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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

344 replies

NonShallot · 01/07/2021 16:23

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/07/2021 09:31

I'm staggered at how easily offended so many mumsnetters are.

Please don't be offended if someone brings goodies to your house. It is no reflection on your hospitality (or lack of). It is just a nice thing to do. Accept it at face value and don't overthink it.

SamW98 · 03/07/2021 09:32

I can't believe that we've got to the stage of discussing formal Etiquette and quoting Debretts regarding dropping into a mates for a cuppa

My friends and I are so casual about this sort of thing. We often turn up at each others with food, wine etc and will just say 'come on open the bottle' or we will just put the food we bought on the table to start munching.

IMI, there's no real right or wrong but I can't imagine not feeling comfortable enough with my friends to just say 'lets eat those cakes/biscuits I bought while we chat'

Schrutesbeets · 03/07/2021 09:32

I would immediately open, but there was once a friend brought a cake and I was serving lunch, genuinely forgot about the cake until they'd left and I clocked it on the kitchen side. I felt embarrassed for forgetting, but I also felt strange that the friend hadn't said to open it. So YABU to have not said 'oi open the biccies I brought'. Could friend have been dieting and been embarrassed to talk about it?

Ddot · 03/07/2021 09:34

I take back my etiquette post, I'm obviously common as muck cos if I invited someone for a cuppa I'd have a snack ready and if said guest brought cake I wouldnt think it was a gift and keep for myself. 🤪

Mattsmum2 · 03/07/2021 09:59

Bring them out when tea is served, or say I’ve got some sweet stuff to have with our drinks!

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2021 12:22

Precisely. So it would never happen. No one would ever bring baked goods to mine if I invited them over for coffee because I would provide home made baked goods. Because I'm not a rubbish host.
Unless you always have home made baked goods in the pantry though @Remoulade, isn't all very formal? No spontaneous pop in for a cuppa now as there's no time to bake, no oh I was walking past do you wanna put the kettle on. When @CeeceeBloomingdale pops into mine for a cuppa, I'm just going to pop to the loo first to make sure DS flushed

CeeceeBloomingdale · 03/07/2021 12:49

@SleepingStandingUp I'll boil the kettle and plate up my shop bought cakes for us while you do that

Ninkanink · 03/07/2021 12:58

It’s clearly very different if it’s your mates coming round or you going to theirs, very informal, which is the basis on which I originally answered.

If there’s already a selection of baked goods then no, I wouldn’t expect mine to be opened, but I also wouldn’t bring anything if that were the case. It sounded as if OP was just left there drinking her tea/coffee with nothing at all to have with it. I’d never have a friend over without offering cake/biscuits with hot drinks as well as lunch if it’s lunch time.

Ninkanink · 03/07/2021 13:25

(But if it’s a good friend I suppose you could have just asked them for one!)

In any case you now know to always, always make it clear you’ve brought them to have with the drinks!

Also, I want muffins.

Remoulade · 03/07/2021 13:30

@SleepingStandingUp

Precisely. So it would never happen. No one would ever bring baked goods to mine if I invited them over for coffee because I would provide home made baked goods. Because I'm not a rubbish host. Unless you always have home made baked goods in the pantry though *@Remoulade, isn't all very formal? No spontaneous pop in for a cuppa now as there's no time to bake, no oh I was walking past do you wanna put the kettle on. When @CeeceeBloomingdale* pops into mine for a cuppa, I'm just going to pop to the loo first to make sure DS flushed
No one just pops by here tbf. We live in a tiny village over half an hour away from any family or friends, if anyone is around here, they would just be here to visit. Plus I would be pretty frantic if someone did just pop by these days to be honest. We both work odd and mental hours while raising a toddler and will soon have another. Do people really just pop by others adults expecting a cup of tea? Unless you're child free and with a relaxed job, I can't imagine anything worse at the moment. Even if it's a Saturday you'll probably find one or both of us on our work laptops, and if not that, it'll be one of the other countless things that gets saved for the weekend.
Ninkanink · 03/07/2021 13:38

It very much depends on the individuals and what they prefer and what’s done in that particular circle. Some people love an open door policy and thrive on having as many people in and out as possible. Others are fine with close family or friends popping in on a whim.

I really don’t like people just popping in. My daughters, yes, but anyone else I much prefer it to be arranged beforehand. So if I knew people were coming round I’d always have food/refreshments/etc to offer.

PerveenMistry · 03/07/2021 13:42

@TeddingtonTrashbag

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends Maybe it’s your baked ‘treats’ they don’t like and are intending to discreetly bin when you have gobe? I hate it when people give me sugary crap but would not want to hurt their feelings by saying so.

Good point.

I eat sugary crap at Christmas and maybe a couple of ice creams in summer but otherwise don't want it in the house.

