To hate poems in wedding invites, asking for money?

[payformymarriage]

Just having this discussion with SIL.

You know the type ...
‘All we want at our wedding is your company..BUT.....’
Usually made into a cheesy poem so it doesn’t sound as CF-ish.
I think it’s so tacky. See also John Lewis wish lists etc

AIBU?

Isn’t it more that you’re worried you’ll just get what everyone else is. That’s my worry - unless there is a list that you can click and buy and then no one else can get the same gift, I’d worry with a free for all they’d end up with 50 silver photo frames ☺️

Wedding List (if desired). Used to be administered by the MOB or placed at a store. Wide range of items in all price brackets. People send presents or choose items from the list well in advance, so that the couple can send thank you letters when they receive presents or just after the wedding. Those not wishing to select a present from the list are at liberty to send a cheque.

Why on earth is that better for people who have all they need/live in small flats/don’t have much storage/don’t care much for ‘stuff’? Who would far prefer to have donations to a honeymoon or something IF people would like to give a gift?

The last five weddings I’ve been to have (politely) expressed a preference for honeymoon contributions. I’ve been delighted to do that as I know it will make them happy. They have no use for a Denby crockery set.

I dont mind giving money or vouchers....i haven't got the time or the inclination to be traipsing up and down the high street looking for the perfect gift.

Emeraldshamrock
It's not exclusively no gifts

Actually we've had a few wedding invites lately with requests for cash and specifying no gifts.

Wedding lists are very awkward especially if all the reasonably priced items are gone, you've to try go halves with another guest on a more expensive items, phone around check who is in a similar predicament etc.

I think it's fine to give money or express a preference to receive money if asked but I don't like the poems asking for money or gift lists. If you ask someone what they'd like and they then say money or direct you to a gift list, I think that's fine.

Actually we've had a few wedding invites lately with requests for cash and specifying no gifts.
There is no request on these invites people automatically give cash, some prefer to give gifts.
The requests/poems/ shouldn't be necessary if the couple live together.
In England from what I've read it's done or you'll get 50 frames.

When we were getting married we had already lived together for 10 years and had 3 kids. We didn't need anything but the number of people coming up to us asking where we were registered was crazy. (A couple of dozen people at least)
I even had a few people get quite forceful and pushy asking us what we wanted. Do we need towels? What about a picnic blanket? A Barbecue? Do we have enough vases? Are you wanting a new kettle?
They were stressing out not knowing what to buy us. (Our Landlady, lovely woman, went a bit nutso insisting yelling at me that she "couldn't possibly turn up empty handed!")
Whatever we did, we couldn't win. My mum was happy to spread the word with her family and friends that no gifts were wanted nor needed but if they insisted, money would be appreciated.
DH's mum however refused point blank to speak to anyone on her side. (They will have slighted her in some way once, like a nephew who didn't send a thank you card for an Easter Egg would result in said child and mother being snubbed for life) And it was his side giving ME the hassle about it (cos we all know, the man wouldn't have a clue about wedding gifts, right?)

I will forever regret caving and putting it on the bloody invites where the registry bit goes because shouldn't people know by now that if there's no gift registry, then they don't want anything?

So whilst I do hate the twee poems, I don't necessarily think it's grabby. I suppose it's an individual thing. You know the bride and groom. If they're usually grabby CFers, or have turned bridezilla and groomzilla during the process, then the request is grabby and greedy.
If they're nice but trying to avoid people getting stressed about what to bring, maybe they are just trying to say that they don't need anything but money or vouchers is a nice alternative for those who insist.

@Whatapalavaa

Agree. Grabby and would make me give nothing.

Would make you give nothing? Wow......

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I went to one wedding where the bride and groom wanted guests to donate to the dodgy group they supported and kept shouting out encouragements as their target wasn't reached. We left early without parting with any money and avoided being strong armed into paying for the leaflets/badly photocopied, home stapled brochures they wanted contributions for.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I actually think your behaviour was disgusting.
You should have at least given enough to cover your meals....

I actually think your behaviour was disgusting.
You should have at least given enough to cover your meals....

Where did this bizarre 'cover your plate' mentality come from, and don't tell me America because I lived there for over 30 years and never head the like. It's not a restaurant, no one puts a gun to peoples' heads and forces them to host with a meal. Does that mean if you're poor and you're invited to someone's fancy wedding that you shouldn't go unless you're able to hand over the cost of your meal, which may be something you can't afford? I can't imagine any host being so tit for tat and petty, I mean, why not just charge admission then?

Don’t mind giving money at all, especially when they say what it’s for. Hate the twee poems - make me reach for the sick bucket!

