Goes off for drives for hours-does your dp:Dh?

[Shesalwaysshouting]

Would it piss you off?

Dp and I take it turns to do toddler dds bedtime, she often takes ages to fall asleep, so we often end up falling asleep upstairs with her.
On my nights doing her bedtime, Dp often goes out in the car for 2-3 hours at a time, he’s always got some reason-went for a drive, went to the beach, to get cigarettes, yo a friends. He does it all the time, rarely stays in. He doesn’t say, just goes, when I text there’s some reason or other.
Aibu to be pissed off about it? Would it bother you?
It’s just not something I’d do and I’m not sure he’d love it, he says it wouldn’t bother him but it would.

@Shesalwaysshouting

Is there a way of tracking someone on their phone? We both have different phones though (his not iPhone)

Yes. There's this app I have for my family called Life360 where you can see who's where at all times, but he'd know it was there. I'd download Life360 on an old phone and stick it in the boot of the car or under the seat. Then charge it every few days 😉 but you'd need internet access in the phone.

But I'm in a relationship where we have no secrets and we have Life360 on our phones and always know where we all are. So not knowing where he was or what he was doing would really feel weird for me whereas for some people that's normal.

I'd be checking his phone for hookup apps

@Shesalwaysshouting

Is there a way of tracking someone on their phone? We both have different phones though (his not iPhone)

How about a GPS pet tracking device?

There's one on amazon that looks like a fob key and is £3.

@Saltyslug

I sometimes go for a walk on my own in the evening. It helps me feel good

do you take 3 hours several nights a week ? 🌸

I wouldn't be happy at this. Why should he wander out to the car unannounced and drive away for hours? I get the feeling from the op that it's not only the worrying what he's up to/ if he's okay, etc, but the total disrespect.

It doesn't hurt him to say he's nipping out and roughly when he'll return, but he's aware it's hurting the op by not mentioning it, and sauntering off anyway. There's also the fact he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Why is it alright for him to do that?. I'd be asking if he had a problem, and why he feels the need to frequently disappear.

What's he like in general, do you get the feeling you're in the way of his fun?

Is all the housework/jobs around the house done? If not, what’s the issue? If you’re doing them all then there is an issue.

Sounds like he just misses the beach/being outside in general. After a day at work can see why he wouldn't want to sit in all evening. Sometimes my partner cycles down to the sea whilst I do bedtime (does tell me where he's going though and will often send me a picture of the sea). It's not like he's avoiding you as you're upstairs with dd. Once you sort the sleep then you'll get some evenings back to chill together and I bet the drives will reduce.

Why are you spending hours waiting for your toddler to go to sleep?

I don't think he's having an affair.. I think he just likes to get out and drive and listen to music. Maybe watch the stars. Sounds daft but I'd love it. It's annoying because you can't ... I'd be fucked off and resentful but then that's me I'm quite bitter. I'm not proud of that ! I think I'd do this. Because he's not betraying you he doesn't feel it's wrong: you feel resentful. Why don't you explain this ? If you can afford the petrol and don't mind the environment damage then it's not different from a good box set really. If you look at it like that. Hope you resolve it. Your probably knackered.. he will be too. I mean some people have long baths he has a long drive. If it was drugs he's not destroying your budget and if it was an affair he's not making an effort!

Every now and then wouldn’t bother me but all the time? For hours? No it’s very suspicious.

I know someone whose husband did this. Turned out he'd been having numerous affairs during their marriage.. Sorry OP....but it does sound suspicious..

I’m not sure what’s the issue now either, from the original post you’ve now reduced it totally to a couple of times a week, for an hour or so, you’d not say goodbye either, blah blah blah. What’s the issue exactly? You’re being being very unclear, because if someone says x is wrong, and that’s what you posted you then immediately say oh no it’s not that or that’s not a problem.

Surprised everyone is leaping to assuming he’s having an affair I love going out by myself. I’ll easily drive for an hour or so just listening to music and then wander around somewhere and come back. Admittedly I do this during the day (I don’t work) so dh has no idea what I do during my own time but I’d be if he thought I was having an affair….!

Susssssss. I would be on fire, so I don't even blame you.

@mineofuselessinformation

Go out yourself when he's putting DD to bed and see what he says......

I agree!!!

For a year I naively believed my now exh was just running errands, and having sometime to himself. Turned out to be an affair. Really hope its not the same for you

Is he an introverted person OP? The nights my DS is at his dads I'll go and do this! It's just some people's way of chilling out. I live near the ocean. Music on in the car and just enjoy the peace. I'm not having an affair or doing anything wrong.

I really don't understand the problem.

