Parents who never ask other parents for favours?

[80caloriesofbiscuitplease]

Like how do they do it?
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, most primary schools have a primary school WhatsApp group. 90% of the chat is 'I'm going to be late' 'is anyone able to pick up Destiny on Wednesday?' 'Help I didn't know there was an inset day!'
There are about four regular mums who constantly ask these kind of things (of which I might be one )
The rest stay silent on the matters (as in they don't offer or ask) what I want to know is how the duck do they manage it?
How can you never be late, or struggle to pick up your child or cover the endless holidays? How can you never forget the date of homework's or the theme of dressing up day or the name of the TA? How can you consistently just keep all of this knowledge inside and be fulfilled and busy and well off and yet be at the school gate at five past ducking three every single day? To never look sweaty or harassed or answer emails in the park? To always have snacks that are well packed and nutritious?
How how how???

Being a social animal doesn't mean you expect other people to pick your kids up from school.
It's not always easy but you need to organise and allow extra time for your journey. When mine were at primary we had two children and my husband and I worked opposite shifts to be able to do drop off and pick ups and cover holidays.
Now we have two at secondary school and one at nursery and it's easier as I do super early mornings and my husband does more "normal" hours. So it'll be a case of he does drop off (probably at breakfast club) and I do pick ups.

I find it quite stressful to live like this- running late and forgetting stuff. DH and I work FT. Two kids. He takes absolutely equal responsibility. We have a shared calendar. On weekends we talk about the week ahead and then once more in the morning. We have a set routine. We also meal plan, have school clothes ready the night before etc. If anything DH is more organised than I am and more on top of school stuff.
We also have DH’s elderly parents to look after.

We are quite social and have a large circle of friends. I am also happy to help others. I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with my organisational ability.

You can be sociable AND organised.

In the OP’s case while it’s marvellous you are helping other people I know some people like this who are lovely, and civic minded but do way too much and are constantly disorganised and late for everything. It makes me think that they should sort out their own schedule first and then help others.

@TheAlleyAlleyOh

They have helpful family near by basically and or are stay at home mums

Or a stay at home Dad.

We have always just worked things between the two of us.

I'm one of those mums, mostly because I don't do it on the WhatsApp group.

Organising stuff, calendar on the wall,reminders on phone, I read all emails/texts/letters and group messages that update/remind us of stuff.

On the childcare stuff , I'm covered 95% of the time(low paid ,school hours job,very close to the school) and if I really am stuck I only ask people I'm actually friends with via private messages/in person. It probably looks like I never struggle for childcare.

I also do it all on foot(luck, not martyrdom, home ,school and work are very close together) so I never have the issues that driving/commuting brings.

It's all down to luck and circumstances. Some other parents manage even better, as they have a great support network, family members close by and willing to step in etc.

also, not all schools are like this. There might be question about costumes or something but never parents not turning up on time.

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease

But what if you're running out the office and you're stopped by someone? What about the rubbish truck that blocks the whole bloody road at ten to three? The fire alarm that goes off and leaves you trapped in the car park at work when your car keys are in your coat pocket by your desk? Do these things never happen to you all?

I’d tell them I couldn’t stop and had to go.

It never happened as lots of various routes to school.

I always grabbed my bag next to my chair and ignored the abandon everything advice.

So no. These never happened to me.

[quote 80caloriesofbiscuitplease]What are these magical careers where you have to use your exceptional organisation skills and yet they're happy for you to skip out the door at 2.30?[/quote]
Tour Operator Administrator. School hours job.

I’m more naturally organised than a lot of people, I think. Rather, it boggles my mind how people don’t remember training days! Stick them in the calendar, put reminders on your phone, book the days off in advance. One mum on our group the other day didn’t realise that training day meant no kids in school!

I would ask my mum or kids dad or his parents to pick up in an emergency, although I realise I’m very lucky that I have grandparents locally. That being said, I do have friends I can ask if I am in a pickle - but I wouldn’t ask a whole group of people I’d only ask the ones I know. Also, a lot of them drive to school so there’s the whole issue of car seats and a lot of them wouldn’t have room for my kids as well as theirs.

Only been late to school once. Never been late for pick up - I wfh and all my appointments are set well before pick up time. I rarely make afternoon appointments that involve me leaving my house in case they run over and I don’t get back in time. I only ever do morning ones. And I agree with the pp who said that it’s always the same bunch of kids waiting for their late parents. At that point it’s just bad planning. But yes I’m aware that I’m lucky to wfh in a flexible job. But this is one reason why I’ve stayed in this job for years when others have left - I probably could be earning more if I looked elsewhere, but I value the flexibility more than ££ right now.

If someone stopped me whilst I was running out the office - when I was still in the office - then I would just say “sorry I’ve got to get the kids, speak tomorrow”. I’d always allow 45 minutes to get to school even though the journey only takes 20.

That’s not to say I’ve never forgotten something or fucked up or needed help but I haven’t put it on a huge group for all to see. I’d message individually.

But I’m a single parent and the buck stops with me. It always has done, even when I was still with their dad. He’d do the odd school run if he wasn’t working but no way would he consider changing his hours for our children, or ask to leave work because of a child emergency. So I had to learn from day 1 that I couldn’t rely on him. But honestly? It’s better this way

WhatsApp/school Facebook didn't exist when my children were at primary .
Goodness knows how we managed!

We did.

