Goes off for drives for hours-does your dp:Dh?

[Shesalwaysshouting]

Would it piss you off?

Dp and I take it turns to do toddler dds bedtime, she often takes ages to fall asleep, so we often end up falling asleep upstairs with her.
On my nights doing her bedtime, Dp often goes out in the car for 2-3 hours at a time, he’s always got some reason-went for a drive, went to the beach, to get cigarettes, yo a friends. He does it all the time, rarely stays in. He doesn’t say, just goes, when I text there’s some reason or other.
Aibu to be pissed off about it? Would it bother you?
It’s just not something I’d do and I’m not sure he’d love it, he says it wouldn’t bother him but it would.

@m00rfarm

I make excuses sometimes to drive on my own for no reason as I’m listening to a really good audio book series.

do you accuse your Partner is not trusting you when asked where you've gone for hours ?

The bit that would bother me is the going out without saying anything to you. As others have said does it really make any difference if he's out for a drive/walk/run/cycle/at the pub etc? Why does he feel the need to sneak off?

My ex used to do this when I was occupied with kid stuff. Turned out he was buying drugs. Once I realised it was obvious because it was the only time he would sneak out without saying anything the rest of the time he was an attention seeking twat.
Could it be that?

I know a couple of men who do this, they both have children. One parks up and gambles on his phone. He's seriously addicted. The other just literally hates being at home with his five children so will drive until his wife calls him yelling to come home. He also lies about having to work away and what time he starts and finishes so he can smoke in his truck instead of caring for the kids.

@Throwntothewolves I’m upstairs trying to get Dd to sleep and don’t think either of us would come to tell the other we were going out, for fear of waking her or disturbing the point she could be just about to drop off.
He does occasionally text that he’s going to the shop or whatever.

Don’t think it’s drugs at all, if was anything would only be weed and he wouldn’t really be secretive as I’m not that fussed. Definitely not anything stronger. I’d notice in the budget etc too.

Does he ever get cashback at the shop etc? Because you might not notice a bit here or there.
Why is he shouting at you?
Everyone's home lives are different, some of my friends partners go straight to the pub every night after work etc. BUT they're home by 6 to do dinner, baths etc. But some of them aren't and everyone just thinks they're losers tbf. This is just an example. Could you all go out together sometime? Maybe break the routine a bit and you can take your dd with you.
If he is into stars and stuff, though it's a pretty niche hobby could you so something together to incorporate it? What are your hobbies or likes?

As I said earlier I go out for ‘drives’. I’m not having an affair, I’m not doing drugs, going dogging (😅) I’m not gambling or drinking or anything other than chilling in the car listening to music or podcasts. Sometimes I catch up with my admin and send emails or make phone calls.
I’m happy at home and have plenty of personal space there but I still like to be out. If I lived next to the sea I would do it even more.

Some posters find it weird but I would find it weirder to stay inside all evening watching the tv everyday.

OP I'm reading all your updates and I can't quite figure out what it is you're annoyed with?

You say it's not the not telling you, he's not shirking duties, what actually is it you're not happy about? Is it him leaving the house?

@ImprobablePuffin

OP I'm reading all your updates and I can't quite figure out what it is you're annoyed with?

You say it's not the not telling you, he's not shirking duties, what actually is it you're not happy about? Is it him leaving the house?

perhaps he should find somewhere else to live ..

if mooning around in a car for hours is preferable to sharing a home with OP. 🤔

@EveryoneIsThere

As I said earlier I go out for ‘drives’. I’m not having an affair, I’m not doing drugs, going dogging (😅) I’m not gambling or drinking or anything other than chilling in the car listening to music or podcasts. Sometimes I catch up with my admin and send emails or make phone calls. I’m happy at home and have plenty of personal space there but I still like to be out. If I lived next to the sea I would do it even more. Some posters find it weird but I would find it weirder to stay inside all evening watching the tv everyday.

Ok - but he might be doing one or some of these things, or something else unappetising.

Either way, its upsetting for the OP - so it makes sense that they want to get to the bottom of it, right?

Sorry op but thats what my exh did when he was either having an affair or thinking about doing so. Constantly disappearing for weird reasons.

Oh please give your head a wobble OP. This is far from 'normal'

It may not be an affair or anything sinister like that, but what he is doing is saying you deserve the grunt work because you have a fanny.

He deserves his 'me' time, cos he's got a cock

He is a bellend.

It's up to you whether you think you deserve a bellend, or whether you're not going to accept this shit.

Not sure if your toddler is a girl or boy, but look at it from this perspective:

If your daughter told you her husband did this, would you tell her it's good and she should just put up and shut up or would you want better for her?

If you have a son, would you be pleased if he was treating his wife like this?

