Parents who never ask other parents for favours?

[80caloriesofbiscuitplease]

Like how do they do it?
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, most primary schools have a primary school WhatsApp group. 90% of the chat is 'I'm going to be late' 'is anyone able to pick up Destiny on Wednesday?' 'Help I didn't know there was an inset day!'
There are about four regular mums who constantly ask these kind of things (of which I might be one )
The rest stay silent on the matters (as in they don't offer or ask) what I want to know is how the duck do they manage it?
How can you never be late, or struggle to pick up your child or cover the endless holidays? How can you never forget the date of homework's or the theme of dressing up day or the name of the TA? How can you consistently just keep all of this knowledge inside and be fulfilled and busy and well off and yet be at the school gate at five past ducking three every single day? To never look sweaty or harassed or answer emails in the park? To always have snacks that are well packed and nutritious?
How how how???

I'm naturally organised bordering on obsessive with my planning OP. I suspect these people are able to do it for the reasons several PPs mention above and are also just natural planners.

There are many times I wish I wasn't so organised though! It can stop you living in and enjoying the moment a lot especially with a DC x

There are many times I wish I wasn't so organised though! It can stop you living in and enjoying the moment a lot especially with a DC x

It shouldn't. Stressing and running around to catch up with everything at the last minute must be exhausting.

[quote 80caloriesofbiscuitplease]What are these magical careers where you have to use your exceptional organisation skills and yet they're happy for you to skip out the door at 2.30?[/quote]
Media

Partner works from home so he ensures children leave for school on time and that they get back okay. They are old enough to amuse themselves when he is working.

When a school newsletter comes through on email I update my diary to reflect anything I need to remember (dress down days etc).

Holidays are not an issue as I work in education so I can look after them . I want to change career but can't until children are a bit older as I'd really miss spending all of the holidays with them - especially summer.

@kindaclassy

I'm slightly envious of the mums who walk home with their kids and buggies and stop in the local pub for a pint in the sun

huh!?!? who does that

I've been to the cafe bar near school for a glass of wine on a Friday with another mum while the kids play on the beach. I might not ask for favours but I'm still sociable!

@megletthesecond

I suppose I'm so used to being responsible for everything (lone working parent) that it all sinks in. Never late, never forgot anything. Good calendar in my head.

This. Occasionally I might forget to send a letter back in, but the weight of responsibility feels huge. I have everything in my work calendar so I don’t forget. I have a couple of non school friends who could get her if my train was delayed or in an emergency but I’ve really only use them twice in the whole time she’s been at school. I’d feel mortified if I was running around asking favours all the time - and I have to say, am sure I would be judged for it as a single working mother.

Something so so off about that comment about the pub.

So one lot of mums are all driving 4x4s and going straight home to go on their laptops.

The other option is you meander home with the other scummy mummys and stop for a pint of snakebite while the kids play with used needles in the pub car park?

My situation is that I’m a working mum with no real relationship with any of the other mums (4x4 or otherwise). I am often harassed, I often forget things or miss things (due to a diagnosed condition) but we just get on with it. I’m lucky now that I work from home most of the time and it is making life easier in that regard. My husband is totally not an option if one of them needed collected mid day or something so I’d have to go or ask my mum or something. Surely most people just rely on family for these types of emergencies?

It’s amazing that you’re able to help out other mums while also needing help yourself. I suppose that is a nice way to have things. I’m certain that there are mums that if I sent a message and said I’ve had a major crisis can you take my two home with you for half an hour they would be absolutely happy to help out if they could! And me too but that’s a worst case scenario.

a pint in the sun

What sun????
now I know you are lying through your teeth

I have a group of school parent friends that I ask favours from and return them. I have a partner who works away for long periods and no family nearby so I sometimes need help as do others. I work full time and sometimes I run a bit late or someone else does. I guess it depends on your circumstances and what support you have. Or you never get ill or caught up at work!

Do these things never happen to you all?

I think most people have OCCASIONAL times where things are outside their control (a major accident on the main route to school/childcare, a major emergency with work etc) but for the most part it's due to making an effort...or not!