This is getting more bizarre with each page. It's almost like you can fathom other people's lives being different to yours.
For the record, I'm a social animal with lots of friends - not one of them at the school gates. We're all friendly enough to each other but the only thing we have in common is having a child of the same age, as well as, apparently, having jobs that allow us to leave in time for pick up (or as us the case for lots of us, us and husbands work from home and able to nip out)

We have a class WhatsApp group and never ever had anyone asked another parent to collect their child.

But what if you're running out the office and you're stopped by someone?-I politely tell them I cannot talk as I have to get to the school.
What about the rubbish truck that blocks the whole bloody road at ten to three?- then I'll be a little bit late.
The fire alarm that goes off and leaves you trapped in the car park at work when your car keys are in your coat pocket by your desk?- then I'll be very late...but IMO these rarely happen (have never happened me) so it's not exactly my fault.

It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in

Judgey imo. I don't ask for favours. I don't need to for myriad reasons. That's neither sad nor insular, it's just how I/we are able to/prefer to live.

We are social animals we know

Some are, some aren't. But that's nothing to do with asking favours or being hyper-organised.

I've usually been the mum doing the favours. Taking an extra child or two to school, bringing an extra one home. I've never minded at all. I'm lucky to have a part time job that fits in around school hours and only one DC, so not too much to juggle.

But recently I've had to ask for some return favours and I feel so incredibly guilty for putting on people. I just can't do it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Erm, I have 3 DC and work FT. Picking up and dropping off your DC at school is the most basic of parenting responsibilities. You just get a grip and do it like you feed, clothe, stimulate and rest them. If you can't do it because of circumstances (e.g. a job that insists you can't work around it) you subcontract it out and pay someone. None of this is news.

@TeaAndBrie

In my experience these are often the mums that aren’t juggling jobs as well

DH and I both work full time but we don't forget things or ask for favours. We just juggle things between us and I write everything on the calendar as soon as I find out about it, or I'd forget. We use after school club twice a week. If you don't have a supportive co-parent who pulls their weight though I can see how it would be super stressful having to carry the mental and practical load yourself.

A combination of planning, help from grandparents to cover school holidays and I work from home (always have pre-Covid). The main reason I don’t ask other parents for favours is I know we run so close to the wire, I don’t have the capacity to reciprocate. If someone was in a real bind (running late for pick up or too ill to make the school run) then of course I would help, but I couldn’t make a regular arrangement.

We are lucky in that the school has a very good after school provision too, so we have spent a great deal those over the years as well as holiday clubs. Now the children are a bit older they can be at home during holidays whilst I’m working for the odd week or two.

Singe parent, work a full-time very busy job, can't remember ever asking another parent for help. It's just about being organised eg clubs on the days I have to work longer days and reading the school emails as soon as they come in and popping them in my diary etc. Sorry if that wasn't the answer you wanted to hear but it's my responsibility to organise my child so wouldn't consider asking other parents but maybe that's just me.

I’m a stay at home parent (so I fully expect to be responsible for knowing about inset days and homework and what day they need their piano music), I live a short walk from school, my husband works from home and my parents live close by. And in an emergency that those didn’t cover I’d WhatsApp one or two individual parents in good friends and swap favours with, not the whole class.

No nutritious snacks here though!

@qualitygirl

We have a class WhatsApp group and never ever had anyone asked another parent to collect their child.

But what if you're running out the office and you're stopped by someone?-I politely tell them I cannot talk as I have to get to the school.
What about the rubbish truck that blocks the whole bloody road at ten to three?- then I'll be a little bit late.
The fire alarm that goes off and leaves you trapped in the car park at work when your car keys are in your coat pocket by your desk?- then I'll be very late...but IMO these rarely happen (have never happened me) so it's not exactly my fault.

I don't work because I don't want these random problems and stresses...I sacrifice a wage to save my sanity. I don't see why I should use my time in order to allow others to make money when I don't

@Eyjafjallajokulldottir

If you're repeatedly finding it too difficult to pick up your kids on time youneed to get your shit together. It's really not hard. Or hire a nanny.

This

A working mum asking a sahm for a childcare favour is no different imo to a sahm asking a working mum for money.

"One mum is doing a language course and physically can't get to school in time as it's two buses away so I pick up her kid. The dad is working. What's the alternative, she quits learning English, can't find a job and is trapped in poverty"
Did the mum agree to do the language course before sorting out childcare? If so I'm afraid that is really her issue m. If you've agreed to be her childcare prior to this that is completely different.
Everyone has to manage school pick up, whether it be themselves, family or childcare or friends, it would be most parents priority and why most wouldn't be continually asking for help on a WhatsApp group

I was one of those Mums.
A SAHM.

I think the council estate bit is because my experience is that it's very community minded (at times!) I find my kids current school is a bit depressing how everyone just loads their kids into a 4x4 and drives off to their own house and shuts the door. Kids on iPads, mums and dads back on laptops. This isn't judgemental because this is what I do too! I'm slightly envious of the mums who walk home with their kids and buggies and stop in the local pub for a pint in the sun, whilst their kids run around the beer garden. I wonder who's kids will grow up happier, mine or theirs?

I have never asked, I also don't think there is a class wide WhatsApp, the cliquey mums definitely have one but I'm not in it. I work part time which helps but on my working days we use wraparound care. I remember stuff by writing it in a calendar and sticking things on the fridge. I've never been late for pick up or forgotten any deadlines, I think I am with the majority!