‘Cover your plate?’ Bloody hell now I’ve heard everything. Surely weddings are cut to the cloth the couple have ? I’ve been equally honoured to be a guest at an afternoon tea in tea shop reception as I have to be at a royal palace setting with bells and whistles. (Actually the tea shop was fantastic and one of the best weddings I’ve been to). Maybe I have misunderstood but if guests are being asked to pay for the wedding I’ll gladly decline the invite and wish them well and wish they had done something within their budget, not mine.

Surely weddings are cut to the cloth the couple have?

With some B&Gs, unfortunately not

Surprised you've not heard the "cover your plate" thing before though. I don't know where it came from either - it certainly wasn't the US, at least as any widespread thing - but folk seem to have grabbed it as a justification for expecting yet more, and called it a "tradition" because it suits

@payformymarriage

A lot of comments on the lines of ‘I’m so relieved as it means I don’t have to think what to get them or make any effort’ . They’ve invited you to their special day, presumably it is someone you are close to ( or your partner) otherwise why would they invite you but that’s another thread ....but you can’t be arsed to look for something for them?

Flip it on its head, if it’s someone you’re close to’ maybe consider a little more understanding not being an arse about then doing what most other people do and give a steer on gifts in their invitation?

And I can be arsed to look for a gift if required, as I seemingly do about every week for the various friends, family, kids and their birthdays. It is easier for me if they give me a list though, one less job alongside booking accommodation, choosing an outfit, sorting childcare etc (all of which I am happy to do but does take up time), and the bonus is that the gift will end up being something they want.

Besides most people seem to give cash if there’s no list so seemingly those people “can’t be bothered” to look for gifts either - is that ok with you?

You should have at least given enough to cover your meals....

Now, I am a big fan of giving money so something useful can be bought. But this "cover your plate" is ridiculous.

To the people asking where the "cover your plate" came from, it's simply from being a decent human being. I'm in Ireland, and never in a million years would anyone I know dream of going to a wedding and giving less than the price of their meals.

I'm astonished that people think it's acceptable to go to a wedding and give nothing, it's such a ridiculous, selfish attitude. Would you ever go to a birthday party and give nothing? Whereas, people only get married once, therefore they definitely deserve something.

To the people asking where the "cover your plate" came from, it's simply from being a decent human being

If I want to pay for my food I go to restaurant and pick what i want. I don't think it's "decent human being" case...
Again. I am for money as a gift, but this is very much a line

"Cover your plate"? Sorry, what? To my mind, wedding attendees are GUESTS, enjoying the hospitality of their HOST. If you cannot afford to cover/need your guests to pay for themselves, get your greedy, truffling noses out of the wedding racket trough and have a smaller budget with fewer guests. Then you can afford to be properly hospitable to those you invite.

If that means b&g and witnesses only, having fish & chips on knees with a bottle of plonk, tough shit. If you are put out about not essentially being able to have a party and be princess for a day, save up for longer; it's clearly not the marriage you're in it for.

YANBU. They’re tacky and crass. Been around for years though, I remember my Mum being invited to a wedding with a shitty poem on the invitation about 15 years ago, I thought it was horrible then and I still feel the same way now.

@SlipperyDippery nope, I wouldn’t think that.
I am thinking that about people’s comments on here pretty much saying they can’t be bothered.

I think if people are asking you then it’s fine to say ‘well actually we need this’ as I do for other things if grandparents ask for what I would like for birthday or new baby. It still doesn’t sit well with me though. A friend insisted on getting me a certain thing for our new baby recently

Oops sent too soon...
I said no a few times but she said she really wanted to ....so in the end I sent her which one to get. Still feel REALLY uncomfortable about it.
I just could not imagine doing it to lots of people. Even if it meant I got 20 frames
Also would never expect people to ‘cover their plate’. Why should our guests pay for a meal we have chosen to have??

To clarify though...I don’t think it’s acceptable to go to wedding and give nothing

Yummybutter
I'm in Ireland, and never in a million years would anyone I know dream of going to a wedding and giving less than the price of their meals.

This is absurd, the guest has zero control over what the B&G spend on good!! The meal at my wedding was an £80 a head menu, and that's before wine. We seriously did not expect our guests to shell out £150+ per couple on gifts and would have been mortified if people did. We were hosting the wedding, and chose to put on an expensive spread as we enjoy that, there's zero obligation on guests to give us anything at all in return.

This is absurd

No, it’s just a very different culture around gift giving. €200 would be a regular enough wedding gift in Ireland for a close friend or family member.