Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate poems in wedding invites, asking for money?

269 replies

payformymarriage · 30/06/2021 18:27

Just having this discussion with SIL.

You know the type ...
‘All we want at our wedding is your company..BUT.....’
Usually made into a cheesy poem so it doesn’t sound as CF-ish.
I think it’s so tacky. See also John Lewis wish lists etc

AIBU?

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/07/2021 14:35

@TheKeatingFive

Yes but plenty feel pressure to give more than they can afford

And they shouldn’t. And only they can fix that.

It’s even worse, in my eyes for someone who has very little, spending it on a present that’s neither wanted nor needed, that will end up stuck in a drawer or sent to a charity shop. What terrible waste of their limited funds.

We need to move on from this ridiculous culture.

I agree, if you don't need things to set up house, then say NO gifts and then people won't feel obligated to hand over more cash than they can afford.
ShirleyPhallus · 01/07/2021 14:39

[quote payformymarriage]@TheKeatingFive I don’t ignore them, just don’t like them!
A very good friend of mine did ‘the poem’. I got them dollars for their honeymoon but it just felt like zero effort for someone I love to bits! So got them framed lyrics of their first dance, which they loved. Things like this you don’t tend to get for yourself.[/quote]
Framed lyrics of my first dance would be a top 5 nightmare gift to me!

TheKeatingFive · 01/07/2021 14:42

Framed lyrics of my first dance would be a top 5 nightmare gift to me!

It wouldn’t do it for me either. 😳

But I get how some would like it.

lop124 · 01/07/2021 14:42

There was a very similar thread to this a couple of weeks ago. Personally I don't mind giving money but I have a godmother in her 80s who would hate this. She's not well off, she'd far rather give a wrapped up present that she's maybe found in the sales or whatever, than £15 in an envelope.

Appreciate the usefulness/wastefulness benefit, but lots of posters have said that guests shouldn't be embarrassed to give a small amount of money. This may be true but she would be embarrassed, irrespective of whether she should be or not. And I'm sitting here next to an "off piste" fruit bowl someone gave me at my wedding twenty years ago which I now prefer to some of the things on my gift list...

TheKeatingFive · 01/07/2021 14:48

Appreciate the usefulness/wastefulness benefit

The problem is, it’s fine as you describe, one person doing it, no big deal, but when that becomes multiples of stuff you don’t want or need, you have a small house, limited storage, what do you do with it?

Like my 3 wine decanters, not one of which I’ve ever used.

Or my friend in a tiny rented flat in NY. She literally didn’t have room for anything. It would cost her to put stuff into storage.

Our relationship with stuff has changed significantly. Etiquette can lag behind, but it’s just wasteful at this point, we need to shift this culture.

HumunaHey · 01/07/2021 14:59

@lop124

There was a very similar thread to this a couple of weeks ago. Personally I don't mind giving money but I have a godmother in her 80s who would hate this. She's not well off, she'd far rather give a wrapped up present that she's maybe found in the sales or whatever, than £15 in an envelope.

Appreciate the usefulness/wastefulness benefit, but lots of posters have said that guests shouldn't be embarrassed to give a small amount of money. This may be true but she would be embarrassed, irrespective of whether she should be or not. And I'm sitting here next to an "off piste" fruit bowl someone gave me at my wedding twenty years ago which I now prefer to some of the things on my gift list...

Most weddings will have AT LEAST 30 guests. I don't think people will remember who gave what amount. Especially if there are a large amount of guests.
lop124 · 01/07/2021 15:40

Surely you do remember who gave what amount, in order to write a thank you note? As you would with any gift at a wedding.

But the point remains the same. It's not whether you remember what each guest gave as the recipient, but that it makes them feel awkward as the giver. As I said, I'm happy to give money but I'd try to be thoughtful and flexible to take into account the feelings of less well-off guests.

lop124 · 01/07/2021 15:41

Just to add, I'm not saying you'd write a thank you note which specifies the amount given...that would be odd! But most people would quietly open cards and gifts after the wedding.

lazylump72 · 01/07/2021 15:46

Bloody hell its all bananas! If I were to get married again which I am not for the time being .for today is my 10th wedding anniversary, then I would do exactly like I did last time and elope! Takes the pressure of everyone!

Original poster
payformymarriage · 01/07/2021 15:51

@TheKeatingFive

Framed lyrics of my first dance would be a top 5 nightmare gift to me!

It wouldn’t do it for me either. 😳

But I get how some would like it.

