - ask if a couple of them would like to go for a walk with you, or meet up for a coffee (depending on rules where you are obv.)
Don't worry too much about house cleaning etc. - keep the room you are in most often with the baby tidyish, and elsewhere just concentrate on essentials - laundry and cooking area.

No one expects you to have a pristine house when you've got a small baby.
Hopefully things will start opening up again before too long and you will meet lots of new people - just hang on in until then.

@AmyDudley Thank you do much, that is such helpful, constructive advice. I am not a very confident person and don’t tend to seek out friendships, I know I need to change on this and make more of an effort.
OP posts:
Garbagepailgal · 02/07/2021 09:28

Have spoken to her about them taking advantage. She said she realises but is so happy to be godmother and loves the baby.

Unofficial godmother means what though?? Sounds made up to get her to do what they want.
My dc godmother is my sister and godfather her husband. We had a religious ceremony to express the responsibility and they are in my will to look after dc if we die.

Rachie1973 · 02/07/2021 09:37

[quote hungryunicorn]@DeathStare I would expect to be treated fairly by a best friend, yes. None of the OTT stuff like the cleaning and cooking, but asking me how it’s going with the baby and making time for a visit.

I have spent a lot of time supporting her when she was very low after her break up. I think it’s reasonable to expect some reciprocity in a friendship.[/quote]
You don’t get to ‘expect’ anything I’m afraid

Rachie1973 · 02/07/2021 09:38

[quote hungryunicorn]@arethereanyleftatall Have spoken to her about them taking advantage. She said she realises but is so happy to be godmother and loves the baby.[/quote]
Well there you go. You’re badmouthing them, so she probably thinks you don’t want any help since you’re so judgemental about them asking for it.

SengaMac · 02/07/2021 09:45

The main difference is that these other friends are pushy. They outright asked her to do all these tasks for them, using the godmother card as leverage. I have spoken to her about it before as they seem to exploit her good nature.

Why would you want to be the same as these CFs?

Ask your friend round more often. Tell her you'd like to have her company more.
Can you see her when your baby is asleep?

Maybe her time & energy is too taken up with these other people so that she doesn't have space for you.
If she knows that, and doesn't change it, there's nothing you can do.

CousinKrispy · 02/07/2021 09:45

My family is overseas too, OP, and I remember how lonely and exhausting it felt as a new mum on my own.

Perhaps open up to your friend more often and initiate conversations in which you talk about how you are struggling. She can't read your mind and you may appear to be doing fine from the outside.

But you can't make her give emotional support if she's not in a place to do it now, even if you've been supportive to her in the past. You'll just have to accept what she's willing to give. If she doesn't respond the way you'd like, keep trying to find other friends too, which I know is difficult but will pay off in the long run.

good luck!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/07/2021 09:46

IMO it’s not usual to expect help from friends, except perhaps for the odd emergency one-off, or maybe bringing a meal ready to shove in the oven, right after having a baby.

I remember being startled when someone I knew said she thought ‘people’ should give her a bit of help - she was a SAHM with 3 young dcs, I had 2 of the same sort of ages. At the time I thought WTF? You chose to have them, you look after them.

HappyDays40 · 02/07/2021 09:50

Maybe the other friend has all sorts of trauma and need for support although it sounds a bit intense. She mighy have nothing more to give to anyone else. She also mighy be thinking that offering support might be the thin end of a piss taking wedge. Not that this is the case here but I helped friends with some things not everything its unsustainable.

knittingaddict · 02/07/2021 09:57

[quote hungryunicorn]@CupOfTPlease They’re not mutual friends, they’re her work friends.

She’s my close friend: she was my bridesmaid.[/quote]
These are work friends, but your friend is the godmother? You don't invite people you barely know to be godparents, so they must be very close. Yabu in every scenario I can think off.

KB921 · 02/07/2021 10:07

I understand your annoyance because she's helped another parent. But you really don't have children to be expect others to help!

MrsMariaReynolds · 02/07/2021 10:18

Gosh, we're the ones who live abroad, and we haven't had more than a couple of visits from family in the past 13 years. My son has survived. Your kid, your responsibility.

Maybe the other "friend" doesn't give off nearly as much of an entitled vibe vibe as you...?

EL8888 · 02/07/2021 10:22

You’re unreasonable. As others have said you have no right to expect of anyone, apart from the babies father. She has her own life. Why should your decision to have a baby impact on her?

Whatafustercluck · 02/07/2021 10:25

Bloody hell. All this "I had 15 children, never asked for or expected help from anyone - even shoved a broom up my backside so I could brush the floor and balance my triplets simultaneously" and such like. Well, it takes a village to raise a child. If a woman says she's lonely and would value more support, I was raised not to kick her when she's down but offer a hand to help her back up again. Thankfully, all my friends feel the same. It's not a race to the bottom of who needs the least help. And new mums have had it especially hard during the pandemic so situations are not remotely comparable.

Gizlotsmum · 02/07/2021 10:27

All friendships are different, maybe her other friends asked for help? Maybe the supporter is the role she takes in theirs friendships? Maybe she is more comfortable doing things in their houses? Maybe you seem more in control? No one knows if you want her to be more involved maybe you need to ask