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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents who never ask other parents for favours?

493 replies

80caloriesofbiscuitplease · 30/06/2021 19:06

Like how do they do it?
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, most primary schools have a primary school WhatsApp group. 90% of the chat is 'I'm going to be late' 'is anyone able to pick up Destiny on Wednesday?' 'Help I didn't know there was an inset day!'
There are about four regular mums who constantly ask these kind of things (of which I might be one Wink)
The rest stay silent on the matters (as in they don't offer or ask) what I want to know is how the duck do they manage it?
How can you never be late, or struggle to pick up your child or cover the endless holidays? How can you never forget the date of homework's or the theme of dressing up day or the name of the TA? How can you consistently just keep all of this knowledge inside and be fulfilled and busy and well off and yet be at the school gate at five past ducking three every single day? To never look sweaty or harassed or answer emails in the park? To always have snacks that are well packed and nutritious?
How how how???

OP posts:
36degrees · 30/06/2021 20:06

There's a WhatsApp group for my daughter's class and I only found out about it on her last day of primary. So, no choice basically, just have to get on with it. A combination of paid help, flexible working and cutting back hours is how we've done it - DH's family is local but not available and mine in a different country.

mathanxiety · 30/06/2021 20:06

I find this all very sad that some people aren't comfortable enough with eachother to ask for help when they need it.
Yes I ask from time to time but I do far more than I ask. I drive whilst a lot of the other mums don't so will offer lifts to party's, when it's raining, when the mums are sick etc. I also let the other working single parents know if I've got annual leave if it helps them save money on holiday club or we do swaps. I can always rely on them and they rely on me too.
It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in. We are social animals we know!

I agree.

I also agree that a low trust society is a miserable place to live.

housework1977 · 30/06/2021 20:06

I ducking hate the school WhatsApp groups and refuse to be part of it. So what if things get forgotten I can't live my life in a constant state of panic about it. Emergencies and things happen but we seem to manage. I prefer approaching people one to one if necessary.

eekbumbler · 30/06/2021 20:07

Blimey, I'd block all posts from the whatsapp group and make my own arrangements if struggling. Which may be with a mum, but a mum who I know and not a generic shout out to who can look after my kid.

disculpe · 30/06/2021 20:07

Like other posters have mentioned, I also have anxiety and despise being late, for anything, so I always leave plenty of time to get to where I need to go. I would hate to be late to pick up my son, I remember my dad was always late to pick me up and I used to feel like such a plum sitting in school reception being watched over by the teachers whilst my dad was late again. If someone stopped me at work to chat while I was on my way to school for pick up I'd tell them that I wasn't able to stop and chat. If I was going to be late (which barely ever happens) for school then I'd message a good friend or one of parents and ask if they could help, absolutely no chance I'd message the mums WhatsApp group. Some people are just more organised than others, or in my case too anxious to not leave on time!

CupOfTPlease · 30/06/2021 20:07

@EditedbySKSS

Some people are just by nature organised and others a bit more scatty
This is me and my sister 1000%.

I often remind her she has appointments 😂.

Doghead · 30/06/2021 20:08

By having extremely supportive in laws. I have never ever asked another parent to help out.

TheAlleyAlleyOh · 30/06/2021 20:08

They have helpful family near by basically and or are stay at home mums

TheMoth · 30/06/2021 20:08

Me. I hate to to put upon anyone else.
I pay for asc until 6, so I have leeway if I'm late or dh is late. If my kids don't tell me things until last minute/ forget stuff, then tough. They all know I have enough to think about with work. Work comes first cos it pays the bills.

nicknamehelp · 30/06/2021 20:08

Some will have a friend they have for help. I had a diary that dates were put straight into as soon as letter/email arrived. Each Sunday I have a white board on fridge I put plans for week on for all family, what's for tea each day etc. So all know to check fridge (dc now teenagers so responsible for own bits)
I still often ran into school verging on being late like a mad woman, dropped kids off at school 1st day of term only to be called on my way to work to be told term started next day, Sent a child in in uniform when it's non uniform day and vice versa.

LolaButt · 30/06/2021 20:08

I just take personal responsibility for my fuck ups.

There are many.

