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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

344 replies

NonShallot · 01/07/2021 16:23

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

OP posts:
Sh05 · 01/07/2021 16:50

I always open up to share but have seen others do differently and put the stuff away. We had friends over once who brought some really expensive chocolates over. The men were in the other room and we were in the kitchen/ garden with the kids playing.
My oh opened the box and took it to share, we never did see the restBlush, they polished the whole box off!

ShoppingBasket · 01/07/2021 16:51

I'd always open them generally. If I bring something to someone I specify what it's for "there's something for you later" "I brought something to go with our tea". Or I might just take whatever out of my bag and open them on table.
If something else is provided instead of what I've brought I wouldn't be put out.

saraclara · 01/07/2021 16:51

After it happened the first time, I'd say "I've brought these for us to share"
But of course if it was clear that the host had already bought or made something nice, I would expect to eat and appreciate her cakes and leave her with mine for later. Because if I'd got nice things in for a visitor, I'd feel a bit sad if they wanted theirs instead.

saraclara · 01/07/2021 16:53

@stealthninjamum

Op this is an interesting thread, the same has happened to me and I’ve often wondered the etiquette.

Likewise, if you take wine to someone’s house of an evening are you supposed to drink it or drink theirs?

Wine is different. It's very probable that the host has selected wine to complement the meal. So if it doesn't get drunk, that's no problem. It's just a gift.
Anonymous48 · 01/07/2021 16:53

I would probably assume it was a gift for me (and my family) to enjoy when we chose to.

Backhills · 01/07/2021 16:55

I'd see that they belong to you if you brought them and it would be perfectly normal for you to open them.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/07/2021 16:55

@Anonymous48

I would probably assume it was a gift for me (and my family) to enjoy when we chose to.
Would you really? While your guest sat there with a solitary cup of tea? That's quite embarrassing.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/07/2021 16:57

Do they not offer anything to go with the tea after they invited you over? That's rude AF. I'd stop going there for tea, honestly.

bookworm20 · 01/07/2021 16:57

If a friend came over for tea and bought baked goods, I would serve them along with the tea.

LuxOlente · 01/07/2021 16:58

Def rude of them! They're for eating, not stuffing into your kids when the friend hasn't even left yet.

Lottie4 · 01/07/2021 17:00

With my friends, everything just gets put in the middle to help yourselves to, although the host normally has a couple of backups! Next time, wait for the drinks to come out and get out anything you've taken, help yourself first if you'd really like one and pass them around.

LH1987 · 01/07/2021 17:01

Weird, I would definitely offer them.

Are they both maybe on diets and don’t want to open them as they don’t want to be rude and not take one?

Donkydinky · 01/07/2021 17:01

Where I live, you might not open the cake that the visitor brought because you wouldn't want to make it seem like that's the only reason you asked them over. Odd but things aren't fussed over. They're put in a corner. You aren't offered a cup of tea until you've been there a while because it can't seem like you're being hurried through the visit. Likewise the visitor is not to make a fuss of anything or they might find themselves walking out with it.

Backhills · 01/07/2021 17:01

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Do they not offer anything to go with the tea after they invited you over? That's rude AF. I'd stop going there for tea, honestly.
I don't offer snacks with coffee because we all eat too many snacks and everyone I know is trying to cut down.

Silly me thought when friends come here for "tea" or if I go to them, it's mostly about the chat rather than what's served.

Lunificent · 01/07/2021 17:02

My MIL told me about going for Christmas lunch to relatives. She took a bottle of wine for the meal. The host took it from her and put it away. They all had his home made cider with their turkey lunch, while she looked longingly at the cupboard.

Ninkanink · 01/07/2021 17:03

God that’s so rude! And quite embarrassing that some people wouldn’t even think to offer some back to have with the tea/coffee.

Wine is very different - that’s a gift to the host, not necessarily to be drunk on the same occasion (unless it’s a BYOB).

@NonShallot In future I think you’ll have to bring baked goods in a cake tin and offer them round.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 01/07/2021 17:03

Wouldn’t cross my mind not to open them and share. I’d never save them for later!

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2021 17:04

Next time just say I got these for us to eat with our tea, yum I’m starving.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/07/2021 17:04

I don't offer snacks with coffee because we all eat too many snacks and everyone I know is trying to cut down.
When you've invited someone over for coffee is not the time to cut down. If you eat too much, cut it out on your own time.
God! 😂

Lunificent · 01/07/2021 17:04

Did they offer any of their own biscuits, or did you just have tea?

allfineanddandytillitsnot · 01/07/2021 17:05

As everyone else has said, emphasise that you've brought them to eat over your cuppa. I'd say "let's get the cakes opened, then" or something along those lines if the host wasn't forthcoming!

Pinot4evs · 01/07/2021 17:05

Sounds like your friend thought they were a gift for her children. In future maybe say ‘I fetched us some treats to have with tea’ be explicit rather than seething about it afterwards!

Backhills · 01/07/2021 17:06

I can't t be the only one. I had coffee at a friend's this very morning and that's what we had. Coffee.

My mum's just been round for tea, it never occured to me to offer her a biscuit and I never get one at their house.

cansu · 01/07/2021 17:07

weird. Yes, of course you would share them out. People are very very odd.

BastardMonkfish · 01/07/2021 17:08

@stealthninjamum

Op this is an interesting thread, the same has happened to me and I’ve often wondered the etiquette.

Likewise, if you take wine to someone’s house of an evening are you supposed to drink it or drink theirs?

Share a bottle of theirs, then you both work through yours. Hopefully they have a third too Grin
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