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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm having a baby, not opening a charity shop.

317 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 30/06/2021 13:58

Context: I'm 30 wks pregnant with our first baby, have enough clothing bits to get us through the first month or so with LO bearing in mind we don't know how big she will be so just got a few babygros and sleepsuits in various sizes.
However...a friend of mine offered a few bits and I took her up on it, mainly because she offered a baby carrier which I do actually need and I thought its a free bag of clothes...why say no?
We met for breakfast and in the cafe carpark she opens her boot and there are like six bin bags of clothing in there. I start to say that I really don't need/want all of that and she pretty much just shoved it all in my car, laughing about how I'll get through it eventually.
As well as the general inconvenience of having to sort through so many clothes (not arranged in size or anything, just shoved in there) we have a flat with very limited storage space which she knows and I feel like she just couldn't be bothered to go to the charity shop/dump and thought she would try and make it look like she's doing me a favour.
I spoke to my mum about it who said I should just take it all to the dump and not even bother to sort through it...feels awful but probably easier. She also mentioned that all her work friends keep trying to offload stuff on me, all in the name of 'helping' me.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to have experienced this...feeling annoyed that I wasn't more assertive when she just started loading stuff into my car.
As an extra bone of contention, everything is so horrendously pink...when this friend knew I prefer neutral colours.

OP posts:
user432543424532 · 30/06/2021 14:12

@RaginaFalangi

You sound very ungrateful, she could've had no time to sort it into sizes. If you don't want it give it to someone who will appreciate it.
I don't think disrespect requires gratitude tbh.
MillionBells · 30/06/2021 14:13

Tips are more like recycling centres these days. They should have clothes banks, so don't feel bad about going to the tip and recycling it that way. Or some council car parks have clothes banks in them

londonscalling · 30/06/2021 14:13

@MikeWozniaksGloriousTache

As someone seriously struggling with money and unable to buy all the baby items we need, I would genuinely cry happy tears if someone did this for me. Please don’t dump it, it could be much needed for someone struggling. If you don’t want the stuff either return it to her or ask if you can donate the stuff you don’t need / want to charity.

This!

Sprogonthetyne · 30/06/2021 14:13

I was on a tight budget when DS was born, most of his clothes came in massive bags I bought for £5/£10 on gumtree, so I'd have been delighted with 6 free ones. Obviously the same dose not apply to you, and that's fine, but I think your friend was genuinely trying to be nice.

I'd have a look through and pick out a few bits you like so you can dress DD in it when you see your friend, then get rid of the rest. If you have a clothes recycling/ weigh in place, you could sell the rest and use the money to get one or two nice outfits or a special toy / keepsake.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 30/06/2021 14:13

Ime yabu.
When I found out I was having a dd after 6 ds's a dm from the school yard said she had stuff for me.

She had had a dd less than 10 months pp!! She was having her tubes tied!!. Bags of Next stuff from birth to a year...
Seriously didn't buy anything until dd was well walking!!
Plough through it op. Get some vacuum bags. Give the rest free on gumtree and pass on the goodwill.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/06/2021 14:14

And I also have a small flat, and it’s not for accommodating bags of other peoples shite unless I’ve specifically said I will take it. And if it’s something very useful like the Moses basket I will buy you a bottle of wine and be grateful. But take your own stuff to the charity shop.

Shmithecat2 · 30/06/2021 14:16

To add, I've passed loads of clothes on (within my baby group mainly), so I'm not a total ecological disaster. But I've never just shoved a binbag of stuff at someone. Photos accompanied by 'anyone want this/these?' suffices. If there's no takers, then its off to the charity shop.

Badyboo · 30/06/2021 14:16

NBU at all, as someone with a similarly small amount of storage. Don't let people tell you 'just you wait, you'll need tons of clothes for nursery/puke/poo' either, there's such things as washing machines.

Babyboomtastic · 30/06/2021 14:16

Your baby will be in the clothes before you know it. I'd just spend an hour or so sorting it to size/whether you like it, whilst watching TV, and then ask her if she wants the rest back or to pass it on etc.

You're a bit optimistic if you think that a 'few babygrows' of varying sizes will be sufficient though

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/06/2021 14:17

Yanbu about unsorted stuff.

When we have a clear out, I let friends know what stuff we have (my kids are the eldest in our circle) and invite them round for a rummage if they want to... They get what they want, anything leftover goes to charity shop if in good nick or disposed of if unusable (stained for example, or a game with missing pieces)

ThursdayWeld · 30/06/2021 14:17

If you're too much of a cheapskate to buy your own carrier happy to accept her charity then you can't really complain about the rest of the stuff.

BeatieBourke · 30/06/2021 14:17

This is A Thing OP. It's totally fine to find it massively inconvenient, whilst trying not to be too ungrateful.

When we had DC I was inundated with cast offs (great! I was broke) but in my experience it carries on for months/years, so best get used to bouncing back those unwanted offers of help
/gifts!

No matter how much you try not to, when you have a baby you accumulate insane amounts of STUFF. Toys, clothes, kit, furniture, random bits of plastic crap. In my group of friends it did the rounds of everyone's kids, until we all finally admitted that it was more of a hindrance than a help to receive and we mostly passed it on because we hadn't got around to donating to charity shops etc.

If you end up with a group of friends with several kids of different ages down the line, periodic swap parties where you all get together, chuck your unwanted crap on the floor, rummage around to take anything that's genuinely useful and take the rest to a chazzer together, or package up and send to a womens refugee charity and share the postage.

