Page 12 | To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

hysteriaonthedancefloor · 02/07/2021 23:37

22:42MolyHolyGuacamole

Why are you friends with her? It sounds like you're both in a race to the bottom.

Mumsbagels · 02/07/2021 23:39

I wouldn't exactly compare a banana loaf or a pack of Italian biscuits i know they like from the local shop a candlelit dinner though 🤷‍♀️

PerveenMistry · 02/07/2021 23:51

@NonShallot

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

The etiquette is that hosts are bot obliged to open or use gifts while the giver is there.

Does anyone seriously not know this??

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2021 00:00

The etiquette is that hosts are bot obliged to open or use gifts while the giver is there.

Does anyone seriously not know this??

If your mate comes round for a cup of tea, do you seriously consider yourself to be "hosting" to such a degree as to warrant a gift? Were talking cup of tea. Not high tea.

Moomala · 03/07/2021 00:08

"I've bought some goodies we can have with the tea" is what I now always say, I've learnt my lesson the hard way too. Especially annoying when you buy something you really like for it to be put away or forgotten!

Workinghardeveryday · 03/07/2021 00:16

Gosh you lot would be dismayed - haven’t been for ages because of Covid, but when we used to go to mil she would make tea then get herself a biscuit and not offer us!! I always thought how incredibly rude but you can tell she is oblivious.
Sil came round here once and I got a new family bag of Cadbury’s nibbles out, she ate the lot without offering anyone else!!

Remoulade · 03/07/2021 01:21

@Workinghardeveryday

Gosh you lot would be dismayed - haven’t been for ages because of Covid, but when we used to go to mil she would make tea then get herself a biscuit and not offer us!! I always thought how incredibly rude but you can tell she is oblivious. Sil came round here once and I got a new family bag of Cadbury’s nibbles out, she ate the lot without offering anyone else!!

I really can't see how anyone can be that oblivious..

telvg · 03/07/2021 01:29

Definitely trying to lose weight. If she opened them, she will have scoffed the lot. Be kind!

me109f · 03/07/2021 02:15

If you bring a gift it is quite acceptable to not have them shared or offered around otherwise it is not a gift. There is an implication that she cannot offer a tea and spread for guests if you then expect the treats to be to be part of the party fare. It is up to your host to decide whether to include your treats for everyone.

However, if you bring them to be shared you must make it clear from the start that that is is your purpose to prevent embarassment.

Justonemoretouch · 03/07/2021 04:30

I would think they were for sharing while you were visiting. There have been occasions when the gifted baked goods have been slow to appear and I've spent more time during the visit than I'd like to admit wondering if the host would put them out, so I like the idea of just saying - these are for us - shall I get some plates? - when the tea is being made.

Ddot · 03/07/2021 06:17

Unfortunately etiquette is a thing forgotten to the past, you will have to state cake is to share. Walk in say hi I've bought some goodies to have with our tea, you get the kettle on and I will plate some up.

Sittinginthesand · 03/07/2021 06:32

Ddot- except that you are wrong, bringing something to share is a modern thing. Old school Debrett-reading etiquette sticklers would think it bad form and odd to bring a food or drink contribution. Not saying they’re right but my older, posher relatives wouldn’t open a baked goods contribution. They’d wonder why you’d bought it - didn’t you think they’d provide decent food? Is it a gift? Did you want to bring a gift but forget and stopped at a garage? Acceptable gifts for these sorts are things like homemade jam, home laid eggs, veg from the garden (low value, high effort, arguably symbolic of class), and clearly a gift.

Remoulade · 03/07/2021 06:47

Not saying they’re right but my older, posher relatives wouldn’t open a baked goods contribution. They’d wonder why you’d bought it - didn’t you think they’d provide decent food

Well, if all your older, posher relatives plonked down on the table was a pot of tea and cups, then the guest would be pretty damn right in thinking they wouldn't provide decent food and the bag of cookies is perfect.
If they didn't fail miserably at hosting and did in fact provide something to go with the tea, then the baked goods the guest brought can be kept as a gift for later. You would always eat what the host provides over what you yourself have brought, providing of course the host isn't rubbish at hosting.

HearMeSnore · 03/07/2021 07:08

I once got this very wrong from the other side of the situation. I was having a small tea party for my birthday and had about 6 friends round. One gave me a box of After Eights which I assumed to be a birthday present and put them on the table with the others.

Later on while I was out of the room, said friend opened them and passed them round. They were not meant to be a birthday present. They were part of the tea party.

KarmaStar · 03/07/2021 07:15

Yanbu.
Mind you I clicked on this thread as I misread it,thought it was baked beans and was puzzled as to why you'd want to share a can of beans😂

MolyHolyGuacamole · 03/07/2021 07:34

@hysteriaonthedancefloor

22:42MolyHolyGuacamole

Why are you friends with her? It sounds like you're both in a race to the bottom.

