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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

344 replies

NonShallot · 01/07/2021 16:23

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

OP posts:

Blackcat333 · 03/07/2021 17:04

Years ago as my friends had children, I used to go to their houses and it was a thing that whatever you brought, you drank. One time another person came and because I'd brought wine and everyone else had beer, when I was chatting to the host, he had opened my bottle and shared it out amongst the guests... Even though it wasn't his house! The host said, "did you ask if that was for everyone" 😂 I had nothing to drink except the cheapest warm lager known to humanity because that is what was at the back of the cupboard.

The moral of this story is just ask 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2021 17:52

I don't get why people are buying hostess presents for their friend popping the kettle on for a cuppa.

Ninkanink · 03/07/2021 17:53

They’re not. They’re bringing something along that they fancy (probably because their friend doesn’t offer anything!).

Quirrelsotherface · 03/07/2021 17:57

I would usually have made/bought treats too and if someone brought something I'd offer everything out as I served the hot drinks. You have weird and grabby friends.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2021 18:02

@Ninkanink

They’re not. They’re bringing something along that they fancy (probably because their friend doesn’t offer anything!).

I'm bringing along something I fancy in case my friend doesn't offer anything but lots of people on here are still talking about taking a hostess gift or assuming the bag of cookies are a gift because you're presiding over the kettle

MolyHolyGuacamole · 03/07/2021 19:11

And quoting etiquette guidelines 😂 this thread is wild

Ninkanink · 03/07/2021 19:23

presiding over the kettle

scubadive · 03/07/2021 20:33

Yes very rude not to offer you one.

Cherryana · 03/07/2021 20:39

I don't eat baked things and so would not even think to open/share. I would give them to my children and husband later.
Maybe your friends are always on a diet like me.

RoseMartha · 03/07/2021 21:36

I would assume they were to eat then and share/offer then out

Fros · 04/07/2021 02:45

@SleepingStandingUp

I don't get why people are buying hostess presents for their friend popping the kettle on for a cuppa.

Because that's how I was raised - unless you had a key to the house, you didn't arrive empty handed unless it was an emergency. It didn't matter if you were there yesterday, or hadn't seen them in months. I imagine it's partly because I'm from farming stock, so there was usually a glut of something to be taken round to friends and neighbours, be it fruit, veg, eggs, mince pies, chutney, jam cuttings/seedlings etc. In fact you were quite likely to be sent home with something too.

Because I like giving small thoughtful gifts to friends and family. I often see things and think 'friend said she was looking for one of those' or 'cousin would love this'.

Because I'm also terribly practical so if someone has mentioned a small inconvenience and it's something I can help with or fix, I do. If you've run out or need something and I'm coming round, why wouldn't I bring it with me?
(Though this is also because I have a low tolerance for whining - if something is wrong, do something productive, or shut up about it)

MolyHolyGuacamole · 04/07/2021 10:29

@Cherryana

I don't eat baked things and so would not even think to open/share. I would give them to my children and husband later. Maybe your friends are always on a diet like me.

So because you don't eat them your friend can't either? Surely if your diet can withstand your husband eating them it will hold up offering your friend a treat? I can't believe that people are so self-cantered and cannot think of what another person might want

SleepingStandingUp · 04/07/2021 10:51

@Cherryana

I don't eat baked things and so would not even think to open/share. I would give them to my children and husband later. Maybe your friends are always on a diet like me.

If you don't eat baked things, why would you assume your friend has brought your husband a sweet treat for later to say thank you for you boiling the kettle?

Remoulade · 04/07/2021 11:04

you don't eat baked things, why would you assume your friend has brought your husband a sweet treat for later to say thank you for you boiling the kettle

Imagine thinking you're getting a bag of muffins in exchange for a cheap cup of tea.
Hell, even if you give the guest a cup of Harvey Nichols tea it won't be more than 50p.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/07/2021 11:21

See the here's something I had extra or here's something I know you were looking for makes snes @fros but then presumably you'd do 5hat if 5hey visited you or you met somewhere else. It isn't an actual "In thanks for you boiling water" . If every time you came over you were buying a box of chocs or something random just to 5hank me for the 60 minutes you sit in my house drinking coffee, I'd feel more pressure to event the invites between houses or meet somewhere neutral. If I made lunch - sandwiches etc then something to share would be adequate as a "not empty handed". Dinner then hostess gift is more appropriate.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/07/2021 11:22

@Remoulade

you don't eat baked things, why would you assume your friend has brought your husband a sweet treat for later to say thank you for you boiling the kettle

Imagine thinking you're getting a bag of muffins in exchange for a cheap cup of tea.
Hell, even if you give the guest a cup of Harvey Nichols tea it won't be more than 50p.

But not even you. Your husband is getting them in exchange for you making a cuppa.

Remoulade · 04/07/2021 11:33

@SleepingStandingUp

Let's not forget the kids though. They also deserve some of the profits off that cup of tea.

Cherrysoup · 04/07/2021 12:14

I can't believe that we've got to the stage of discussing formal Etiquette and quoting Debretts regarding dropping into a mates for a cuppa

🤣 So mad! My friends and I would all expect to eat the cookies or whatever.

LidoLady · 04/07/2021 12:20

I would have baked or bought lovely cakes or biscuits already if someone was coming over for coffee. I'd probably open the offering brought by the visitor as well, but it depends on what's already prepared.

It's no big deal either way in my view, I'd not be fussed either way if I visited someone with a treat.

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