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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents who never ask other parents for favours?

493 replies

80caloriesofbiscuitplease · 30/06/2021 19:06

Like how do they do it?
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, most primary schools have a primary school WhatsApp group. 90% of the chat is 'I'm going to be late' 'is anyone able to pick up Destiny on Wednesday?' 'Help I didn't know there was an inset day!'
There are about four regular mums who constantly ask these kind of things (of which I might be one Wink)
The rest stay silent on the matters (as in they don't offer or ask) what I want to know is how the duck do they manage it?
How can you never be late, or struggle to pick up your child or cover the endless holidays? How can you never forget the date of homework's or the theme of dressing up day or the name of the TA? How can you consistently just keep all of this knowledge inside and be fulfilled and busy and well off and yet be at the school gate at five past ducking three every single day? To never look sweaty or harassed or answer emails in the park? To always have snacks that are well packed and nutritious?
How how how???

OP posts:
Demelza82 · 30/06/2021 19:26

I'm probably one of those parents who never asks for help but I have helped others.

I only have one child so that helps but I also have a job that is high pressured at times and use wrap around care at school when needed. I don't like asking others for help and am slightly bemused by the complicated childcare arrangemebt that other parents have - it only takes a small family crisis or an illness for that all to fall apart. I really, really don't like relying on other people.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/06/2021 19:26

also I think you are projecting way too much.

most people don't wear their hearts on their sleeves so they might look on top of things but they are not.

I used to get comments about how cheerful and organised I am - I'd just say thanks because I don't fancy breaking down in tears to acquaintances.
but my family & friends know the truth and it's far from any accidental & unintentional image.

I certainly don't look put together anyway and nowadays do school pick ups in pyjamas - I send in DS3 to collect the others so I don't have to leave the car.
🤷‍♀️

LannieDuck · 30/06/2021 19:27

The same way I meet work deadlines and I'm on time for meetings - I prioritise and put effort into it.

Sometimes it's hard work to juggle everything, and it doesn't just happen by itself, but yes - DH and I manage it.

Original poster
80caloriesofbiscuitplease · 30/06/2021 19:27

I find this all very sad that some people aren't comfortable enough with eachother to ask for help when they need it.
Yes I ask from time to time but I do far more than I ask. I drive whilst a lot of the other mums don't so will offer lifts to party's, when it's raining, when the mums are sick etc. I also let the other working single parents know if I've got annual leave if it helps them save money on holiday club or we do swaps. I can always rely on them and they rely on me too.
It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in. We are social animals we know!

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 30/06/2021 19:27

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease if I was running late I’d phone the school. I’d then phone a school mum if needed and ask them to get my child for ten minutes

Absolutely no way would I put it onto the WhatsApp group to be jumped on my 40 judgey mums

99% of the time I have my shit together. 1% I don’t let everyone know that I don’t

MadeOfStarStuff · 30/06/2021 19:27

If there’s four of you out of a class of 30 that are regularly asking for favours, you’re the odd ones out, not the organised ones!

Or maybe they’re just as disorganised as you four but hide it better!

I would assume some are SAHP or have grandparents on hand to help. Some probably have one or two close friends that they message privately rather than one the class WhatsApp.

ElspethFlashman · 30/06/2021 19:28

I literally cannot imagine stopping to actually give someone my time when I'm out the door to pick up my kid. Sorry, but I'm off the clock and my kid is waiting so fuck off.

Or more realistically "CAN'T STOP, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT FIRST THING, BYEEEEEEE!"

Demelza82 · 30/06/2021 19:29

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease

I find this all very sad that some people aren't comfortable enough with eachother to ask for help when they need it. Yes I ask from time to time but I do far more than I ask. I drive whilst a lot of the other mums don't so will offer lifts to party's, when it's raining, when the mums are sick etc. I also let the other working single parents know if I've got annual leave if it helps them save money on holiday club or we do swaps. I can always rely on them and they rely on me too. It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in. We are social animals we know!
Nope, some of us are just more self-sufficient and capable than others.....
Dragonn · 30/06/2021 19:29

But if you're getting stuck at work or in traffic on a regular basis then you need to adjust your plans.

JoyOrbison · 30/06/2021 19:29

Never was in a WhatsApp group but, from school end I can confirm they are a royal. Pita at times - mostly whipping parents into a frenzy Re who had covid to close a bubble, which child made their child cry, bitching about staff or scho ol so one person's issue becomes a group agenda when it's not really anyone else's problem, deciding to often wrongly identify name and shame the nit spreader, the cold spreader, bit ching about a child because their child came home telling a tale, often a very distorted version of events, and hettingbthe child a bad name amongst parents. Parents deciding it's OK for their kids to be fighting at school, coz you know they play footy together they're only mucking about, ignoring the fact they are bullying other children.

Yep, ignore newsletters, school apps etc and rely on WhatsApp. It's a bloody pita!!

Clymene · 30/06/2021 19:29

@TeaAndBrie

In my experience these are often the mums that aren’t juggling jobs as well
In my experience it's the mums who aren't juggling jobs as well. I think I've asked other parents for help about 3 times in 10 years of having kids at school. I have to be organised.
Treezan82 · 30/06/2021 19:30

Are you a single parent?
For us, we pick dd up from school and pick her up around our work hours - the days we are both at work at pick up/drop off time we have a childminder who does the wraparound. I work a 40 hour week in 4 days so my day is always the same and dh works from home and blocks the time out of his calendar. For things like Inset days, my parents help out. Other things we need to remember like homework or own clothes day, we are both on the whatsapp groups so normally one of us remember and we write things on the calendar. Life definitely gets busy sometimes and things get forgotten but it's not the end of the world.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/06/2021 19:30

What often happens is that parents are friends with each other and organise help/ childcare within their own friendship groups. Often little Tallilah is picked up by James’s mum/ granny and vice versa and that would not have been arranged via class whatsapp group.

