To hate poems in wedding invites, asking for money?

[payformymarriage]

Just having this discussion with SIL.

You know the type ...
‘All we want at our wedding is your company..BUT.....’
Usually made into a cheesy poem so it doesn’t sound as CF-ish.
I think it’s so tacky. See also John Lewis wish lists etc

AIBU?

Bit of an issue I have with giving money is you don't know if one of the couple is the type to force the other into spending it on something they want. My holiday loving friend didn't even get a honeymoon but 'they' (her husband) got a new car with their wedding money. She doesn't drive.

I'm in Ireland, and never in a million years would anyone I know dream of going to a wedding and giving less than the price of their meals.

^This is absurd, the guest has zero control over what the B&G spend on good!! The meal at my wedding was an £80 a head menu, and that's before wine. We seriously did not expect our guests to shell out £150+ per couple on gifts and would have been mortified if people did^

Yep that is why I see am invite as an invoice.
It usually puts you out by €150 for a relation or not so close friends.
If its a close friend or siblings the gift is €200 or beyond.

@payformymarriage

To clarify though...I don’t think it’s acceptable to go to wedding and give nothing

Ok so you accept that guests are going to take gifts and the bride and groom can reasonably expect that guests will take gifts so why all the angst about a list which makes life easier for everyone?

We’re getting married next month. We dithered for ages about asking for money/gifts/nothing and after asking my parents for advice ended up saying that we just want people to come and have a good time, but if they do want to get us something we would appreciate money as we’re hoping to buy our first home next year. I did write it normally though as all the poems were a bit twee

Fingers crossed nobody will be offended! But you never know

I think the whole system is set up for maximum profit, not with road safety in mind

For that matter, why the pretence that what they really want it to "make it easier for everyone"? I've honestly never known a wedding guest to say "Well, thank goodness they asked for cash - and there was me, going to buy that hideous vase because it didn't occur to me they'd prefer money anyway!!"

Being normal people with a brain and enough sense to work out that folk already living together won't need "stuff", this is why most just give cash now anyway - so again, what's the point in asking at all?

I still think its cheeky. What about folk that can only afford say £25. A gift would be fine but they might feel embarassed giving so little towards the price of your future home. I suppose you could have asked them to buy a brick.

@Viviennemary

I still think its cheeky. What about folk that can only afford say £25. A gift would be fine but they might feel embarassed giving so little towards the price of your future home. I suppose you could have asked them to buy a brick.

People need to realise that it's usually also obvious how much gift costed. Just put 25 in a nice card and that's it. If you cannot afford more, you can't. There is no shame in that. I assume it's wedding of people person knows and they know the person so there should be no shittiness

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I think the whole system is set up for maximum profit, not with road safety in mind

For that matter, why the pretence that what they really want it to "make it easier for everyone"? I've honestly never known a wedding guest to say "Well, thank goodness they asked for cash - and there was me, going to buy that hideous vase because it didn't occur to me they'd prefer money anyway!!"

Being normal people with a brain and enough sense to work out that folk already living together won't need "stuff", this is why most just give cash now anyway - so again, what's the point in asking at all?

I have never given cash and never would unless specifically asked to.

I have never received a request for cash, and I have never received a money poem. Every wedding I have been to (30?) has had a gift list apart from 3 or 4 which had honeymoon lists, and 2 or 3 which said nothing.

So to me, a gift list enclosure is normal. Giving cash is not normal, unless asked. Clearly your experience is different. I think there’s a danger of assuming our own experience of weddings is typical. So that’ll be why some people ask for cash, because it isn’t the norm for everyone.

A gift would be fine but they might feel embarassed giving so little towards the price of your future home

This is so wrong headed. £25 on a gift no one wants or needs is just pure waste. £25 even on a round of drinks that are enjoyed by the couple is far preferable.

@riotlady

We’re getting married next month. We dithered for ages about asking for money/gifts/nothing and after asking my parents for advice ended up saying that we just want people to come and have a good time, but if they do want to get us something we would appreciate money as we’re hoping to buy our first home next year. I did write it normally though as all the poems were a bit twee

Fingers crossed nobody will be offended! But you never know

Watch out for a thread about you😁 Tag me, I will back you up if needed😂

Hmm I’m seeing where the predicaments may come. I still personally would feel pressured to give more money than I would have spent on a present.
Similarly with lists @SlipperyDippery as the experience I had was that the couple had very expensive items on and it felt very much like paying for the obviously very expensive wedding they had. Felt like being forced to spend our hard earned money on something we didn’t want to buy. Our money so our choice how we spend it.

@payformymarriage

I actually agree with you about expensive gift lists. All of the ones I’ve seen (almost all John Lewis, a few prezola) have options starting from around the £15 mark.

I think it should be up to a guest how much they spend on a gift, if they choose to buy off the list or even if they take a gift at all. I just don’t think it’s grabby to have the list in the first place. But that could be because it’s what I’m used to! As I said to PP, we all have different experiences of weddings.