Grin fair enough
OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/07/2021 15:53

I think there’s a danger of assuming our own experience of weddings is typical. So that’ll be why some people ask for cash, because it isn’t the norm for everyone

Normally I'd agree, except that with prectically everyone I know - and on almost every thread on here - folk say "most gave us cash", which really does seem to suggest it's the standard thing now (hence why I ask what the point is in requesting something that'll almost certainly happen anyway)

Admittedly you'll always get someone who'll give that dreadful vase no matter what, but they'll probably do it even if thumbscrews were threatened, so again I struggle to see the point

GoFishFingers · 01/07/2021 15:55

Is this thread a good place to ask how much to give? Been invited to my cousins wedding next week, there was no poem but a polite request for cash which I don't mind at all!!

For context: I'm going alone but DH and our 2 DC were invited (but it's on a school day some distance away). I'm not invited to the ceremony but I'm pretty sure that's for Covid reasons, I'm invited straight after the ceremony for the reception. I'm not close to cousin but love her and get on well. Only met her fiancé once.

I was going to give £50 but wondering if that is enough? I can comfortably afford more (but they don't necessarily know that). If all four of us were attending I'd probably give £100 - seems like a lot from just me though, is that weird??

TheKeatingFive · 01/07/2021 16:06

Sounds fine to me Smile

osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/07/2021 16:35

Sounds fine to me, too, but someone will be along in a second to tell you that in Ireland you give them a kidney and in Greece it's your first born child and in Asia it's the keys to your house.

TheKeatingFive · 01/07/2021 16:38

but someone will be along in a second to tell you that in Ireland you give them a kidney and in Greece it's your first born child and in Asia it's the keys to your house.

Good lord, behave yourself 😆

DysonSphere · 01/07/2021 16:47

I was going to give £50 but wondering if that is enough?

Depends on the culture.

but someone will be along in a second to tell you that in Ireland you give them a kidney and in Greece it's your first born child and in Asia it's the keys to your house.

Grin

But that's an added point. The culture of the couple will affect how gifts of money are received. For some people your £25 will be an insult and reflect a lack of effort, particularly if announced fairly far in advance so you have 'time to save'

For others it will be fine.

Gifts can't really be argued with as the 'thought' that went into it can't be quantified as easily really. And good taste is arguable

Tal45 · 01/07/2021 16:50

My mum got one of those poems in an invite and thought it was lovely and had been made up by the bride. I told her it was off the internet, everyone was doing it to make sure they get cash and that it was gross.

Clarich007 · 01/07/2021 16:50

Great idea I think.Maybe the poem not so much, but I think it's a good idea.It saves me hours in town wondering what the hell to but the happy couple.Easier all round.Job done 😃

Seren20 · 01/07/2021 16:50

Blimey, no idea what’s wrong with a JL gift list, I’d take that over a poem for money, ‘contributions to the honeymoon’ etc… or the worst I’ve ever heard of: a creative couple who asked their creative (and not so creative) friends to MAKE something for them if they wished to give them a gift! Shock

AlwaysLatte · 01/07/2021 16:51

We had a John Lewis gift list but with a wide range of gift values. If we did it again though I think I would rather ask for a plant for the garden or a bottle of wine.

Clarich007 · 01/07/2021 16:52

Sorry " buy not but "

osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/07/2021 16:53

@TheKeatingFive

but someone will be along in a second to tell you that in Ireland you give them a kidney and in Greece it's your first born child and in Asia it's the keys to your house.

Good lord, behave yourself 😆

And I was proven right with the very next post! LOL. Grin
Arbadacarba · 01/07/2021 16:54

I've missed these threads during the pandemic. Nice to see one again!

Original poster
payformymarriage · 01/07/2021 16:59

A garden plant is a good idea, I’m going to remember that one

OP posts:
YummyButter · 01/07/2021 17:00

@Riverrushing21

British people are just very stingy with money full stop... as many of the sentiments on this thread seem to back up. Other cultures are so much more generous and wouldn’t think twice about gifting large amounts. At a friend’s Greek wedding, people were literally sticking money to the bride’s dress and throwing notes at the couple, on top of giving wedding gifts!

Plus, as other previous posters have said, if you’re that annoyed by a poem on the wedding invite, then maybe you don’t care about the B&G enough in the first place to actually be going to the wedding....

@riverrushing21

I was thinking this too if I'm honest. I've literally heard about British people being very stingy and just sticking £20 in a card at a wedding. It's actually embarrassing, it's someone's wedding for crying out loud!!

If you can't afford it, that's completely different though.