Parents who never ask other parents for favours?

[80caloriesofbiscuitplease]

Like how do they do it?
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, most primary schools have a primary school WhatsApp group. 90% of the chat is 'I'm going to be late' 'is anyone able to pick up Destiny on Wednesday?' 'Help I didn't know there was an inset day!'
There are about four regular mums who constantly ask these kind of things (of which I might be one )
The rest stay silent on the matters (as in they don't offer or ask) what I want to know is how the duck do they manage it?
How can you never be late, or struggle to pick up your child or cover the endless holidays? How can you never forget the date of homework's or the theme of dressing up day or the name of the TA? How can you consistently just keep all of this knowledge inside and be fulfilled and busy and well off and yet be at the school gate at five past ducking three every single day? To never look sweaty or harassed or answer emails in the park? To always have snacks that are well packed and nutritious?
How how how???

We were just hugely organised. In all the years there was one issue when DH was stuck behind a terrible pile up on the motorway and I was 250 miles away on a work trip. A friend of ours picked up DS for us, her dc were secondary school age.

[quote 80caloriesofbiscuitplease]@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba who have I judged? [/quote]
you know what you did.

don't pretend you have no idea

A friend of mine drives me mad, she's forever on Facebook asking when the trip/inset day/sports day is. It would take all of a minute to look it up on the school website.

People like that really annoy me. There's nothing cute or fun in being disorganised and play the useless card.

Check school communications every evening (when you can actually do something about them). Deal with them immediately. File email.
Adding something to your calendar, paying the fee, ordering the tshirt, it's 2 minutes.

A lot less than posting on MN for a start!

I would never ask another parent to help with my kid, they are practically strangers to me I either do it myself or family do it... if I didnt have family then a friend or trusted childcare provider would be asked.

As for the other stuff - who cares if you forget the TA name and date for non uniform or teacher days etc... are all in the school news letter.

You sound like a kind person, OP. I rarely ask for favours as I work FT and have no way to reciprocate. The thing that works for me is that I use my work email address for almost everything. That way, if the school emails about something I see it right away and put it in my calendar. So I don't have to remember to check my Gmail.

I worked part time when the kids were little and no whatsapp group, they are teens now. I was organised. I had a calendar, acted on school letters/emails as soon as they came into the house (noting dates on calendar and setting reminders in my phone and cellotaping some important letters to the inside of my kitchen cupboards.

To cover school holidays I used my leave allowance (and also holidayed in the summer), used flexi days and I paid for holiday club. I had no family support so I had to be organised. I booked leave and holiday club well in advance.

I rarely asked for favours I can count the number of times I asked for favours on one hand for each child. If I ever did ask for favours I would quickly do something in return. But more often than not I did favours for close friends of the kids or school mums I liked who had helped me out in the past.

I remember one very cold awful wet October half term when DS was in reception and one of his little friends knocked on the door between 1-2pm as we were about to snuggle down to watch a film. I was worried about him on his own without a coat and knew he lived across a busy main road. He asked if DS was playing out (we’d had a walk just before the rain and weren’t going out again). I said no he isn’t, not in all the rain but you can come in if you want if your mums knows where you are? Then quick as a flash he turned round and gave his mum who was sat in her car (who I didn’t even spot) a thumbs up and without looking at me or saying thank you. She yelled out of the car. How long did she say you can stay for?’ He shouted I dunno and she went aw thats ok then and quickly drove off. I know the mum works 4 days a week but the day in question was one of her days off. If she had texted to ask I would have said yes. It got till after 6pm and still no sign of her so I texted her to ask what time she was coming to collect him or did he want to stay for tea I got no reply and then texted her dad and again no reply. So we had to put our tea back some people are just CF’s.

OP you sound a bit like Julia from Motherland 😉.

@CupOfTPlease actually I think it is relevant. My nan lived on a council estate and there was very much a lend, borrow and help out culture. Families knew what it was like to new dc help themselves and they helped each other.

Op to be totally honest the majority expectation at most schools is that people should not repeatedly be asking for help and need to put their own arrangements in place. Not at my current school but I’ve heard the handful of parents who always ask for help bring gossiped about.

Not new dc I meant need help

If my school had a whats app group I would not be in it! I can't think of anything worse than your phone pinging all day because someone is too busy to get to school on time or has forgotten school isn't on.
I find it is much easier to sort yourself out then no one else thinks you owe them anything, a few of my good friends are at school and I would happily help them out but apart from hospital emergencies it has not happened.

@GrealishHairband

I don’t need to ask these things as people like you do it all for me and then I can see the answers thus maintaining my illusion of being an adulty adult.

yep

No, those things never happen to me. But I neither know nor trust other parents. Plus with the Covid and safeguarding rules no one else could pick up dd for me. Single Mum, my dd goes to before and after school club.

Sometimes I wish I could rely on other people, but I can’t. DS has special needs and ‘forgetting’ what happens on what day, or being late, just isn’t an option for me. He would have the meltdown from hell if another parent showed up to collect him without forewarning, and the school wouldn’t let him go to anyone but his 3 nominated lasted people on the form.

