Goes off for drives for hours-does your dp:Dh?

[Shesalwaysshouting]

Would it piss you off?

Dp and I take it turns to do toddler dds bedtime, she often takes ages to fall asleep, so we often end up falling asleep upstairs with her.
On my nights doing her bedtime, Dp often goes out in the car for 2-3 hours at a time, he’s always got some reason-went for a drive, went to the beach, to get cigarettes, yo a friends. He does it all the time, rarely stays in. He doesn’t say, just goes, when I text there’s some reason or other.
Aibu to be pissed off about it? Would it bother you?
It’s just not something I’d do and I’m not sure he’d love it, he says it wouldn’t bother him but it would.

@GrandmasCat What’s Mamil?

@shesalwaysshouting.
Mamil = middle age man in lycra.

I don't know, that's the kind of things I was doing quite regularly before having kids. Going for a drive at 9 or 10pm, and then thinking it was time to go home at 1am because I had to be up for work at 6 .

DH is just as bad, but on his bike.

So in itself, people going for a drive, for a run, for a walk? Why not. Not everyone is having an affair as soon as they get out of the house.

Well there's no need to be sarcy to you and defensive. Maybe he does just want an hour to himself if you alternate nights. How olds your child? Mine were terrible sleepers so I know it's so hard! What do you do on your night off?

If you don’t think it is an affair, and that he is just driving out to see the sunset then I’m not sure what the issue is? If it’s his free time and you are occupied by your child and he does his fair share then why do you need him to stay in? I would think it would be good for his well being and keeping a nice balance - would also probably ask him to pick me up some chocolate/wine/other stuff while he’s out.

Go out yourself when he's putting DD to bed and see what he says......

Can you secretly put a tracker in the car?

Pre Dd we’d always be out in summer here, it’s weird not to be, but I’m too knackered myself by the time evening rolls around.

So it's not really an unusual or change of habit for him is it?

I am not saying you are wrong to be annoyed he doesn't want to stay home with you, but if it's only a couple of times a week, and how he likes his free time? Would it make a difference if he was going to the pub or the gym?

I wouldn't be taking it in turn to humour a toddler every night. You need time together.

@Inthesameboatatmo Oh, ha ha no, not a cyclist

Why don't you go out yourself when it's his turn? Take the car and go watch the sunset on the beach. Sounds nice!

@MinnieJackson Almost 3. That’s what he says it it, some peace by the beach to look at the waves (he surfs, or used to until Dd cane along! so checks the waves out sometimes)

I do this if I ever get the chance - which is rarely! A few weeks ago three of my kids were sleeping over at grandparents, DH was putting the third to bed, and I got out for a drive for about an hour. My music on, nice cold drink, it was amazing.

But every other day is a bit much. Do you also get 1/2 hours every second day to just be on your own?

@MinnieJackson I’m generally too tired these days after being with Dd all day, so watch tv or sit in the garden. I wish I had the energy

I wouldn't be taking it in turn to humour a toddler every night. You need time together.

So true. Your relationship also needs nurturing, it won’t survive well if you don’t spend quality time together.

@Sittingonabench I know, it’s just when the paranoid part of me creeps in..but now he’s all pissed off at me for not trusting him 🤷🏻‍♀️

@imacuddler Where do you even get one from?

@kindaclassy That’s what he said, at least he isn’t getting pissed and spending money at the pub..then I start to feel bad.
But if he had an exact sport/hobby, I’d know exactly where he is, if you see what I mean.

@Doona Occasionally I’ll take out dog for a drive to the lake but I’m honestly too tired, which he says he is too, then goes out 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Kanaloa Yeah, we alternate so whoever is ‘Off’ that night can do what they like

Does anyone think it would be an affair if he doesn’t bother to get changed from work or even brush his teeth (I mean, you’d do that if you were meeting someone, wouldn’t you 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I had a disagreement with my DH for the total opposite reason this evening. I asked why he didn’t get out and about and go for a walk or jog or enjoy the summer evenings when I did bedtime and he had a free evening. I find it really depressing that he just watches TV when he has precious free nights off of putting the kids to bed. Each to their own but I’m with your DH on this one. Life with young kids can be hard and getting some fresh air on a summers evening to break up the week is a lovely thing to do in my opinion.

Not sure what country you are in? Do you have a Halfords type store? They sell trackers for £30-£50, and they’ll help fit and set up on your phone. It’s not a given he’s having an affair, but a tracker would give you insight.

Yes it’s weird, and yes it would piss me off, but the question is, does it piss you off?

The toddler years are exhausting, and the remnants of the ‘old life’ (pre kids) are still in our memories. It’s really important that you invest some time and effort in your relationship in this new phase. It’s not easy.

@Summerfun54321 I know, I’m just quite a paranoid person, so my mind often goes to the worst.
It has ramped up a lot with the new car and I can understand he’s probably loving driving around in it etc. But he’s always sort of done this on and off. Often ‘Nips’ to the shop at the weekend and it can take an hour. There’s always some reason and often he has been to a hardware shop or whatever, but still..I wondered if this was a normal man thing!