Goes off for drives for hours-does your dp:Dh?

[Shesalwaysshouting]

Would it piss you off?

Dp and I take it turns to do toddler dds bedtime, she often takes ages to fall asleep, so we often end up falling asleep upstairs with her.
On my nights doing her bedtime, Dp often goes out in the car for 2-3 hours at a time, he’s always got some reason-went for a drive, went to the beach, to get cigarettes, yo a friends. He does it all the time, rarely stays in. He doesn’t say, just goes, when I text there’s some reason or other.
Aibu to be pissed off about it? Would it bother you?
It’s just not something I’d do and I’m not sure he’d love it, he says it wouldn’t bother him but it would.

@justasking111 ?? Wait..why are you blaming me? We both have no issue with co sleeping, my Dd is a very difficult sleeper, always has been, it’s a nightmare trying to get her to sleep, for both of us. I’d so love nothing more than to put her to bed at 7 then be sat together downstairs, even Jody watching the tv or whatever.
A sperm donor?!! We’ve been together since we were teenagers and been through years of infertility together, isn’t merely a sperm donor 🤷🏻‍♀️

@QueenBee52 I really don’t think he’s lonely, he loves going out and about. If anyone were to feel lonely, it would be me.

OP, but what is the issue then?

You're not going to be spending this time with him, or alone. You're with your DD and he's out for his drive or at the beach or whatever.

I'd get it if you were putting DD to bed for even, say, an hour and then wanted to spend the rest of the evening with him but he was always out when you came back downstairs, but that isn't the case.

Sorry if I've got this wrong but it seems like you just want him to stay in for the sake of it, even though it doesn't impact you at all whether he's in or not?

You don't think he's cheating or lying about what he's doing so I can't really see the problem since you wouldn't be spending that time with him in any case.

I think leaving without saying anything is the most odd part of this, if he was upfront about nipping out for a walk or whatever it wouldn't be nearly as suspicious.
Not saying anything and then just disappearing for hours does look sneaky, like he's deliberately avoiding bringing up his intentions beforehand so that they can't be questioned or changed.
That is strange and very rude to me, I wouldn't be happy to come downstairs and find my partner had just disappeared without saying anything.

So your main issue is that because you don't bother doing anything on the evenings you have free (which is fine), you don't see why he does?

No wonder he's getting annoyed that you're accusing him of being up to something. Leave him alone. And maybe take a leaf out of his book and go and sit somewhere nice with a book and some chocolate or something on one of the evenings you have free.

@Polecat03

I think leaving without saying anything is the most odd part of this, if he was upfront about nipping out for a walk or whatever it wouldn't be nearly as suspicious. Not saying anything and then just disappearing for hours does look sneaky, like he's deliberately avoiding bringing up his intentions beforehand so that they can't be questioned or changed. That is strange and very rude to me, I wouldn't be happy to come downstairs and find my partner had just disappeared without saying anything.

But she's said he generally does text her. And she doesn't come back down, she stays in bed with her daughter.

@Bibidy Just that I find it quite strange and wanted to see if it was in fact strange? 🤷🏻‍♀️He hasn’t done anything in the past to make me not trust him, so perhaps is my issue that it seems weird to go off

I wouldn't like it OP.. and I don't believe it's normal behaviour, but this is just my personal opinion. 🌸

If I were living somewhere beautiful, sunny, coastal with beaches, and my option for the evening was sitting on my own downstairs watching tv/playing with my phone, or taking my new car out for a drive along the coast, perhaps find a beach to sit on and watch the waves…god I know what I’d be doing.

[quote Shesalwaysshouting]@Bibidy Just that I find it quite strange and wanted to see if it was in fact strange? 🤷🏻‍♀️He hasn’t done anything in the past to make me not trust him, so perhaps is my issue that it seems weird to go off[/quote]
The only thing I'd consider strange is that a long drive wouldn't be my choice of thing to do of an evening.

But in this case, you've said that he does enjoy that and that he likes to go and watch the sunset at the beach....so I guess for him it's the equivalent of me seeing friends or going for a walk or something. Just some time doing what he enjoys on the days where he's not putting DD to bed.

It sounds to me like he's utterly bored being stuck downstairs on his own half the week. Especially when the other half the week he's stuck upstairs with your DD.

Why would he not go out and do something? Why do you not?

