To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

[NonShallot]

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

You just said 'I brought these'. Ob your friends didn't think they were to eat there and then. Next time just say 'I brought these for us to share with out cuppa'

Yeah I'd probably have said oh I brought these for us to go with the tea/coffees. If nothing was produced with said tea I would have said right let's get the cakes/cookies out I brought!

In my family anything you bring to a house is a gift for the guest, it would be extremely rude to expect the host to put it out, it's as if you are saying you have to bring your own food to eat at their house. I remember someone bringing me a box of chocolates when I gave birth and her son whining and moaning for a chocolate. She asked me to open them and said she specifically got the ones she did because he wanted them. I very much judged her for this!

It amazes me how I manage to have any friends sometimes reading this place. lol.

I have an open kitchen policy. Even if you don't live here don't wait for anyone to ask you if you are hungry/thirsty. I am not a mind reader. I've already shown you were the kettle and munchies are because the kitchen is the first place we automatically go as I ask them if they would like a drink as they are walking through the door.

By moving the guests into the kitchen you are also unknowingly to them, showing them where the coffee etc is as you pause in those areas and carry on talking.

As they are downing that first cuppa you casually let them know they can make themselves another cuppa if they want. This can also be extended so that your guests make their own sandwiches etc.

If I'm not thinking about/or cooking when you show up for a none food visit, and it continues over a "normal" meal time I'm not going to offer you anything because chances are it's not a normal meal time for me as I'm not hungry (children are different lol, I do offer them food).

When visiting someone else's house, I take a gift. If I want to share I let them know. If I want another coffee I will say something, like I would if I wanted to use the loo. If the person wants to make me all my coffees, that's up to them and I do mention something about drinking gallons of the stuff, and I honestly don't mind making my own. If I'm there and I'm hungry with no food offered, until I get to know them I make excuses and leave. Until I get to know them more I plan visits during my regular none hungry hours. And the only reason I do that is because people are weird about food and it's amazing how many people get pissed off because you're appetite doesn't work with theirs.

To be honest I would have just opened them myself.
Didn't you say these are for us or something?

I did a less stuffy form of finishing school, and was taught gifts brought to tea must not be expected for consumption, as it can disrupt the host’s plans and means things won’t go smoothly in terms of plates etc. To avoid putting pressure on a host, apparently you’re supposed to bring flowers or a plant.

Another nugget I picked up is that wine brought to dinner parties is kept until later, not to be served at the dinner party. Hosts will have catered appropriately, and suggesting otherwise is rude.

I would assume it is a gift for me, and offer something else. This is the done thing with most people I know. If this was something that I wouldn't easily get for myself, all the more to think its a gift.

OP you're not being unreasonable, I'd have been disappointed at missing out on a muffin too! I think there are lots of polite but effective phrases already suggested, although I'd probably be a bit less subtle with these friends in future and go our something like, 'I couldn't resist getting a muffin, they're my favourite/perfect with a cup of tea. I brought you one too, don't worry!'

@Backhills

I can't t be the only one. I had coffee at a friend's this very morning and that's what we had. Coffee.

My mum's just been round for tea, it never occured to me to offer her a biscuit and I never get one at their house.

Conversely, I would never in a million years offer someone just tea or coffee, without a biscuit at the very very least. And that only if I wasn't expecting them, if I was there would be homemade cake/scones whatever. If it was near a meal time they would be offered food/a sandwich etc.

It may or may not be accepted, but I wouldn't even think of not offering I most people I know would be the same.

^ go with, not go our.

@jasminoide

In my family anything you bring to a house is a gift for the guest, it would be extremely rude to expect the host to put it out, it's as if you are saying you have to bring your own food to eat at their house. I remember someone bringing me a box of chocolates when I gave birth and her son whining and moaning for a chocolate. She asked me to open them and said she specifically got the ones she did because he wanted them. I very much judged her for this!

Even a packet of biscuits?? If I'm taking a gift for the host I will say "don't open them now, they're for you to enjoy later". If I take a pack of cookies or some muffins along when a cuppa is planned, they surely it's clear they're to eat with the cuppa?

I’ve had this too OP! It’s bizarre. I now say “I brought us some treats to share”

@sergeilavrov

I did a less stuffy form of finishing school, and was taught gifts brought to tea must not be expected for consumption, as it can disrupt the host’s plans and means things won’t go smoothly in terms of plates etc. To avoid putting pressure on a host, apparently you’re supposed to bring flowers or a plant.

