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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just leave DCs in their rooms all summer?

297 replies

Lalallama · 01/07/2021 15:30

It feels as though its getting more and more difficult to find things to do with the DCs now they're older (12 and 14) and I've started to dread the summer holidays. We have no holiday booked (cancelled due to Covid) and the DCs just don't seem to want to do anything. I'd be completely happy if they just hung out with their friends all summer but neither of them ever want to see friends Sad. I've suggested things we could do together (cinema, beach, Go Ape, escape room, etc) and they're not particularly enthusiastic about any of them so I don't want to spend loads of money on something they don't really want to do. They're not interested in bike rides or anything outdoorsy.

At weekend they just stay in their rooms apart from coming out for meals or helping with washing up, etc. They seem quite happy doing this, although occasionally say they're bored but can't think what they would like to do.

Do I just accept they're introverted and happy to spend the summer alone, or do I try to drag them out to get some fresh air and exercise even though nobody really wants to? I'm saying 'I' as DH and I are taking several days each off work so I'm just thinking about the days I'm with them, although much of the time the DCs will be have to be keeping themselves entertained while we're both working anyway.

It just feels so different from what their friends do or what I used to do as a child and feels a bit unhealthy.

OP posts:
ApplesinmyPocket · 02/07/2021 09:43

To some kids it's not 'being stuck at home', it's 'oh wow I can be at home for a bit!' - I used to love the school holidays. DM was a single parent and worked full-time; she insisted I got a job in a cake shop as a 'Saturday girl' as soon as I was old enough, which I really hated, and I wasn't that keen on the daily 6-mile cycle ride to school and back either, so the chance to just do my own thing in the holidays was amazing.

I used to go to the library every day (we lived across the road from one) - have a wander round the shops - read, read, read all day - sometimes rollerskate around the estate with a friend - but I loved the slow, lazy freedom to do whatever I wanted to.

There was no 'organised fun' at all and I certainly would have hated that, as did my own kids, who now (age 30 and 40!) still mention with remarkable lack of rancour just how much they used to LOATHE the holiday sports or music camps I made them attend in a misguided attempt to do the right thing.

I do think having to use my own time in ways decided by me made me able to entertain myself happily at all times.

But agree with PPs that it's a good idea to encourage some kind of daily outing/walk/shop/fresh air.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 02/07/2021 09:48

Why do you just accept this situation ? I apppreciate you have two to wrangle with but just present it as a fait accompli. "Today we are going to Go Ape"
I'm a phone confiscator if I feel DD is getting too focussed on it. Too obsessed = no phone for a week to make her do something else.

DinaofCloud9 · 02/07/2021 09:57

Loads of kids are like this at this age. It won't last. Just leave them and maybe plan a weekly activity you can all do as a family.

Please don't worry about them.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 10:00

How is playing games online with friends different from being with them? ooh now surely that's obvious?

and I say that as someone who has no problem with gaming, in fact I do it myself occasionally. But having to cope in a real life social situation is very different to being online. That's not to say online is BAD, it isn't and was probably a lifeline to many.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/07/2021 10:12

Even people who work?

Yes

Pinkandpink · 02/07/2021 10:13

Mines are a bit younger 9 and 11. Like yours they are so shy. They wouldn’t thank me to leave them at a holiday club unless they knew people at the club. There aren’t many clubs running up here and the ones that are are quite expensive. I took them to the local farm place, but my eldest was bored stiff. He’s starting to act like a moody teenager. To be fair the weather has been roasting. We invite friends over but after a while he’s bored. So I end up taking them to the skate park. They enjoyed swimming yesterday but that’s a pain as you need to book in advance and you only get a small square to stay in due to covid. This is only day 5 of the holidays. I think they get to a certain age and it gets harder to entertain them. Today we have a friend coming over and we will go a long walk up the hills, caves and stuff. In Scotland to lots of lovely scenery. Hopefully they will enjoy that.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 10:14

They probably need some physical exercise don't they?

Pinkandpink · 02/07/2021 10:21

What about if you have a garden, get a tent out and camp out? I’m going to do that with mines. Just an idea

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 11:28

@kindaclassy

cupsofcoffee Then you had a very privileged upbringing. Many parents can't afford for their children not to be "stuck at home" all summer.

Even people who work? Confused

Of course Hmm I suspect of working people can't afford week long activity camps or weekly trips to the zoo or Go Ape! Those things are bloody expensive.
BarbarianMum · 02/07/2021 13:13

On the contrary I think you are probably quite privileged if you can afford to let your kids flop about for 6 weeks as teens. When I was young we all had holiday jobs.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 13:17

Of course hmm I suspect of working people can't afford week long activity camps or weekly trips to the zoo or Go Ape! Those things are bloody expensive.

working people can't afford to take 6 weeks off to stay home with their kids either, so have to plan some solution for them, not let them home alone for 10 to 12 hours a day.