If you're upstairs co-sleeping with DD on those nights then why does he have to be sat downstairs on his own? Does it make you feel safer or more secure to have him in the house or something?

If he doesn't want to sit in and watch TV now the weather is decent, why should he have to?

Mumsnet is paranoid sometimes and seems to be full of people who hate cars and driving (yes, bad for the environment I know). I love to go out for a drive, blast some music, then have a walk on the beach. It's hugely relaxing, your mind is focussed on the road not all the shit that's happened during the day.
DH used to do it too, now he sits in the pub to de-stress or zones out in front of the TV, it's hugely depressing.
Not every man is having an affair, the PP is upstairs, so what do you expect him to do - just sit around mindlessly? That would drive me insane and is controlling to demand a partner stays in. Yes he should let you know if he's heading out, but maybe he doesn't want to disturb the child, or if he is getting the Spanish inquisition, it's no wonder he sneaks out.
He doesn't do this in winter (neither do I, as driving in the dark and rain isn't fun), affairs don't just happen in the Summer months.

All this talk of trackers etc, it's bizarre, no one in real life behaves like that. I couldn't live with that level of paranoia from a partner. People here sometimes seem to forget they are dealing with real people's lives, the pp is obviously a worrier and over anxious, stop feeding her insecurities.

@Summerfun54321

I had a disagreement with my DH for the total opposite reason this evening. I asked why he didn’t get out and about and go for a walk or jog or enjoy the summer evenings when I did bedtime and he had a free evening. I find it really depressing that he just watches TV when he has precious free nights off of putting the kids to bed. Each to their own but I’m with your DH on this one. Life with young kids can be hard and getting some fresh air on a summers evening to break up the week is a lovely thing to do in my opinion.

Are you this controlling about everything? I would consider that a real red flag about my relationship. My friend had a husband like this. Years ago during her mat leave he was constantly on her to go to a museum, take up a hobby, or even meet up with friends. He said he wanted her to be happy but it clearly wasn’t really about her at all. He felt it reflected poorly on him to be married to a woman who didn’t fit with his arbitrary definition of “interesting”. He kept saying he wanted her to be happy, never mind she was exhausted and really looked forward to relaxing with her TV and tea or wine. Not surprisingly the marriage didn’t last. Now that the kids are late teens my friend has a really interesting hobby/skill and loves cooking and wine and traveling with her second husband. She still relaxes with a bit of telly but her DH loves her as she is and doesn’t look to her to bolster his own self-image.

You need to calm down a bit here. You can't go putting trackers on cars or phones - if you're really that concerned then SPEAK to him. Don't text him and start accusing him of having an affair. If you can't trust him this doesn't bode well for the relationship. If it's that bad, get some therapy for yourself and as a couple - find the time. Your spiralling and catastrophisong with literally zero evidence. It sounds like he used to have many hobbies, so he could very well be going for a drive, watching the waves etc - perhaps he wants some peace and quiet after a long day and doesn't want to sit in the house on his own watching TV? None of these things are beyond the realms of possibility.

I’d feel really dodgy putting a tracker on the car

Cos it's a cuntish thing to do

I would be pissed off by the cost of the fuel and environmental aspect. Going for a drive for 1-2 hours when you don't need to get from A to B? Once in a while, maybe, but not several times a week, it's wasteful.

For many people cars are much more than a means of getting from A to B. I probably go for an hour long blast once or twice a week and sometimes in the summer get up at 4am on Sunday for a longer one. Aim to do 6/7 track days a year in normal times where I burn £100 of fuel literally driving in circles

Him going to the beach after work when you're upstairs all evening anyway, and you get to do what you want the next evening, doesn't seem like a problem to me. (Nor do I think he's having an affair or developing a crack habit. I think you'd notice these.)

Putting a tracking device in his car or installing something on his phone so you can know where he is all the time would be hideously controlling, stalkerish behaviour. I would be furious if my husband wanted to do this and clearly had so little trust in me.

I think you need to first work out exactly what it is that's the problem for you here. Then you can find a sane, reasonable way to address it. If it's just that you don't like the way he spends his free time, that's something for you to deal with. If it's him leaving without letting you know when he's gone/when he's back, agree with him that he'll text you so you know when he's in the house. Do you live in a dangerous area and feel unsafe in the house on your own? If you really think he's having an affair, you need to talk to him about it - but you need to be pretty sure before starting that conversation because if he's not, he's going to be upset that you think he might be, to say the least... It's not clear from what you've written here that you exactly know why you don't like him driving around, so o think you need to unpack that a bit more for yourself as a first step.

Op, does he take the dog with him?