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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

344 replies

NonShallot · 01/07/2021 16:23

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

OP posts:
Summerdayshaze · 01/07/2021 23:22

Definitely to share.

VestaTilley · 01/07/2021 23:24

YABU. Traditionally you take a gift to the host- it’s then up to them what they do with it/if or when they open it.

Admittedly the etiquette of informal tea together has moved on a lot, but I wouldn’t be too surprised at what you’re describing. Just be clearer next time if you want to eat some there and then!

FrangipaniBlue · 01/07/2021 23:24

Can people please stop referring to biscuits and cakes as snacks and food because they are neither!!!!

I think you will find that biscuits and cake are "accompaniments" for tea and coffee and thus should ALWAYS be shared and eaten during the drinking of said tea and coffee Grin

LopsidedWombat · 01/07/2021 23:25

I would have thought it was obvious to share. However if it happened to me I'd just say something! "where have you hidden those doughnuts" or whatever. You did say this was happening with friends so fine to say something!

RavingAnnie · 01/07/2021 23:30

I find it weird that you don't just say "hand over one of the muffin's then" or similar. Why are you so overly polite/formal with someone that's meant to be a friend? Very weird.

It's also weird that they didn't open them a I would also assume they were to have with the tea/coffee.

The whole scenario is very odd tbh.

Mistressofnone · 01/07/2021 23:36

That must have been frustrating. I'd have felt very shortchanged and hungry, leaving full of nothing but tea.

I once nice took a box of 12 cupcakes to a friend's gathering. Her boyfriend transferred them to his 'treat tin' then brought out a box of broken biscuits.

Crystalcrazy · 01/07/2021 23:39

Once went to a friends house on an evening where all guests took a variety of nibbles and drinks. We handed them to the host upon entering where they were promptly stored away in the hosts cupboards and fridge. None of the items reappeared over the course of the evening and we all sat with one drink, mine was a bottle of soft drink I’d bought from the shop on the way there. I honestly could not believe it but I’m sure the host enjoyed the snacks and drinks over the following days Hmm

RampantIvy · 01/07/2021 23:45

Why didn't anyone say anything @Crystalcrazy?

There are some pretty unassertive people on this thread.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 23:49

@RampantIvy

Why didn't anyone say anything *@Crystalcrazy*?

There are some pretty unassertive people on this thread.

People have weird friendships on MN.
Crystalcrazy · 01/07/2021 23:58

I think we were all just expecting the host to go into the kitchen and start to bring out the food and drinks. I don’t think any of us really believed they wouldn’t at some point. So we kept waiting and waiting. After a few hours I made my excuses and left, I had turned up virtually straight after work with no time to have dinner and was starving. Called in at a shop on the way home and bought a sandwich.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 02/07/2021 00:11

I don't even hand them over I open them and put them on the table. Then take one about 10 seconds later and then offer the packet to the host.

Staffy1 · 02/07/2021 00:11

I would assume they were brought to be shared with the tea and would always open and offer anything brought, but have had the same thing as you, where the hosts just shoved the stuff away for their personal consumption later.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 00:12

@DeflatedGinDrinker

I don't even hand them over I open them and put them on the table. Then take one about 10 seconds later and then offer the packet to the host.
You can have coffee at mine
SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 00:13

@Sittinginthesand

My parents, gps, ggps,gggps, ggggps also uk. My grandmother would have thought it was completely extraordinary if someone had turned up with biscuits. She’d have mentioned it every time their name came up.
So a class thing?
ThinWomansBrain · 02/07/2021 00:47

bit like taking a good bottle of wine, but being offered cheap plonk.
Or water.

Remoulade · 02/07/2021 01:11

@Backhills

I can't t be the only one. I had coffee at a friend's this very morning and that's what we had. Coffee.

My mum's just been round for tea, it never occured to me to offer her a biscuit and I never get one at their house.

Quite weird to be honest. I would be embarrassed to not offer something to go with the tea/coffee.
hellogem · 02/07/2021 01:22

I would say upon handing it t them, hey I got some cookies/muffins to have with our tea.
What did you say when you gave it to them? It seems they thought it's a gift for them. Did they offer any of their own treats with the tea?

I once had my Bil and sil over, she very kindly baked brownies, I made a lot of snack food, fried stuff, wraps, chicken wings etc, then later served tea with my dessert. It's when they left that I realised the brownies have been left to the side and I had forgotten all about it!! I definitely would've served it along side my own treat had I remembered, I felt terrible! I text her to thank her for the brownies and apologise for not serving any!!

Also to add I know in some cultures it's disliked to serve treats/snacks the guest has bought over.

hellogem · 02/07/2021 01:35

@Goatinthegarden wow you were there for 6 hours and not offered any food??? I would've left a lot sooner. The cheek to say bring your own drinks and then rob you of your snacks. In your case I would've held on to my snacks, seen as you were bringing your own drinks, then share it once opened in the garden.

3Britnee · 02/07/2021 06:54

@DeflatedGinDrinker

I don't even hand them over I open them and put them on the table. Then take one about 10 seconds later and then offer the packet to the host.
This is the correct 'etiquette' 👍😂
Backhills · 02/07/2021 06:58

All I can say is no wonder we have an obesity issue. I don't want cake everytime I have a coffee with friends and neither do they. If you buy it to be polite, do they then have to eat it to be polite or does it go to waste?

Remoulade · 02/07/2021 07:04

@Backhills

All I can say is no wonder we have an obesity issue. I don't want cake everytime I have a coffee with friends and neither do they. If you buy it to be polite, do they then have to eat it to be polite or does it go to waste?
"No wonder we have an obesity problem". Lol.

You offer it if you're a good host, it doesn't mean you or the guest has to eat it. It's fine to say no thanks but it isn't fine to be a rubbish host.

Backhills · 02/07/2021 07:09

But if no one eats it, it will go to waste. People pop in here for coffee practically daily. They obviously don't think I'm that rude Grin

It seems odd to me that a friend or neighbour coming in for coffee is such an "event". Just enjoy the chat with your friends.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 07:15

All I can say is no wonder we have an obesity issue.

Indeed, but it's more due to that attitude than anything else. The idea of evil food and inability to understand reasonable portions is not healthy and doesn't bring good results.

Backhills · 02/07/2021 07:19

@kindaclassy

All I can say is no wonder we have an obesity issue.

Indeed, but it's more due to that attitude than anything else. The idea of evil food and inability to understand reasonable portions is not healthy and doesn't bring good results.

But cake and biscuits every time you have coffee is not normal portions or a balanced diet.

Anyway, people seem to like coming here for coffee. I had two yesterday and also had tea in a friend's garden after our run. She didn't offer anything to eat either. I have another coming this afternoon.

Remoulade · 02/07/2021 07:24

@Backhills

Chuck it in the freezer for when the yearly treat-day comes round.

Jesus christ, where does the time for that come from? I have a full time job, a toddler and a baby on the way and a husband I want to spend time with. I couldn't fit a coffee with a friend in more than a couple of times a month if I tried. Actually, a couple of times a month is pushing it.