VestaTilley · 02/07/2021 13:28

YABU; it must be exhausting battling with them, but do try and get them out for a daily walk or kick about.

If they’re embarrassed about being seen out with their Mum could you take them further afield if you drive? A visit to grandparents or day at the coast or national park? If you take a picnic it doesn’t need to be costly. Even just going to the supermarket would be better than nothing.

I appreciate at that age you can’t physically make them leave the house, but you can remove phones and tablets and thereby take away their incentive to stay indoors.

Do you have a garden they would sit in even?

We all need plenty of vitamin D, and it’s a sure fire way to end up with depressed teenagers if you let them loll about in their rooms all summer long.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 13:30

They are embarrassed to be seen out with their mum?? How thoughtless and hurtful. As long as you aren't doing a mad disco dance in the shops they need to learn some manners!

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 13:31

Surely that's just an excuse to be left alone?

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 13:32

Sorry OP, I see that was just something someone else suggested nothing you'd actually said, just ignore me.

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 13:35

@kindaclassy

Of course hmm I suspect of working people can't afford week long activity camps or weekly trips to the zoo or Go Ape! Those things are bloody expensive.

working people can't afford to take 6 weeks off to stay home with their kids either, so have to plan some solution for them, not let them home alone for 10 to 12 hours a day.

Well, I don't know anyone who doesn't leave their teens home alone all day during the school holidays - that goes for age 12+. There aren't any school holiday clubs here for over 11's - there might be the odd sports camp, but they only run 9-2 so if parents work, transport is an issue.

Parents really don't need to plan every inch of their teens' school holidays. I certainly don't remember it happening to me or any of my friends 20 years ago! We just entertained ourselves - playing video games, watching TV, reading, shopping, going to the cinema occasionally - but mostly hanging out at each others' houses.

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 13:36

@BarbarianMum

On the contrary I think you are probably quite privileged if you can afford to let your kids flop about for 6 weeks as teens. When I was young we all had holiday jobs.
Holiday jobs for teens are few and far between these days, though. I'm all for teens working, but around here you have to be 18 for pretty much everything.
kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 13:37

Parents really don't need to plan every inch of their teens' school holidays.

they don't need to let them slob around locked up in their bedroom for the entire 6 weeks either.

If you must exaggerate a point , it goes both ways...

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 13:40

Holiday jobs for teens are few and far between these days, though. I'm all for teens working, but around here you have to be 18 for pretty much everything.

I think it depends what they do during the year.

You can help out in stables, help out and coach sports camp for the little ones, volunteer at the library for the summer challenge, babysit.. some things you get paid for, some things you don't, but it's always good to add something on your CV if you really refuse to do anything for fun.

Even if parents refuse to spend money on their children, there are lots to do.

Again, it's people in your area you need to ask. No one can guess what is available at the other side of the country.

Tyredofallthis1 · 02/07/2021 13:43

Which is YABU and which is YANBU?

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 13:49

Dd volunteered every summer from 15 to 18 and has just got a paid gap year job on the strength of it. Worth thinking about.

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2021 13:51

Hhmm, I'm not sure that work for teens is that rare, at least round here. Ime those who really want to find something generally do.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 13:55

And not posh volunteering either, local food bank, riding for the disabled, stewarding at local festival. Being very introverted is going to make it hard to get paid work in the future no?

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 14:17

You can help out in stables, help out and coach sports camp for the little ones, volunteer at the library for the summer challenge, babysit.. some things you get paid for, some things you don't, but it's always good to add something on your CV if you really refuse to do anything for fun.

I mean, doesn't it depend where you live?

The nearest stables are a 3-4 mile walk down country lanes with no pavements. Sports camps are situated in the nearest "big town" a 45 minute drive away. The library closed at start of COVID and has never re-opened.

Hhmm, I'm not sure that work for teens is that rare, at least round here. Ime those who really want to find something generally do.

Again, it depends on where you live. If you're in town or somewhere with great public transport, it's not hard to find a job. But when you're rural, too young to drive and reliant on your parents to get you about, it's not quite as easy.
Bookmark

And not posh volunteering either, local food bank, riding for the disabled, stewarding at local festival. Being very introverted is going to make it hard to get paid work in the future no?

Again, you have to live somewhere that allows you to do all of those things. I'm very introverted btw and run a successful business just fine. Not volunteering and attending numerous activity weeks as a teen really doesn't appear to have held me back Grin

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 14:29

Of course it holds people back. My kids all needed to work for a year before university to earn money, hopefully the OPs kids will learn how to interact with people before then. Unless she's happy to support them fully financially.