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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm having a baby, not opening a charity shop.

317 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 30/06/2021 13:58

Context: I'm 30 wks pregnant with our first baby, have enough clothing bits to get us through the first month or so with LO bearing in mind we don't know how big she will be so just got a few babygros and sleepsuits in various sizes.
However...a friend of mine offered a few bits and I took her up on it, mainly because she offered a baby carrier which I do actually need and I thought its a free bag of clothes...why say no?
We met for breakfast and in the cafe carpark she opens her boot and there are like six bin bags of clothing in there. I start to say that I really don't need/want all of that and she pretty much just shoved it all in my car, laughing about how I'll get through it eventually.
As well as the general inconvenience of having to sort through so many clothes (not arranged in size or anything, just shoved in there) we have a flat with very limited storage space which she knows and I feel like she just couldn't be bothered to go to the charity shop/dump and thought she would try and make it look like she's doing me a favour.
I spoke to my mum about it who said I should just take it all to the dump and not even bother to sort through it...feels awful but probably easier. She also mentioned that all her work friends keep trying to offload stuff on me, all in the name of 'helping' me.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to have experienced this...feeling annoyed that I wasn't more assertive when she just started loading stuff into my car.
As an extra bone of contention, everything is so horrendously pink...when this friend knew I prefer neutral colours.

OP posts:
NormanStangerson · 30/06/2021 18:38

I’ve not read the whole thread but I feel compelled to vent about how fed up I am with my BIL and SIL using me as a dumping ground for all their kids’ filthy, broken old shit. They can’t be arsed/can’t bring themselves to dump it, so they offload it onto me, meaning I have to get rid of it and they get to pretend they’ve been helpful. My MIL always tells me how wonderful they are. The bags are always broken, which irritates me, and everything inside is ripped, dirty, stained and broken. Why?!?!

I want to shout fuck off every time but it’s done behind my back, directly to my dope of a husband. His whole family are hoarders as well. UUUUURRRRGH.

Sorry. I feel better now.

toocold54 · 30/06/2021 18:45

I have said to her that I'm not a massive fan of pink and frilly so she could have maybe left those items out if she was being considerate.

She’s just given you a load of stuff for free which would have cost you quite a lot of money and took up your time going out to buy it yourself and she also dropped it off for you.
I’d say you already have a very considerate friend.

If it’s too much hassle for you then in future just say you don’t want any of it.

BumCat · 30/06/2021 18:57

I feel you!

I had so many people do this. One passed me two bin bags and said I could have them instead of payment for something Hmm.

RoseGoldEagle · 30/06/2021 19:01

You’re not ungrateful for not wanting something that you didn’t want or ask for. It’s only a lovely gesture if the person you’re giving your unwanted stuff to actually wants it. She should have checked with you first. I had a friend who’d drop off many bin bags worth of clothes every few months- I found it stressful as I already had enough for DD and find managing a huge volume of clothes overwhelming, I just had to tell her (in a nice way!) that I was grateful for what she’d given us but just didn’t have any room for any more.

Hanab · 30/06/2021 19:09

Please OP do clarify as to wether she would want the clothes back at some point! Read through some fbook posts and people are weird! Wanting things back years later or getting peed off of you sell it or pass it on to someone else!

Monkeymilkshake · 30/06/2021 19:17

Honestly, i dont want to sound mean, but worse things have happened! Newborns pee/vomit/poop on most clothes… when it’a 3am and you neex to change baby you wont care if the baby grow is pink blue or green!
And you’ll probably feel better if the baby vomits all over an ugly pink baby grow that you didnt pay for rather than a really nice one you wanted to keep for pictures.

When you’re not angry, have a look in the bags and keep some stuff (you will yse it!!) and then if yoir friend doesnt want it back put it up for free on facebook.
Good luck with the baby. X

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 30/06/2021 19:23

I can't believe you expected her to sort it via size and colour code it according to your whims.

fizzwhizz1 · 30/06/2021 19:26

How ungrateful. If you didn't want anything you should clearly have said No. I wish I had someone give me 6 bags of clothes for my children!

kindaclassy · 30/06/2021 19:27

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I can't believe you expected her to sort it via size and colour code it according to your whims.
Guessing the friend's own baby didn't outgrow all the different age clothes at the same time, it's a bit weird to pile them up randomly in a rubbish bag instead of just keeping them in order.
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 30/06/2021 19:28

No, it really isn't. They're clothes, they can go in the same bag.

MrsTophamHat · 30/06/2021 19:29

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I can't believe you expected her to sort it via size and colour code it according to your whims.
I can't believe people think it's "kind" or "generous" to send bin bags of unwanted stuff to someone's house.

I have been given things aged 9-10 for my three year old son before and i'm expected to be grateful because it's a designer brand. I am not one to dismiss second hand, and I buy on ebay often but I am not a hoarder and it's rude to dump excessive hand me downs on people.

