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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

344 replies

NonShallot · 01/07/2021 16:23

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 01/07/2021 17:08

I think that’s odd too - if someone brings biscuits for coffee, then they’re to share. The only exception to this would be if, say, the host had made a cake or already had some baked goods/biscuits of a similar nature out ready for you to have.

Goatinthegarden · 01/07/2021 17:08

Oh this! A friend and I went around to another work friend’s garden just as lockdown was easing. We went at three in the afternoon, we had been asked to bring our own drinks which we did, and we both brought a selection of snacks to share with the host.

At about 9pm after much drinking, we had to leave because the snacks had been put away never to be seen again and we were ready to chew our arms off. We got chips on the walk home and discussed how odd it was (and that we should probably have said something!).

Walkaround · 01/07/2021 17:08

I would assume they were to share and, even if a present, that it’s bloody rude not to share them anyway with the tea. If I brought some round and they were not opened and offered, I would suspect the person in question was on a diet and lacked the willpower to avoid eating them if they opened them for me; or that they hated them and didn’t want to make it obvious by offering them to me and conspicuously not touching them themselves… I would also feel a bit miffed not to get cake or biscuit with my tea, given how obvious I’d made it that I considered cakes/biscuits a good accompaniment to a chat over a cup of tea Grin.

Backhills · 01/07/2021 17:09

Is going round for coffee such a big event for other people that it requires pre planning and shopping? I have various people in for coffee practically every day. Sometimes twice a day Grin

They keep coming, despite the lack of biscuits.

Fernando072020 · 01/07/2021 17:10

Yanbu. We had friends over yesterday for a playdate, they brought a box of chocolates and I opened them, offered them then left them open for everyone to take as they pleased...

Maggiesfarm · 01/07/2021 17:10

I think you have to be clear that it is a small treat for you all - "Something nice for us to have with a cup of tea". Otherwise they will think it is a gift for them to have later.

WimpoleHat · 01/07/2021 17:10

I don't offer snacks with coffee because we all eat too many snacks and everyone I know is trying to cut down.

And that’s fine. But if someone brings them over when you’re having coffee, surely that implies that they might like one? In the same vein as someone bringing a bottle of wine to dinner implies that they might like a glass themselves. (They may not, of course - but it would definitely prompt you to offer.)

BastardMonkfish · 01/07/2021 17:11

Come to my house for coffee please OP I will share your cakes!
I have a couple of friends who invite themselves to my house (literally WhatsApp saying are you home we are calling round for tea) but never bring anything so I'm left desperately searching the cupboards for something to give them with their tea that I didn't even want to make Blush

Original poster
NonShallot · 01/07/2021 17:11

I think on both occasions I said, 'Oh here, I brought these' and handed them over. I don't think I said anything more committal than that. Maybe I need to work on being more assertive saying, Oh could I have one of those cookies with my coffee?

I was particularly disappointed with not getting a muffin as they were quite nice double chocolate ones! Grin

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 01/07/2021 17:13

Wine is different. It's very probable that the host has selected wine to complement the meal.

In our circles the host provides some wine, but guests do as well. We tend to start the wine well before the meal so it doesn't really matter if it "goes with the food".

DH can't drink alcohol during and straight after food, so he mostly drinks before eating.

Re the baked goods - why didn't you say something at the time?

And those of you who would assume they were a gift - really?

Mind you, if I took homemaking along to a friend's house I would either say it was a gift or say something like "I brought these along to share". I wouldn't just hand them over and say nothing.

suggestionsplease1 · 01/07/2021 17:13

I think I've probably done this in the past but it's been in an effort not be rude... to not seem like I'm dependent on what they bring over to feed us both - that would feel rude to me ...like 'thank god you brought something over because I didn't think/care enough about you coming to get some cakes, pastries for us to have myself..'

But now I know! Etiquette, eh?! Everyone's got their own thoughts. I think I probably saw my parents doing this as I grew up and just did the same.

NormaSnorks · 01/07/2021 17:13

I'd probably open them and put them on a plate for you but not have one myself, or just cut one up and have 1/2 or 1/4 one. But that's because I generally don't eat many biscuits/cakes. If I had a chance of some being left later for the kids then this would be a popular option! (Since I don't eat cakes I tend to forget to buy any!)

allfineanddandytillitsnot · 01/07/2021 17:16

@Backhills

I can't t be the only one. I had coffee at a friend's this very morning and that's what we had. Coffee.

