Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate poems in wedding invites, asking for money?

269 replies

payformymarriage · 30/06/2021 18:27

Just having this discussion with SIL.

You know the type ...
‘All we want at our wedding is your company..BUT.....’
Usually made into a cheesy poem so it doesn’t sound as CF-ish.
I think it’s so tacky. See also John Lewis wish lists etc

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsToothyBitch · 01/07/2021 00:59

I honestly think there are just no winners. Gift list is out dated for couples who have everything in duplicate from before they cohabited, not everyone likes or wants to give cash and vouchers, dependent on what B&G want to spend it on and creative gifts are risky.

The last wedding I bridesmaid-ed at, they put a sort of treasure chest/post box in the venue lobby for cards etc. The bride asked why it had been put on quite a big table, the venue/ event lady explained that it was so gifts could go there too and the bride explained "there won't be any- we only want cash"... planner replied with a bitchy tone "oh, someone ALWAYS brings a gift". I noticed quite a few on the table, especially from younger attendees who perhaps felt they could look more generous giving a decent item than a smaller seeming cash amount. I found the whole thing awkward from every angle.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 01/07/2021 01:04

You've all missed an excellent post by
payformymarriage*

  • We’ve had a shit 18 months And rearranged this day once And we know you’re all strapped And sick of this crap... So we don’t want your gifts It’s hugs that we’ve missed*
Original poster
payformymarriage · 01/07/2021 02:00

@EmeraldShamrock oh I know it is. The giving of cash is not what I am grumbling about.
Most people know and do this anyway, so no need for a poem

OP posts:
PandemicAtTheDisco · 01/07/2021 02:02

I went to one wedding where the bride and groom wanted guests to donate to the dodgy group they supported and kept shouting out encouragements as their target wasn't reached. We left early without parting with any money and avoided being strong armed into paying for the leaflets/badly photocopied, home stapled brochures they wanted contributions for.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 01/07/2021 02:11

I feel actual joy when I see one because it means I don't have to shop.
Surely more elegant than “Gimme $" Grin

DysonSphere · 01/07/2021 08:29

We’ve had a shit 18 months
And rearranged this day once
And we know you’re all strapped
And sick of this crap...
So we don’t want your gifts
It’s hugs that we’ve missed

Ahhhhhhhhhhh @payformymarriage that's so sweet! 👏🏿

Now that's an invite that would have me thinking
'what do they want? Are they going on a honeymoon, if not wonder if we can pull something together or bump it up. I have to get something really special, going to have to fork out a bit'

Motto: Don't ask and you shall receive!!

EmeraldShamrock · 01/07/2021 08:33

Most people know and do this anyway, so no need for a poem
I agree with you there. I've never had the pleasure of a naff invitation poem. Grin

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 01/07/2021 08:39

The reason I hate giving cash is because I grew up in a home where my parents had some nice bits and bobs and would say nostalgically "auntie Barbara got us those coasters for our wedding and we've still got them now 20 years later, aren't they lovely" and it would trigger them to tell us stories about the people who gave them things. A physical gift holds memories, reminds you of someone and I think that's nice. I love it when I use something that was bought as a wedding gift and I remember who gave us every single item.

Cash can be pissed away on anything, and I prefer what I give to last a bit longer. I dont mind contributing to someone's honeymoon or kitchen fund, I mind a bit more when cash gifts pay the wedding venue bar tab, or in one case of an old uni friend (I shit you not) are used to pay off a load of old gambling debt accrued by a waster of a DP in his youth.

comeflywithpork · 01/07/2021 08:42

The poems usually make me cringe, however, I read the sweetest article recently where a couple wrote a poem asking for money towards IVF treatment for their wedding gift. The money gifts they received resulted in them becoming pregnant from the ivf treatment and they had twins.
So, I changed my mind on poems requesting money.

Changechangychange · 01/07/2021 08:44

@DysonSphere

We’ve had a shit 18 months And rearranged this day once And we know you’re all strapped And sick of this crap... So we don’t want your gifts It’s hugs that we’ve missed

Ahhhhhhhhhhh @payformymarriage that's so sweet! 👏🏿

Now that's an invite that would have me thinking
'what do they want? Are they going on a honeymoon, if not wonder if we can pull something together or bump it up. I have to get something really special, going to have to fork out a bit'

Motto: Don't ask and you shall receive!!

“I’ve just received a wedding invitation from an old uni friend, which says the groom (who I’m not particularly close to) plans on hugging everyone, in lieu of a gift. AIBU to find this a bit weird and creepy, and RSVP that I don’t want a hug from this man?”

There’s no way to win this. Inviting people to a wedding is unreasonable in the first place. Wink

DysonSphere · 01/07/2021 08:46

@MrsToothyBitch The bride asked why it had been put on quite a big table, the venue/ event lady explained that it was so gifts could go there too and the bride explained "there won't be any- we only want cash"... planner replied with a bitchy tone "oh, someone ALWAYS brings a gift". I noticed quite a few on the table, especially from younger attendees who perhaps felt they could look more generous giving a decent item than a smaller seeming cash amount. I found the whole thing awkward from every angle.

The attitude of the planner is everything that's wrong with the modern atmosphere around weddings. It's the total lack of appreciation for the good will of others. Even if gifts are not desired, they do represent the efforts, thoughts and well wishes of others towards the bride & groom. Yet the attitude is total dismissal.

@PandemicAtTheDisco (great name) That's hilarious Grin. I would have done exactly the same!

