To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

[NonShallot]

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

I would open a gift like that and share straight away. Next time, you’ll have to say something like ‘I’ve brought us some goodies to share. You make the tea and I’ll put the muffins on a plate.’

... but I always think it does look pretty mingey/stingy to squirrel away a food gift. I always think ‘tight git’

@Sceptre86

I would have something in either homemade or shop bought of I knew you were coming over. Unless you specifically said, 'these are for us', I would think you had bought them for my family. I am probably the opposite on most people on here but think it is rude to expect the host to serve whatever you have bought just so that you can eat it especially of they already have bought treats to offer you.

I can't understand not offering at least biscuits with a cup of tea or coffee to a friend especially if it isn't an unplanned visit.

No I agree. I put a lot of thought an effort into the treats I offer when people are coming over (specifically remembering what they like or baking something myself) if someone came to visit and brought some cookies from the bakery and opened and started to eat them I would actually think it was a bit rude to be honest. But then I would never have someone over and not provide them with sweet treats so this whole thing is a bit alien to me.

I've said in the past ' saw these cookies/cakes/ éclairs and really fancied one - knew you would too'

Wow if I took cakes to my friends we would both be on them straight away!! Fat bastards

@Lindorfestival

I do this a lot by accident! I just forget to open them- I wouldn't normally eat a snack with my coffee so I put it down and forget. Or think 'I'll open in a bit' but then forget. I am now trying to make an effort to remember. It's not me being purposely rude.

Although I also don't expected to be offered food I brought round to someone's house to be opened - if I bring something it would just be considered a gift!

Who brings a gift when going to a friends for a coffee though? We aren't talking a dinner here. If it's a dinner you bring a gift and don't expect to have any of the gift.

A lot of people don’t eat cakes/biscuits as snacks. They might have felt opening them and then not eating one was rude. You need to make it clear if they are for sharing and not a present.

In some cultures serving what the guest brought may seem like the host didn't prepare for the guests properly. Also, in general, if a host is bringing a gift, why is the host expecting to eat the gift?

I would share personally , but just saying there may well be other perspectives here...

Also, in general, if a host is bringing a gift, why is the host expecting to eat the gift?

Sorry, replace host with "guest" above, had a long day...

" I put a lot of thought an effort into the treats I offer when people are coming over (specifically remembering what they like or baking something myself) if someone came to visit and brought some cookies from the bakery and opened and started to eat them I would actually think it was a bit rude to be honest. But then I would never have someone over and not provide them with sweet treats so this whole thing is a bit alien to me."

Sounds like it was an informal cup of tea not Hyacinth Bucket's candlelight supper.

TBH I think let the host be a host and then if you want to get cakes etc then invite everyone to your place next time

I have often bought in stuff when people come over and it’s been thought through. On occasions when people turn up with biscuits or the like when I’ve already opened packets I can either- drown us in biscuits or just accept theirs and save them for later. I’ve definitely done the latter as when I’ve done the former the kids think it’s a free for all and gobble up everything, then fail to eat real food later. If I hadn’t bought anything, sure fair enough open them up. Equally I don’t like to turn up empty handed but quite a few people I know just don’t eat goodies so they get left on the side.

This really could be about dictating the use of a gift.
I don't expect wine I may bring to be used with a meal the host has prepared.
Once given, the giver does not dictate use of the gift.

@Daphnise

This really could be about dictating the use of a gift. I don't expect wine I may bring to be used with a meal the host has prepared. Once given, the giver does not dictate use of the gift.

A couple of cream cakes when you've been invited for coffee could hardly be assumed to be a gift. I'm with you on the wine.

I find some people’s attitude to cakes and biscuits extremely strange.
They are treated as a big deal, very naughty things to be doled out and rationed carefully.
It’s almost as if they can’t behave normally around confectionary.
Not sharing is rude and odd, but not uncommon.
I once went to a family birthday picnic in the US. Aunt brought a smallish cake, 30 or 40 people there.
Aunt guarded cake all day, it remained in its plastic package and was taken home at end of the day unused.
I made it a point every day after that to stop a a lovely bakery that did regular cakes and amazing ice cream cakes, buy the largest most elaborate cake and leave it out for everyone in the home to help themselves to.We lived in a triple decker family house, so lots of us and I almost made it a personal mission to have everyone view cakes as normal unremarkable items for tucking in to and enjoying.
Have been to two children’s birthday parties in UK, where cakes were never cut, candles blown out, Happy Birthday sung and cakes whisked away.I have also seen the remainder of cut cakes being taken home. I want every crumb of my DCs cakes used at the party by the guests.
I happily buy a separate family cake, rather than find myself greedily grappling a bit of sponge cake from children.
People are very stingy with wedding cakes. My six year brother was horrified to see a wedding cake being cut in fingers and shouted out “ When I get married, I’ll cut the cake in big chunks!”
I hate the idea of tiers of wedding cake being saved.If you want to do that, keep those tiers away from the wedding reception.
All food and drink displayed to guests is for guests and all food and drink brought to your home by guests is to share with those guests.