I also used to be a childminder and it was ALWAYS the same parents "running late" or "couldn't get away from work" etc I quickly learned I had to get tough as a couple were absolutely taking the piss and not appearing way past collection time on one occasion almost 8pm that eve and had clearly gone for a drink after work!

Barring GENUINE emergencies there is really no excuse these days with the tech we have available.

I have one child but even so, pre smart phones I managed as a single mum by:

Using a diary, a whiteboard and a calendar and checking them on a Sunday to prepare for the week and each evening too as a quick "heads up" to myself

Checking dds bag thoroughly myself for letters about dress up days etc

Having a schedule so that eg PE kit always washed and ready

Only having jobs I could fit around both childcare and travel time (and allowing for at least 10 mins extra on that travel time to allow for regular issues like delayed trains, roadworks etc)

Having reliable paid for childcare that I didn't take for granted

IF - and it was rare - I did ask for a favour eg to cover a medical appointment then I would always get the person who did me the favour a small gift (box of chocs, bottle of wine) and also returned such favours wherever possible

Again as a childminder and also just generally in life I know people who aren't organised and who continually as for such favours - but rarely return them and in every case it was due to not making the effort to be organised and frankly not prioritising their dc as they should.

I've also dealt with and seen the effects on the dc to be parented this way, it's not good for them.

But what if you're running out the office and you're stopped by someone?

You explain you're heading out to collect dc from childcare and promise to contact them ASAP and deal with their issue (and stick to that!)

What about the rubbish truck that blocks the whole bloody road at ten to three?

You build in time to your routine to allow for potential small delays - they happen often enough that this is basic planning and necessary, for things which occur on a regular basis - like bin collections - you plan accordingly

The fire alarm that goes off and leaves you trapped in the car park at work when your car keys are in your coat pocket by your desk?

Depends on the job of course but in many jobs it's possible to have in your pocket at all times just in case - keys, cash, phone or at least keys

But that could fall under "rare emergency" if it is rare - if it isn't (If you work somewhere that idiots do this kinda thing - setting fire alarms off - regularly) then again I would be in the habit of purse, cash and keys in pocket at all times

I see the same people every morning who are late dropping their kids off

Yep! It's very much the same people repeatedly

Also

• lower standards in other areas of my life

Eg house not always spotless, hardly ever wore make up, less of a social life for a while, accepting the ltd job options

Outsourcing - if you have the money/ability online deliveries were starting to become more popular around when dd started school so I started doing that and ordering and arranging deliveries for when she was in bed, some I knew had cleaners in or sent laundry out etc

@kowari yep dd independent from a relatively young age too. Helping out with chores, keeping on top of knowing what she needed each day for school - I made it a habit we/she had that school bag was prepped night before except lunch which was also prepped but stored in fridge and we/she just had to grab her lunch box of a morning

I've also BEEN the child of a perpetually late parent! It's horrible! Horrible being late to school and getting told off even though it wasn't your fault, horrible being the last kid collected and feeling lonely and forgotten.

In adult years I noticed she massively underestimates/forgets how long x journey takes to do. She lives 9 miles from me now, based on the route and usual traffic patterns around here it takes at least 20 mins from her to me and that's not including getting in the car etc, literally point a to point b - if you ask her she will SWEAR it's "5 minutes away" and she means that literally too. She honestly believes that if she is meant to be at mine for say noon, if she leaves at 11.56am that's plenty of time! Plus she's a terrible faffer! She'll say she's ready then prat about putting a laundry load on, watering plants etc...

It's maddening! In recent years when we're meeting I've taken to telling her we're meant to be doing so an hour earlier than needed and even then often I'm lucky if she makes it on time!

My sister is even worse (we're now nc for this and many many other reasons this is a relatively minor one) she is regularly 3/4/5 HOURS late for all kinds of things inc work (she's never held a job for more than 18 months), medical appointments (hers and dcs) even once for Court! And the reason she was in court? She was getting done for speeding because yep! She was running late collecting kids from school!

It really is the same people every time with this kind of thing and it's rarely because they're genuinely incapable due to some executive functioning issue as people with that kind of difficulty I've found tend to plan even more than the rest of us and use tools to help them.

but I do far more than I ask.

