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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm having a baby, not opening a charity shop.

317 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 30/06/2021 13:58

Context: I'm 30 wks pregnant with our first baby, have enough clothing bits to get us through the first month or so with LO bearing in mind we don't know how big she will be so just got a few babygros and sleepsuits in various sizes.
However...a friend of mine offered a few bits and I took her up on it, mainly because she offered a baby carrier which I do actually need and I thought its a free bag of clothes...why say no?
We met for breakfast and in the cafe carpark she opens her boot and there are like six bin bags of clothing in there. I start to say that I really don't need/want all of that and she pretty much just shoved it all in my car, laughing about how I'll get through it eventually.
As well as the general inconvenience of having to sort through so many clothes (not arranged in size or anything, just shoved in there) we have a flat with very limited storage space which she knows and I feel like she just couldn't be bothered to go to the charity shop/dump and thought she would try and make it look like she's doing me a favour.
I spoke to my mum about it who said I should just take it all to the dump and not even bother to sort through it...feels awful but probably easier. She also mentioned that all her work friends keep trying to offload stuff on me, all in the name of 'helping' me.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to have experienced this...feeling annoyed that I wasn't more assertive when she just started loading stuff into my car.
As an extra bone of contention, everything is so horrendously pink...when this friend knew I prefer neutral colours.

OP posts:
SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/06/2021 17:22

@JamieLeeBee Hmm

I see the mummy martyrs are out in force.

Badyboo · 30/06/2021 17:24

I wonder if everyone who would simply love 6 bags of someone's clothes would love it so much and be so grateful if they had absolutely nowhere to store it, so it just ended up piled up on the floor.

toocold54 · 30/06/2021 17:24

nosyupnorth

I completely agree.

OP you wanted the free stuff. She may not know which bits you’d prefer so gave you a load so you can go through and keep the bits you like.

Me and my sister are a similar age and size and have DCs similar ages so we always say I’ve got a couple of bags of stuff I want to get rid of so go through it and take what you want before it goes to the clothes bin/charity shop.

BumbleFlump · 30/06/2021 17:28

I’ve had this too, it’s really annoying and can be overwhelming when you’re pregnant. If you have time, quickly sort through it and make three piles. 1. Clothes to keep. 2. Things you’re not sure about. 3. Stuff not to keep. Then go through pile 2 again, be ruthless and only keep what you really really like. Then take the rest to an actual charity shop/clothes recycling

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 30/06/2021 17:29

Omg my SIL does this all the time. She always messages me "hey Grabthar, been clearing out the garage and there's this [insert expensive toy in pristine condition] that I thought mini Grabthar might like, shall I drop it over?" Then when she arrives she says "oh since I was coming over I thought I'd also bring [6 boxes of absolute shite] in case you wanted it". I never complain because in my mind sorting and disposing of her old junk is just the price I pay for the lovely toy she's delivered to me, but I always groan a little to see the latest mountain of stuff appearing in my spare room. I shift most of it on Olio and, in fairness, have occasionally found something in it worth keeping. I just imagine the nice things she brings as having a labour cost rather than a monetary cost.

malificent7 · 30/06/2021 17:29

Babies are mesdy things so you will need to change those baby gros multiple times a day when they get covered in poo, wee, sick, dribble etc.

malificent7 · 30/06/2021 17:29

Messy*

1940s · 30/06/2021 17:30

@Badyboo

I wonder if everyone who would simply love 6 bags of someone's clothes would love it so much and be so grateful if they had absolutely nowhere to store it, so it just ended up piled up on the floor.
But nobody is saying OP should keep 6 bags of baby clothes. We're stating how handy / eco second hand is and to spend an hour skimming through the bags and then the rest take to the charity shop
cornflowersandpoppies · 30/06/2021 17:37

And that’s a very precious hour indeed for some of us! No, thank you!

Terhou · 30/06/2021 17:40

Check that she's not expecting to get it back. We see threads on here only too regularly where there are misunderstandings around passing baby stuff on.

Shmithecat2 · 30/06/2021 17:43

@GlassOnTheLawn

My sons clothes were never 'covered in gunk'. And as for pp about running out of clothes, we never did that either. Washing machines are a marvellous invention

Did your sons never vomit, spit up milk, have nappy leaks, feed themselves purée, do painting, play in muddy puddles and run on grass? I don’t see how children can keep their clothes always clean!

Washing machines are great but if you’re doing several loads a day you need somewhere to dry it all and the energy to keep hanging it up!

He's vomited 3 times in his life, non of those as a baby. Had one poo leak, once. At Heathrow airport, after I'd check our stuff in. Went to Cath Kidston and bought him a new sleep suit. He has a cover all bin thing on for painting, and he's always been a pretty tidy eater, but always wore a bib anyway.. Just because he may get clothes dirty, it doesn't mean that I want 2nd hand clothes that have already been dirty. I do laundry every day and kept his clothes immaculate.
randomkey123 · 30/06/2021 17:52

YANBU at all OP.