Even if people are not friends with other parents, they will ask privately those who they think are most likely to help: parents of the children’s playmates or whoever lives on their street.

Dragonn · 30/06/2021 19:31

I also let the other working single parents know if I've got annual leave if it helps them save money on holiday club or we do swaps

But this seems like things that have been planned.

SinkGirl · 30/06/2021 19:31

Because some of us have no one to ask! No one can pick up or take care of disabled twins. So I can’t ever be late, or have plans or a normal job.

When they were at nursery DH and I tried to have days out twice:

Once on my birthday, we bought cinema tickets, bought popcorn and sat down and got a call to say one had chicken pox.

On DH’s birthday we went for a loved relaxing spa day, had a car accident on the way home and I had to call a taxi to get me and the car seats from the side of a country road and just made it to nursery before they closed while DH waited for the recovery vehicle. Cost a fortune.

So basically we do nothing together. He works full time, I work a few hours a week. Being late, not being there when their school bus drops off isn’t an option - we did manage a cinema trip on Monday as DH had the day off, but couldn’t go for food after as there was only an hour and a half to eat and get home and if we’d been delayed we would have been screwed.

It’s utterly shit. But I think most people are used to having more fallback plans than we do and maybe take for granted that someone will help if needed so they don’t have to be so restricted. I’m massively jealous!

babybythesea · 30/06/2021 19:31

I ask for favours quite a bit. But not on any groups. I have a group of friends and we trade favours all the time. I had extra children here before school last week as Mum is away and Dad needed help. And then again after school. I had extra kids here last night because mum was in a meeting. Very small community here - very much ‘it takes a village to raise a child.’ It’s not uncommon at all but it’s not done on any public forum.

Original poster
80caloriesofbiscuitplease · 30/06/2021 19:31

What are these magical careers where you have to use your exceptional organisation skills and yet they're happy for you to skip out the door at 2.30?

OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 30/06/2021 19:32

Ive never missed / forgotten anything to do with school. Never been late. I'm the one people ask
To sort their kids shit out when they've forgotten. I don't work though so never needed childcare.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/06/2021 19:32

You get nothing for nothing in this world.
Best looking after your own stuff.
I was organised on time with my first I'd collect other DC until late parents arrived the parents who ask for a favour don't change.
I was a bit of a mug.

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/06/2021 19:33

I am a lp with no family support. My ds in in high school, despite having meltdowns on the way to school at times ( he has adhd/asd) i factored in time for that. We aimed for the gate opening not the bell . The same with collection.

Snacks.. how hard is it to grab an apple.

And yes i would go through newsletter and pop it on the calendar.

As for the list of excuses. You need to leave 5 minutes earlier as these are all reasons if you are cutting it fine.

Embracelife · 30/06/2021 19:34

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease

But what if you're running out the office and you're stopped by someone? What about the rubbish truck that blocks the whole bloody road at ten to three? The fire alarm that goes off and leaves you trapped in the car park at work when your car keys are in your coat pocket by your desk? Do these things never happen to you all?
They probably WhatsApp select people directly Who they have an arrangement with Not on a group chat

Not all conversations will be on the group chat.

Gazelda · 30/06/2021 19:34

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease

I find this all very sad that some people aren't comfortable enough with eachother to ask for help when they need it. Yes I ask from time to time but I do far more than I ask. I drive whilst a lot of the other mums don't so will offer lifts to party's, when it's raining, when the mums are sick etc. I also let the other working single parents know if I've got annual leave if it helps them save money on holiday club or we do swaps. I can always rely on them and they rely on me too. It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in. We are social animals we know!
That comes across as a little judgmental OP.

Some people are organised.
Some people get by quietly while flapping behind the scenes.
Some ask for help.
Some don't ask for help and aren't managing.

We all do it in a way that works for us.

Personally, I was an older mum of one. I'd 'earned' flexibility at work and organising is something I do naturally well. I'm fiercely independent and hate asking for help.

I'm 100% certain that other school gate mums thought I considered myself smugly perfect. I was constantly stressing inside, juggling like everyone else and hoping I was giving the best I could to my child, family and employer.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/06/2021 19:34

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease

I find this all very sad that some people aren't comfortable enough with eachother to ask for help when they need it. Yes I ask from time to time but I do far more than I ask. I drive whilst a lot of the other mums don't so will offer lifts to party's, when it's raining, when the mums are sick etc. I also let the other working single parents know if I've got annual leave if it helps them save money on holiday club or we do swaps. I can always rely on them and they rely on me too. It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in. We are social animals we know!
hang on, are you now judging people to be less sociable then you because they don't ask for help publicly?

do you realise how passive aggressive that is?

just because you don't know what's going on it doesn't mean nothing is going on.
it's just happening without your involvement.
or maybe people just have their shit together

Original poster
80caloriesofbiscuitplease · 30/06/2021 19:35

@EmeraldShamrock I feel sorry for you, that's a very bitter way to look at the world. People are great. You should trust them more.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 30/06/2021 19:35

I have never once asked for a favour from other mums. I'm pretty organised ..if I knew I might be late, I'd rather pay for after-school club than ask someone to help. When my youngest DC had a morning hospital appointment, I put my eldest in the school breakfast club rather than just ask another mum to take him in. I generally hate asking anyone for help with anything...a horrible hangover from my childhood there. I'd rather wrap myself up in knots and throw money I don't have at the problem