Poems are cringey and very grabby.

We just had something a long the lines of " we don't need anything and are grateful for you being with us, however a few people have asked, so if you'd like to contribute towards our honeymoon feel free or please make a contribution to Marie curie"

Yes different experiences for sure!
Also interesting to hear about Irish weddings and glad I am prepared if I’m ever invited to one hopefully not

I still personally would feel pressured to give more money than I would have spent on a present.

Well you shouldn’t do. That’s your own issue to deal with.

Our money so our choice how we spend it.

If you don’t like a person enough to want to get them something they would like as a wedding present, I think you should consider refusing the invite.

I just really cannot understand the mentality of

‘My friends, have expressed a clear preference for a donation to [insert]. But I’m going to ignore that and buy them a slow cooker instead’.

Just why?

@riotlady I would have no trouble putting cash or a cheque in a card for that, or if it was a family chip in present & my parents weren't comfortable giving straight cash, getting you a long dated voucher to get something for the house- of your choosing.

Good luck with it all

British people are just very stingy with money full stop... as many of the sentiments on this thread seem to back up. Other cultures are so much more generous and wouldn’t think twice about gifting large amounts. At a friend’s Greek wedding, people were literally sticking money to the bride’s dress and throwing notes at the couple, on top of giving wedding gifts!

Plus, as other previous posters have said, if you’re that annoyed by a poem on the wedding invite, then maybe you don’t care about the B&G enough in the first place to actually be going to the wedding....

@Viviennemary

I still think its cheeky. What about folk that can only afford say £25. A gift would be fine but they might feel embarassed giving so little towards the price of your future home. I suppose you could have asked them to buy a brick.

We put that we would put it towards decorating our new home rather than buying it, as I think it’s nicer to be able to say “oh yes we used that money to buy paint/a lamp/whatever” rather than it all get mushed together towards the deposit, if that makes sense. Also means people can do vouchers for B and Q or whatever. I’ve been to the weddings of a few people who are going and asked for cash, and I definitely stuck £20 in a card in my poorer days (especially if I was travelling cos that’s costly!) so hope no one would be embarrassed.

@SchrodingersImmigrant and @MrsToothyBitch you! xD

That was supposed to be “thank you” and not just “you!”

I think every sensible person agrees that it's daft for a large wedding full of people to all arrive with randomly chosen gifts. If you even picture the size of 50 gifts in a big pile and with the best of intentions at least 50% of them will be unwanted it's ridiculous and very wasteful. I do think attending a wedding can be expensive and the nicest thing a couple could do is simply ask for no gifts or a donation to charity. However if they're starting off in life and could do with some help I don't begrudge them a reasonable gift list (with plenty of low cost items) or simply asking for money or vouchers from X shop. The poems are super cheesy though!

People need to realise that it's usually also obvious how much gift costed. Just put 25 in a nice card and that's it. If you cannot afford more, you can't. There is no shame in that. I assume it's wedding of people person knows and they know the person so there should be no shittiness

Thing is, as you see so many times on these threads, you do that and plenty chime up that you're tight, stingy, should have saved more to give them, how in Ireland/Timbuktu/outerspace everyone gives at least the GNP of a developing nation per person, 'cover your plate', etc.

There are tons of threads advising people to save up to give more, even OP's who've received invitations to weddings that cost a bomb to get to/require annual leave/expensive accommodation and admonitions to get saving as you have time, camp to save on costs, save more to give them a 'generous' cash gift - more stories about Ireland, Greece, E. Asia, Antarctica, etc.

Thing is, as you see so many times on these threads, you do that and plenty chime up that you're tight, stingy, should have saved more to give them

That really isn’t true. The vast majority will say give what you can afford and don’t worry about it.

@TheKeatingFive

Thing is, as you see so many times on these threads, you do that and plenty chime up that you're tight, stingy, should have saved more to give them

That really isn’t true. The vast majority will say give what you can afford and don’t worry about it.

Yes but plenty feel pressure to give more than they can afford, which may be nothing at all after they've paid out to get there (and increasingly, if they're in the wedding party, have paid for their dresses, hair and makeup, hotel, hen do's, etc.

Yes but plenty feel pressure to give more than they can afford

And they shouldn’t. And only they can fix that.

It’s even worse, in my eyes for someone who has very little, spending it on a present that’s neither wanted nor needed, that will end up stuck in a drawer or sent to a charity shop. What terrible waste of their limited funds.

We need to move on from this ridiculous culture.

@TheKeatingFive I don’t ignore them, just don’t like them!
A very good friend of mine did ‘the poem’. I got them dollars for their honeymoon but it just felt like zero effort for someone I love to bits! So got them framed lyrics of their first dance, which they loved. Things like this you don’t tend to get for yourself.