@MidsummerMimi

I always thought the very top tier of a wedding cake was the one to be saved and everyone knew that and you had more tiers depending on the size of the wedding so every guest could get a slice?

My six year brother was horrified to see a wedding cake being cut in fingers and shouted out “ When I get married, I’ll cut the cake in big chunks!”
Let that be motivation to him to get a good job then so he can afford a wedding cake that gives 150 guests a good slice of cake 🍰🥰

I think part of this is whether you consider yourself to be "hosting" or not. If my sister or my mate comes round for a cuppa, I'm not hosting. I've made sure the loo is clean and there's milk in the fridge. They're getting their drink in a mug on their lap. Were sitting feet up on the sofa if they want. They can use the toilet or put the kettle on as they wish. I'm just spending time with mates so they can Def bring cake and we'll share it

@Goatinthegarden

Oh this! A friend and I went around to another work friend’s garden just as lockdown was easing. We went at three in the afternoon, we had been asked to bring our own drinks which we did, and we both brought a selection of snacks to share with the host.

At about 9pm after much drinking, we had to leave because the snacks had been put away never to be seen again and we were ready to chew our arms off. We got chips on the walk home and discussed how odd it was (and that we should probably have said something!).

Is your work colleague my friend? I've only had this trick played a couple times though, I now boldly go to the cupboard where she's placed my snacks and share them up. She's an overall CF but particularly loves controlling food. She once ordered a bottle of wine for the table without asking our opinion, poured a few drops for us each, and proceeded to place the bottle next to her. I stretched over to grab it and fill my glass up properly.

She's also always checking to make sure everyone has the same amount too, she won't have you getting one more crisp than her! Must be so exhausting.

@Aprilx

If somebody was coming to me for tea, I would assume that I am providing the tea and anything to eat with it.

I would therefore assume you had brought a gift as I would think it pretty rude that you brought food over as if my offerings were somehow lacking.

Bizarre.

@Powertothepetal

That is odd and quite rude As is common on this kind of thread on mumsnet, why don't people communicate with each other? This kind of thing never happens to me because my friends and I actually talk to each other Tbh, this is precisely why I have DH, my kids and my dogs and why I make no real attempt whatsoever to have friends/socialise. I can’t be doing with all these silly secret unwritten rules.

I would assume it was a gift and would be quite upset to find out the person actually thought I was odd and rude.

If I brought wine, chocolates, muffins, whatever, I would intend them as a gift.

If I actually wanted to eat them I’d make it clear; ‘I brought these nice cookies to share, thought they’d go well with our tea’

But even if it was intended as a gift...why wouldn't you share it? It's biscuits FGS, no need to be so precious about it

@sergeilavrov

I did a less stuffy form of finishing school, and was taught gifts brought to tea must not be expected for consumption, as it can disrupt the host’s plans and means things won’t go smoothly in terms of plates etc. To avoid putting pressure on a host, apparently you’re supposed to bring flowers or a plant.

Another nugget I picked up is that wine brought to dinner parties is kept until later, not to be served at the dinner party. Hosts will have catered appropriately, and suggesting otherwise is rude.

It's a cup of tea, not a 12 course dinner and masked ball

Ive been the person who has done this.
A friend brought cakes to my house before and they’ve been put in the kitchen and we've sat in the lounge then after they left I thought oh no we forgot the cakes, maybe she had done the same.

@sergeilavrov

I did a less stuffy form of finishing school, and was taught gifts brought to tea must not be expected for consumption, as it can disrupt the host’s plans and means things won’t go smoothly in terms of plates etc. To avoid putting pressure on a host, apparently you’re supposed to bring flowers or a plant. Another nugget I picked up is that wine brought to dinner parties is kept until later, not to be served at the dinner party. Hosts will have catered appropriately, and suggesting otherwise is rude.

But there's a difference between "hosting tea" and your mate coming round for a brew with a bag of cookies

If you call a banana loaf and make some Italian biscuits from the local shop a candlelit supper then fair enough 😉