If the answer to both is 'NO', then why the fuck do you think you should put up with this?

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Oh please give your head a wobble OP. This is far from 'normal'

It may not be an affair or anything sinister like that, but what he is doing is saying you deserve the grunt work because you have a fanny.

He deserves his 'me' time, cos he's got a cock

He is a bellend.

It's up to you whether you think you deserve a bellend, or whether you're not going to accept this shit.

Not sure if your toddler is a girl or boy, but look at it from this perspective:

If your daughter told you her husband did this, would you tell her it's good and she should just put up and shut up or would you want better for her?

If you have a son, would you be pleased if he was treating his wife like this?

If the answer to both is 'NO', then why the fuck do you think you should put up with this?

OP has the same amount of free time - she chooses to sit and watch tv 🤷‍♀️

Your partner is up to no good.

@ImprobablePuffin

It may well be normal for you and your partner to avoid each other every night, by driving out alone for hours... but it's not normal for OP.. or most of the posters on here.

Not normally but mine did quite a few times when he said he was going down to old house and it seemed implausibly slow what he said he was doing there. I was concerned then one time I asked to borrow his phone and first thing I saw was a message from the doctors about a cancer test referral. He had been going to hospital for things but not wanting to worry me.

I would say he's either wanting a break or up to something he doesn't want you know about, if you can get hold of his phone you might get more clues if he won't tell you though he could be doing what he says he is doing.

Whoever doesn’t do bedtimes just has to wash the dishes and generally clear up downstairs, which doesn’t take long.

Does that mean that's all he does chore/household responsibility wise? No wonder you're knackered!

I can see why people are suspicious, I don't think that suspicion is unreasonable but it doesn't make it true. I moved abroad when I was younger to a gorgeous place by the sea and would love driving down in the evenings and going to sit on the beach. I can see why that might be appealing (especially in a new car) rather than sitting at home when the person you most want to be with is otherwise occupied.

I also sort of see why you find it annoying OP you're struggling away upstairs desperate for your kid to go to sleep and he's not doing anything "useful", not suffering, and not waiting around for you - he's off enjoying your new car and the beautiful sunset. But, taking what he's doing at face value, I think that's a bit unreasonable. This is the perfect opportunity for him to take some time for himself - you're otherwise occupied, and he does his stint on other nights. Let him go and start thinking about what you can do in the evenings it's his turn to settle DD - I know you're exhausted, so it doesn't have to be what he does, but you could do something relaxing if you don't want to go off somewhere - take a bubble bath with a glass of wine, arrange a massage with a local masseuse, invite a friend round (assuming you can stay quiet enough, otherwise go to theirs). Parents often struggle to get enough "me" time and couple time but if you are handing off care for evenings anyway, that's a great time to fit in the "me" bit.

I would guess he is liking the new car a lot, and cruising around, and maybe stopping off by some nice scenery, and having a cigarette.. free as a bird, and all peaceful. I don't know why some women always think their partners are having an affair, when they have just gone out on their own for a while, its quite weird.

@1forAll74

I would guess he is liking the new car a lot, and cruising around, and maybe stopping off by some nice scenery, and having a cigarette.. free as a bird, and all peaceful. I don't know why some women always think their partners are having an affair, when they have just gone out on their own for a while, its quite weird.

riiiiight 🤣

I would be pissed off by the cost of the fuel and environmental aspect. Going for a drive for 1-2 hours when you don't need to get from A to B? Once in a while, maybe, but not several times a week, it's wasteful. Go for a walk!

I wouldn't like the disappearing off and for indefinite amounts of time- it would make me feel a bit like a partner wasn't fond of me and was disrespectful.

He could tell you earlier in the evening that he's going out for a drive later.

An affair is definitely a possibility.

I honestly can understand his going out for no reason. I sometimes need time alone without anyone else at all. I sometimes feel controlled because of all the expectations and chores and working and children and because I feel people expect to know where I am and what I am doing at all times. I just get overwhelmed and pissed that my life doesn’t feel like I am actually in control of anything.

It’s fine. He’s got a few nights off each week and so twice a week goes out by himself. You used to go out a lot pre children.

I sometimes go for a walk on my own in the evening. It helps me feel good

I love going for random drives! I do think it's weird that he doesn't even message to say he's going out though. I get he doesn't want to wake DD, but surely he can message to say? The thing is, you were feeling paranoid anyway and then loads of people have said he's obviously having an affair or doing crack . It sounds like evenings are a bit of a nightmare at yours and the first thing should be sorting out DD's sleep (I know easier said than done) but she's not going to be falling asleep quicker when she's in her own room. Is there any way you can start the transition to her own room now rather than autumn?