Really?

That seems like back pedalling to me considering the way the thread has gone

It's a sad, insular society some of you seem to live in

1 not everyone has a support network through no fault of their own

2 not everyone feels comfortable having people they barely know collecting/caring for their dcs. I'm a survivor of csa and I was very cautious about who had care of dd. Frankly I'm bewildered at the parents who will let virtual strangers collect/watch their dc

Or more realistically "CAN'T STOP, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT FIRST THING, BYEEEEEEE!"

Exactly!

Collaborative arrangements are not what you are meaning here

I had a good friend who was also a single mum when dd was younger and we'd work things out between us that allowed us to have a social life to some degree by being each other's "babysitting circle" but it was very much turn about and neither relied on the other unfairly.

That was unnecessarily rude to @EmeraldShamrock op

I'm 49 now and I'm with them - people are not trustworthy and you don't get anything without a price in this world - what you have to learn to asses is if the price is worth paying.

Also I usually find that people with a more optimistic take on a subject like this tend to be the cfs of the world - because they expect others to bail them out constantly and "ask" for help in ways that make it very hard for reasonable normal people to say no.

@Milesbennettdyson yes I'm suspicious of OVERLY solicitous people too having seen this type of person in operation. They're very keen to rack up favours points precisely for when they can cash them in!

It's no skin off my nose and means I don't feel guilty if I ask a favour back.

See?

if it’s repeated then it’s just lack of preparation.

Precisely

It's very entitled behaviour expecting that SOMEONE will pick up your slack

There's a saying

"Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine"

Or

"Your fuck up is not my emergency"

Dd also used to tease me I had the same bag as Mel (Michelle pfeiffer) in one fine day!

At least until she was high school age I used a backpack style bag and in it was always:

Wet wipes & pocket pack of tissues

Spare leggings/tights for each of us

Mini first aid wallet (a small bag leftover from dds changing bag) - Paracetamol, Elastoplasts and a tubigrip (this one is a bit niche, dd had an as yet undx disability which makes her prone to certain injuries), cool patches (the gel ones for headaches so basically like carrying a cold compress), safety pins, peppermint gum (relieves indigestion, trapped wind etc but must be peppermint), mini tin Vaseline, small bottle tea tree oil

Mini hand held puzzles for dd (those slide around ones for public transport delays)

Pencil case (containing ballpoint pens, propelling pencils with eraser tips, elastic bands, paper clips, colourful marker pens, small post it pad)

Hair elastics and Kirby grips

Granny hoods

A Scarf of thin fabric (useful for many emergencies, such scarves have in their time been used as bandage, sling, cover up for a wardrobe emergency, emergency hair covering and...neck warmer

)
Juice box/bottle of water, cereal bar/s, small bags dried fruit

Spare plastic carrier bag (yea I know I know but you don't really want to use a reusable bag for catching vomit!)

And wore trainers so I could run if I had to.

Yep I rarely wore heels at this stage and if I did I'd be channeling mel Griffith in working girl and wearing trainers to get to work and then changing into heels which were kept at work. The younger colleagues weren't aware of working girl/this eighties trend and started doing the same and thanking me for saving their feet on their long commute!

That's not magic/superiority/flexibility, it's factoring in time for things like this once you know that they are likely.

Definitely

This isn't a mystical ability it's a learned skill and if your parents didn't teach you then teach yourself

Doesn't seem like you are taking them in!

Agreed

I think op was expecting unqualified sympathy/empathy and support rather than...well what happened!

Maybe that's my council estate childhood

Oh for crying out loud are you seriously playing the "deprived childhood" card on this?! Do you really think NONE of the posters responding had shit childhoods?

who have I judged?

Pretty much anyone who's disagreed with you!

I grew up in the military community which is a very supportive community BUT where the people are organised and not generally cfs! The cfs tended to quickly be recognised and called out.

I am also a Glaswegian my parents were both born in a scheme in an infamously rough part of glasgow - again organisations and helping out in GENUINE emergencies all well and good - bailing out the repeatedly flakey?! Absolutely not!