Blinkingheckythump · 30/06/2021 19:32

At least it's decent stuff, I got a load given to me that were so wash worn and tatty it was insulting

Pottedpalm · 30/06/2021 19:42

@cornflowersandpoppies

And that’s a very precious hour indeed for some of us! No, thank you!
Hmm
LindaEllen · 30/06/2021 19:45

@Nsky

You sound pretty ungrateful, ok, it’s annoying ask if she expects it back, folk don’t have to be kind
Ha. No. Free clothes are nice and generous, but this woman just dumped her crap on OP because she couldn't be arsed going to a charity shop. Do you realise how many baby clothes 6 bin bags is? She carried on loading OP's car when she'd been asked to stop!
ViciousJackdaw · 30/06/2021 19:49

I'd suggest sorting and bagging into sizes and keeping. If, sorry, when a poonami occurs, you'll be grateful of some old clothes that can be binned rather than sluiced off and soaked.

omgthepain · 30/06/2021 19:50

I'm extremely grateful if people donate things to me I really am. It all helps I think you're being ungrateful. I'd be delighted if someone did that d
For me and sorting them into sizes etc is part of the fun

phoenixrosehere · 30/06/2021 20:02

YANBU.

People are so quick to call people ungrateful when it is pretty misleading and rude to tell someone you’re giving them a few bits and turn up with six bags of stuff. Six is not a few and people know this! She could have told you beforehand that she had more bits and ASKED you if you would like them not just turn up with it all and shove it in your car.

Just because someone gives you something doesn’t mean you have to be automatically grateful for it.

PurBal · 30/06/2021 20:12

I could have written this OP. Some of the stuff I've been given is disgusting, both dirty and broken, a charity shop wouldn't take it. We only have 3-weekly bin collections and because we are rural getting to a charity shop is a drive followed by a walk (which I can't do due to physio instructions). I could go to the recycling centre but last time I went (midweek) I queued for an hour. Its not "helping", its sheer laziness. We are having a boy and a friend gave me loads of pink stuff and said "just get rid of anything you don't want".

LIZS · 30/06/2021 20:21

Sort through and give to a local babywear charity or refuge. Why did you not just say you only needed the carrier?

Mmmmdanone · 30/06/2021 20:26

I had loads of second hand stuff given to me when I had my first. I was pretty ungrateful (inwardly, not out loud!) I must admit as I had a small flat with little storage. When I had my 2nd baby I would have loved it though! I had a house by that time and not much money, but I got given virtually nothing. I'm quite ashamed of how I was with my 1st now!

PurBal · 30/06/2021 20:27

Wanted to add that I had said "yes" to half a dozen outfits that a friend had sent me a photo of in a particular size. Not 4 carrier bags in a range of sizes that she dumped on my doorstep. Also when I say dirty and broken I mean some of the clothes are covered in poo and paint stains and have holes in them. I used to volunteer at a charity shop, if the first item to come out of the bag was grim the whole lot would be put in rag bags, too many donations to go through things individually and usually the first item is indicative of the whole lot. The charities get money for "rags". But I would never give something to charity that wasn't fit to be sold.

wingingit987 · 30/06/2021 20:30

You aren't being unreasonable but you might find it comes in handy.

When I was pregnant someone gave me similar although I was happy to receive. I went through it all took all the good stuff out a lot was designer and stored it in ages in vaccum pack bags. Saved us an absolute fortune. Xx

Tinacollada · 30/06/2021 20:34

As if this is the thing that's pissing you off the most in life! Bloody hell.

Have a look through, rest of the stuff to the chazza.

georgarina · 30/06/2021 20:46

YABU

She's giving you a free carrier and you said yes to the clothes. There are more than you need - so take the rest to charity.

You said they are laundered and good quality - you just don't like pink and frilly so she should have sorted everything through to take out the colour and design you don't like? Seriously? She's giving you good quality things for free that you asked for.

Newmumatlast · 30/06/2021 20:48

I part agree and part don't. I agree that friend probably should have checked quantity was ok given your available space. My sister has loads of old clothes but has kindly given me batches a couple of size at a time. I also agree with the pink thing. If your friend expressly knows you dont like that sort of thing to offload loads onto you does seem like she's trying to get rid rather than being helpful. I hate gaudy bright pink. I dont agree with people saying you wont care and will be grateful for it when baby us sick etc. My baby didn't ruin that much yo be honest and I didnt want to put her in stuff I hated even to be sick in. That's just me. None of my friends gave me items in that colour as they respected I dont like it. I did get some in bulk buys from ebay. I just gave them away or sold them. You could do that but understand it's a pain.

What I dont agree with you on is the whole sorting through being some huge chore. I do think be a bit more grateful you have lots to pick from. It really doesn't take more than an evening to sort. Ask her to collect the rest or drop it at a charity shop or baby bank/family centre. It really won't take much. To be fair one of my favourite things when pregnant was sorting through the baby clothes so maybe its skewed my view! Definitely dont dump them. So many people need cheap or free clothes