My mum's just been round for tea, it never occured to me to offer her a biscuit and I never get one at their house.

The OP isn't saying that she expects treats on every visit though. This is about when you specifically take treats along but they aren't offered with the tea / coffee
MummatoKennedy · 01/07/2021 17:16

@Backhills

I can't t be the only one. I had coffee at a friend's this very morning and that's what we had. Coffee.

My mum's just been round for tea, it never occured to me to offer her a biscuit and I never get one at their house.

Well perhaps there is a difference between specifically going around to a friend's house for coffee/tea , where cake or biscuits should be offered. Rather than if you just drop by to a friend's house and are offered a drink while there,in which case there is less expectation for a snack!
2bazookas · 01/07/2021 17:18

Possibly the hosts had their own reason not to eat the treats with the coffee they served , but were too polite to tell you so. Then it would be really awkward to serve them to you and not take one herself.

 The host might be a really health-conscious person  who avoids high fat high sugar food..  They might be fasting or just be on a diet.  They might just not like shop confectionery.  They might be vegans, or   only eat kosher .

  A dear friend of mine is a wonderful baker ;  but she is also such a very observant Jew  that she  never eats in non-Jewish households (mine). Nothing in my house is kosher  and I don't separate milk and meat utensils.
viques · 01/07/2021 17:20

@NonShallot

I think on both occasions I said, 'Oh here, I brought these' and handed them over. I don't think I said anything more committal than that. Maybe I need to work on being more assertive saying, Oh could I have one of those cookies with my coffee?

I was particularly disappointed with not getting a muffin as they were quite nice double chocolate ones! Grin

Wait until you are sitting down with the tea/coffee served, then dive into your bag , bring out the goodies, rip open the packaging and say “ Oh , nearly forgot these! Don’t bother getting plates out, they won’t last that long.”
kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 17:23

It wouldn't occur to me not to share

but it's bloody rude to demand that other people do!

CheesyWeez · 01/07/2021 17:24

I would definitely have offered them around OP. Or at least asked "ooh do you want one now?" and listened to the answer whether you said "yes let's get cracking on the cakes" or "oh they're a gift for you to enjoy later"

My husband once bought me my most favourite cake ever for my birthday - a black cherry gateau (not fashionable any more but I'm old)
I was looking forward to it. His mum turns up with a cake she'd made, that none of us really liked.
Being polite we ate her cake with her saying how delicious it was and us chewing it.
Then we had another tea party that night when she'd gone and we ate my husband's cake. Yummy!

Fancy having cake in the house and not offering/eating it - your friend is bonkers.

TheHoundsofLove · 01/07/2021 17:24

I think wine or chocolates is entirely different - they are definite present territory and I wouldn't necessarily feel that I had to open ether. But, it is very odd not to open baked goods brought to a coffee catch-up. Who would really think that an entire packet of freshly baked muffins or cookies is a personal present to them?

BakedBiscuit · 01/07/2021 17:27

YABU

2021DNA · 01/07/2021 17:28

The etiquette is to bake them yourself GrinGrinGrin

I’m with you on this OP, I’d always open any treats for the guest to share.

BungleandGeorge · 01/07/2021 17:31

Very rude! If it was something long life and they’d already laid on a spread it would be acceptable. If there was no existing food then they should open chocolates too

Sunkisses · 01/07/2021 17:32

YANBU. Definitely should be shared. Mind you I never snack in between meals as it ruins my appetite so I'd feel a bit awkward, as host, having to eat when not hungry!

transformandriseup · 01/07/2021 17:32

I would have said something like, shall I get some plates for these.

If it didn't work I just wouldn't bother again in the future.

Anonymous48 · 01/07/2021 17:35

@GreyhoundG1rl

"Would you really? While your guest sat there with a solitary cup of tea?
That's quite embarrassing"

I would never have anyone over just for a cup of tea! Maybe it's a cultural thing, but my friends and I never go to each other's houses for a cup of coffee or tea.

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