From what you've said there's no signs of an affair (excessively washing, changing clothes etc). He's not avoiding time with you because you wouldn't be together anyway so no different to going for a pint or to the gym or the likes.

But you say 'pre DD we'd always be out', he's into surfing and likes to check the waves, he likes photography & takes a telescope .... so he's clearly the sort of person who enjoys being out and about. So long as he's doing his share of the chores I don't see the issue?

It sounds very controlling for you to say 'why can't he just sit and watch tv?' ... why should he, he sounds like he has hobbies and interests he enjoys following. I am with a PP in that I sometimes think my DH is dull and boring when he doesn't do anything active/interesting in the evening. (I think the same of myself!).

Shame he gave up surfing friends go early morning before work and in the evening after work when the waves are right. I sometimes go to watch. The kite boarders are fun to watch too. At weekends we pack up a picnic and follow the waves with them. The children playing on the beach

If it's not an affair then maybe he goes and sits and smokes weed somewhere

Op, my husband used to do this. Yes, he was starting his own business but he was also using it as a cover for meeting his lover. One day I clocked his mileage and drove half of it in the distance where he said he worked from an office space, it took me to a roundabout where he’d then double back on himself to where the OW lived a few streets away from us. He’d then spend time with her.

@justasking111 He hasn’t given up but never seems to want to do it/be able to fit it in, I tell him to surf at weekends etc 🤷🏻‍♀️None of us has any time

@JustLyra Yep, it is pretty boring 🤣I sometimes wish for our old life when we at the beach every night, watching sunsets, but we don’t have that anymore..for a while at least

@MaBroon21So sorry, that’s awful

Anyone remember that thread last year from a lady who wasn't in the UK, who found a mobile phone hidden in her car which her 'D'H used to track her movements?
Anyone also remember the mass outpouring of outrage and annoyance for her?
Can you also remember how she quite rightly went to the police?

Some of you on this thread need to give your heads a wobble.

"I’d so love nothing more than to put her to bed at 7 then be sat together downstairs"

So do it. Might take a couple of weeks to crack it but take charge and get on with it.

You've got a 3 year old running rings round you, he works in a manual job in a hot country and now can't even have a shower when he gets in? Why not?

Personally I'd be making her bedtime later if it's this hard, why not spend the evenings together as a family? Either that or teach her to go to bed and spend time together.

FWIW I don't think he's having an affair, he's just bored shitless sat there in his grubby work gear while you lie in bed asleep for hours.

"I wouldn't like it OP.. and I don't believe it's normal behaviour, but this is just my personal opinion. 🌸"

I live on the coast. It's very normal to see people alone walking on the beach, sitting on benches, watching the sunset and surfers.

"I think leaving without saying anything is the most odd part of this, if he was upfront about nipping out for a walk or whatever it wouldn't be nearly as suspicious."

The op has said that neither of them would speak to the other during this long bedtime routine. That is the part she finds normal!

He's just bored. Get out there with him, life is too short to be spending your evenings like this

[quote Shesalwaysshouting]@JustLyra Yep, it is pretty boring 🤣I sometimes wish for our old life when we at the beach every night, watching sunsets, but we don’t have that anymore..for a while at least[/quote]
Well you both have the chance every other night. Sounds like he's just taking his...

I am on the side of those who think he's just bored!

It's his version of going cycling, to the pub, golf or whatever. Hard to understand for those of us who don't enjoy driving aimlessly but we all like different things .

And I agree with others, get your child's bedtime sorted out. It is doing your relationship no good at all to not have evenings together, even if you are tired, it's still time together. And it's not a pleasant end of the day for either of you.

I can understand a bit of your annoyance actually with regard to the cost of the petrol - might that pay for a babysitter once a month?

Think I'd be packing a picnic throwing kid in the car and sit on the beach while OH surfed. We've always had a boat, weekends in the summer we'd be down there Friday night and come home on Sunday. Bedtimes were fluid they usually crashed out after a fun filled day. We would also go out summer evenings during the week, make the most of it OP

Tbh first instinct was that's dodgy maybe an affair as it is so long BUT if I lived near the beach and had free time I'd probably go out and look at the sunset etc so what you've said makes sense. It may do his mental health the world of good if he enjoys driving and is doing something that relaxes him. The first months and years of parenthood is hard for mums and dads, it took a big toll on mine and DH's mental health and relationship.

I'd be on the watch for more evidence of affairs ,like maintaining appearance more or hiding phones etc before coming to that conclusion.