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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

344 replies

NonShallot · 01/07/2021 16:23

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

OP posts:
WaterAndTheWild · 01/07/2021 17:37

I had this once

I bought some lovely cakes over to a new neighbour friend for coffee - she looked horrified but thanked me and put them in the kitchen. We never ate them but I suspect she hadn't eaten cake for many, many years.

NormaSnorks · 01/07/2021 17:40

Some people really don't like or eat much cake. I have a friend who insists on making cupcakes with all that ridiculous swirly sugary icing. I won't eat them, but I'd offer her one.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 17:42

@2bazookas

Possibly the hosts had their own reason not to eat the treats with the coffee they served , but were too polite to tell you so. Then it would be really awkward to serve them to you and not take one herself. 
 The host might be a really health-conscious person  who avoids high fat high sugar food..  They might be fasting or just be on a diet.  They might just not like shop confectionery.  They might be vegans, or   only eat kosher .

  A dear friend of mine is a wonderful baker ;  but she is also such a very observant Jew  that she  never eats in non-Jewish households (mine). Nothing in my house is kosher  and I don't separate milk and meat utensils.</div></div>

If your guest brings you a gift that you intend to chuck in the bin, surely you'd say something though?
Oh gosh that's so kind but I can't eat them unless they're kosher. You should take them with you and treat the kids.
Etx

Miraloma · 01/07/2021 17:46

Goodness me how miserable.

Protocol is - if I'm inviting someone then I try to find something delicious/treat worthy

Friend shows up with something equally lovely - I say 'ooooh wow and look what I got!'

All lovely things opened and offered up (even when calorie counting you can still box clever ) then when friend leaving we argue over who keeps the leftovers or takes home

ChocolateRiver · 01/07/2021 17:47

I would definitely assume they were to share and would have opened them. How bizarre of both your friends. I don’t think I know anyone who would behave like this.

toocold54 · 01/07/2021 17:48

I would probably assume they were a gift as a sort of thank you for having me over and I’d share it out with the family later on Blush I would do as PPs have said say I’ve brought these over so WE can have them with OUR tea.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/07/2021 17:48

@Goatinthegarden

Oh this! A friend and I went around to another work friend’s garden just as lockdown was easing. We went at three in the afternoon, we had been asked to bring our own drinks which we did, and we both brought a selection of snacks to share with the host.

At about 9pm after much drinking, we had to leave because the snacks had been put away never to be seen again and we were ready to chew our arms off. We got chips on the walk home and discussed how odd it was (and that we should probably have said something!).

Not offering food over a normal mealtime is odd and rude by itself. Brought to a whole new dimension when you've actually provided food yourselves and aren't allowed to eat it!!
Tiddleztheelephant · 01/07/2021 17:49

Yes I'd assume they were to share, how bizarre.
Easily solved though by giving it a few minutes then saying "right shall we have those biscuits now, I'm peckish?"

Chloemol · 01/07/2021 17:49

I would always open and share. When I go anywhere with goodies I always say I will bring the cakes, then when I get there ask for a plate to put them on on share

user1471538283 · 01/07/2021 17:50

Of course they are shared! Some people are mean minded.

I wouldn't take anything again.

SamW98 · 01/07/2021 18:04

Very strange. To me they were obviously to share. I mean you wouldn't turn up with a bottle of wine at a friends and not expect it to be cracked open - this is no different

Powertothepetal · 01/07/2021 18:07

I would assume they were a gift to me and enjoy them later! Blush
It wouldn’t occur to me to share them out.

NiceGerbil · 01/07/2021 18:08

I read that as baked beans 🤣🤣🤣

3Britnee · 01/07/2021 18:08

Your friends are rude. I bet if they came to you they wouldn't even bring something. If I invited people for tea, I'd put out a cake, myself, to go with it Confused

EveningOverRooftops · 01/07/2021 18:08

It’s a shared thing.

I take leftovers (I cook for the freezer when making curry, chilli etc) when going to see my mate and we have it for lunch to save either of use having to think about lunch or cook anything.

With cakes and stuff if there’s leftovers we divvy them up so we have enough each for each of our family members for when we get home after dinner the following day.

Your friends are weird OP get some new friends!

Wrotten · 01/07/2021 18:11

Friend 2 definitely held them back so she could give her kids a treat on your dime.

FourTeaFallOut · 01/07/2021 18:12

Of course it's to share. I wouldn't be able to sit there with my sad unaccompanied cup of tea just looking at the muffins I brought to share ignored on a shelf and not say anything. How rude.

RampantIvy · 01/07/2021 18:14

@Powertothepetal

I would assume they were a gift to me and enjoy them later! Blush It wouldn’t occur to me to share them out.
That is odd and quite rude.

As is common on this kind of thread on mumsnet, why don't people communicate with each other?

This kind of thing never happens to me because my friends and I actually talk to each other.

So why aren't you all talking to each other?

Jumpalicious · 01/07/2021 18:17

Well I know two people who brought baked goods (which I put out) and then took the “left overs” home again - I hadn’t even tried one! 😝

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 18:18

As is common on this kind of thread on mumsnet, why don't people communicate with each other?

It's rather rude to tell someone you want to eat the food you brought though.

3Britnee · 01/07/2021 18:19

@NonShallot

I think on both occasions I said, 'Oh here, I brought these' and handed them over. I don't think I said anything more committal than that. Maybe I need to work on being more assertive saying, Oh could I have one of those cookies with my coffee?

I was particularly disappointed with not getting a muffin as they were quite nice double chocolate ones! Grin

You need to not hand them over. Put them on the table and open them when the tea is being made.
Daisylookslost · 01/07/2021 18:23

You’re not wrong! But with friends like this, assuming you want to do this again, arrive at the house with the packet already opened and consuming said treats. Then when they answer the door offer one enthusiastically. If they decline say your loss! And pop then away in your bag for later. Obviously you can do variations on this as time goes by but stake your claim! Very rude friends you have Hmm

3Britnee · 01/07/2021 18:26

@Miraloma

Goodness me how miserable.

Protocol is - if I'm inviting someone then I try to find something delicious/treat worthy

Friend shows up with something equally lovely - I say 'ooooh wow and look what I got!'

All lovely things opened and offered up (even when calorie counting you can still box clever ) then when friend leaving we argue over who keeps the leftovers or takes home

This.
Gwenhwyfar · 01/07/2021 18:28

I would just open them myself.

maddening · 01/07/2021 18:29

You go in and say " I bought these for us to have with our tea, we totally deserve a treat".

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