PumpkinPie2016 · 30/06/2021 20:09

My DH works very part time and fits it around our son so he does pick up/drop off. He has never been late for either as he plans the time he will start/finish carefully. On the odd occasion he has worked away, my mum has helped us by doing pick up and drop off.

I work full time and have a demanding role but I keep track using the calendar in my phone. It's linked to my work calendar so I have everything in one place. I am one of those people who is exceptionally organised - I have to be or I'd sink!

School holidays are no problem as I am a teacher so I am at home when DS is off.

kowari · 30/06/2021 20:09

One thing that helps is that school don't do any costume based things- it's a low income area and lots of people simply don't have the money. World Book Day is a t-shirt of the characters colour, eg Red Riding Hood. Oceans Day is a blue top. Everything else is just non-uniform for a donation you can afford.
Ours mostly only did wear X colour. They'd say please don't buy anything, just send your child in any orange clothing they already have. I just sent DS in the closest colour if he didn't have that one, such as red for orange. The wear something spotty day he stuck stickers on his tshirt. I never bought anything for one day.

101spacehoppers · 30/06/2021 20:09

Because DP does all school related admin and he doesn't read the whatsapp group.

But also: we don't have that relationship with other parents in class generally; there are 1 or 2 people I might call in an absolute emergency but have never had to- we would message them directly rather than on a WhatsApp group. We diarise everything ruthlessly.

elliejjtiny · 30/06/2021 20:09

I don't use WhatsApp so don't know if there is a class group. I always manage to pick up the dc on time without asking for favours from school mums. I don't bring a snack when I pick them up though and we've not done dress up as a pirate day a couple of times thanks to dc losing the letters. Thankfully all school communication is via email now.

Original poster
80caloriesofbiscuitplease · 30/06/2021 20:09

I feel sad that a lot of the responses on here are saying that they feel that the other mums would judge. I think most would completely understand. It's a tough, lonely and thankless role and if there's one thing I've learnt it's that I've never regretted asking for help. Maybe that's my council estate childhood but if you never ask you'll never know!

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/06/2021 20:10

@mathanxiety

I find this all very sad that some people aren't comfortable enough with eachother to ask for help when they need it. Yes I ask from time to time but I do far more than I ask. I drive whilst a lot of the other mums don't so will offer lifts to party's, when it's raining, when the mums are sick etc. I also let the other working single parents know if I've got annual leave if it helps them save money on holiday club or we do swaps. I can always rely on them and they rely on me too. It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in. We are social animals we know!

I agree.

I also agree that a low trust society is a miserable place to live.

@mathanxiety

I'd agree too if OP acknowledged the fact that other people do this too, but outside of WhatsApp.
but her judgemental attitude is way out of order and uncalled for.

FreeBritnee · 30/06/2021 20:11

For me it’s because I’m a SAHM. I do help others out though, I just don’t ask for favours as I’m always about.

CupOfTPlease · 30/06/2021 20:11

My anxiety wouldn't allow me to be like this.

I have to have things planned and be on time for everything! As soon as I'm running behind I get myself in a bit of a panic and get all flustered.

Stuff like days off etc all have to go onto a calendar.

CupOfTPlease · 30/06/2021 20:12

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease

I feel sad that a lot of the responses on here are saying that they feel that the other mums would judge. I think most would completely understand. It's a tough, lonely and thankless role and if there's one thing I've learnt it's that I've never regretted asking for help. Maybe that's my council estate childhood but if you never ask you'll never know!
Completely irrelevant that you were brought up on a council estate.
ineedaholidaynow · 30/06/2021 20:12

I was a parent who always seemed to know what was happening at school, and was the parent people came to to ask. Didn't have a Whats App group when DS was at Primary School, but if anyone wanted to know what was for lunch, when a trip was etc everyone always referred to me.

However, I am the least organised person so not sure how I became the school oracle!

wasthataburp · 30/06/2021 20:13

I couldn't ever ask other parents for favours because me and DH both have demanding full time jobs so simply could never be in a position to return any favours!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/06/2021 20:14

council estate

what's it got to do with anything?
are you doing a Daily Fail sad face too?

Original poster
80caloriesofbiscuitplease · 30/06/2021 20:14

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba who have I judged?

OP posts:
Houseofvelour · 30/06/2021 20:14

I'm a SAHM and I use calendars