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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just leave DCs in their rooms all summer?

297 replies

Lalallama · 01/07/2021 15:30

It feels as though its getting more and more difficult to find things to do with the DCs now they're older (12 and 14) and I've started to dread the summer holidays. We have no holiday booked (cancelled due to Covid) and the DCs just don't seem to want to do anything. I'd be completely happy if they just hung out with their friends all summer but neither of them ever want to see friends Sad. I've suggested things we could do together (cinema, beach, Go Ape, escape room, etc) and they're not particularly enthusiastic about any of them so I don't want to spend loads of money on something they don't really want to do. They're not interested in bike rides or anything outdoorsy.

At weekend they just stay in their rooms apart from coming out for meals or helping with washing up, etc. They seem quite happy doing this, although occasionally say they're bored but can't think what they would like to do.

Do I just accept they're introverted and happy to spend the summer alone, or do I try to drag them out to get some fresh air and exercise even though nobody really wants to? I'm saying 'I' as DH and I are taking several days each off work so I'm just thinking about the days I'm with them, although much of the time the DCs will be have to be keeping themselves entertained while we're both working anyway.

It just feels so different from what their friends do or what I used to do as a child and feels a bit unhealthy.

OP posts:
cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 14:38

@Bryonyshcmyony

Of course it holds people back. My kids all needed to work for a year before university to earn money, hopefully the OPs kids will learn how to interact with people before then. Unless she's happy to support them fully financially.
I mean, you can work at 18 without having done loads of volunteering or other jobs at aged 12, lol.

I never did volunteer work, nor did I work as a student due to MH issues. I managed to get a job straight out of university and worked my way into management fairly quickly. I only left to set up my own business. It really doesn't appear to have held me back in the slightest.

I think there is an undertone on here that extroverts are more successful and so, all introverted people should be bullied pushed into doing things they don't enjoy because it makes other people feel better for some reason.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 15:15

You are being extreme. The 14 year old isn't likely to actively want a part time job if she hates leaving the house. Probably worth working on it. And volunteering is a good way to do it.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 15:16

And no parent in their right mind would suggest their NT child didn't work or volunteer for anything until they left uni.

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 15:21

@Bryonyshcmyony

And no parent in their right mind would suggest their NT child didn't work or volunteer for anything until they left uni.
Oh, well I'll inform my parents right away Grin

Honestly, children can cope just fine without going volunteering or working in McDonald's as teenagers. It's really not vital for entering the world of work as an adult, and it really doesn't make any difference long-term.

Plenty of people don't work as teenagers and seem to manage to hold down a job just fine.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 15:21

It's rather sad if you can't think of an activity that your introvert child would enjoy. Being introvert doesn't mean you have to be locked up in a room for 2 months.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 15:24

Honestly, children can cope just fine without going volunteering or working in McDonald's as teenagers. It's really not vital for entering the world of work as an adult, and it really doesn't make any difference long-term.

actually, looking at the CVs that end up on my desk, it really does make a difference.

Who do you think will be picked first for that internship or that first job, or even that place in a course? the one with an empty CV or the one with some experience and /or interest?

And the whole thing goes from there. Of course it matters.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/07/2021 15:26

Does it matter?

All our 3 have got really really prestigious jobs. None of them volunteered or worked in McDonalds……

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 15:31

@kindaclassy

Honestly, children can cope just fine without going volunteering or working in McDonald's as teenagers. It's really not vital for entering the world of work as an adult, and it really doesn't make any difference long-term.

actually, looking at the CVs that end up on my desk, it really does make a difference.

Who do you think will be picked first for that internship or that first job, or even that place in a course? the one with an empty CV or the one with some experience and /or interest?

And the whole thing goes from there. Of course it matters.

Well I can only speak for myself, but I got a job straight out of university and worked my way up to management within two years. I never did volunteer work or student activities or worked in McDonald's.

I now run a successful business, work part-time hours for a full-time salary and have a fantastic work-life balance. I'm also very happy.

I really don't feel as though working in McDonald's or volunteering at the local stables would have made any difference long-term. I think many people will tell themselves that, though, as we live in a society where the extrovert is king, so choosing not to be "busy" is some kind of moral failing to some people, lol.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 15:31

It really makes a difference. I would choose someone with work or volunteering over someone who has done nothing except school. Who wouldn't?