Maggiesfarm · 30/06/2021 14:17

I was given a lot of things when I had my first baby. I went through them, laundered and ironed where necessary, and most were quite useful. Don't throw them out before looking.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/06/2021 14:17

@ThursdayWeld why not Confused

Laureline · 30/06/2021 14:18

Rookie mistake - always ask if the person is expecting the things back.
If they are, have no qualms graciously declining the offer (“I would be too afraid of damaging these lovely clothes “)
If they aren’t, then it’s not hard to sort out clothes. And you’ll be doing that for the next few years, so better get used to it Wink

ViceLikeBlip · 30/06/2021 14:18

This drives me bonkers! People constantly trying to offload their crap on me and even saying "and if there's anything you don't want, you can just take it to the charity shop/dump". No, how about you take your own crap to the bloody dump! Why should I, heavily pregnant, have to do that shitty job for you, and then pretend to feel grateful for it?!

I'm absolutely with you on this one. Personally I would give this whole load back to the owner (blame your partner if you like 😉) and then practice saying very firmly "no thank you, we've got everything we need".

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 30/06/2021 14:19

@MikeWozniaksGloriousTache

As someone seriously struggling with money and unable to buy all the baby items we need, I would genuinely cry happy tears if someone did this for me. Please don’t dump it, it could be much needed for someone struggling. If you don’t want the stuff either return it to her or ask if you can donate the stuff you don’t need / want to charity.
On the off chance that you're in Bournemouth, I have a load of my DSs clothes hes grown out of. Its mainly in the 6-12month size range.
kindaclassy · 30/06/2021 14:19

@ThursdayWeld

If you're too much of a cheapskate to buy your own carrier happy to accept her charity then you can't really complain about the rest of the stuff.
Confused

I always wonder if posts like that are what someone genuinely believes, or just from someone on a wind-up.

Shmithecat2 · 30/06/2021 14:20

@Badyboo

NBU at all, as someone with a similarly small amount of storage. Don't let people tell you 'just you wait, you'll need tons of clothes for nursery/puke/poo' either, there's such things as washing machines.
Indeed. And I don't care about 'clothes for nursery' either, I did not want my son in clothes that someone else's baby had poonamied in, then to only be washed in non bio powder Envy - not envy.
8dpwoah · 30/06/2021 14:21

YANBU for being annoyed at having to do all sorting out and the storage hassle but on the other YAB a little bit U because people are being kind as well as decluttering.

On the flip side I've happily bought second-hand bundles (once the gift size clothes have run out!) So there is definitely demand there for clean and not too worn out stuff. I've kept a lot back as we knew we'd like a second (same sex but totally opposite time of year for clothing, but can't complain!). My plan for offloading it after DD2 is the best bits pass to family and/or sale as bundles/individual items. The less good but I'd still be happy to receive it will go the baby bank or the local helpout group on Facebook. Stuff I wouldn't be happy to receive will go in the clothes recycling bin thing at the supermarket. Our nursery had a bag of things from me that I'd got second hand but didn't suit, size about 9-12 upwards they go through quite quickly when people forget spares of they have a particularly messy day!

It's annoying that people are just dumping stuff in you to do all the work but on the other hand I've had some really lovely things passed on either by purchasing a mixed bag or from family so I wouldn't look a gift horse too closely.

ThursdayWeld · 30/06/2021 14:23

I genuinely believe what I posted.

"I want your charity stuff, oh no not that stuff, just the choice bits and pieces and expensive carrier that suit me, you can bog off with the rest and I'll post about you on Mumsnet" Hmm

azimuth299 · 30/06/2021 14:23

I loved getting bags of clothes for my twins! Once we were brought three bin bags full of stuff from a family friend and I could have cried, we didn't need to buy any new stuff for about a year. Great for us and for the environment.

If you didn't want the bags then you should have been firmer with your friend - though it does sound like she just wanted rid! Now you've got them you can either send them straight to the charity shop, sort through and grab what you like then donate the rest, or pass them on to someone you know who might appreciate them. I can assure you that plenty of people will want them, baby clothes are expensive.

PairOfPears · 30/06/2021 14:24

I’m with you OP, people just can’t be arsed to sort it out themselves and it pisses me right off. They drive off feeling smug that they’ve done you a massive favour and been eco friendly but in reality you’re doing their grunt work in order to salvage a few bits that you never wanted and wouldn’t have chosen. If they wanted to help they would pick out some good quality items to your taste or invite you to look through and pick out what you’d like. I don’t know why people get off on making a heavily pregnant person sort through all their shit.

IncessantNameChanger · 30/06/2021 14:26

Just put it all a clothes recycling bin surely? You can drive up to them all over the place in my tiny rural village.

How will she ever even know? Just say a firm no to it next time and that you are still sorting out the last 5000 tonnes of her lovely shit stuff

Sorry we have too much now
Sorry my boot is full / dirty/ harbouring the plague
Sorry I have storage now
Sorry no
No

RugratMum · 30/06/2021 14:26

Ahh, I was like this too. Very precious with clothing for my first, until she reached about 6 months old and was in size 12-18 month clothing; I'd spent a small fortune and kept having to buy more because she grew out of everything in about five minutes! Mat leave pay was running out. Then I discovered eBay bundles and never looked back.

I'd say look through and keep what's good. There likely won't be many small baby items in there anyway- that stuff tends to be either destroyed or retained for keep-sakes.

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