Barmychick · 03/07/2021 13:44

Very odd

Myshinynewname · 03/07/2021 13:53

I usually share but i have one dc with allergies (really common and easy to buy for). It's been 8 years now and people, including family, still turn up with food that he can't have every time. When it happens I put them away because I'm not serving treats to everyone else and expecting him to sit there with nothing.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 03/07/2021 13:55

@TeddingtonTrashbag

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends Maybe it’s your baked ‘treats’ they don’t like and are intending to discreetly bin when you have gobe? I hate it when people give me sugary crap but would not want to hurt their feelings by saying so.
Well seeing as OP said she heard her offering it to her daughter as they were leaving I'd say that wasn't the case
CeeceeBloomingdale · 03/07/2021 13:58

@Remoulade
Do people really just pop by others adults expecting a cup of tea?

Well we don't all live in small villages and have toddlers and busy jobs Confused. A lot of my friends are stay at home mums or work very part time hours. If we bump into each other on the school run and have a few hours free while kids are at nursery or school it's the most natural thing in the world to invite someone in for a cup of tea right there and then. Those with toddlers still invite you in and then they have someone else to help entertain their kid, we are very much of the opinion that it takes a village to raise a tribe. I sometimes then take my friends preschooler to mine for a play, just because the kid asked.

If someone knocks at the door and you have spare time you invite them in. It's very normal for me. My mother needs about 3 weeks advance notice of people popping around, I swore I wouldn't be like that. Wait until you have teens and you effectively have an open house!

MolyHolyGuacamole · 03/07/2021 14:00

Precisely. So it would never happen. No one would ever bring baked goods to mine if I invited them over for coffee because I would provide home made baked goods. Because I'm not a rubbish host.

I think I've stepped into a time machine and emerged back in the 50s

And it's not the fact that you're 'baking goods' instead of just going to the store, but it's the fact that your comment makes out like this is the most normal common thing to expect and to do any less is unheard of unless you want to get a 1 star review for 'hosting' abilities

Ddot · 03/07/2021 14:16

My friends and I are close enough to just ask for a biccy. But if I was asked around special and not just passing I'd bring something or ask if she wanted me to bring something all except one who is watching her weight so I'd just have tea.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 03/07/2021 14:32

@Donkydinky I find these things fascinating. In the UK it's definitely the done thing to offer tea/ a drink very quickly, or the guest might assume they weren't wanted to stay. And complimenting something in the house or something your host is wearing is a very standard 'greasing the wheels' type conversation opener!

DickKerrLadies · 03/07/2021 14:47

I'm sat here with the Confused face on wondering wtf I am reading and then I realise that you're all talking about 'going for tea' rather than 'going for a brew'. I honestly thought that going for tea with an expectation of baked goods was one of those things that Americans think we still do but we don't.

And I've always thought that if you give someone a gift it's rude to have any expectations on what they do with it, let alone to expect them to share it with you and consider you rude if you don't! Wtf?!

Ninkanink · 03/07/2021 14:55

It wasn’t a gift in this case, though. It was OP bringing along muffins.

A bottle of wine or box of chocs would be very different.

DickKerrLadies · 03/07/2021 15:18

It was OP bringing along muffins.

Then they belong to OP and OP should have opened them and offered them out. But like I say, it seems I'm in the minority here and I think some posters may expect them to be laid out on a plate whereas everyone I know would just open the packet Grin

I think muffins can be a gift though, but I've learnt from previous MN threads that gift giving/receiving ettiquette is something alien to me as well.

Fros · 03/07/2021 15:20

Without it being spelt out, I was raised not to visit empty handed - so if someone handed me a packet of biscuits at/just after arrival, that would be a hostess gift - unless the other person specifically said something like "I saw this new variety when I popped to the shops morning and thought we could try them after tea"
(Though if I was doing that, I'd also have a host/ess gift in addition. I'm not taking expensive usually something homemade or £1-£2, though the closer we are the more practical the gifts get - I've taken painkillers when I know someone needs them, and a 6pk of socks to someone who mentioned they couldn't find a matching hole-less pair)

If you plan on taking food/treats to be shared during the visit in advance, surely it's polite to let the host/hostess know so they:
Don't also buy/bake something
Haven't just eaten before you arrive
Can check/consider food allergies and intolerances

TLDR state your intentions

SamW98 · 03/07/2021 15:22

@DickKerrLadies

It was OP bringing along muffins.

Then they belong to OP and OP should have opened them and offered them out. But like I say, it seems I'm in the minority here and I think some posters may expect them to be laid out on a plate whereas everyone I know would just open the packet Grin

I think muffins can be a gift though, but I've learnt from previous MN threads that gift giving/receiving ettiquette is something alien to me as well.

I'm in your minority corner. My mates are so casual about this sort of thing we would just open them and say 'right who wants one'

I can't imagine getting into a position like the OP unless its someone I barely know

Remoulade · 03/07/2021 16:00

@MolyHolyGuacamole

Precisely. So it would never happen. No one would ever bring baked goods to mine if I invited them over for coffee because I would provide home made baked goods. Because I'm not a rubbish host.

I think I've stepped into a time machine and emerged back in the 50s

And it's not the fact that you're 'baking goods' instead of just going to the store, but it's the fact that your comment makes out like this is the most normal common thing to expect and to do any less is unheard of unless you want to get a 1 star review for 'hosting' abilities

What, supermarket stuff? I think not.

If I had a bakery anywhere near, I might go with that sometimes but I always find it quite underwhelming.

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