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 15:34

@Bryonyshcmyony

It really makes a difference. I would choose someone with work or volunteering over someone who has done nothing except school. Who wouldn't?
Everyone has to start somewhere.

I'm afraid I just don't see the long-term benefit of working in McDonald's or volunteering at a stables. You clearly disagree, but I managed to get a job just fine without any kind of volunteer experience.

Anyway, once you get your first job, nobody really pays any attention to what you did at school or whether you got your DofE award. I hired people as part of my last job and none of that was relevant to me at all.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/07/2021 15:36

I’d be more interested in their abilities than their middle class volunteering.

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 15:36

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Does it matter?

All our 3 have got really really prestigious jobs. None of them volunteered or worked in McDonalds……

Exactly lol. Of course it doesn't matter. It's just something people like to tell themselves to justify their parental choices imo.
cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 15:36

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’d be more interested in their abilities than their middle class volunteering.
Ha, yep.
Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 15:37

Well, you were very lucky not to have to supplement your income until you left uni. I'm surprised you think you are typical enough to give advice. The only teens I know who have never worked are the ones with very rich parents.

BluebirdHill · 02/07/2021 15:38

@BarbarianMum

On the contrary I think you are probably quite privileged if you can afford to let your kids flop about for 6 weeks as teens. When I was young we all had holiday jobs.
One is 12! Come on now. You can't even get a debit card. As a few pp have said, 12 is a very tricky age to deal with re summer holidays and general independence.
Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 15:38

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’d be more interested in their abilities than their middle class volunteering.
And how would you judge their abilities if they've done literally nothing but school?
kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 15:41

Gosh it's pretty grim. Months of lockdown, and a summer holiday stuck at home doing nothing. I do feel sorry for the kids.

You are only 12 or 14 once, What a waste of a summer.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 15:42

It's not just about working in a McD or not. It's the depressing aspect of being locked up in your bedroom when you could be enjoying yourself.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/07/2021 15:43

And the teen years are about rejecting your parents values. I suspect ‘volunteering’ is a parent value.

I’d be more interested in the kid who’d spent hours drawing in his room tbh. At least he’d have creativity.

And for poorer kids, life is about surviving, not about having parents who can drive them to volunteer at the stables ( only on mumsnet!)

There was a thread on here about personal statements, and how applicants are no longer supposed to talk about clubs and activities as it’s white middle class privilege.

I’d put volunteering in with that.

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 15:44

@Bryonyshcmyony

Well, you were very lucky not to have to supplement your income until you left uni. I'm surprised you think you are typical enough to give advice. The only teens I know who have never worked are the ones with very rich parents.
I appreciate I was lucky, but I am far from the only one. Only on MN do I see people insisting that teenagers have to have jobs or go out volunteering.

OP hasn't said her children need to earn money or that they need jobs anyway. She's just asking whether she should make them do things outside of the house - that doesn't have to mean getting a job. She may be happy with them going to the park or the beach with friends instead.

Anyway, one of them is 12 years old - what job do you think they're likely to get at that age? Even the 14 year old is going to struggle to find anything beyond maybe washing dishes in a café or pub.

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 15:45

@kindaclassy

It's not just about working in a McD or not. It's the depressing aspect of being locked up in your bedroom when you could be enjoying yourself.
Maybe they DO find that enjoyable, though?

You're not some kind of failure because you enjoy spending your free time reading or playing on the computer.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/07/2021 15:45

By how they communicated in the interview.
By how they maintained eye contact
By how interesting they seemed as a person.

Volunteering would mean nothing to me. It would just show a compliant child doing as their parents thought best.

I’d be more interested in a bit of passion and angst. It shows independence.

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 15:47

Volunteering would mean nothing to me. It would just show a compliant child doing as their parents thought best.

Exactly. A child doing loads of activities as a teenager isn't really proof of much beyond being privileged enough to have parents who could afford to pay for those things in the first place.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/07/2021 15:49

I’d much rather a student be engaged and interested in their art/ novels/ music/ games/ manga than be a volunteer.

At least they’d have a passion.

workwoes123 · 02/07/2021 15:50

I hear you. DS 14 is off school now. He's super sociable but most of his friends have already left the sityto spend summer with grandparents. But online socialising / What's App etc has taken the place of a lot of face-to-face socialising and this was very reinforced during the lockdowns unfortunately. He's perfectly happy going between phone, tv and PS4 and watching videos, chatting to friends on WA or Facetime etc. It's a battle to even get him dressed atm.

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