You can be sociable AND organised

Absolutely!

Frankly it's fairly anti-social to be a flakey cf that expects others to bail you out because you failed to sufficiently prepare/plan.

My kids went to a primary school that backed onto a pub with a massive beer garden and was next to a kids park. Some Friday nights in the summer ended at 10 pm and plates and plates of chicken nuggets and chips.

It was divine and I remember the mums so fondly. We always helped each other out. It got to the point where one would simply text the other and say 'your kids want to come to mine tomorrow night you can pick them up after dinner'. We were doctors, lawyers, accountants, artists, working full time or part time and some stay at home mothers, some a mixture of both over the years, some still having babies, some all finished.

I had an arrangement with another twin mum where we would take all of each other's kids every other Friday night from the end of school until after dinner to give the other some alone time.

We never had to worry about building in time for unforeseen delays because we didn't have to. we had each other's backs and 10 years and 2 countries down the track I still love them all and always get together with them when I go back home.

But pick up time is pick up time. Can't courses and lessons be arranged for times between the start and end of school? Or in the evenings?

Ah now come on.

Do you really believe the world is geared to accommodate the needs of women with families?

OP I drive 30 miles in rush hour traffic to pick up my youngest two kids a week from after school club and manage to never be late because I set off ON TIME WITH TIME TO SPARE.

One day no doubt there will be a crash on the motorway and I'll be stuck even though I set off early but I would ask my teenage to son pick her up- he's on the books of after school club and knows to always check his phone. In other words, we have a contingency plan in case of emergency, as everyone should.

I know not everyone has a teenage son but the point is that we have a plan for an emergency. We wouldn't be scrabbling around at the last minute.

It's just called being organised. You have to learn how to do it if you aren't naturally organised. That's your responsibility as part of being a functioning adult/parent. It's not a magical skill- you just have to devote time to it and not be a cheeky fucker.

You just need to be more organised, ie ... Why would you be late picking up your kids from school (unless it's an emergency)? If you're out then you plan to be back at least 30 minutes before school pick up. If it's inset day you put it in your online calendar and set a reminder for 48 hours before.

In my personal experience with this kind of thing was that I too once got wrapped up in mum's whatsapp groups. At the time I wasn't working, I would find that I would get asked a lot to pick up, babysit etc and was never appreciated or the favour returned.

So now I never ask nor offer my help.

I hold down a full time job and never has to ask for any help when son at primary school. I always knew what was on and when. It's called being organised. Only way to run a busy company and have a child.

I'm in a WhatsApp group for senior school and I'm always the one passing on the information for the last minute questions from other parents.

And holidays, i forked out a small fortune on clubs for the holidays, booking in advance so all organised

I guess I'm just an organised type of person

No WhatsApp school group here but I could message a school mum I'm friendly with up do it in an emergency. This would be once every year or two, not weekly though.

When I'm at work I don't do pick ups though, as I finish much later than school so have alternative childcare arranged. On my days off there is no excuse. The only time I can think it happened on a day off was when the dentist was running 1.5 hours late and they wouldn't let me leave to collect my child without losing my slot, despite the school being opposite the dentist! I was having treatment, not just a checkup otherwise I'd have rearranged. Someone picked her up and delivered her to the doctors waiting room for me.

It all just sounds like the mum from motherland

How can you never be late, or struggle to pick up your child or cover the endless holidays? How can you never forget the date of homework's or the theme of dressing up day or the name of the TA? How can you consistently just keep all of this knowledge inside and be fulfilled and busy and well off and yet be at the school gate at five past ducking three every single day? To never look sweaty or harassed or answer emails in the park? To always have snacks that are well packed and nutritious?
How how how???

Everyone is late from time to time - life happens, emergencies happen and dealing with it is just part of life. These shouldn’t be regular occurrences though. There’s a difference between having an emergency and thinking it’s somehow rocket science to put an apple or banana in your handbag it’s just being a parent (and grown up in general) to keep on top of these things.

I also think in an emergency you just message a couple of people you are close with and know could maybe help. Not an entire class whatsapp group.