I was savvy by the time 2nd baby came around, and said thanks but no thanks, we simply don't have the room to store anything.

toocold54 · 30/06/2021 17:54

And that’s a very precious hour indeed for some of us! No, thank you!

If you don’t want to spend an hour in the evening whilst you’re watching tv then go shopping and buy the stuff yourself. But it’s going to take you longer and cost you more in the items and petrol.
A baby carrier is easily £30 and clothes are so expensive compared to the amount of time they’re worn.
OPs friend could have just as easily dropped the clothes in a clothes bin, sold them for money or had clothes genie to pick them up from her doorstep for cash.
Why are people acting like she’s been cheeky for doing her friend a favour.

Youreacockarentyou · 30/06/2021 17:54

I know it’s a pain but you just need to go through the bags, take out anything you like & wash it then Chuck the rest of the bags in the nearest charity clothes bin. It’s really not a huge amount of work & could save you a lot of money.

bongbigboobingbongbing · 30/06/2021 17:55

This happens to me a lot as my SIL has kids slightly older than mine. She regularly dumps bags of broken, dirty toys on us, and vast, vast amounts of clothes. I know she means well but i find it so stressful. I don't buy much at the best of times and (virtue signal alert) I try to buy ethical stuff, not things made by children in a sweatshop in China or Bangladesh.

Obviously she's doing it out of kindness and it would be rude to say anything, so I smile and say thanks, pick out a few bits to keep and put the rest on Freecycle.

Chloemol · 30/06/2021 17:59

Sort through it, take what you need, hand the rest back to her or ask her if she wants you to donate to the charity shop

Heelsofsteel · 30/06/2021 18:08

I think British women often confuse being assertive with being rude. I’m never too fussed about being seen as rude because I know am by British standards, quite rude.
I have taken bags of clothes back to my neighbour after she dropped them for the kids while I wasn’t home . I’d already explained I can’t stand clutter so I just took the bag back round, and explained I have too much stuff and had no head space for sorting stuff. She got it completely, we had a bit of a laugh at my cheek and I never got any more crap dumped on me. But we’re still friends.
Directness and honesty isn’t rudeness, its the seasoning of good relationships!

MrsTophamHat · 30/06/2021 18:10

I don't think it is kind at all.

Kind would be some well chosen, appropriate items, and letting you take what you wanted. Dumping bags and bags of stuff on you is more helpful to her than it is to you, and on top of that, she gets a feel good glow in the belief that she is oh so kind and generous.

I have someone who has done this to me before and it is Angry

tommyhoundmum · 30/06/2021 18:13

I brought up a friend's child on my pension so it has been mainly charity shop and second hand good clothing but I always new shoes.

Blossomtoes · 30/06/2021 18:15

He's vomited 3 times in his life, non of those as a baby. Had one poo leak, once

That’s what I call a designer baby! You could make a fortune if you patented him.

Shmithecat2 · 30/06/2021 18:22

@Blossomtoes

He's vomited 3 times in his life, non of those as a baby. Had one poo leak, once

That’s what I call a designer baby! You could make a fortune if you patented him.

Lol. He also breastfed 23 hours a day, was a nightmare to wean, is a fussy eater now and still doesn't sleep through at 5yo. I deserved a break.
Cutesbabasmummy · 30/06/2021 18:26

My sister on law tried to give me stiff that had been through 4 boys already! It was awful and she favoured browns and oranges whereas I like brighter colours on my boy. In the end I said look, thank you bit I'm not doing second hand for DS. He is our only child, will always be our only child and we would like to dress him in clothes that we choose. It stopped then.

Loudestcat14 · 30/06/2021 18:27

Haven't RTFT but make sure you ask her if she wants them back before you bin them/take them to the charity shop. It's not the MN done thing to pass baby clothes on if you've been gifted them second hand.

Stroller15 · 30/06/2021 18:29

Oh this brings back so many memories! I was the same with DS1. Had only monochrome lovely babygrows and my friend brought bags of clothes over. 4 bin bags full. I was so annoyed as it felt like she just dumped it on me, there were even odd socks in! One evening in front of the tv, i sorted it by age and it was actually quite lovely. I gave nice bits away after ds1 (sorted by size and no stains!), and ds2 got the leftover of the leftovers. Didn't have to buy clothes for either of them in the first year.

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 30/06/2021 18:31

In fairness, it's laundered and good quality stuff so that's fine. I just feel misled as she described it as 'a couple of bags' and I have said to her that I'm not a massive fan of pink and frilly so she could have maybe left those items out if she was being considerate.

There is so much, all different sizes and it is overwhelming.

OP posts: