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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Goes off for drives for hours-does your dp:Dh?

276 replies

Shesalwaysshouting · 30/06/2021 22:33

Would it piss you off?

Dp and I take it turns to do toddler dds bedtime, she often takes ages to fall asleep, so we often end up falling asleep upstairs with her.
On my nights doing her bedtime, Dp often goes out in the car for 2-3 hours at a time, he’s always got some reason-went for a drive, went to the beach, to get cigarettes, yo a friends. He does it all the time, rarely stays in. He doesn’t say, just goes, when I text there’s some reason or other.
Aibu to be pissed off about it? Would it bother you?
It’s just not something I’d do and I’m not sure he’d love it, he says it wouldn’t bother him but it would.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shesalwaysshouting · 01/07/2021 18:38

@justasking111 That was the plan and what we did when she was little, she’s a notoriously bad sleeper, so often doesn’t nap in the day, so is really tired by 7, it’s not as simple as just putting her to bed or keeping her out to be tired. If she naps through the day (rarely these days) we go out in the evening to the beach. She often won’t nap but is clearly tired. I can’t force her to sleep and won’t be doing any type of letting her cry it out. Also why I’m tired at night after being with her all day without a nap.
I’ve spent many years being down at the beach whilst he surfs.

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 01/07/2021 18:55

Affair

Skyla2005 · 01/07/2021 18:56

Get someone to follow him

justasking111 · 01/07/2021 18:57

Whenever we went abroad the rule was siesta time after lunch no excuses. Took a pushchair in the evenings a cheap one salt, sand and wheels do degrade. You're young OP grab your fun where you can.

Batsy · 01/07/2021 19:03

ii go out driving if i've a few hours.. i enjoy it this time of year, its relaxing, i can have my music on, in my space, without anyone telling me stuff, needing me, or bothering me.

i'm not doing drugs, i'm not having an affair (i'm single, but not seeing anyone either) and i'm not up to anything dodgy.

I really dont understand why people can't appreciate different people relax doing different things... if driving is one of his 'things' then leave him to it and stop being so paranoid.

wizzywig · 01/07/2021 19:10

He could be messaging other women/ sexting

walkoflifewoohoo · 01/07/2021 19:10

"I can’t force her to sleep and won’t be doing any type of letting her cry it out."

Have I got it wrong or is she 3? She wouldn't be doing "cry it out" at that age anyway and it sounds like you're spending every single evening trying to force her to sleep. That's helping none of you.

If she's 3 then she probably doesn't need a nap, get out and about with your husband or talk to her. It's bedtime. For kids. Not for grown ups.

If she's as tired as you think she is then she'll sleep!

Original poster
Shesalwaysshouting · 01/07/2021 19:16

@walkoflifewoohoo If we just put her into bed and leave, she calls downstairs, runs around the room, plays etc etc

OP posts:
walkoflifewoohoo · 01/07/2021 19:18

Yes, so you tell her no. Put her back to bed, say goodnight, close the door.

Bedtime is bedtime. For kids. Not grown ups.

Repeat repeat repeat until a week or two later she's got the picture.

strawberrymilkshakeisdelicious · 01/07/2021 19:30

Never and we're in the same situation. Toddler DD that takes quite a while to fall asleep. The other person often does housework while the other shushes and encourages her to go back to sleep, or I BF.

Ohhyeahright · 01/07/2021 19:32

Not rftf but no, that’s not normal. If not an affair, I’d assume going to see a sex worker, in all honesty (work in a related field. You wouldn’t believe the amount of men who ‘visit’.)

Original poster
Shesalwaysshouting · 01/07/2021 19:35

@Ohhyeahright But wouldn’t I notice large amounts of money going missing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shesalwaysshouting · 01/07/2021 19:36

@strawberrymilkshakeisdelicious Yes, I think it’s a fairly common situation for toddlers to take a while to get to sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
Shesalwaysshouting · 01/07/2021 19:37

@walkoflifewoohoo It’s not that easy, my plan is when we’ve completed her new big girls bedroom as a surprise, she’ll then be in her own bed, in her own room. She’s never been used to not one of us helping her get to sleep

OP posts:
bluehydrant · 01/07/2021 19:43

Why don't you just put a tracker in the car?

JustLyra · 01/07/2021 19:48

@bluehydrant

Why don't you just put a tracker in the car?
Because that would be a shitty and abusive thing to do?
ImprobablePuffin · 01/07/2021 19:48

Honestly imagine this post was a man wanting to track his wife because she leaves the house 1-4 hours a week.

Can you fucking imagine. OP you need to get a grip. Why don't you want him to leave the house?

bluehydrant · 01/07/2021 19:52

Cheating is also a form of abuse.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to feel secure in your relationship.

JustLyra · 01/07/2021 19:55

@bluehydrant

Cheating is also a form of abuse.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to feel secure in your relationship.

Cheating is dishonest.

And even if it was abusive two wrong don’t make a right. Stalking and tracking someone’s movements is downright abusive and never unacceptable for anyone to do.

Nesbo · 01/07/2021 19:57

He’s a man, he can’t have any normal internal life where he enjoys driving along coastal roads or watching the sea in peace.

Obviously he is injecting crack into his eyeballs whilst dogging, gambling on his phone and smoking weed on the way to his lover’s house. It’s clear as day based on all the evidence presented.

bluehydrant · 01/07/2021 20:03

Cheating is emotional abuse.

Perhaps putting a tracker in the car is not the greatest thing to do, but if that's what it takes to find out the truth and get peace of mind then so be it.

ImprobablePuffin · 01/07/2021 20:03

@Nesbo

He’s a man, he can’t have any normal internal life where he enjoys driving along coastal roads or watching the sea in peace.

Obviously he is injecting crack into his eyeballs whilst dogging, gambling on his phone and smoking weed on the way to his lover’s house. It’s clear as day based on all the evidence presented.

Grin all in an evening's work
Shade17 · 01/07/2021 20:05

Not rftf but no, that’s not normal.

It’s totally normal. Just because it’s not something you’d enjoy doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of us who enjoy that kind of thing. Sometimes we even meet other likeminded people and do that kind of thing together.

ImprobablePuffin · 01/07/2021 20:05

@bluehydrant

Cheating is emotional abuse.

Perhaps putting a tracker in the car is not the greatest thing to do, but if that's what it takes to find out the truth and get peace of mind then so be it.

Cheating for 1 to 4 hours a week. Although with the petroleum consumption he's driving a distance so I'm guessing he'd be cheating for approx 30mins to 2.5 hours a week? Really?
JustLyra · 01/07/2021 20:10

@bluehydrant

Cheating is emotional abuse.

Perhaps putting a tracker in the car is not the greatest thing to do, but if that's what it takes to find out the truth and get peace of mind then so be it.

If the only way to get peace of mine is to stalk your partner then you need to have a word with yourself and leave the relationship.

Turning into an abuser because you think someone might be cheating is in no way acceptable. Turning into an abuser for “peace of mind” is also in no way acceptable.