I have to be so organised I often have little room to remember shit for myself.

So it’s a luxury to be able to be the one who says ‘when is sports day again?’. I envy that, I would like to be that person, I’m exhausted!

Me and one of the other mums have an informal agreement around if the other one was late so no need to broadcast it all on the WhatsApp group
And yes always happy to help or provide info but yes I do judge the 3 parents on our group who seem to think the rest of us are how they find out what to wear on the school trip / when it leaves / what is the last day of term when we get everything via email as well as it being posted on the school's electronic letter app thing. Thats just pure laziness and I have now given up responding as I think it's just enabling their laziness / ineptitude to be honest

How did people manage before WhatsApp groups and mobile phones. ... I guess once in a blue moon a parent would be unavoidably late and the teachers would have to pick up the slack. But I guess necessity makes people organized/on time.

When newsletter comes out I input everything in calendar straight away.
I pay / do online permissions as soon as they come out.
I park a little further from the school knowing it's quicker than trying to park nearer not find somewhere and be late.
I set named alarms in my phone for the morning when I need to remember bits. Send emails to myself when it's further than the week ahead (that I can set alarm for)

A friend of mine drives me mad, she's forever on Facebook asking when the trip/inset day/sports day is. It would take all of a minute to look it up on the school website

Yep can't stand this shit...."what's the last day of term?". Look on the sodding website

Incidentally the kids were friends from nursery and the mum has now had three kids and has always been and still is dippy and forever asking when own clothes day is or when a school trip is etc yet she lives in a big house and her business is doing very well. The two elder kids are practically feral now.

A good and reliable babysitter and I always jot down important events as a reminder on my phone and set the alert a week before then another alert 2 days before.

I do slip up though

This never happens in the school what's app group, tbh I would never dream of asking anyone to do this

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease

I find this all very sad that some people aren't comfortable enough with eachother to ask for help when they need it. Yes I ask from time to time but I do far more than I ask. I drive whilst a lot of the other mums don't so will offer lifts to party's, when it's raining, when the mums are sick etc. I also let the other working single parents know if I've got annual leave if it helps them save money on holiday club or we do swaps. I can always rely on them and they rely on me too. It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in. We are social animals we know!

That's nice you've got a great group of friends who'll mutually assist each other. My experience of life has been different. I find that most people will ask for help but refuses to help when I need a favour in return. I find it easier to never owe someone a favour because I'll ask for a small favour and they'll ask for a huge one. It means the friendship is always one sided and I made myself ill running myself ragged sorting xyz out for others, to receive no help in return. So I stopped being so nice.

About looking put together, it's the same as another poster, I smile and say I'm fine thanks when people ask regardless of how things really are.

Before I leave home I look in the mirror, every time. If my hairs a bird's nest I tie it back with a scrunchie from the pot next to the mirror. If my face is shiny I grab a tissue from the box on the coffee table and use it to blot away the shine quickly. I'll slick on some lipgloss, which lives in my handbag. If I'm stressed I take a deep breath and smile at myself in the mirror to make sure my face is where it needs to be! Use the toilet. Grab coat/shoes that matches almost everything fairly well, which I always put back where they belong on arriving home.

In a more general sense I paint my nails every week, takes half hour and means they always look good. With clothes I either run a capsule wardrobe so everything looks good with everything else or I organise a few entire outfits in advance. Either way, getting dressed in the morning requires almost no thought. These things help with the overall put togetherness vibe.

Packed lunches are easy. Sandwich, fruit, cereal bar, drinks carton. Every day. Makings are always in the fridge for this.

Our school does a weekly newsletter, emails, texts and updates its website very promptly. All the info is there. Yet the same few people on the parents' facebook page seem incapable of taking any of it in.
How do I remember stuff? The same way I remember stuff in my job, by writing it down!

But now I think about it…

I was on a whatsapp for other parents of special needs. And one woman was forever leaving on all of us. She would say how terrible it was, please I’m desperate, advice now, what do I do… I need this… this is all terrible.

So I left. Got enough of my own shit thanks!

I've been a single working parent since my son was a baby and I used a childminder, luckily she didn't penalise when I was late because all of the trains were cancelled at Cannon Street.

My son is at school now so use after school club until 6pm and luckily my job has been able to move to mostly WFH.

Not sure what I would do if I couldn't get to the school at 6pm.

One mum is doing a language course and physically can't get to school in time as it's two buses away so I pick up her kid. The dad is working. What's the alternative, she quits learning English, can't find a job and is trapped in poverty. The other two are single mums, one is leaning to drive so I have her kid whilst she learns.

But pick up time is pick up time. Can't courses and lessons be arranged for times between the start and end of school? Or in the evenings? It never would have occurred to me to do this when my DC were small.

They may mess up as often as anyone but don’t feel comfortable asking other parents for favours (feel they don’t know them enough or just used to being let down generally) so just don’t ask.