TheKeatingFive · 01/07/2021 08:46

A physical gift holds memories, reminds you of someone and I think that's nice.

That may have been true when we had a lot fewer things and value ‘stuff’ more than we do now.

Nowadays, people tend to have everything they need the type of stuff gifted at weddings often ends up shoved in a cupboard/attic to gather dust or given to a charity shop.

I got a lot more out of the tenner in a card that a friend gave me (that I spent on a fancy cocktail) than the three wine decanters that I never use, feel guilty about getting rid of and now gather dust and take up storage I don’t have.

cushioncovers · 01/07/2021 08:48

Cash is easy it means I don't have to spend my time looking for stuff to get the couple.

Original poster
payformymarriage · 01/07/2021 08:59

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland (great username). Yes! You’ve hit the nail on the head with this. It takes away so much sentiment.

@comeflywithpork I can’t argue with that one!! That’s a really genuine and lovely thing that I would have no issue donating to! How lovely that all their loved ones played a part as well.
I know a couple who asked for money for their honeymoon. The groom actually spent it on a Rolex....

@Changechangychange Grin definite no to enforced hugs!

OP posts:
ivfbabymomma1 · 01/07/2021 09:01

I prefer some sort of guidance with what they want, whether it be a list or money. It saves me having to think of what to get as I would never not bring anything!

Original poster
payformymarriage · 01/07/2021 09:02

A lot of comments on the lines of ‘I’m so relieved as it means I don’t have to think what to get them or make any effort’ . They’ve invited you to their special day, presumably it is someone you are close to ( or your partner) otherwise why would they invite you but that’s another thread ....but you can’t be arsed to look for something for them?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 01/07/2021 09:04

@payformymarriage

A lot of comments on the lines of ‘I’m so relieved as it means I don’t have to think what to get them or make any effort’ . They’ve invited you to their special day, presumably it is someone you are close to ( or your partner) otherwise why would they invite you but that’s another thread ....but you can’t be arsed to look for something for them?
Well yeah, I’m sure everyone could be “arsed” to look for something for them. But why bother when they could literally tell you exactly what they want and it cuts out hassle from both sides?
museumum · 01/07/2021 09:04

Absolutely. It’s far more important that I get to choose the couple a set of pastry forks or espresso cups. How dare they deny me that!

CorianderBee · 01/07/2021 09:09

I don't mind it. Saves me having to think of a gift and means they get to buy things they actually want. Nowadays few couples haven't lived together for years with most of the stuff they need so it makes more sense to get money towards the honeymoon.

We Brits need to be less uptight about money gifts!

CorianderBee · 01/07/2021 09:12

@payformymarriage no I'm not necessarily close enough to people who's wedding invites I get. I have a lot of cousins and I moved away from my home town when I was 22. I love them, we spent childhoods together, but I have no idea if they prefer coffee or tea, China or porcelain....

DysonSphere · 01/07/2021 09:16

That's such a lovely way of looking at it @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland.

or in one case of an old uni friend (I shit you not) are used to pay off a load of old gambling debt accrued by a waster of a DP in his youth. Shock

EmeraldShamrock · 01/07/2021 09:32

Yes! You’ve hit the nail on the head with this. It takes away so much sentiment.
It's not exclusively no gifts.
The ones who want to give a sentimental gift still do, it avoids a 100 sentimental gifts. My Dsis received picture frame's, glassware, expensive champagne however the majority gave cash, some gave nothing, an individual choice it didn't matter as long they had fun.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 01/07/2021 09:39

The idea that it's grabby is absolutely insane. It's common knowledge that if you go to a wedding you take a gift, it's not like you've been invited to a dinner party and received a gift list, it's a wedding, you give gifts at weddings it's just how it is. And I don't think it's rude for people to ask that you don't give them a physical gift because when you invite 100 people to your wedding the last think you want is 100 photo frames. It's easier for everyone to give money. Stick a fiver in a card, we'd have been more appreciative of a fiver than a memory box that cost a fiver.

DysonSphere · 01/07/2021 09:43

@payformymarriage

A lot of comments on the lines of ‘I’m so relieved as it means I don’t have to think what to get them or make any effort’ . They’ve invited you to their special day, presumably it is someone you are close to ( or your partner) otherwise why would they invite you but that’s another thread ....but you can’t be arsed to look for something for them?
Exactly!

Just give us cash - oh great, saves me the bother of having to think about them! Now all I have to think about is what I'm wearing and put my efforts to that!

VictoriaLudorum · 01/07/2021 09:55

It would be wonderful and comforting to return to the traditional etiquette for weddings.

  1. Invitation sent not too long in advance, certainly not years and certainly without a "save the date". Surely you tell the people you really want to be there as soon as you set a date?
  2. Wedding List (if desired). Used to be administered by the MOB or placed at a store. Wide range of items in all price brackets. People send presents or choose items from the list well in advance, so that the couple can send thank you letters when they receive presents or just after the wedding. Those not wishing to select a present from the list are at liberty to send a cheque.
  3. Uncomplicated wedding ceremony. Time of day unimportant, although my preference is late morning followed by lunch.
  4. No two-tier invitation system unless you are very grand indeed and need an evening reception to include all your staff etc. Either invite people to your wedding (ceremony and gathering afterwards) or don't invite them at all.
  5. Modesty/restraint. Most people are happy to celebrate a couple committing to spending their lives together, but get turned off by a lot of the faff pre- and post-wedding. Unless you have a lot of guests, who are travelling a long way to attend, there is no need for pre-wedding parties or post-wedding barbecues.