Another nugget I picked up is that wine brought to dinner parties is kept until later, not to be served at the dinner party. Hosts will have catered appropriately, and suggesting otherwise is rude.

Yes that all makes sense, although perhaps applies to more formal situations. And it requires a host that is on the same page and has bought enough. If I were casually popping round to a friend’s for a coffee I wouldn’t expect cakes or anything special. That’s why I might take something as a treat. At my house I’d always get the biscuits out. They wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary, but they’d be offered.

Do people really take host gifts when they're just going round for a coffee though? I think anything taken to a lunch or dinner party is clearly a gift for the host. But a bag of cookies taken to a coffee catch-up? it wouldn't even cross my mind they weren't to be shared with the coffee.

I would have biscuits/ cake already so would assume it was a gift and I wouldn’t want to open too many as I don’t like waste.. I’m another one with a family / circle that would think it rude to turn up with a food or drink contribution unless specifically pre arranged. I can’t imagine a situation in which I’d have more than a couple of biscuits or a piece of cake in the morning- I really don’t get the ‘oooooh cake’ excitement, so if I had bics already I’d just think I had enough!

Also, maybe they weren’t nice muffins!

@strangersintheday yes, the biscuits are a present for the host. I would feel offended if someone came to my house with a packet of biscuits thinking that we were going to eat them, it's implying that I don't have anything to give the guests.

@Retrievemysanity

I always say ‘I’ve bought us some cakes’ as I hand them over, stressing the ‘us’. And if the hint isn’t taken ‘shall I slice the cake/open the biscuits/get the plates for the snacks’

Yes, this. Make clear at the outset that the baked goods are for the hostess to share with the guests. And then if she doesn't, never bring them again.

‘Baked Treats’ ugh!
Take the hint and save them the trouble of binning.

This is probably a cultural thing. I would assume it’s a gift. In my culture, it would be seen as very weird to bring food/drink to ‘dinner’ in the first place, for If they’ve invited you to dinner, why do you think they need your extra food/wine? It would be met with and politely put away. I now see from this thread at least, that the normal thing here would have been to share it back with the guest.

Yes, wine too, just open it already

I’d open with I brought cookies/cake for us to have with coffee. Clarity!

@TheHoundsofLove

Do people really take host gifts when they're just going round for a coffee though? I think anything taken to a lunch or dinner party is clearly a gift for the host. But a bag of cookies taken to a coffee catch-up? it wouldn't even cross my mind they weren't to be shared with the coffee.

I agree. A dinner party yes but would you take a gift if you're going for coffee and a chat? I would fully expect a mate turning up with any snacks or cakes that they were for immediate consumption

@Boatie

This is probably a cultural thing. I would assume it’s a gift. In my culture, it would be seen as very weird to bring food/drink to ‘dinner’ in the first place, for If they’ve invited you to dinner, why do you think they need your extra food/wine? It would be met with and politely put away. I now see from this thread at least, that the normal thing here would have been to share it back with the guest.

It depends on the occasion. Dinner party so lots of effort in cooking, wine or chocolates or flowers 2ould be an acceptable gift to be put away.

Popping round your mates for a quick coffee and a chat, no obligation to take anything but if you do it's to share. No one needs a gift for filling up the kettle

Mad, some of the comments here... Etiquette & so on, such an English thing!

Imagine serving endless cups of tea, and not getting out the cakes / biscuits? Why? The idea of offending somebody by bringing food to their house is alien to me...

My worst scenario, though, is when you go to a party & the birthday / wedding cake isn’t sliced & served. What’s the point? Cake is for eating!

I hate fancy iced cakes in the shape of something (a Louis Vuitton handbag) that are whisked home ad they’re “too good” to eat. Probably shite, dry sponge inside, but still...

[quote jasminoide]@strangersintheday yes, the biscuits are a present for the host. I would feel offended if someone came to my house with a packet of biscuits thinking that we were going to eat them, it's implying that I don't have anything to give the guests.[/quote]
Guests and host doesn't apply when it's Mandy from 3 doors down popping in for a chat about the dishy new teacher at primary school or what happened on EastEnders last week or your Dad's recent operation. That's just friends or close family. No one is hosting if you're shoving some biscuits on a plate and popping the kettle on