@hysteriaonthedancefloor she's easy to be 'put right', I can make a joke about it in most situations. But it's been largely helped by her moving country.

Let's not talk about the mistake I made once by visiting her however, that's a thread on its own. But the highlight of my first night was her passing out in bed drunk after we'd been for a drink, leaving me starving as I'd not eaten since lunch that day when I flew in, and she and her husband had not gone to the shops despite knowing they had a guest coming for the weekend (it was her insistence as well). Her husband watched me order kebab for us (I couldn't just order food for myself, I'm a fool) and pay the equivalent of £50 for it (very expensive European city). NEVER. AGAIN.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 03/07/2021 07:37

The etiquette is that hosts are bot obliged to open or use gifts while the giver is there.

Does anyone seriously not know this??

😂

I know this is Mumsnet, but not everyone follows the Emily Post rules for life like it's high society

MolyHolyGuacamole · 03/07/2021 07:38

@Sittinginthesand

Ddot- except that you are wrong, bringing something to share is a modern thing. Old school Debrett-reading etiquette sticklers would think it bad form and odd to bring a food or drink contribution. Not saying they’re right but my older, posher relatives wouldn’t open a baked goods contribution. They’d wonder why you’d bought it - didn’t you think they’d provide decent food? Is it a gift? Did you want to bring a gift but forget and stopped at a garage? Acceptable gifts for these sorts are things like homemade jam, home laid eggs, veg from the garden (low value, high effort, arguably symbolic of class), and clearly a gift.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 03/07/2021 07:40

@SleepingStandingUp

I think part of this is whether you consider yourself to be "hosting" or not. If my sister or my mate comes round for a cuppa, I'm not hosting. I've made sure the loo is clean and there's milk in the fridge. They're getting their drink in a mug on their lap. Were sitting feet up on the sofa if they want. They can use the toilet or put the kettle on as they wish. I'm just spending time with mates so they can Def bring cake and we'll share it

My tribe!

TeddingtonTrashbag · 03/07/2021 07:44

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends
Maybe it’s your baked ‘treats’ they don’t like and are intending to discreetly bin when you have gobe? I hate it when people give me sugary crap but would not want to hurt their feelings by saying so.

Christmasfairy2020 · 03/07/2021 07:59

Open the lid and people will take them. I don't touch them unless you open them

Sittinginthesand · 03/07/2021 08:19

Rem - the old posh relatives would always have made a cake, it’s like an instinctive reaction for them - someone’s coming round - start baking! My dm would find it really rude if someone opened some biscuits they’d brought, helped themselves to a plate and plonked them on a table, and it would never happen! Even with family, if I’d bought something I’d say ‘would you like this now or later’ and then it’s up to them.

Moly - what’s with the face? I explicitly said they weren’t right but that IS what some people think. Is it so hard to understand that different people do things differently and that what is deemed good manners changes over time?

Remoulade · 03/07/2021 08:36

@Sittinginthesand

Rem - the old posh relatives would always have made a cake, it’s like an instinctive reaction for them - someone’s coming round - start baking! My dm would find it really rude if someone opened some biscuits they’d brought, helped themselves to a plate and plonked them on a table, and it would never happen! Even with family, if I’d bought something I’d say ‘would you like this now or later’ and then it’s up to them.

Moly - what’s with the face? I explicitly said they weren’t right but that IS what some people think. Is it so hard to understand that different people do things differently and that what is deemed good manners changes over time?

Precisely. So it would never happen. No one would ever bring baked goods to mine if I invited them over for coffee because I would provide home made baked goods. Because I'm not a rubbish host.

CookieRoll · 03/07/2021 09:09

@Sittinginthesand

Ddot- except that you are wrong, bringing something to share is a modern thing. Old school Debrett-reading etiquette sticklers would think it bad form and odd to bring a food or drink contribution. Not saying they’re right but my older, posher relatives wouldn’t open a baked goods contribution. They’d wonder why you’d bought it - didn’t you think they’d provide decent food? Is it a gift? Did you want to bring a gift but forget and stopped at a garage? Acceptable gifts for these sorts are things like homemade jam, home laid eggs, veg from the garden (low value, high effort, arguably symbolic of class), and clearly a gift.

This, absolutely... The host may get offended that the guest didn't think there'd be enough food. Bringing food with you specifically to eat where you go is a bit.. Don't know, not classy... Going over to your close friend to do an activity together is different of course. Depends on context.

Christmasfairy2020 · 03/07/2021 09:19

My friend came recently with a picnic full of fruit and lots of chocolate etx. Last time she came I hadn't been shopping

This time she came I had lots of rubbish etx in 😆